Lowering the Bar

"Follow the Chicken"

Q:  Do you have a separate business that you have
     incorporated . . . or is this something you do
     just in your own name?

A.  Sir, I had a vision back when I was a child that
     nobody else in this world could recognize but myself.

     I know where Osama bin Laden is today.
     I know the cure for SARS today.  I know many, many
     things in this world that other people don't recognize
     and don't understand and don't know.

     Simply because I follow the chicken.

From a classic deposition transcript that I'm surprised to see I haven't posted yet.  To learn more about following the chicken, follow the link.

Link: Pittman v. Dykes Timber Co. (Simpson County, Miss., May 28, 2003) (transcript excerpt)

Trekkie Sues Auction House Claiming Trek Prop Is Fake

The Associated Press reported Friday that a Star Trek fan who paid $6,000 for what he believed to be a poker visor worn by the android "Data" on "Star Trek: The Next Generation" is now suing, claiming it is a fake.  Ted Moustakis of Towaco, New Jersey, filed suit in New York state court against Christie's auction house, demanding a refund for the visor as well as a table ($6,600) and uniform ($11,400) that he bought in the same auction.

Surprisingly, Moustakis is also demanding millions in punitive damages.

Moustakis claims that he brought the visor to a Star Trek convention in August to have it autographed by Brent Spiner, who played Data in the TV show.  Spiner allegedly then told Moustakis that the visor could not be the real thing because he (Spiner) had sold the real one years ago.  Moustakis said he felt "humiliated" after the android's revelation and that the pride he felt for getting such a "great piece of memorabilia" was dissipated.

Upon close examination, Moustakis said, the table and uniform did not seem authentic to him, either.

In a post reprinted on the excellent stupid-news blog SNAFU-ed, Wil Wheaton (who played "Wesley Crusher" on the show), said that Moustakis's story did not ring true in some ways based on his experience in the show (such as the fact that they did not have "one-of-a-kind" costumes as Moustakis apparently alleges).  In another post, "James Tiberius Kirk" comments that, if Moustakis has $24,000 to spend on Star Trek props, maybe he can afford to go ahead and move out of his mom's basement.

Link: International Herald Tribune
Link: SNAFU-ed

Egypt Says It Will Copyright Pyramids

The head of Egypt's Supreme Council of Antiquities told reporters on December 25 that the country's parliament would likely pass a law requiring anyone who reproduces one of its famous monuments to pay royalties.  Zahi Hawass said that the law was necessary to help pay for maintenance.  "If the law is passed," he said, "then it will be applied in all countries of the world so that we can protect our interests."

I'm not so sure about that last part.

The most problematic issue would probably be the treatment of the Pyramids themselves.  Under U.S. copyright law, at least, the design of a building can be copyrighted, but only if it was created on or after December 1, 1990.  Experts disagree on the exact completion date of the various pyramids, but it seems fair to say that this exception won't help.  Even if it did, there is still the problem that the design of a pyramid involves making it shaped like -- well, like a pyramid, and I don't think you can copyright a geometric shape, either.  (If you can, let me know, because I'm going to claim "circle.")

Possibly aware of these problems, the Egyptians have said that only "exact copies" of their monuments would be covered by the law.  That ruins my plan to build an "exact copy" of the Great Pyramid of Khufu in my backyard, which will really bum out the guys at Home Depot, but it does let the Luxor Hotel in Las Vegas off the hook.  Hawass was specifically asked about the Luxor on Tuesday and he said it would not be covered because it is "not an exact copy of pharonic monuments despite the fact it's in the shape of a pyramid."

In fact, the Luxor's website claims that the hotel is "the only pyramid shaped building in the world" (emphasis added), although that appears to be a false statement.  It would be true to say that it is "the only pyramid shaped building in the world in which Carrot Top performs six nights a week."  So that might be a solution to any possible consumer confusion between the Luxor and the Great Pyramid -- the Great Pyramid is the one without Carrot Top in it.

Link: AFP (December 25, 2007)

Another Football-Related Trial Continuance Granted

Last season, a judge agreed to continue a trial date after counsel pointed out that the date would impair the parties' ability to watch the New Orleans Saints play for the NFC championship.  Now a judge in Baton Rouge has granted a similar motion, this time based on a college bowl game.

Specifically, the national championship game, to be played this year in the Superdome between LSU and Ohio State.  Steven Babcock, who is defending an insurance company in the lawsuit, and who has tickets to the game, moved to continue the trial's start date because of the conflict.  The motion was unopposed.

"All counsel to this matter unequivocally agree that the presence of LSU in the aforementioned contest of pigskin skill unquestionably constitutes good grounds [for the continuance]," Babcock stated in his motion.  This unequivocal agreement may have been in part because plaintiff's counsel also have tickets to the game.

"We might disagree on the merits of the case," Babcock told reporters, "but everyone was in agreement on this, for sure."

Babcock said he didn't know if the judge who granted the motion, Judge Alvin Batiste of West Baton Rouge Parish, was an LSU fan.  "[M]ost people around here are," though, he said.  Even if he isn't, it seems unlikely there are many Ohio State fans in the area.

Link: CBS News
Link: Motion to Continue (and order granting same)

Gang of Drunken Santas Attack Theater

Witnesses estimated the crowd of drunken Santas numbered about 50, and said that they rushed in through the front door of Hoyts Cinema in Christchurch, New Zealand, and began ripping down movie posters and smashing things.

"They were all dressed as Santa and shouting 'Ho f___ing ho'," said Kate Gorman, who was waiting to see the film "Enchanted" with her two young children when the Kringle onslaught began.  Gorman said her children were confused by the event.  "They asked me, 'Are they Santa's helpers gone crazy?' and I said 'No, they are just idiots.'"

Police were called to the scene but the Santas had already fled.  Theater manager Derek Rive called the attackers "hooligans."  "How often do a bunch of Santas just go and wreak havoc?" he asked.

More often than you might think.  For example, in one incident that I reported on in 2005, another group of drunken Kiwi Santas went rampaging through Auckland.  Some threw beer bottles, others reportedly robbed a convenience store, and one climbed the mooring line of a cruise ship.  The New Zealand groups do not appear to be affiliated with the main Santarchy movement, which says that it is a peaceful organization that exists only to have fun and spread holiday cheer.

Link: Stuff.co.nz
Link: Santarchy.com

Warrant Issued for Formerly Naked SF Mayoral Candidate

San Francisco's slate of mayoral candidates is frequently very colorful (including perennial candidate "Starchild"), and only infrequently naked.  Even less frequently are candidates naked in public, although guitar-playing is common.

Sources reported on December 21 that a warrant had been issued for the arrest of Grasshopper Alec Kaplan, a candidate in the most recent election.  Grasshopper failed to appear to answer charges that he had played his guitar in the nude while sitting on top of his van outside the San Mateo County Events Center.  Grasshopper was in San Mateo on October 21 for the county's Democratic presidential straw poll.

According to a San Mateo deputy district attorney, Grasshopper told police that "he was from San Francisco and that he was extremely hot and he just got naked.  He said that type of action is encouraged in San Francisco."  I can tell you that it is tolerated, depending on the circumstances, but is not encouraged.

He had a good explanation for failing to appear in court last week, as it turned out.  Grasshopper, who in addition to being a politician is a homeless taxi driver, was already in jail in San Francisco for charges of battery and false imprisonment of a passenger.  (That type of action is also not encouraged.)  He is serving a nine-month sentence for that and could get another six for the naked strumming.

Link: Inside Bay Area (Oakland Tribune)

ABA Demotes Gonzales from "Lawyer" to "Newsmaker" of the Year

On December 12, the ABA posted a statement on its website announcing that it had named former U.S Attorney General Alberto Gonzales as "Lawyer of the Year" for 2007.

Feedback was received.

Two days later, it posted another statement saying that its terminology had been misunderstood, and that "Lawyer of the Year" was not intended as an accolade but rather only to mean "the year's biggest legal newsmaker."  It noted that Time Magazine  has followed a similar policy and has occasionally faced a similar controversy.  (Bonus trivia points if you can name Time's "Dictators of the Year" for 1938 and 1939.)  The Journal regretted that it had not made its theme clear.  "We appreciate the feedback we've received," the statement said, "and we're acting on it."

Gonzales is now the "Newsmaker of the Year."  The story is (allegedly) otherwise unchanged.

The new rationale left many commenters still unhappy, noting that the title still sounded like an award and so headlines would likely give that impression.  "[B]y your standards, Michael Vick should be named 'Quarterback of the Year,'" said one comment posted on the ABA's website.

Runners-up for the position of Newsmaker [Who Happens to Be a Lawyer] of the Year included other controversial figures such as Michael Nifong, who prosecuted (for a while) the Duke University lacrosse players charged with rape.  Nifong really should be the Newsmaker [Who Used to Be a Lawyer] of the Year because he no longer has a license to practice law.  Also on the list, "Scooter Libby," Howard K. "Not Anna Nicole's Baby Daddy" Stern, and Marvelous Monica Goodling, among others.

Oddly, the ABA has already named the Newsmakers [Who Happen to Be Lawyers] of the Year for 2008, though no news has yet been made during that year.  The predicted winner: new U.S. Attorney General Michael Mukasey, who is indeed very likely to make a headline or two.  Still, seems like we could wait to name the biggest newsmaker of 2008 until after that person has actually made news in 2008.

Link: American Bar Association (the statement)
Link: ABA Journal (the newsmaker story itself)

Italian Court Renames Couple's Baby

A court in Genoa, Italy, has ordered that a 15-month-old boy be renamed "Gregory" after finding that the name his parents chose, "Friday," violated an administrative rule that precludes giving children "ridiculous or shameful" names.

The boy, who was born on a Friday, was baptized as "Friday" and was successfully registered under that name at the local city hall.  But a few months later a clerk at city hall apparently came across the name somehow, and took it upon himself or herself to bring it to the attention of the court.  It ruled this month that the name, which the parents had chosen and God seems to have ratified, was in fact "ridiculous."

Don't let your child end up kneeling in a woodcut

According to the court, "Friday" was a bad name because Italians traditionally consider Friday an unlucky day, and because the name might draw mocking comparisons to Robinson Crusoe's "man Friday" in the novel by Daniel Defoe.  The court described that Friday as Crusoe's "servile savage."  Saying that it believed it was protecting the child from a name that might, among other things, hinder him from developing "serene interpersonal relationships," it ordered the child to be re-registered.

I have also had problems developing serene interpersonal relationships, but I didn't have any idea my first name could have something to do with it.

After the decision, the boy's mother revealed the couple's disturbing motive for naming the boy in this manner: "We named him Friday because we like the sound of the name."  She seemed a little upset that the court had gotten involved.  "I am livid about this," she complained. "A court should not waste its time with things like this when there is so much more to worry about.  My son was born Friday, baptized Friday, will call himself Friday, we will call him Friday but when he gets older he will have to sign his name Gregory."

The court chose "Gregory" not just because it liked the sound of the name or some other pagan reason like that, but because the boy was born on the feast day of St. Gregory.  The report didn't give details, but I think this has to be St. Gregory the Great, the 64th Pope, who died in 604.  I can't be completely sure -- I looked this up on one of my favorite websites, the Catholic Forum's Patron Saints Index, which lists thirty-seven Gregorys in various stages of the saintifying process.  But this looks like the main Gregory, his feast day is in the right month, and he's the one who came up with the "Gregorian chants" so I want to give him credit for something anyway.

I love the Index because there appear to be patron saints for pretty much everything.  Some things have multiple patrons but some saints have to work more than one job.  Yes, there are patron saints for lawyers, the best-known being St. Thomas More, who is also a patron saint for politicians, civil servants, and the diocese of Pensacola-Tallahassee, Florida, among other things.  There is a patron saint for lawsuits, and another one for "lawsuits lost unjustly." 

Doesn't surprise me that they needed to assign someone separately to that last category.

Link: CBS News
Link: Law-related patron saints

Santa Groped

Once again, 'tis the season for Christmas-assault cases.  Most of these stories involve simple assault and battery upon (on sometimes by) Santa Claus, but this is the first such story I've come across in which someone touched his Kringle.

A woman in Danbury, Connecticut, has been charged with fourth-degree sexual assault and breach of the peace after Claus told police she had "touched him inappropriately" while sitting on his lap.  The report did not say much about the suspect but did say that she was quickly caught and easily identified because she was on crutches.  Police said that Claus, whose age was given as 65, was "shocked and embarrassed by the whole incident," especially because children were waiting to see him at the time.  The woman was arrested and has a post-Christmas court date.

Confusingly, the report quoted another "Claus," who is apparently not related to the victim but who runs a business called RealSantas.com (a.k.a. "The Kringle Group, LLC"), which pays hundreds of people, who clearly are not in fact real Santas, to publicly impersonate him.  This Claus, "Santa Tim" Claus, said he had never heard of such an incident although he said it was not at all unusual for adult women to get on Santa's lap.  "I've had some very nice ladies sit on my lap," said the purported Claus, which could mean different things depending on how he said it.  "Once in a while they'll say 'I hope Mrs. Claus isn't going to be upset,'" Claus continued.  "You have to be discreet and kind and say, 'Oh, no, she'll be okay.  You can sit here, but only for one photo!'"  Photos beyond the first must be taken in Santa's Winter Chalet!  The mall closes at 9!  Ho, ho, ho!

Disclaimer: to my knowledge no one affiliated with RealSantas.com has ever actually cheated on his Mrs. Claus.  The Kringle Group, L.L.C., notes that all of its Santas must pass a background check by a third-party agency, and are required to have an entertainers' liability insurance policy.  In this way, one can be sure that one's children are "safe in the hands of Santa."

How the lap of Santa will be kept safe is still an open question.

Link: WFSB.com (Hartford, CT)
Link: The Amalgamated Order of Real Bearded Santas

UPDATE: Snowball-Assault Case Dismissed "In Interest of Justice"

I wrote last week about the prosecution of Andrew Thistleton in Summit County, Colorado, for assaulting a woman with a snowball.  Over the weekend I learned that the Summit County DA's office moved on Thursday to dismiss the case in the "best interest of justice," if Thistleton agreed to write a letter of apology.  Thistleton agreed to that and the judge granted the motion, bringing this saga to an end.

Afterward, DA Mark Hurlbert claimed that the letter-for-dismissal offer had actually been on the table for 10 months, and suggested that defense attorney Lisa Moses had taken a hard line on the case only after it began to attract publicity.  Moses denied that, saying she was "appalled" by the suggestion.

Either way, Thistleton was very happy about the outcome.  "It's just a never-ending nightmare," he said, "but now it's finally over."  Now that the never-ending nightmare has ended, Thistleton and his mother have flown home to Australia, where it will be much easier for them to avoid being reminded of snow.

Link: Summit Daily News