Lowering the Bar

You Thought Things Were Bad Before

A man in Germany trying to end it all just made it even worse for himself when he miscalculated his jump.  He meant to jump under a train, but timed his jump too late and so he instead crashed through the side window of the driver's cabin.

Now he has to pay to have the train fixed.

Also, although the man himself apparently was not seriously wounded, he did scare the hell out of the driver, who subsequently suffered from post-traumatic stress and was unable to work for weeks.  On Tuesday, a court in Munich ruled that although the jumper had not committed any crime, under the German civil code he was responsible for half of the driver's lost wages and half the damages to the train.

Hopefully this means the guy has changed his mind about jumping in the first place, and so will still be around to earn the money to pay the damages.  I guess the court is trying to send the message, "you shouldn't have jumped, but if you must jump, jump sooner."

Link: Reuters News via My Way.com

Man Wants Money Back for MiG-21 Bought on eBay

Zhang Cheng, a businessman in Beijing, is demanding his money back from a man who posted a MiG-21 for sale on eBay.  Zhang bought the fighter jet, previously in the Czech Air Force but now located somewhere in Idaho, for $24,730.  Which frankly seems like a bargain.  Twenty-five grand won't even buy you a decent Camry, I don't think, and the Camry doesn't come with afterburner OR heat-seeking missiles.

Although Zhang's was the winning bid, the seller has refused to ship it to him because the seller claimed he had restricted the destination to the U.S. and Canada.  "Legal experts" have apparently informed Zhang that the plane would be "almost impossible to ship back," although it's not clear to me whether that means it would be hard to ship it "back" to China from the U.S. or that Zhang would be unable to return it if it turned out to be a lemon.

Some have accused Zhang of just trying to pull a publicity stunt, but he says he is a collector.  "I have the buying power and my company has an empty space where I can display the plane," he said.  I'm envious -- that "empty space" problem is the only reason I don't go out and get my own fighter, and it wouldn't be any lame old MiG-21, either -- nothing less than a -25 -- but there just isn't room in our lobby.

Link: My Way News

After Conviction, Zacarias Moussaoui Wants to Withdraw Guilty Plea

After a lengthy trial in which he openly admitted his guilt and mocked the pain of the September 11 victims, and yet was still spared the death penalty, Zacarias Moussaoui now wants to withdraw his guilty plea.  In a motion released this week, he said that his claim that he was supposed to have helped hijack a fifth plane on September 11th was a "complete fabrication," and that he testified as he did because he thought he would be sentenced to death no matter what he said.  Having discovered, however, that he could "receive a fair trial even with Americans as jurors," he now wants to try again, hoping for a complete acquittal this time.

Sure, we did have so much fun the first time around, it seems like a shame to not do the whole thing again, but sadly that's not the way it works.  The judge denied Moussaoui's request, pointing out that he had waived the right to withdraw the plea or to appeal the conviction itself, as was explained to him at the time of his plea.

The most plausible argument he apparently made is that he somehow thought that, if he pleaded guilty, the Supreme Court would immediately review his objections to the denial of access to captured "enemy-combatant" witnesses.  Not sure how that explains gloating over the many deaths, though.  That wouldn't seem likely to speed along the review process.  Maybe he is just a nutbag.  Anyway, according to the motion, Moussaoui told his lawyers Friday that he wanted to withdraw his guilty plea because when he made it his "understanding of the American legal system was completely flawed."  That at least is believable.

Link: MSNBC.com.

California Finally Passes Anti-Tom-Cruise Law

The California Assembly has overwhelmingly passed a bill that would bar the purchase of ultrasound machines by private parties.  While Tom Cruise is not specifically mentioned in the bill, and unfortunately will probably not be covered by the law if it passes (it's not retroactive), the bill was apparently introduced as a result of Cruise's purchase of an ultrasound machine so that he could watch his developing alien baby around the clock.  Cruise bought the $200,000 machine last November, saying he would donate it to a hospital once the infant had emerged from its incubation pod.  He would not reveal to people who cared whether the child was a boy or a girl.  When Barbara Walters asked him "What do you see?", he replied "A little baby."  A little baby Scientologist, he means.

Doctors objected to the purchase on the grounds that, while unlikely, tissue damage is possible from the kind of ultrasound overuse that might result from a nutbag celebrity's getting hold of one.  No significant health risks have been attributed to ordinary non-unlicensed-celebrity use, and according to the FDA the only demonstrated effect from such use has been a slight increase in left-handedness among boys, which is already creepy enough for me.  But some studies have shown that ultrasound can produce physical effects in tissue, especially when used for a prolonged period of time.  The combined effect of ultrasound and the fixed and toothy gaze of a crazy film star has not yet been evaluated.

The California Legislature got involved because they have solved all of California's other problems and have been kicking around waiting for something to do.

The preface of the bill, which is unfortunately not called "Suri's Law," states that "as more advanced ultrasound technologies (including using higher ultrasound intensities) become available, fetal keepsake videos and portraits for souvenirs have become more popular.  There are a number of facilities in California that offer a variety of keepsake ultrasounds, including movies and three-dimensional obstetrical images."  Of course there are.  But at least if the bill passes the Senate, no others will be in the gestation rooms of celebrity homes.

Link: AP via SFGate.com
Link: Cal. AB 2360

TSA Clears Self of Suspicion in Inspection Dispute

I forgot this one from three weeks ago.  Debra Sanders of Clearwater, Florida, has accused the Transportation Security Administration of lax security and improper inspection procedures after she got home from a trip to New Jersey.

She first suspected her bag had been inspected by the TSA when she opened her bag and found a TSA uniform in it.  (Sanders is not a TSA employee.)

Hm.

The good part is that the TSA denies that any of its employees searched the woman's bag, on the grounds that when they search a bag they leave a note inside saying that they did so.  There was no note in Sanders's bag, therefore, no search occurred.  Thank you for contacting us with your concerns.  Please move along.  The report did not say whether the TSA had any explanation as to how a TSA uniform got in the bag, note or no note.

Link: First Coast News (Tampa, FL).

Judge's Mystic Dwarf Friends Identified

I previously reported on Judge Florentino Floro, a judge in the Philippines who was removed from the bench recently for acts as innocuous as fortune-telling, faith healing in chambers, and beginning each court session with a cheery reading from the Book of Revelations.  He also said he had made a covenant with "dwarf friends," but little was known about these friends until this week.

Floro was back in the news because he is appealing the ruling by the country's Supreme Court removing him from office.  The grounds are discrimination against people who tell fortunes, heal people, read from Revelations and make covenants with mystic dwarfs.  (Also, he "criticized court procedure," probably the last straw.)  "They should not have dismissed me for what I believed," Floro told reporters after filing his appeal.

According to the court, it did not dismiss him for what he believed, it dismissed him for believing something that was nutty.  A court-appointed expert found that Floro was suffering from psychosis and the court agreed, partly because of the above and also because of new revelations about the role of the "mystic dwarfs."  Of which there were three, named "Armand," "Luis" and "Angel."  Their end of the covenant was apparently to help Floro conduct his healing sessions, because as you know faith healing is way more difficult without a mystic dwarf or two around.

Experts predict that Floro's appeal will be granted never.

Link: Reuters.com.

French Invasion of Florida Foiled by Authorities

Sirens wailed as agents from the Border Patrol, U.S. Customs and the FBI converged on an airport in Key West on Wednesday, ready to repel invaders.

The French had returned.  Specifically, two French people, Alexis Peltier and Yves Stindel, who have been flying around the world in a homemade ultralight plane, because . . . well, I don't know.  Peltier is the founder of an environmental group called "Wings for Earth," but this did not appear to be part of anything connected with the group.  They're just flying around.  That's actually what they told the FBI: "We were just flying from Chile to Africa.  It's a long story," said Peltier, before agents "whisked him away for questioning."

Remember the guy who was rowing across the Atlantic Ocean, and then got into trouble two hundred miles short of the other side and called his mommy for help on his cell phone?  He was French, too.

A Customs spokeswoman stated that "there was never any threat and there was no attempt to avoid detection," which I guess is why Border Patrol, Customs and FBI all converged on the airport, sirens wailing.  The report speculated that "U.S. authorities tend to react quickly to unidentified aircraft coming from Cuba."

Link: Reuters.com

UPDATE: Spankee Awarded $1.7 Million; Will Appear on "Oprah"

An update to last week's story on the employee who sued after being spanked during "camaraderie-bulding exercises" at a Fresno company -- the jury awarded her $500,000 in actual damages and another $1.2 million in punitives.  The plaintiff, Janet Orlando, said today that she would be appearing on "Oprah," "Good Morning America," and an unidentified "late-night talk show" in the next few weeks, to tell her story.

$1.7 million.  I wish somebody around here would spank me.

Link: AP via My Way News

Supremes Rule in Favor of Anna Nicole

The Supreme Court today handed down the biggest legal win ever for a Playmate, reversing the Ninth Circuit's decision in Marshall v. Marshall, which had cost Vickie Lynn Marshall, a.k.a. Anna Nicole Smith, several hundred million dollars.

The previous biggest win involved a custody dispute over a Chihuahua called "Mr. Pooky."

The opinion itself is fairly dry, dealing as it does with the "probate exception" to federal jurisdiction.  The Court unanimously held that the Ninth Circuit had wrongly applied the exception and reversed the judgment.

There were a couple of decent quotes.  Justice Ginsburg (who wrote the majority opinion) criticized the probate exception as something "stemming in large measure from misty understandings of English legal history," although the ruling does not eliminate it.  Concurring, Justice Stevens agreed with the result but said he would put the doctrine out of its misery entirely: "Rather than preserving whatever vitality that the "exception" has retained . . . I would provide the creature with a decent burial in a grave adjacent to the resting place of the Rooker-Feldman doctrine," which he would also execute if he had the chance.

Oh, Rooker-Feldman doctrine, how quickly they forget.  All the wonderful times we had together . . . [sniff].

Link: Opinion on Findlaw.com