Lowering the Bar

New Documents Show Policeman was Injured by Falling President Last Summer

A Scottish newspaper is reporting that President Bush seriously injured a Scottish police constable after a session of the G8 summit last July.

The report states that the accident was caused by President Bush trying to wave, talk and ride a bike at the same time.

The constable was one of a number of police who were detailed to guard against protesters disrupting the summit. According to the official police incident report, the police unit was asked to cover a particular road junction as the "President of the USA, George Bush, was cycling through."

The report continues:

[At] about 1800 hours the President approached the junction at speed on the bicycle. The road was damp at the time. As the President passed the junction at speed he raised his left arm from the handlebars to wave to the police officers present while shouting "thanks, you guys, for coming." As he did this he lost control of the cycle, falling to the ground, causing both himself and his bicycle to strike [the officer] on the lower legs. [The officer] fell to the ground, striking his head. The President continued along the ground for approximately five metres, causing himself a number of abrasions. The officers . . . then assisted both injured parties.

The injured officer was taken to a local hospital where he was diagnosed with ankle injuries that put him on crutches and apparently forced him to miss work for 14 weeks. The report lists the official cause of injury to the officer as "Hit by moving/falling object [i.e., the President of the United States]." Said object received treatment for scrapes but was not seriously hurt.

Smelling a cover-up, the Scottish paper raised questions as to why the details of the crash had not been released until now, speculating that they had been "kept under wraps for fear of embarrassing both Bush and the injured constable." It also pointed out that a non-presidential violator could well have been charged with careless driving for such an incident, saying that earlier this year police in Strathclyde "issued three fixed penalty notices to errant cyclists as part of a crack-down on rogue riders," whatever the hell that means.

This is at least the third presidential crash known to have taken place. In May 2004, he fell off his mountain bike while riding on his ranch in Texas, and the previous year he had somehow fallen off a highly advanced and gyroscopically stabilized Segway scooter. Last year's incident, however, is the only one known to have injured another person, and comes not long after a Texas man's face rudely intercepted a load of buckshot fired by Vice-President Cheney.

Bush and Cheney are believed to be the most dangerous U.S. leadership pair since James Sherman was accused of tackling the Postmaster General so President Taft could sit on him.

Scotsman.com

Insurer's Attempt to Blame Dog for Fire Fails

Last month, the Third Circuit affirmed a decision granting summary judgment to the maker and seller of a halogen lamp believed to have caused a fire that destroyed a New Jersey home.  They had been sued by State Farm, which had paid for the damage and wanted its money back.  Its investigation concluded that the standing lamp had probably caused the fire after its bulb came in contact with some nearby drapes.

The problem was proving how that might have happened, since the drapes were a couple of feet away from the bulb, which was in a recess at the top of the lamp.  The expert's answer: the dog did it.

He testified that the homeowners' dog "might have accidentally pulled the window draperies over the lamp or knocked or tilted the lamp into the draperies in an effort to investigate the tree trimming that was occurring in the home's vicinity that day."  (The dog could not be questioned about the theory because sadly he died in the fire.)  But he could not definitively say that the lamp was knocked over before the fire began, and another State Farm expert said he believed it had not been.

The court held that the first expert's effort to blame the fire on the dead dog "was speculative insofar as this theory was not supported by any scientific analysis or methodology that indicated that the dog in fact brought the draperies into contact with the halogen lamp."  Odd that he couldn't present his scientific methodology on dog behavior, but in any event the court excluded the testimony and that left State Farm with no causation evidence.  Case dismissed.

State Farm Fire & Cas. Co. v. Holmes Products, No. 04-4532 (3d Cir. Jan. 31, 2006).

Berkeley Disinvites Thousands of Losers from Admission Party

A email accidentally sent by the law school admissions director for the University of California at Berkeley comically ruined the lives of thousands of applicants this week.  Edward Tom was training a new staff member when he attempted to send an email to 500 students who had gained early admission, inviting them to a reception on April 6.  Somehow he managed to send it to all applicants, many of whom, of course, are complete losers who were not even close to getting into a school like Berkeley.

(Disclaimer: Your reporter didn't get into Berkeley, either -- although I'm sure it was pretty close, probably -- and had to settle for lame-ass Georgetown.)

Apparently the message got to about half of the 7,000 applicants before the mail server failed.  Still, the phones started ringing almost immediately as confused applicants who had never gotten acceptance letters -- and some who never will -- called to figure out what was going on.

Berkeley says it plans to notify all applicants of their acceptance status by early March, and Mr. Tom, who continues to insist on having two first names, says he plans to let somebody else handle the mass mailings from now on.

AP via FindLaw.com

Whoever Was Buying the Kid Rock Sex Video Now Has to Stop

Robert Ritchie, a.k.a. "Kid Rock," has won a temporary injunction to stop the sale of a video that allegedly shows him engaged in sexual activity as part of a group that included four women and Scott Stapp, the former lead singer for Creed.

The real news here is that anyone would buy a video showing Kid Rock having sex with anything.  At least since the midget sidekick died.

Kid Rock's lawyer (a title I know many of you wish you held) said his client did not deny the video was authentic, but said it was "clearly understood" that the video was to remain Stapp's private property and was not to be distributed.  Rock is suing the World Wide Red Light District Company, the same company that distributed Paris Hilton's video, for trademark and privacy-right violations.  (I'm not sure what trademark is allegedly being infringed, and actually I don't want to know.)

The owner of Red Light and his attorney said that they felt they were within their rights because public figures were involved.  They also stated that, surprisingly, the video "involved women from a strip club and was taken in a motor home."

AP via FindLaw.com

7-Year-Old Girl Marries Dog, Family Celebrates

Friends and family of Shivam Munda, a seven-year-old Santhal Indian girl from Bihar province, held three days of traditional celebrations and festivities after Shivam married a dog.

Indian media reported that girl's upper teeth came in before her lower teeth did, which in Santhal culture is a very bad omen.  The remedy for this particular bad omen is apparently to get married to a dog.  The girl's father, Kundan Munda, said his daughter wed the stray dog only to "remove the evil eye" -- somehow the dog carries the curse away with it.   Evidently, the dog wedding is not legally binding, as Mr. Munda noted that it would not prevent his daughter from marrying a human man later in life.

However, it did provide an occasion for the traditional three days of celebration that are part of Santhal wedding rituals.

AP via SFGate.com

Charmingest-Named Supreme Court Cert Denial Ever

Everything for Love, Inc. v. Tender Loving Things, Inc.

The case involved patent and trademark issues related to a scalp-massage device called "The Tingler."  Sadly, we will be hearing no more of this case.

74 U.S.L.W. 3351 (Feb. 21, 2006).

Good Reason to Kill #1: Roommate Used The Last Roll Of Toilet Paper

Sadly, this post will probably be the first in a series.

This story brought to you by Frank Crow, 56, of Moss Bluff, Florida, who got into an argument about the lack of available toilet paper with his roommate, 58-year-old Kenneth Matthews.  (Why do they always give the participants' ages, anyway?  It almost never makes a story better unless one or more of the participants is over 90.  Oh, well.)

Crow initially denied any involvement -- and I bet there was no evidence at all to suggest he was involved -- but confessed during questioning.  (CNN's report has a video link in the story entitled "Watch how an 11-year-old helped get the confession.")  Crow said that the men started fighting over the absence of toilet paper and that eventually Matthews pulled out a rifle.  Not quickly enough, apparently, because Crow "then began beating Matthews with the sledgehammer and claw hammer," he told police.  The beating was wildly successful, as beatings go, since Matthews had to be identified through his fingerprints.

When informed of the reason for the beating, police said they understood Crow's frustration and let him go immediately.  "There's nothing worse," said one deputy, "than the feeling you get when you look over, realize there ain't no TP and you got nowhere to go.  It's enough to make any man grab a hammer or two and beat his friend to death."

No, that didn't happen.  Crow was charged with homicide and is being held without bail.  The Marion County jail probably has plenty of toilet paper, but I bet it ain't but one-ply.

Link: CNN.com

Mahjong: That Loving, Brutal Game

Legal consequences involving the Chinese tile game mahjong were in the news twice today.

First, the AP reported that petty criminals in Taiwan are increasingly being given the choice of either paying a fine or engaging in community service.  ("Petty criminal" apparently includes burglary, drunk driving, and "posting nude pictures on the Internet.")  One frequent type of community service involves forcing offenders to play mahjong with elderly people.  According to a Taiwanese official, "the offenders first dismissed the duty as wasting time, but they soon discovered they were respected and drew satisfaction from helping the elderly."  It's also easier than picking up trash, of course.

But in Malaysia, mahjong showed its darker side.  Two men were playing mahjong in a coffee shop in George Town, Penang, last Thursday, when an argument started.  The report did not say what started the argument, but it did say how it ended: one man grabbed a spoon and shoved it up his opponent's nose.

He followed up by bashing the man with a chair.

Other customers broke up the fight and the victim was treated at a nearby hospital, presumably for spoon inhalation.  Police are still looking for the assailant.

The rate of mahjong-related violence has skyrocketed recently, going from zero cases to this one.

AP via SFGate.com
New Straits Times (Malaysia)

Texas Candidate Says Former Life as Prostitute is Behind Him

Desperate not to miss out on election-year scandals, the Texas Democratic Party is offering a former prostitute for election to the state house of representatives.

Tom Malin, a salesman and actor who is running in the March 7 primary, has stated publicly that he worked as a prostitute in the past but has now changed his life and accepted responsibility and the Lord's forgiveness for his past lifestyle.  "I've made mistakes," he conceded, but said he would stay in the race because he felt others could benefit from his experience (in having made mistakes and been forgiven).

At least some Democrats knew about Malin's past, but others did not.  The Dallas Tejano Democrats endorsed Malin on Thursday, only to learn the additional facts today.  "Obviously we will have to reconsider our decision based on the new information," said the group's chairman.

Malin will face retired salesman and non-prostitute Jack Borden in the March primary.  The winner will lose to incumbent Dan Branch, who represents a district in central Dallas.

Malin told the Houston Chronicle that "people care about where you're going, not where you've been."  Maybe so, but they might care about where others have been.

Houston Chronicle

Kansans Wanting to Marry a 12-Year-Old Must Act Quickly

KAKE News in Wichita has alerted local residents to a new bill that may raise the minimum marriage age to 16, with parental approval, or 18 without approval.  Currently, 12-year-olds can get married in Kansas with the consent of a parent or judge.

Is there any irony in the fact that 12-year-olds can mate in Kansas but the teaching of evolution is frowned upon?  I mean, there's something there -- I'm just not sure irony is the word.

121 state lawmakers voted in favor of the bill -- and one dissented.  Rep. Bonnie Huy of Wichita voted against the bill, noting there have been only 34 underage marriages (under what age was not reported) in Kansas since 1999, and that Kansans facing "the most important decision of their young lives" should not be limited.  She also believes the law infringes on parental rights to raise children.

The bill is expected to pass the state senate as well.

KAKE.com