Lowering the Bar

World Cup Organizers Fear Knife-Wielding Streakers

The organizing committee of next year's World Cup, a tournament in which teams from around the world apparently compete in games of something the committee called "soccer," stated today that they would seek heavy fines for anyone caught streaking during the tournament. The statement was apparently prompted by incidents of streaking during the recent Confederations Cup tournament, in which one out of every four games was plagued by streakers.

The committee is seeking to have a new law passed in Germany, where the World Cup will be held, to authorize the fines, because currently there is no penalty in Germany for spectators who run onto the field. Apparently thinking that the threat of indecency would not be sufficient to spur the German legislature to action, today the committee's vice president voiced the fear that one or more of the streaking incidents might turn violent. "You can't assume these so-called streakers will always have peaceful intent," he said. "We don't want to imagine, for example, what would happen if one had a knife."

Nor do we want to imagine, for example, where one might hide a knife.

Even less would I want the job, seen here, of having to frisk a potentially dangerous streaker-terrorist in search of the knife, Uzi, dynamite, or fertilizer-and-diesel-fuel bomb he might have hidden away in that undisclosed location.

I am currently unaware of any streaking incident that has actually involved violence, except for last year's Super Bowl incident in which a naked man at the 50-yard-line doing moves from "Riverdance" was flattened by a Patriots linebacker. To me, that is the kind of thing we should encourage, not prohibit, but I guess I don't have the correct post-9/11 mindset.

AP via MyWay.com

Muslim Cleric Bans "Annoying" Celebratory Shooting Into Air

On Wednesday, the Grand Ayatollah of Lebanon issued a fatwa banning the common local practice of shooting into the air in celebration, after three people were killed by stray bullets in Beirut. The gun-wielding celebrants were happy about the reelection of Nabih Berri, the kick-ass Shi'ite speaker of Lebanon's parliament. Those short of fireworks evidently tended to fire off a few AK-47 clips into the air, but gravity unexpectedly brought the bullets back to earth.

Grand Ayatollah Mohammed Hussein Fadlallah's edict declares that shooting into the air is now "forbidden because of its major negative consequences and because it is intimidating and annoying." Based on that reasoning, I assume that actually directing the bullets at people is next on the list. I guess we'll see. While you're at it, maybe the suicide bombing, too. That is certainly annoying. And I'm no expert, but I didn't realize you could get a fatwa on something just because it was "annoying." If so, I have a long list of stuff here that I need to send in to the G.A.'s office for immediate fatwa-ing.

Fadlallah also said that the shooting celebrations "reflect weak religious, national and political commitment and a retarded mentality in dealing with special occasions, whether of joy or sadness."

Reuters.com

Nintendo Unveils "Ace Attorney" Adventure Game

The computer-game website Gamespot reported recently on a new game for the Nintendo DS game system called "Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney," in which players take the role of Phoenix Wright, "a nervous defense attorney who just recently passed the bar." Wielding their Nintendo controllers and a Japanese version of American rules of evidence, players investigate crimes and then present their findings in court, attempting to prove their clients' innocence.

According to the developer, all the clients turn out to be innocent.

This is apparently the third in a series of courtroom Nintendo games that have been very successful in Japan. Phoenix Wright (formerly "Gyakuten Saiban") is the first to be sold in America. The developer cited the differences between Japanese and American courtrooms, and the need to translate so much text, as reasons for the delay in bringing the game to America.

He also cited the ability to press buttons causing the character to yell "Objection!" and "Hold it!" as examples of the non-stop excitement of the game. The marketing slogan: "The law has never been this fun."

In case that is not particularly compelling, Phoenix also has an assistant, Maya, who is psychic, and a mentor, Mia, who is busty.

GameSpot

Souter Property May Be Seized Based on Souter Opinion Allowing Seizure of Property

A conservative activist angry about the Supreme Court's opinion in Kelo vs. City of New London, which allows local governments to condemn private property when that will serve the public interest, has asked the city where Justice Souter's farmhouse is located to turn the justice's house into a museum.

The letter cites Justice Souter's majority opinion in Kelo as authority for the condemnation, and argues that the move is justified because the proposed museum would bring in more than the $2,895 in property taxes that Souter paid on the farmhouse last year.

No, this is not really Souter's house, but it probably looks something like this.

AP via Findlaw.com

Public Defender Suspended For Nastygram About Pay Raise

Rarely has someone been less happy to get a raise than Linda Payne, a public defender in Kootenai County, Idaho. PDs there were told by county commissioners on June 5 that their pay would be going up from $45,500 to about $56,000, or about 25 percent. But before the party could really get started, they got another letter saying that a clerical error had been made, and that the raise was really about half that, or to $51,300.

Still fairly significant, relatively speaking, but Payne was not happy. She sent commissioners a greeting card along with a jar of Vaseline and a tube of red lipstick. The card read, "The next time you choose to give us something please lubricate and/or kiss first."

It continued that the mistakenly-less-than-expected raise was "yet another example of your disrespect for loyal county employees," and charged that commissioners had said that "monkeys could do [the] jobs" that the public defenders in Kootenai County are called on to do.

Commissioners denied making any such statements and said that Payne's letter was an "unprofessional response to a simple mistake." Payne was given a one-week suspension.

AP via SFGate.com

Lawyer's Ketchup Email Circles the Globe

Here's the latest lesson taught by the Internet on what not to write in an email.

Richard Phillips, a senior associate at Baker & McKenzie's London office, became a bit irritated with a secretary who had allegedly spilled ketchup on his pants (or in British, "spilt tomato ketchup on his trousers") a week before and had then taken time away from the office without having reimbursed him for said trouser damage. "Dear Jenny," he wrote upon her return to the office, "I went to the dry-cleaners at lunch and they said it would cost four pounds [$7.30] to remove the ketchup stains. If you could let me have the cash today that would be much appreciated."

(Lowering the Bar staff members are currently researching the comparative salaries of senior associates and secretaries at Baker & McKenzie, which will be added shortly.)

It was a bad time to impose on Jenny Amner, who replied, "With reference to the email, I must apologize for not getting back to you straight away but due to my mother's sudden illness, death and funeral I have had more pressing issues than your four pounds. I apologize again for accidentally getting a few splashes of ketchup on your trousers. Obviously your financial need as a senior associate is greater than mine as a mere secretary."

She added that she had forwarded his email to other lawyers and staff in the office and that they had all offered to "do a collection" to raise the four pounds for him. "I, however, declined their kind offer but should you feel the urgent need for four pounds it will be on my desk this afternoon." According to the Reuters report, Phillips came by to get his money.

In the meantime, others at Baker & McKenzie had passed the message on, and it has since shown up in newspapers and around the Internet, eventually ending up here in San Francisco to brighten my morning. Reuters reported that Phillips has now received a number of emails in response, including one from an investment banker saying he was "deeply saddened to hear about the ketchup stain tragedy" and another suggesting he should "emigrate."

Baker & McKenzie management commented that it was aware of the exchange, which it described as a "private matter [not anymore] between two members of staff that clearly got out of hand. We are investigating so as to resolve it as amicably as we can."

The BBC contacted someone it called a "commercial anthropologist" for comment. He said he thought Phillips had chosen to email his request for the money because email has become the "de facto messaging medium" for business and because people find it easier to use email to say uncomfortable things, like asking a secretary to pay for what she has spilt upon your trousers. He also opined -- calling on all his skill in commercial anthropology -- that Phillips might be regretting having used email. "Emails have a long memory," he said.

BBC News
Reuters via Yahoo! News

Human Cannonball to Sue After Being Fired for Fear of Flying

Todd the Human Cannonball told reporters on Thursday that he is considering a lawsuit for wrongful termination against his employer, the Cottle and Austen Combined Circus. Cannonball claims he was fired after he told his employer that he was afraid to fly. His replacement, Diego the Human Rocket, told the Times "I feel sorry for Todd but being a human cannonball is what I have always dreamed of doing and I'm very happy."

Okay. Now I know this one sounds a little too good to be true, and so I have done some checking. There is in fact a circus in England called the Cottle and Austen Combined Circus. And it does appear that it currently employs a "Human Rocket" named "Diago," which is close enough for me. Here he is at work:

The website does not mention Todd the Human Cannonball, as you would expect it to do if this were some kind of publicity stunt. Also, the article quotes a "conciliation service" called ACAS with which Cannonball is supposed to have been consulting about his lawsuit, and ACAS exists as well. And frankly, that's a lot more fact-checking already than you people should be expecting to get in a free smart-ass email like this one, especially given that we are experiencing a small earthquake here in San Francisco as I am typing (we really are). So let's get back to our story.

Todd the Human Cannonball, also known as Todd Christian, surprisingly claims to come from a "circus family" and says he was a lion trainer and trapeze artist before becoming a human cannonball in February. Recently he injured his knee while performing the stunt, and the circus decided to send him to a space center in Brazil for special training, because that is evidently where one goes to learn how to be shot out of a cannon, or maybe how to land safely after being shot out of one.

This does suggest a reason why Brazil's space program has not had greater success.

Anyway, Todd refused to go, saying he is afraid to fly. "I know it sounds silly because I'm a human cannonball," he said, "but I don't like long flights, and if I'm on a plane for a long time I start to panic. They sacked me on the spot; I am devastated. . . . [They] offered me another job but I don't want it. I was employed to get fired out of the cannon and that's what I want to do." Unfortunately for Todd, Diego Zeman was available and has had the special training. Zeman is Brazilian, which seems like cheating since he doesn't have fly to the special classes. He is also falsely advertising his services, since if he is being shot out of a cannon and is not self-propelled then he is not acting as a "human rocket" at all. But I'm sure this will all come out in court.

Marnie Dock, Cottle and Austen's expert cannon trainer, who according to the report became the first female human cannonball at the age of 16, said Todd was terminated for his own safety. "It can be a very dangerous stunt," she said. "The cannon puts a lot of pressure on the leg and back . . . without the proper training in Brazil it would be too dangerous for him to continue. We did it for his own safety; he's a great guy and we offered him another job, but he refused." She said the circus's lawyers did not believe he had a case.

Times Online

Disability-Benefits Fraud Ended by Unfortunate Photos

A judge in Britain sentenced Martin Crowson to a year in jail this week, after an investigation revealed he had fraudulently claimed to be too disabled to work so that he could collect state benefits. Crowson had told the government his disabilities were so severe he was "virtually unable to walk."

Police searching Crowson's home, however, found recent pictures showing him wrestling an alligator and riding a camel. (Not at the same time, but still.) They also found certificates showing that Crowson had earned a black belt in ju jitsu despite his virtual inability to walk.

Prosecutor Theresa Loftus said this evidence "suggested his injuries were not as serious as he claimed."

Judge Vincent Fraser agreed, and sentenced him to a year in jail for his "grossly dishonest" fraud. Crowson had collected $31,000 worth of benefits by means of the scam.

Yahoo! News

Homeland Security: Not Equipped to Deal With Handguns, Chain Saws

Well, I think it's time.  Time for us to agree that all the increased post-9/11 security is a waste of time and not doing us any good.  Here's the latest evidence.

This week, the New York Times reported on a confidential report it had obtained by the Department of Homeland Security.  In it, the DHS noted that despite what it called progress in securing airports since September 11, after "Herculean" efforts, "significant security gaps" still remain at checkpoints run by the TSA.  For example, while the TSA has sophisticated machines that can detect traces of explosives, it tends not to use them.  Or, in their words, the machines get only "limited, undirected use," so that only a very small percentage of carry-on bags or other items are actually checked.  Also, the report states that the TSA should make better arrangements to have armed backup in case of trouble.  Here's why: "If, say, a handgun were discovered, the terrorist would have ample ability to retain control of it.  TSA screeners are neither expecting to encounter a real weapon nor are they trained to gain control of it [if encountered]."

Question.  If TSA screeners are not "expecting to encounter a real weapon," then WHAT THE F*** ARE THEY DOING AND WHY ARE WE STANDING IN LINE?

As Christopher Hitchens wrote on Slate.com, this is what we have to show for efforts that have now lasted almost exactly the same length of time that elapsed between Pearl Harbor and the surrender of Japan.  So it is possible to accomplish a fair amount during that period of time, or at least it used to be.

Oh, but according to TSA spokesman Mark Hatfield, there has been progress, because the average peak wait time at checkpoints has dropped one minute during the past year, to about 12 minutes.  To begin with, which airport is it exactly that has "twelve minutes [or less] peak wait time"?  And why is a one-minute improvement something to brag about?

Let's see.  Where else are we not secure?   How about the border?  Well, you tell me.  The AP reported today that in April, a man arrived at a US-Canada border crossing in Maine, carrying "a homemade sword, a hatchet, a knife, brass knuckles and a chain saw stained with what appeared to be blood."  He told border guards he was working for President Bush and needed to cross the border in order to catch a helicopter.

Another question.  Don't you think something like that might be on the test you have to take to get your border-guard license?  "A man appears who claims to be working for the President.  He is carrying a chain saw stained with what appears to be blood.  What do you do?"  If you answer, "Let the man into the country," you should FAIL. Anyway, that's what happened.  They did take his weapons (you can't be too careful), but in he came.  It's not like you need to worry that he might be a murderer, say that he might have decapitated somebody, maybe his neighbor, with the chain saw stained with what appeared to be blood.  (Just a coincidence, but this guy did.)  And even if you were worried, what can you do?  You're not expecting to encounter a real weapon, let alone five of them.  You're not trained for that!

A spokesman for U.S. Customs said that the man had been questioned for two hours, but that they did not detain him further because "nobody asked us to detain him . . . Being bizarre is not a reason to keep somebody out of this country or lock them up."  He conceded that it "sounds stupid" that a man carrying a bloody chain saw could not be detained at the border.  But he said that as far as they knew, it could have been rust or red paint.  "Our people don't have a crime lab up there," he said.

NY Times on DHS Report
AP via Yahoo! News
Toronto Star
Reuters

CNN: Michael Jackson: Does Anyone Care?

I don't, which is why I have not been commenting on the trial in any way. But with it drawing to a close now, I thought it was interesting that it took CNN until yesterday to ask whether or not anybody really cares what happens, and if not, why not.

CNN seemed to be lamenting the lack of public interest, and TV coverage. It said the absence of cameras from the courtroom has led to ridiculous things like trial reenactments using actors and even puppets (MSNBC's "Michael Jackson Puppet Theater"). CNN argued that if only the trial had been televised, "the public would have gotten more civics and less circus." Oh, you think so? Were you guys around for the O.J. Simpson trial? No circus there.

The poor media did not get nearly as much out of Michael Jackson's self-destruction as it did from the O.J. or Scott Peterson trials. Expectations were high early on, especially when Jackson danced on top of an SUV outside the courtroom shortly after pleading not guilty. "I was saying to myself," remembered a producer for Fox News, "'Boy, oh boy,' I can't wait to see what the numbers are for this thing." They sucked. "This turned out to be a story that didn't even have enough traction to compete with the runaway bride," complained Robert Thompson, head of the Center for the Study of Popular Television. (His scholarly monograph on the philosophical underpinnings of "Everybody Loves Raymond" is due out later this year.)

CourtTV representatives unsurprisingly said that televising the trial would have provided a needed public service, and the AP's lawyer said that doing so would have provided a contrast to the "hoopla" outside. One effect of the lack of courtroom footage was an increased use of legal commentators, which attorney Rikki Klieman was quoted as saying was a real disservice to viewers. "Some of these wouldn't even know where to stand in a courtroom . . . but the world thinks they know what they're talking about," she said. Klieman, who is a legal commentator for CourtTV, is probably an exception to that rule, I suppose.

I say the use of puppets should be required in all televised legal commentary. While we're at it, let's get puppets or monkeys on C-SPAN. They need something to liven that up.

CNN.com