Lowering the Bar

Long-Distance Relationship Made Easier by Multiple Car Thefts

Love conquers all, or at least the ignition systems of older Toyota Camrys and Nissan Sentras.

Police in Los Angeles say that Antonio Moreno of Inglewood, desperate to see his girlfriend in Santa Barbara and without a car of his own, would borrow other people's cars to make the trip.  He specialized in the type of borrowing that does not require a return, and borrowed Camrys and Sentras with the help of a "simple device that starts Japanese cars of a certain age."  Moreno made at least thirteen trips to see his girlfriend, which we know because he stole 26 cars to do it.  Police said some cars were stolen in Inglewood and abandoned in Santa Barbara, while some were stolen in Santa Barbara for the return trip.  Moreno was "stealing vehicles to pursue their relationship," a police spokeman said.

But as always, the sacrifices you make for the sake of love turn out to be well worth it.  According to the article, Moreno's girlfriend "told authorities she had been trying to dump him" anyway.

Link: SignOnSanDiego.com

Youthful Terrorist Apprehended

I have obtained from Slate Magazine's "Hot Documents" file a copy of this police report, which recounts the details of a difficult arrest in Highlands County, Florida, in March.  An excerpt:

When I approached [the perpetrator] she crawled under the table, at which I had to crawl and get her and she began to try to pull her legs away to get away from me.  When I finally got her clear she began to pull and try to run away from me. . . . I placed her in handcuffs to keep her from hitting and she still kept trying to get away.  Upon placing her into the back of the police vehicle she kept unbuckling and trying to get out by placing her foot in the doorway to prevent it from closing. . . . She was transported to the Highlands County Jail.

The perpetrator was charged with battery and resisting arrest.  In her defense, the perp's attorney is expected to argue that the client's behavior is understandable, since she is only six.

Police had been called to Avon Elementary School to subdue Desre'e Watson, a kindergarten student who had been acting up that morning, would not calm down, and allegedly had kicked a teacher with all the deadly force that a 50-pound six-year-old can muster.  This led to Sgt. Neale's dramatic sub-table arrest of the "perpetrator" (that's how she's described in the police report).  The perp may have been taken to jail only because her parents weren't reachable, but that still doesn't explain why they booked a six-year-old and charged her with felony battery.

Link: Slate Magazine

Lawyer Seeking $65 Million for Pants-Related Fraud

Marc Fisher wrote in the Washington Post on Thursday about a titanic legal dispute that is unfolding in our nation's capitol, where an attorney (who I will refer to here only as "Attorney" for various reasons) has been battling with a local cleaners ("Cleaners") for years now over some pants ("Pants").

It seems that in 2002, Attorney asked Cleaners to clean Pants.  Cleaners lost Pants, later admitting its error and compensating Attorney with a check for $150.  (Apparently these were high-quality Attorney Pants.)  But the dispute seems to have been acrimonious, because Cleaners told Attorney he was no longer welcome there, although this was resolved in some fashion that caused Attorney to continue to use Cleaners.

But the Pants Dispute was almost certainly still in Attorney's mind when the next Pants issue arose in 2005.  Attorney had a new job that required him to wear suits every day, so that he needed five times as many Attorney Pants ready to wear.  Attorney also found that his existing Attorney Pants had somehow become "uncomfortably tight."  Attorney returned to Cleaners with Pants on May 3, 2007 (it is unclear whether these were the same Pants, so I will refer to these as "Second Pants"), and asked Cleaners to let the waist of Second Pants out two or three inches so that he could wear them on May 6.  But Second Pants were not ready that morning.  Indeed, said pants were nowhere to be found.  Anger followed.

Have you seen these pants?

One week later, Cleaners found a pair of pants that it believed to be Second Pants.  But Attorney said Second Pants had pinstripes, whereas these ("Third Pants") were gray.  Anger increasing, Attorney pointed to representations that Cleaners made in signs posted on the premises, including "Satisfaction Guaranteed," and "Same Day Service."  Eventually, he sued, claiming the broken sign promises constituted fraud.

This has been going on for two years now, and Attorney's settlement demands have continued to escalate, along with Cleaners' attorney fees.  Originally, he demanded $1,150 for a new suit.  This was apparently rejected, but as legal bills continued to mount, Cleaners offered $3,000, then $4,600, and eventually $12,000, enough for ten new suits even at Attorney prices.  But this is no longer enough for Attorney.

Attorney now seeks damages including litigation costs, the value of the time he has had to spend on the litigation, the value of "mental suffering, inconvenience and discomfort," and the costs of leasing a car each weekend for the last ten years (the report did not explain that one).  Also, because Attorney is suing under the District's handy Consumer Protection Act, he also claims damages under that law's provision that imposes damages of $1,500 per violation (Attorney claims 12 "violations"), per defendant (three members of the family who run Cleaners), per day (1,200 -- probably the limitations period of the CPA).  Total damages claimed?  $65,462,500.

Oh, also some new pants.

And that's just for Attorney's own claim.  Although the case is somehow going to trial in June, a D.C. judge did at least reject Attorney's attempt to turn the case into an action on behalf of the general public (all D.C. residents).  This is a common feature of consumer-protection statutes, and while it may be beneficial in some cases it also is susceptible to abuse, which is why you get someone claiming with a straight face to be representing all members of the public in a case that is based on a pair of pants.  In rejecting that claim, the judge said that "the breathtaking magnitude of the expansion" Attorney sought had caused the court "significant concerns that the plaintiff is acting in bad faith."  "Significant concerns" -- really?  Let's not rush to judgment, your Honor.

Meanwhile, it is entirely possible that the whole dispute, which you will recall began over the alleged loss of Second Pants, is completely unnecessary.  Cleaners' attorney told the Post that he has a perfectly good pair of gray wool pants hanging in his closet, bearing a tag that he says matches Attorney's receipt.  "We believe the pants are his," he said.  Whether the mysterious pants are in fact Attorney's pants will apparently be fought out in the arena of D.C. Superior Court sometime this summer.

Link: Washingtonpost.com
Link: Video report from local news

Indian Warrant for American Gigolo

A court in Jaipur, India, has ordered the arrest of Richard Gere for kissing actress Shilpa Shetty at an event in New Delhi that was intended to promote AIDS awareness.  Mostly, it has ended up promoting the facts that India has goofy obscenity laws and that a lawyer somewhere in Jaipur has some time on his hands.

Gere's embrace and kiss of Shetty on the cheek (of her face) may have been disturbingly odd, but there was nothing "obscene" about it, at least by American standards.  But protests broke out almost immediately after the scene became public.  Groups of men, described as being mostly "Hindu vigilante groups," burned Gere and Shetty in effigy, because people will pay attention to you if you set things on fire.  A number of complaints were also filed, and one of these led to the order by a judge in Jaipur, who apparently found Gere guilty of violating public obscenity laws based on a videotape of the event.

Shetty said the kiss may have gone a "little overboard" but that it was not obscene and the protests were not helping India's image.  She claimed that Gere was only re-enacting his moves from a movie Gere has apparently starred in called "Shall We Dance."  According to the report, Shetty said that Gere was just trying to entertain the audience and to "communicate in a Bollywood style as he did not speak Hindi."

Gere could be fined for the kiss or could be sentenced to up to three months in jail, if he is successfully arrested.  Gere did not stick around after his public cheek-raping of Shetty, but the warrant may put a damper on his apparently frequent trips to India to meet with the Dalai Lama, who lives in exile there.  The Lama, who could probably use a little Gere-free alone time anyway, could not be reached for comment.

Link: Reuters

Bar Complaint Charges Judge and Prosecutor With Repeated "Ethical Lapses," If You Know What I Mean

The article did not mention the phrase "conflict of interest," but it probably is one if a judge is having an affair with a prosecutor, especially if she also appears before that judge with her clothes on.

A judge in Douglas County, Colorado, has resigned after being accused of having an affair with a prosecutor that seems to have lasted about six months and included numerous in camera hearings.  (Veteran readers will know where to put the air quotes in that sentence.  One has also filed a motion asking me to create a joke using the word "debriefing," and I have taken that under advisement.)  The prosecutor also prosecuted at least two cases before the same judge without disclosing the relationship.  It was later disclosed, likely with a vengeance, by the judge's wife when she learned about the matter in December.

The disciplinary complaint could result in punishment up to and including disbarment, for, as the complaint puts it, "degrad[ing] the sanctity of the courtroom" on numerous occasions.

Link: Rocky Mountain News

Terrorism Charge Against 15-Year-Old Blamed on Daylight Savings Time

Cody Webb, a student at Hempfield High School in Pennsylvania, was arrested in March after authorities said a phoned-in bomb threat had been traced to the Webb number.  Cody was summoned to the principal's office and then escorted out of the building in front of his friends.  He spent nearly two weeks in juvenile detention, and criminal charges were filed.

But then they were unfiled, after Cody's heroic attorney, Tim Andrews, pointed out that the times of the calls actually did not match because the school had forgotten about daylight savings time.

Daylight savings time, according to Wikipedia, was thought up by Ben Franklin in 1784 as a joke, but was eventually taken seriously and forced upon the rest of the world by members of the golfing cult, who insist on getting up as early as possible to hit a ball around a field with a stick.  The non-golfing benefits of DST are debatable and most of the world does not bother with it.

Areas In Thrall to the Golfing Oligarchy
(Blue = Enslaved; Red = Free; Orange = No Good Courses Anyway)

DST was abolished in Kazakhstan in 2005, apparently based on a variety of "health concerns," and there must have been something to that because its president was then reelected with 92 percent of the vote, and anyone who's been elected president of a country must know what he's doing.  On the other hand, he is a criminal, and this is a country that did not figure out for quite some time that Borat was kidding.

Among the drawbacks of DST is the need to remember about it, which is what tripped up the Hempfield authorities.  Webb had admitted he called in, but said he had called the school's hotline to find out whether bad weather would force classes to be cancelled.  When authorities re-checked the call log, they confirmed that Webb's call was almost exactly one hour before the threatening call came in.

The assistant DA on the case said he moved to dismiss the charges as soon as the mistake was found, by which time Cody had been sitting in jail for twelve days.  Police said that in light of this new evidence, they were "investigating another possible origin of the call," presumably someone who actually made it.  Cody, looking appropriately sullen in the video at the link below, said he felt "betrayed" by the school.  "At this point," he continued, "I don't think I'll ever go back there at all."  Probably, he has.

Link: WTAE Pittsburgh
Link: Pittsburgh Tribune-Review

IBS Added to List of Outstanding Criminal Defenses

IBS, of course, as criminal defense attorneys out there may or may not know, stands for Irritable Bowel Syndrome.  Helen Gallo asserted this defense last week in Clearwater, Florida, after she was arrested for shoplifting from a grocery store.  Gallo reportedly told authorities that she was unable to wait in line at the store because she has IBS. 

IBS may well cause one who suffers from it to leave someplace very quickly, but I haven't been able to find any medical evidence yet that it forces you to take other people's belongings with you when you go.

According to the Associated Press, Gallo, who is free on bail, did not return calls asking for comment on the story, and "it was not known if she had an attorney."  When and if she gets one, I sure hope he sticks with the IBS Defense.

Link: CourtTVnews.com

Class Members Sought for Anti-Shark Litigation

This helpful update appeared in today's "Legal Headlines" email from FindLaw:

PERSONAL INJURY

Boy, 12, Bitten By Shark Off Fla. Coast

Well, that is a "personal injury," no doubt about it.  I'm just not sure what the legal ramifications are, or who Boy's family will be able to sue for this.  Some ideas:

    1. Shark.
        Pro: did it.
        Con: long gone by now, no deep pockets (no pockets at all, in fact).

     2. Lifeguard.
        Pro: can be found, might possibly have been negligent in some way.
        Con: pockets not much deeper than shark's.

     3. Energy industry.
         Pro: can be found, has deep pockets, contributes to global warming that caused Boy to enter ocean seeking relief, Al Gore available as expert witness.
         Con: Al Gore available as expert witness.

     4. Captain Quint.
         Pro: Not very likeable; negligent actions off Long Island rendered boat and crew unable to catch further sharks, making injury to Boy more likely.
         Con: was eaten.

     5. Toy manufacturers.
         Pro: wholly non-threatening and toothless shark-like stuffed animals and pool toys led Boy to believe sharks were not dangerous; should have carried label that warned of enhanced danger from real sharks in real ocean.
         Con: is dumb, but no dumber than a lot of other cases out there.

I think the nation's toy makers should get ready for an expensive class action.

Link: AP via FindLaw.com

Hong Kong Tycoon Leaves Everything to Feng Shui Master

And you thought feng shui was just a charade.  Nina Wang didn't, and she was the richest woman in Asia, and the 154th richest person in the world, according to Forbes Magazine.  Wang, who died earlier this month, was appropriately eccentric -- she was nicknamed "Little Sweetie" because she wore pigtails, mini-skirts and had a "giggly persona" though she was almost 70 years old.  She also claimed to spend only $380 a month and liked to show her bargain buys to the media.

Wang had no children, and had reportedly drafted a will in 2002 that left most of her billions to charity.  But her lawyer published a notice today saying that the estate would not be going to charity, but instead all of it would go to a Mr. Chan Chun-chuen.  According to Reuters, "Little is known about Chan, whom the local media has reported as Wang's feng shui master or fortune teller and who once studied medicine in Canada."  Feng shui, as you know, is the ancient Chinese art of arranging furniture in such a way that it will confuse the elderly into giving you billions of dollars.

Wang's lawyer was scheduled to hold a press conference later today that may clarify why Wang left all of her money to a relative stranger instead of her family.  Not surprisingly, the family's application disputing the will has already been filed.  I have a mental picture of the family's attorney reading the notice in the paper and then blasting off to court so fast that, like in a cartoon, the paper -- and possibly even his suit -- is left fluttering in the air behind him.

A lot of my mental pictures are cartoon-like.

Link: Yahoo! News

Nice One, Einstein

The latest article of Newsweek has an interesting review of a new bio of Albert Einstein, who besides inventing special and general relativity, providing proof of the existence of atoms, providing the foundation for quantum mechanics, and thinking up that E=MC² thing -- all of which he did while he was just sitting around bored at the patent office -- also tried to come up with a legal framework that would lead to greater harmony in his domestic life:

Einstein's relations with his first wife, Mileva, degenerated so badly that in 1914 he demanded she sign a contract promising to deliver three meals to his room daily, renounce "all personal relations with me insofar as they are not completely necessary for social reasons" and "stop talking to me if I request it."

He never totally understood quantum physics, either.

Newsweek, Apr. 16, 2007, at p. 100.