Lowering the Bar

Sandy Baby Announces Retirement

As some of you may have heard by now, Justice Sandra Day O'Connor has announced her retirement from the U.S. Supreme Court, effective upon the confirmation of her replacement, and boy do we all have a fun few months coming up while that battle is being fought. Personally, I expect Bush will probably nominate Noam Chomsky or maybe Michael Moore, but these are not the odds-on favorites.

Few expected O'Connor to be the one to go. According to the New York Times, allies of the White House were taken off guard. C. Boyden Gray, former White House counsel and now head of a "key advocacy group set to back whoever the president nominates," learned of the resignation this morning by text message. "It makes me nervous," he said.

While O'Connor will be remembered for being the first female justice, for having great influence on Court decisions by frequently providing a swing vote, and for writing a lot of probably notable opinions that I could go find the names of right now if I had more time, this is not the place for any of that. No, this is the place to recall the White House dinner in 1985 at which a drunken John Riggins, then a running back for the Washington Redskins, told Justice O'Connor to "loosen up, Sandy baby." Here's Riggins' version of the story, as told to New York Sports Express:

NYSX: At a White House Dinner in 1985 you gave my all-time favorite quote, admonishing Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor: "Loosen Up Sandy baby. You're too tight." What made you say that to her?

JR: You have to remember, as they say, I was feeling no pain. The person who really ended up getting the full brunt of me that evening was Chuck Robb who was the governor of Virginia at that time. . . . And then it was announced that Justice O'Connor and her husband John had to leave the banquet early. So that's when I made my comment. You know, like you would to a friend — "C'mon where you going, stick around, loosen up, have some fun here." That's the vein it was meant in. I was just having fun.

She understood that. I saw her this January. We came face to face and the first thing she said was "You know, you're going to be on my tombstone." And I said "You know what Justice O'Connor? That's the same thing I tell people. You're going to be on my tombstone." So we're kinda joined at the hip for eternity I think. Which I have to say if you're gonna be joined at the hip to somebody, Sandra Day O'Connor ain't a bad one to be joined to in my opinion. . . . I'm sure she doesn't see it that way, but it's not bad on my end.

So. There's her epitaph:

Sandra Day O'Connor
1930-2???
Associate Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court
Joined at the Hip to John Riggins
Running Back of the Washington Redskins
She Was Not a Bad One With Whom to Be Joined
at the Hip for Eternity
If Joined With Someone In That Fashion You Must Be

Link: New York Times
Link: NY Sports Express

World Cup Organizers Fear Knife-Wielding Streakers

The organizing committee of next year's World Cup, a tournament in which teams from around the world apparently compete in games of something the committee called "soccer," stated today that they would seek heavy fines for anyone caught streaking during the tournament. The statement was apparently prompted by incidents of streaking during the recent Confederations Cup tournament, in which one out of every four games was plagued by streakers.

The committee is seeking to have a new law passed in Germany, where the World Cup will be held, to authorize the fines, because currently there is no penalty in Germany for spectators who run onto the field. Apparently thinking that the threat of indecency would not be sufficient to spur the German legislature to action, today the committee's vice president voiced the fear that one or more of the streaking incidents might turn violent. "You can't assume these so-called streakers will always have peaceful intent," he said. "We don't want to imagine, for example, what would happen if one had a knife."

Nor do we want to imagine, for example, where one might hide a knife.

Even less would I want the job, seen here, of having to frisk a potentially dangerous streaker-terrorist in search of the knife, Uzi, dynamite, or fertilizer-and-diesel-fuel bomb he might have hidden away in that undisclosed location.

I am currently unaware of any streaking incident that has actually involved violence, except for last year's Super Bowl incident in which a naked man at the 50-yard-line doing moves from "Riverdance" was flattened by a Patriots linebacker. To me, that is the kind of thing we should encourage, not prohibit, but I guess I don't have the correct post-9/11 mindset.

AP via MyWay.com

Muslim Cleric Bans "Annoying" Celebratory Shooting Into Air

On Wednesday, the Grand Ayatollah of Lebanon issued a fatwa banning the common local practice of shooting into the air in celebration, after three people were killed by stray bullets in Beirut. The gun-wielding celebrants were happy about the reelection of Nabih Berri, the kick-ass Shi'ite speaker of Lebanon's parliament. Those short of fireworks evidently tended to fire off a few AK-47 clips into the air, but gravity unexpectedly brought the bullets back to earth.

Grand Ayatollah Mohammed Hussein Fadlallah's edict declares that shooting into the air is now "forbidden because of its major negative consequences and because it is intimidating and annoying." Based on that reasoning, I assume that actually directing the bullets at people is next on the list. I guess we'll see. While you're at it, maybe the suicide bombing, too. That is certainly annoying. And I'm no expert, but I didn't realize you could get a fatwa on something just because it was "annoying." If so, I have a long list of stuff here that I need to send in to the G.A.'s office for immediate fatwa-ing.

Fadlallah also said that the shooting celebrations "reflect weak religious, national and political commitment and a retarded mentality in dealing with special occasions, whether of joy or sadness."

Reuters.com

Nintendo Unveils "Ace Attorney" Adventure Game

The computer-game website Gamespot reported recently on a new game for the Nintendo DS game system called "Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney," in which players take the role of Phoenix Wright, "a nervous defense attorney who just recently passed the bar." Wielding their Nintendo controllers and a Japanese version of American rules of evidence, players investigate crimes and then present their findings in court, attempting to prove their clients' innocence.

According to the developer, all the clients turn out to be innocent.

This is apparently the third in a series of courtroom Nintendo games that have been very successful in Japan. Phoenix Wright (formerly "Gyakuten Saiban") is the first to be sold in America. The developer cited the differences between Japanese and American courtrooms, and the need to translate so much text, as reasons for the delay in bringing the game to America.

He also cited the ability to press buttons causing the character to yell "Objection!" and "Hold it!" as examples of the non-stop excitement of the game. The marketing slogan: "The law has never been this fun."

In case that is not particularly compelling, Phoenix also has an assistant, Maya, who is psychic, and a mentor, Mia, who is busty.

GameSpot

Souter Property May Be Seized Based on Souter Opinion Allowing Seizure of Property

A conservative activist angry about the Supreme Court's opinion in Kelo vs. City of New London, which allows local governments to condemn private property when that will serve the public interest, has asked the city where Justice Souter's farmhouse is located to turn the justice's house into a museum.

The letter cites Justice Souter's majority opinion in Kelo as authority for the condemnation, and argues that the move is justified because the proposed museum would bring in more than the $2,895 in property taxes that Souter paid on the farmhouse last year.

No, this is not really Souter's house, but it probably looks something like this.

AP via Findlaw.com