Lowering the Bar

Pimp Sues Customers For Engaging in Illegal Activity

A Dutch man who formerly lived in Florida, but was deported after being charged with running one of the largest escort services in the Southeast, has sued six of his former customers for breaking the law while being "escorted."  By his girls.

Arthur Vanmoor, who also served 18 months in Florida prison after being convicted on racketeering charges, alleges that his arrest and incarceration were the customers' fault.  According to Vanmoor's attorney, each of the men signed a credit-card slip clearly stating that the transaction was "not for illegal activity."  Had they informed him that they had engaged in such illegal activity during the escortation, "he could have refunded the credit card charges as an act of withdrawal, abandonment, or renunciation," apparently an argument that he could have avoided conspiracy charges had the men only told him the truth.  He was evidently astonished to find out about the illegal goings-on.

The fact that the men were paying $245 per hour to be escorted does not seem to have clued him in to the possibility of shenanigans.  Nor is it likely to help Vanmoor's case that the criminal investigation found that he used aliases including "Arthur Funmore" and, more to the point, "Big Pimpin' Pappy."  He also refers to himself on one hidden-camera tape as a "streetwise pimp."

Police say Vanmoor reported income of $6.2 million over four years from the escort business, but believe that he earned much more.  His attorney said last month that he "believes" his client is still in the Netherlands.

ABC Action News -- St. Petersburg

Dodgeball Game Leads to Assault Charges

Not stemming from dodgeball impact, either.

From my original home zone of the Midwest comes this story of dodgeball gone wrong.  A humble game of dodgeball at Crescent Lake Christian Academy in Liberty, Missouri, turned ugly in February when one of the 16-year-old participants hit his 27-year-old youth minister in the head with a ball.  His first throw at David Boudreaux missed, but the second hit his face and knocked off his glasses.

Turn the other cheek?  Oh, no.

Boudreaux went after the boy, who apologized, but Boudreaux knocked him down and, when he got up, kicked him in the groin just to drive the lesson home.  Boudreaux has since apologized, but was still charged Wednesday with one count of third-degree assault.  He has been placed on administrative leave and likely will not be ministering in high-impact situations anytime soon.

My Way News

Zimzim Urallala Zimzim, Says Mayor

Harper's Magazine reported this month on a proclamation in honor of Dadaism issued late last year by Dennis Highberger, the mayor of Lawrence, Kansas.  This year is (according to some) the 90th anniversary of the creation of Dadaism, an artistic movement that has been described as "characterized by absurdism, nihilism, deliberate irrationality, disillusionment, cynicism, chance, randomness, and the rejection of the prevailing standards in art."  It "strove to have no meaning" and "to offend."

So, a lot like Rush Limbaugh.

Accordingly, the proclamation declares thirteen randomly chosen days (including last Tuesday, and tomorrow) in 2006 as "International Dadaism Month."  It includes the following:

WHEREAS: The central message of Dada is the realization that reason and anti-reason, sense and nonsense, design and chance, consciousness and unconsciousness, belong together as necessary parts of a whole; and

WHEREAS: Dada is a virgin microbe that penetrates with the insistence of air into all those spaces that reason has failed to fill with words and conventions; and

WHEREAS: zimzim urallala zimzim urallala zimzim zanzibar zimzalla zam;

NOW, THEREFORE, I, Dennis Highberger, Mayor of the City of Lawrence, Kansas, do hereby proclaim the [thirteen randomly chosen days from February to October] as “International Dadaism Month.”

Mark your calendars, virgin microbes.

Harpers.org

Man Charged With Leaving Scene of Crash After Snake Attack

Drivers in Naples, Florida, called police Tuesday night to report the kind of road incident that you don't see every day, but would like to.  They reported that a man who had been driving his PT Cruiser erratically then crashed into a series of barricades before finally coming to a stop.  The man got out of his car, wrestled briefly with a snake, and then got back in his car -- with the snake -- and drove off.

Authorities tracked the car to the home of Courtland Page Johnson, 30, and his pet snake, age unknown.  He first told police that he had crashed into another car that had stopped short in front of him, but later admitted that he had been driving with his snake wrapped around his neck and that he panicked when it started to bite him.

The fact that Johnson was driving a PT Cruiser and wearing a neck-snake really made this sound to me like something out of a ZZ Top video.  If anyone comes up with a mugshot involving a lengthy beard and cheap sunglasses, please forward.

Though Johnson had not injured anyone, and had provided entertainment for amateur humor writers and their audiences across the country, he was still charged with leaving the scene of an accident.

My Way News
Naples Daily News

Note to Self: "What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas" May Not Be Legally Binding

This transcript from a CNN report (Anderson Cooper, again reporting on the vital issues of the day) records a great argument by Larry Burns, attorney for a woman who was married to three men (independently).  Julia Bish was already married to Randy Bish when she married Sgt. Mark Hunt last year in Las Vegas.  Randy and Mark then found out that Julia also married yet another man, also in Las Vegas, in 2002.  Julia Bish was arrested in her home state of Pennsylvania and charged with bigamy.

The legal argument: "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas."  Brilliant, but controversial.  CNN checked it out with a law professor to make sure they had it straight:

LARRY BURNS, JULIA BISH'S ATTORNEY: What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Pennsylvania has no jurisdiction over actions of people out in Las Vegas and they [sic] never have.

     TUCHMAN:  Is that true?

PROF. MICHAEL BROYDE, EMORY UNIV. SCHOOL OF LAW: If you are validly married to a person in Pennsylvania and then you validly marry another in Las Vegas, you have violated the bigamy statute. No question about it.

Well, that's his opinion.

CNN.com - Transcripts

Citing Authority, Scalia Argues Cogently That His "Obscene Gesture" Was Misinterpreted As Such

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia fired off a letter to the Boston Herald this week, complaining about a report in that paper that Scalia had made an "obscene gesture" toward reporters on Sunday.  A Herald reporter caught Scalia after he had attended Mass at the Cathedral of the Holy Cross and asked him whether his impartiality in matters of church and state could reasonably be questioned (apparently because he was caught going to church).  Scalia responded via gesture, which was initially reported to be finger-based but by Monday had been identified as "flicking his hand under his chin."  Scalia apparently then followed up with the phrase, "That's Sicilian."

Scalia sharply contested the reporter's interpretation of this as "obscene," saying the reporter had jumped to that conclusion.  "From watching too many episodes of the Sopranos," Scalia wrote, "your staff seems to have acquired the belief that any Sicilian gesture is obscene -- especially when made by an 'Italian jurist' [as the report had described him].  I am, by the way, an American jurist."

Instead, he continued, the gesture is properly construed as merely "dismissive."  As you would expect, he cited authority, quoting from the book "The Italians" by one Luigi Barzini, a name that certainly sounds authoritative, and dangerous.  He quoted Barzini as stating: "The extended fingers of one hand moving slowly back and forth under the raised chin means 'I couldn't care less.  It's no business of mine.  Count me out.'"

Scalia most recently used the gesture on March 29th during oral argument in Hamdan v. Rumsfeld, in response to an argument that foreigners had rights.  (No, he didn't.)

Hamdan also saw Justice Thomas use his most common gesture, in which the extended fingers of both hands, as well as the chin and mouth parts, remain entirely motionless.

Link: AP via FindLaw.com

Village Policeman Charged With Corruption

Victor Willis, the highest-ranking member of the Village People, has been re-arrested after attempting to flee from gun and drug charges against him in San Mateo County, California.

Ironically, he was the policeman.

Willis, who was the co-author of such hits as "In the Navy" and "YMCA," has apparently been in trouble numerous times in recent years.  He had agreed to a plea deal on the earlier charges that would have led to a maximum of 16 months in jail.  He later disappeared, only to be re-arrested this past weekend.  The attempted flight means that he now may face a sentence of more than five years in jail.

The construction worker, cowboy, and biker could not be reached for comment.

Not sure what point Reuters News was trying to make with this quote, from Morley Pitt, the assistant D.A.: "'It's just sad that his life has spiraled down to the point where in all likelihood he's going to go to prison,' Pitt, who said he enjoys the song 'YMCA,' told Reuters."  Nice touch, reporter.

I guess a D.A.'s got to do his duty, even if the accused did co-write one of the cheeriest pop tunes (and gay anthems) ever recorded.

MSNBC.com

REPORT: Government Covering Up Truth About 9/11, According to Charlie Sheen

Continuing its recent tradition of crack reporting on the issues of the day, CNN's Headline News is running a segment on allegations that the government has covered up the actual events of 9/11. Its inside source: Charlie Sheen.

On Friday's show:

The response to Charlie Sheen's charges of a government cover up on what really happened on 9/11. Find out who's praising him for speaking up.

You'd think they would go to a real expert, like Sean Penn or maybe Martin Sheen. At least Martin Sheen played the President on TV.

CNN is also running a "Quickvote" web poll as to whether visitors "agree with Charlie Sheen that the U.S. government covered up the real events of the 9/11 attacks." At the time I wrote this, almost 23,000 people had responded. Eighty-two percent of them did in fact agree with Charlie Sheen.

Broker, Employer Battle over Reasons for Firing

Jim Whitehouse is suing his former employer, RBC Dominion Securities, for wrongful dismissal.  He was fired in early 2004 but the parties dispute the reason for the firing.

Whitehouse testified that he felt it was due to friction over his unique business model and investment style, which focused on bonds and did not include nearly as many stocks as other brokers did.  He also felt that his reluctance to adopt annual payment fees instead of being paid by the transaction was causing a conflict with his manager.

RBC says it was because he brought prostitutes to the office.

Whitehouse had earned (1) an average of $362,000 a year in commissions and (2) a reputation as someone who brought prostitutes to the office, during his last five years with the firm.  RBC officials testified that he was let go two days after it was discovered that he had brought a prostitute into the company's downtown office, and left her alone for some period of time in a secure area.

Whitehouse said he had long felt "unappreciated" at work.

Calgary Herald

Teacher Sues for Harassment Due to Farting Chair

Sue Storer formerly taught at Bedminster Down Secondary School in Bristol, England, but resigned last September, saying she had been subjected to sexist and other harassing behavior at work.   While there is nothing funny about the allegations of sexism, the other claims are pretty good.

Storer told an employment tribunal on Tuesday that, among other things, the school had harassed her by failing to replace her chair, which she said made a "farting" noise whenever she sat on it.  She claimed that other staff received new chairs but she did not.  Storer told the tribunal that the chair was a "source of embarrassment, especially at parent-teacher meetings." This added to the pressure Storer was allegedly under, and helped cause her resignation.

The tribunal is expected to rule within the next two weeks.

CNN.com