Lowering the Bar

Man Arrested After Bragging About Unsolved Robbery on Talk-Radio Show

Last April, six men robbed a bank in South Chicago and got away with over $80,000. Police were unable to find any of the culprits, until one of them called a talk-radio show from his own cellphone to brag about the robbery.

In a criminal complaint that was unsealed this week, police said they were notified of the call by WKSC-FM, which provided them with the caller's cellphone number and a recording of the call. The caller, Randy Washington, discussed numerous details of the crime, including the amount of money taken, and mentioned a variety of stores where the men had spent some of the money. "The details he provided [on the air] were incredibly helpful in moving this investigation forward," stated (or understated) an assistant U.S. attorney assigned to the case. Washington was arrested February 17. One of the other men was arrested in Dallas, and police are still looking for the other four. After blabbing on the air, Washington is probably lucky the cops found him first instead of his five buddies.

Of course, Washington has an explanation for how this is all a big misunderstanding. He says he called the radio station to win a prize. Well, that could explain how they got your cellphone number, Randy, but I'm not sure it explains the recording of your voice giving details of the robbery, unless the contest was called "Call In and Describe a Crime That You Heard Was Committed by Somebody Else As If You Were That Person."

MSNBC

Court Rules Woman Did Not Rob Man of Genetic Material

Occasionally a story will come along that must be written about, but poses a challenge to the writer in terms of writing about it in a way that will not creep out readers (or writer) excessively.

This is such a story.

Here we go. Two doctors, Richard Phillips and Sharon Irons, had an affair several years ago. In the course of this affair, Dr. Phillips presented Dr. Irons with . . . let's call it a gift. It was a gift that he had given her on more than one occasion, and which, at the time, he was probably happy to give. Later, their affair ended.

Two years later, Dr. Irons sued Dr. Phillips claiming he was the father of her child. This came as some surprise to Dr. Phillips since, according to him, the gift had been given only in a manner that does not normally have such consequences. He surmised that Dr. Irons had retained his gift and put it to a use that he had not anticipated. And after being ordered to pay $800 a month in child support, he sued Dr. Irons.

The lawsuit alleged emotional distress resulting from what it called a "calculated, profound personal betrayal," namely the alleged misuse of his gift. But the suit also asserted claims for fraud and theft. Given the nature of the gift, it would seem to be pushing the envelope a bit to claim that Dr. Phillips was defrauded into giving it, let alone that it was "stolen" from him. (The good news for lawyers here is that Dr. Phillips was representing himself.) And Dr. Irons defended in part by arguing precisely that -- that Dr. Phillips had in fact made an unconditional "gift" to her. The trial court dismissed all the claims.

On Wednesday, an Illinois appellate court reversed in part. The court held that the emotional distress claims could go forward, because if Dr. Phillips' story was true, then Dr. Irons had "deceitfully" used the gift "in an unorthodox, unanticipated manner yielding extreme consequences." But it affirmed the dismissal of the fraud and theft claims, accepting the view that the "delivery" was "a gift -- an absolute and irrevocable transfer of title to property from a donor to a donee." As the court also pointed out, "There was no agreement that the original deposit would be returned upon request."

Prenuptial agreements are bad enough. Now we need to draft up something to cover this, too?

I'll update with the actual opinion when it's available online. It may be a keeper.

CNN.com

Bruce Springsteen and the American Lawyer

On Thursday, Widener University School of Law in Pennsylvania hosted a symposium entitled "The Lawyer as Poet Advocate: Bruce Springsteen and the American Lawyer."

From the flyer: "For more than three decades, Bruce Springsteen has served as America's premiere poet advocate. He stands in the tradition of great American populist poets whose work emanates from the people while speaking of and for them. . . . Mr. Springsteen has remained committed in his music to discerning what is real and what matters." Just like lawyers?

Oh, wait, here's the connection: "The American lawyer can draw much from the life and work of such poets. As the American lawyer encounters his world, like the poet, words are his only weapon, and his blade can cut only as deeply as the truth contained in those words. Also like the poet, the American lawyer is called to discern what is real and what matters, certainly for his client, but also in his own life and work." Well, I guess I agree that we are called to discern "what matters," but as for what is "real" I'm not so sure. I do know my blade cuts far more deeply than truth. At least I hope so.

A final tidbit: "As Springsteen was growing up along the Jersey Shore, his mother insisted that he would make an excellent lawyer." And what a loss to the world that he chose another path.

Widener University School of Law

Man's Life Ruined by Naked Breakdancing at Soccer Match

34-year-old Mark Hargreaves was fined this week and banned from soccer matches after he admitted that he had run naked onto a soccer pitch in Burnley, Scotland, and proceeded to breakdance naked in front of thousands of fans and millions of television viewers. He pleaded guilty to "pitch encroachment," which I am pleased to know is evidently a separately defined crime in the UK.

This is similar to, but more naked than, last year's Super Bowl incident in which a thong-clad British man ran onto the field as the second half was about to commence, and proceeded to "Riverdance" until he was clobbered by a Patriots linebacker. (I think the symbolism there is obvious. Where's your empire now, Thong Boy?)

At the hearing on Wednesday, the prosecutor told magistrates that Hargreaves admitted he had done it "for a laugh" because the game was on live television. He also did it despite the fact that he had been invited to the game by his girlfriend's boss.

Surprisingly, said girlfriend does not appear to have been amused by the incident, which Hargreaves' defense attorney noted when seeking mitigation of the sentence: "Since the incident on Sunday his girlfriend has given him the equivalent of a red card [evidently something bad in soccer] and has terminated their relationship." Nor did Hargreaves' own boss find it funny, the attorney continued. "[My client] has also lost his job and has been made redundant," he said redundantly. "Although there is no evidence to suggest that this was related to Sunday's incident, it does seem to be an unfortunate coincidence."

Hargreaves was fined 200 pounds and banned from soccer matches for three years.

Scottish Press Association

SUV Comically Destroyed in Fiery Crash

San Francisco police said they would cite Jonathan Fish for a misdemeanor in connection with the destruction of his 2004 Ford Expedition on Thursday, February 17. Apparently, it is a misdemeanor in San Francisco to toss a burning cigarette onto the road while driving.

And it is still apparently a misdemeanor if the cigarette does not actually touch the road, but instead blows back into your 2004 Ford Expedition and sets the interior on fire, causing a billowing cloud of black smoke that forces you to pull over and leap from the vehicle, after which (because you forgot to shift into "park") the blazing car rolls on and crashes into a guardrail, then burning until it is completely destroyed.

The death of Fish's $30,000 SUV tied up traffic on the Bay Bridge for more than an hour Thursday morning. Fish himself suffered only singed hair.

SFGate.com

Police Put Clamp on Injured Man's Ambulance Until Fine is Paid

A spokeswoman for Dublin International Airport announced today that in the future, airport police will exempt emergency vehicles from their policy of booting, or clamping, any vehicle parked in an emergency-vehicle zone.

The change follows a recent incident in which police clamped an ambulance that was waiting to transport a seriously injured man to the hospital. According to an airport spokeswoman, police believed the emergency zone was reserved for "life and death cases," and after the ambulance had been parked in the emergency zone for more than 30 minutes, they concluded it was probably not such a case. Even after paramedics returned with the injured man and explained the situation, the police would not release the vehicle until the fine was paid. The paramedics had to get money out of their own bank accounts to pay the fine after police refused to accept the ambulance company's credit card.

The spokeswoman called the incident "deeply regrettable."

MSNBC

Nebraska Supreme Court Spares Life of Dog

On Friday, the Nebraska Supreme Court vacated the death sentence that had been meted out to Murphy, an Alaskan-malamute-shepherd mix, for injuring a neighbor dog in 2001.

The state supreme court reviews such cases in Nebraska because it has little else to do, as there are only a few dozen hardy pioneer families that still huddle in that cold and barren landscape and so few cases arise there. At least, I can't think of another reason.

But it was good news for Murphy, anyway. The high court concluded that "the order for the destruction of the dog was not reasonable" and that the county court issuing the order had abused its discretion. The court noted that the injuries to the other dog were "relatively minor," that the other dog's owner had not even taken it to the vet for two days, and even then the bill was only $34.06.

None of which had prevented the lawyers involved from wielding the usual rhetoric. At the hearing last year, Assistant Attorney General Kim Klein, prosecuting the assailant, described her attacks on other dogs as "deliberate and vicious." (How the State normally proves canine intent in cases like this was not disclosed.) For his part, dog defense lawyer Mark Fahleson said that it was the authorities who were the real criminals, as they had demonstrated "a bloodthirsty vengeance once thought reserved for only the most cold-blooded of human killers."

AP via Yahoo! News

Thai Sex Tycoon Smashes Bathtub to Prove Fitness for Office

Chuvit Kamolvisit, known in Thailand as "Tycoon Tub" for the chain of massage parlor/sex shops that made him rich, staged a flamboyant public spectacle on Friday after his election to parliament, saying he was ritually cleansing himself of his former sins and would work in the future only as an honest legislator. Among other things, Chuvit smashed a symbolic bathtub with a sledgehammer, then lay down in a coffin from which he emerged, shouting "Tycoon Tub is dead!" He then washed his hands in a Buddhist monk's bowl to cleanse himself of evil.

Why couldn't Bill Clinton just have done this and spared us all the impeachment business?

Chuvit apologized for his past. "I apologize to the Thai public for the business I did in the past that might have damaged some people," he said. "But I never evaded tax." Oh, well, that's okay then. Chuvit said he had sold his massage parlors and was now in the hotel and real estate business. He pledged to be an honest member of parliament who would work to "smash the castles of corruption" from now on.

"I swear to all sacred holy spirits they can curse me to bankruptcy if I cheat this country," he said.

Reuters via Yahoo! News

Yet Another Flatulent-Shoe Lawsuit

Goosebumps Products, Inc., a Florida manufacturer of shoe insoles, sued one of its suppliers on Wednesday for sending it a defective chemical that caused gas bubbles to form inside the finished product, so that when worn and stepped upon the insoles acted as "whoopee cushions for the feet."

According to the suit, the defendant, Bell Chem, supplied cheap and watered-down glycerine instead of the food-grade glycerine that had been ordered. The contaminated glycerine then caused bubbles to form inside the insoles. Goosebumps claims it was unaware of the problem until it started to receive customer complaints about the embarrassing "flatulence-like noise" that resulted. The company says it had to throw away at least 35,000 pairs.

I will be watching for the "mitigation of damages" defense, since I bet you could sell whoopee cushions for the feet for at least 10 bucks a pair, so they actually could have made money from the mistake if they hadn't been so short-sighted.

And does this remind anybody else of the "Cheers" episode where somebody was selling cheap shoes that squeaked, and everybody in the bar tried on a pair and then walked around so there was a cacophony of squeaking, until Carla got fed up and yelled at everybody to stop, and they did, and then quietly squeaked back to their seats? No? Anyway, good episode.

South Florida Sun-Sentinel

Let's Trim Our Hair According to Socialist Lifestyle

Yes, let's trim it, or else, comrade. The latest obsession of tiny, bizarre, and now nuclear-armed North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il is the length of his people's hair. Starting last October, the government launched a campaign to force all male citizens to trim their hair to no more than two inches in length. Called "Let's Trim Our Hair According to Socialist Lifestyle," the campaign is seen as a reaction to increasing outside cultural influences, including from such places as hippie-infested Communist China.

The campaign escalated this month, when state-run TV began to show pictures of men with excessively long hair so they could be publicly ridiculed. "We cannot help questioning the cultural taste of this comrade, who is incapable of feeling ashamed of his hair style," said one announcer, displaying a photo of a man whose hair covered his ears. "Can we expect a man with this disheveled mindset to perform his duty well?" He and other offenders were identified by name and address, and mocked as "blind followers of bourgeois lifestyle."

The rules make an exception for older men, who are permitted an extra .8 inches in order to allow for comb-overs. In addition to the "socialist lifestyle" mandate, the campaign also urges citizens to comply because of the adverse effects of long hair, which allegedly hampers brain activity by taking oxygen away from nerves in the head.

You can't make this stuff up. Well, you could, but it would certainly be more fun if you could make it up and then enforce it on your entire culture by threats and ridicule, wouldn't it?

The AP noted that Kim himself was first reported to have trimmed his hair about two years ago, but that Kimologists have not been able to verify whether he continues to conform to socialist lifestyle. "Kim was shown on Central TV in January visiting a military unit, but it was impossible to judge the length of his hair because he was wearing a hat."

AP via Salon.com