Lowering the Bar

Malaysian Police Round Up Midget Gang

Police in Malaysia have finally captured the "Midget Gang," a group of eight tiny bandits who had committed a string of burglaries over at least the past three months in the central Ampang district.  According to the original report in the Star newspaper, the gang members have confessed to the crimes, and said that the advantage of being very small criminals is that they can more easily squeeze through small openings in order to get into a building and burgle it.

The Star reported that all the gang members are "diminutive," though it did not make clear whether all of them actually have a dwarfing condition such as, for example, achondroplasia, spondyloepiphyseal dysplasia congenita, diastrophic dysplasia, pseudoachondroplasia, hypochondroplasia, or osteogenesis imperfecta, or whether they are all just short.  (Please note that the term "Midget Gang" appears in the original report; as I have frequently noted, the term "midget," which once referred to a dwarf whose limbs were all proportionate, is now generally considered offensive.  According to the Little People of America, "dwarf" is the preferred generic term, although as they note you should just learn the little person's name and use that.)

I also want to call your attention to the fact that the LPA's blog, Dwarfblog, refers to a recent Spanish theater festival that featured a cast of little people in a production of Ibsen's The Dollhouse.

Where was I?

Oh.  The octet of diminutive Malaysians is accused of at least 14 burglaries over the last three months.  They were arrested after residents in a local housing area noticed a group of small people "loitering suspiciously" in a field nearby, and (apparently being aware of the Midget Gang's crime spree) notified police.

Link:  AP via Yahoo! News

Jury Rejects Teacher's Claim of Anti-Witch Discrimination

The AP reported this week that a New York jury rejected a claim by teacher Lauren Berrios against a school district for wrongful termination.  Berrios sought $2 million in damages based on her claim that she was fired for being a witch, an allegation she denies.

Actually, the article only says that she "denied ever practicing witchcraft," which is not quite the same thing.  She could have taken all the classes and even passed the exam, but then chosen not to practice.  This happens with lawyers all the time and I don't see why witches should be any different.

Berrios sued the Hampton Bay school district in 2001, alleging that her school's principal, a born-again Christian, had fired her after deciding (for reasons the article did not disclose) that Berrios was a witch.  The district argued that Berrios was not fired due to suspected witch status, but rather because she did not get along with co-workers and had (the AP's verb choice) "conjured" up false stories.  For example, defense attorney Steven Stern told jurors, Berrios fabricated tales that her husband had been involved in a plane crash, and that her two-year-old son had "lost his fingers in a VCR accident."  The report did not explain why Berrios allegedly fabricated these tales, or how one might lose all ten fingers in even the worst VCR accident.

Link: AP via FindLaw.com

Penguin Sought in Connection With Child Taunting

The Kansas City Star reported yesterday that authorities in the suburb of Gardner, Kansas, were investigating reports that a man showed up at an elementary-school basketball game and disrupted it by insulting the children.  He also scuffled with coaches and parents.  A city administrator was quoted as saying the event involved someone being overly aggressive and loud, and that officials were conducting interviews to determine exactly what had happened.

Among their questions may be "why the man chose to dress in a penguin suit," which the Star said was not known at press time.

Based only on the color scheme, it may have something to do with the fact that the man was a former referee for the city's youth-basketball league, who was banned from working fifth- and sixth-grade games after complaints that he let the games get too rough.  Apparently, the penguin's insults were directed at the team who had complained about him.  He was not identified in the report, but witnesses have said that they recognized the former referee when he made the poor decision to remove the head of his penguin suit.  This may have increased the effectiveness of his taunting, but it disclosed his identity.  On the other hand, you have to admire a man who will do whatever it takes to make a sixth-grader cry.

As of yesterday, the city was investigating but had not suspended the man, asked him to turn in his penguin suit, or taken any other action.

Link: Kansas City Star

China Says Its Courts Will Be More Cautious With Death Penalty

In a joint statement released on Sunday, the top legal bodies of the People's Republic of China have declared that the country should "gradually reduce" the number of executions it carries out, and should be a little more careful in deciding who gets whacked.

The additional caution might just make a difference, given that, according to Amnesty International, China executed at least 1,770 people in 2005 -- 80 percent of all the known executions in the world that year -- and the real number may be as high as 10,000.  While I have my calculator out, the higher number would mean one less alleged felon every 52 minutes, during which time another 692 new Chinese would be born, plus another one just over halfway out, and now it is time to put my calculator away.

This new concern for civil rights comes after a series of high-profile cases that have somewhat embarrassed the regime, which may or may not have anything to do with the upcoming Olympics.  In one famous case, a man was convicted of killing a woman in the 1980s in Hunan province after he allegedly confessed to the murder, and was executed.  She inconveniently showed up in 2005, unmurdered.

Hence, an increased concern in China today about executions -- at least to some degree.  "Our country still cannot abolish the death penalty," the statement said, although the day when it can is probably just around the corner, "but should gradually reduce its application."  For example, it continued, "where there is a possibility someone should not be executed, then without exception the person should not be killed."  That ought to have Amnesty International breaking out the noisemakers.

In two other radical changes, the authorities also suggested that, in the future, suspects should not be tortured into making confessions, and condemned prisoners should not be paraded through the streets before being executed.  That last one should come as a relief, since parades can get exhausting when you have to have one every 52 minutes.

Link: AP via FindLaw.com

Politician's Website Reaches Out to Klingons

A member of Finland's parliament who is running for re-election is reaching out to Klingons, and Earthlings who love them, by providing a translation of his campaign website into Klingon.

Jyrki Kasvi (his Finnish name, not a translation), a Green Party politician who is described as an "ardent Trekkie," said there were some difficulties with the translation.  Among these were the fact that Klingon, a warrior language, does not have words for wussy liberal concepts such as, for example, "tolerance," which might not be a problem in some cases but is a little dicey for a Green Party candidate.  (Also posing a problem: the lack of any word for "green.")

That tension between liberal and Klingon values may be a continuing problem.  Kasvi's political statement states that he is a "hopeless romantic" devoted to equality, pluralism, and democracy, and says "I strongly trust in love."  As "Brian in Kansas" commented on Kasvi's website, "Dude -- you are entirely too sensitive to be a KLINGON.  Where's the old 'Any day is a good day to die' attitude?  let's go choke a targ for fun!"  Much more sedate, and less hateful to targs, was "Daniel" from Wollongong, Australia:  "I would like to offer you the best wishes in your political aspirations of my friends and I from Wollongong, Australia. We are impressed by your ethical stances on environmental and social issues, and also by the fact that you have translated your website into a alien dialect."  Dude -- you are entirely too humorless to be an Australian.  And don't you guys speak English there?

The last straw, though, for a Klingon, would be Kasvi's concern about "global warming."  Please.  Let the Vulcans make their documentaries.  This prattle is unworthy of a warrior race.

Kasvi clearly has a sense of humor about the whole thing, and says the website has generated a great deal of publicity (his server apparently crashed yesterday, although that could have been a Federation trick), as well as comments both pro and con.  "Some have thought it is blasphemy to mix politics and Klingon," he said.  "Others say it is good if politicians can laugh at themselves."

The site has also been translated into English and Swedish, and of course there is plenty of the original Finnish, which to the untrained eye looks only slightly less freaky than Klingon.

Link:  Reuters via Yahoo! News
Link:  qaSvl' ngoch cherwl'

High School Dispute-Resolution Exercise Solves Major World Problems

The Daily Journal legal newspaper reported last week on a 10th-grade history class exercise that put students in the roles of Benjamin Franklin and Britain's Frederick North at the time of the American Revolution.  Amazingly, it appears that by applying simple alternative-dispute-resolution techniques, the students were able to easily avert one of the major conflicts of world history.  The setting was a hypothetical trip by Franklin to Britain for negotiations.  Here's how simple it apparently was:

North:  Welcome to Britain.  I hope we can work together to try to meet the interests of both sides.

Franklin:  Thank you.  As a British-American colony, we have a problem with the heavy taxing the British government has been placing on us as of late.

North:  You need to understand, we must pay off our war debts.

Franklin: I understand that war is very costly, but the concern we have is, if you are going to tax us, at least we should get some representation in the British government.  Also, having your troops here is an invasion of our privacy.  We have to feed and clothe them, and our economy is suffering.

Of course, here's how that meeting really would have gone:

North:  Welcome to Britain.  You are under arrest.

But maybe that's just my cynicism talking.  The teenagers were able to resolve all of the parties' disputes and to do it before class let out for the day, and they were shaking hands by the end of the day instead of shooting up the lunchroom, so maybe there is something to this alternative-dispute-resolution business.  Maybe we should send these 10th-graders over to work things out between the Sunnis and Shiites.  Can't do any harm at this point.

(Daily Journal, Friday, Mar. 9, 2007.)

Turkish Court Lifts Ban on YouTube For Insulting Kemal Ataturk

Turkish officials reported today that a court had lifted its two-day-old ban on YouTube, a ban it had imposed Wednesday because of concerns over videos posted there that allegedly were insulting to Mustafa Kemal Ataturk.

So for those of you out there putting the finishing touches on your anti-Ataturk video, today is your lucky day.

It is illegal in Turkey to insult Mustafa Kemal Ataturk, even though he has been dead since 1938.  Mustafa Kemal was a war hero, the founder of modern Turkey, and its first president.  His influence on the country was so profound that he was given the name "Ataturk" in 1934, which means "Father of the Turks," even though the Turks had been around for thousands of years.

Here he is wearing a hat.

Ataturk (L) and some other Turk (R).

They take him very seriously in Turkey, but don't like him much in Greece, partly due to a war between Turkey and Greece in the early 1920s.  Turkey won, but Greeks appear to be getting some revenge by making fun of Ataturk on YouTube.  Turkish media said that a "virtual war" had broken out, with Turks and Greeks both posting videos mocking each other.  The last straw was a video that allegedly questioned the sexuality of Ataturk and "the Turkish people."  That got the plug pulled on Wednesday.

The ban was lifted today.  The court's reasoning was not given, though it had previously said it would lift the ban as soon as the videos insulting Ataturk were removed.

Link: AP via FindLaw.com
Link: New York Times

Man Asks Police for Help With Break-In

An unidentified man in Stevens Point, Wisconsin, called police earlier this week and asked for help breaking into a church.  They were happy to come over, but didn't help him with the break-in.  The man told police that he had hoped to get married in the church (to whom, or what, he didn't say), and that's why he was trying to smash the front door open with a shovel.  (Maybe his girlfriend had locked herself inside.)

Officers searched the man and found marijuana.  Still wanting to be helpful, or friendly, or something, the man then invited the officers to his home, where he said he had some more marijuana and a bunch of stolen prescription drugs.  He did.

"There aren't many arrests like that," said Chief Morris of the Stevens Point police.  Actually, there are more than you think.

Link: AP via FindLaw.com

Libel Suit Against Food Critic Alleges Steak Sandwich Misclassified

Adam Liptak of the New York Times writes today (March 7) about restaurants filing libel lawsuits against food critics.  The lawsuits are not uncommon, although, as Liptak writes, they are virtually never successful.

The most recent example is a new lawsuit against Craig LaBan of the Philadelphia Inquirer, alleging that LaBan's description of the strip steak at Chops restaurant as "miserably tough and fatty" constituted libel.  Chops doesn't challenge that description, but argues that the item being reviewed was not a "strip steak" at all, but rather a "steak sandwich without bread."  This is a different cut of meat, Chops argues, and says LaBan therefore should not have compared it to a strip steak and that he doesn't even know what the strip steak at Chops tastes like.  Or in legal terms, LaBan "had, and has, no personal knowledge of the quality of the Chops strip steak."

Okay -- but he may well have personal knowledge, apparently, that a Chops steak sandwich without bread is miserably tough and fatty.  (His words, not mine.)

Liptak writes that there are numerous examples, at least in American courts, of rulings that even harshly worded reviews are protected opinion.  Some good ones:

• "The fish on the Key West platter tasted like old ski boots."  Ruled obvious hyperbole and not an actual comparison of fish to old ski boots the reviewer had once eaten.
• "Bring a can of Raid if you plan to eat here."  Ruled to be protected "techniques of humor and ridicule."
• Description of a seafood dish as "Trout a la green plague."  The court: "An ordinarily informed person would not infer that these entrees were actually carriers of communicable diseases."

The article also quotes a legendary review by Matthew Norman of the London Sunday Telegraph Magazine, in 2004, of the London restaurant Shepherds.  His review described Shepherds as "among the very worst restaurants in Christendom," serving "meals of crescendoing monstrosity."  It appears to be one of the few restaurant reviews to compare a dish (the crab and brandy soup) to WMD: "Were it found today in a canister buried in the Iraqi desert," Norman wrote, "it would save Tony Blair's skin."  And for dessert -- the yellowcake?

Werewolf Charged With Disorderly Conduct

Robert Marsh was arrested last week in Wisconsin and charged with several offenses stemming from an incident early Thursday morning in which he broke down a woman's door and grabbed her.  Two other men in the home stopped Marsh, who the woman said had been living with them temporarily because he had no other place to go, having been released from prison a few days before.

Luckily for them, Thursday was March 1, two days before the full moon.  Otherwise they might not have been able to subdue Marsh, who informed police that he is a werewolf.  He claimed to be able to change forms (which of course all werewolves can) and to be involved in a "witch religion."  These claims are evidently still being investigated, but police were able to confirm almost right away that Marsh had been drinking heavily (also common among werewolves while in human form).  He also had a "small amount" of marijuana with him.

Whether it was the absence of a full moon or the belated triumph of his long-repressed humanity, Marsh did not change shapes, attempt to escape, or eat anyone.  He is therefore scheduled to appear in human form at a court hearing on March 14.

Link: AP via Yahoo! News.