Lowering the Bar

Another Reason Not to Streak in Minnesota

From the police blotter in Silver Lake, Wisconsin, yesterday:

On 3-13-08 at approx. 1620 hrs., [Deputy] Zarletti was parked by the Silver Lake DNR boat launch when he was alerted by a citizen that a male was running across the frozen lake in the nude. Dep. Zarletti located the subject and identified him as John F. Greely (18) a local resident. Greely was wearing nothing but socks, and he was sober. He reported that he streaked on a 30 dollar bet. Dep. Zarletti issued him a county ordinance citation ($753.00 bond) for lewd and lascivious behavior.

It's unknown whether he recovered on his bet.

It is not yet spring in Wisconsin, as you could probably infer from the fact that lakes are still frozen firmly enough for a naked guy to run across one.  The temperature yesterday in Silver Lake at 1620 hours was about 42 degrees.  With the wind running at about 12 mph, and Naked Guy running at an estimated 8 mph (might be too high for someone running on ice wearing socks), the wind chill would have been about 30 degrees, although I could find no wind-chill charts that factored in the effect of being naked on a frozen lake.

My point is, I don't know what was going on there, but at something under 30 degrees I seriously doubt it was anything "lewd or lascivious."

Link: Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel Online

Kevorkian May Run for Congress

Dr. Jack Kevorkian, who was released on parole last year after serving eight years for second-degree murder, reportedly will run for Congress in a hotly contested House race.  A local paper reported on March 12 that Kevorkian had obtained the paperwork that he would need to get his name on the ballot.

Kevorkian was involved in the deaths of well over 100 people in the 1990s, deaths he characterized as assisted suicides.  (He is shown here rather gleefully posing with the apparatus he invented for that purpose.)  In 1998, he was charged with and convicted of murder in Michigan.  He was released last June.  As some of you may be interested to learn, the Constitution does not prohibit a convicted felon from serving in Congress.  It only requires that you be at least 25, a U.S. citizen, and that you reside in the state you plan to represent, which of course Kevorkian has been doing for at least the last eight years or so.

Kevorkian plans to run as an independent, joining the race between GOP incumbent Joe Knollenberg and Democrat Gary Peters.  His platform will reportedly focus on prison reform, bringing integrity back to government, and not helping kill people (at least, not personally).  Ruth Holmes, Kevorkian's "longtime jury consultant," who did pretty well until that last outing, was quoted as saying that "Jack is in great spirits and he intends to do this.  He just hopes for some honesty in government."  According to Holmes, Kevorkian needs to collect 3,000 signatures by mid-July in order to qualify for the ballot.

According to this 2005 report, Kevorkian has shopped a book manuscript tentatively titled "The Life of Dr. Death," and a movie version was planned.  Producer Steve Jones reportedly said Ben Kingsley was at the top of his "short list" of actors who he hoped might play Kevorkian.  According to the Internet Movie Database, a movie called "The Kevorkian Chronicles" is currently in production, produced by Jones and directed by Barbara Kopple, an Oscar-winning documentary filmmaker whose prior work also includes "High School Musical: The Music In You."  (Ben Kingsley is not mentioned.)

Kevorkian's sudden interest in running for public office is probably coincidental.

Link: Huffington Post

The Law Accordion to Hanson Bridgett

Would your managing partner wear lederhosen for a marketing video?  If not, maybe you work at the wrong firm.

To celebrate a name change and its 50th birthday, the firm now known as HansonBridgett has put together the video below, which shows a group of lawyers at the firm marching down Market Street here in San Francisco as part of a band.  Managing partner Andrew Giacomini, who also plays bass drum in the video, said the firm "called on the creative skills of people who work here" to put the project together.  Here's what they created:

What does it mean?  I don't know (but I like it).  No one knows.  "That's the beauty of it," said partner Garner Weng in a press release on the firm's website.  "If you're wondering," Weng said, "there is a specific message we were trying to deliver -- but it's a secret."  I'd guess that at least part of the message is, "it doesn't suck to work here," and that is something that should not be underestimated.

Management of Skadden Arps, I think the ball is in your court.  What are you willing to wear?

Link: HansonBridgett LLP
Link: The firm's press release about the video

Politician Reinstated After Scandal

A politician who recently lost his job after a scandal has been reinstated, and his record will be cleared, officials said today.

Thanks for reading, Client-9, but it's not you.

Eighth-grader Michael Sheridan, of New Haven, Connecticut, was suspended and stripped of his title as class vice president after he was busted for buying contraband Skittles from a local dealer.  The Skittles-pusher was one of Sheridan's classmates.  Skittles and similar banned substances have been illegal in the New Haven school district since 2003, when the district implemented something called a "school wellness policy."  (It appears that this was a candy ban and not due to concerns about "skittling," which I've just learned is a term for getting high by taking too much cold medicine, some brands of which look like Skittles.)  In addition to losing his position, Sheridan was suspended for one day and barred from attending a dinner for honors students.

After some controversy over the matter, the district superintendent and school principal Eleanor Turner met with Sheridan's parents this week.  The superintendent announced afterwards that Sheridan would be reinstated.

No reason was given, but in a statement Turner suggested that the "Just Say No to Skittles" policy may have been unclear.  It was apparently a verbal warning, which Turner said she should have reinforced in writing.  "I am sorry this has happened," said Turner, her use of the passive voice indicating that she had done nothing wrong and that the problem was the fault of the thing that happened.  "My hope," she continued, "is that we can get back to the normal school routine, especially since we are in the middle of taking the Connecticut mastery test."  I wouldn't worry too much about that, since I think this story suggests it's not that difficult to master Connecticut.

Sheridan claimed he did not know the purchase was against the rules, but admitted he did notice that his Skittles dealer was "being secretive."

Link: AP via FindLaw.com

How Client-9 Was Caught

NPR had an interesting segment this morning (March 12) as to how Client-9, formerly known as Eliot Spitzer, was found out.  As you might expect, our old friend the USA Patriot Act had a part to play, helping fulfill its mission of keeping America safe from the emperors' clubs that threaten our way of life.  But there is more to that story.

You probably know that cash transactions of more than $10,000 have to be reported, but if, like me, you thought your many cash transactions totaling $9,999 were off the radar, think again.  NPR interviewed bank officials who said that bank software scrutinizes every transaction -- that's every transaction, whether you're withdrawing money you're going to use to rent "Kristen" or buying a croissant with your debit card -- and flags any transaction that is part of a pattern that the software deems "suspicious."  Client-9's frequent cash transfers -- each less than $10,000 but possibly adding up to as much as $80,000 -- were flagged by this software and this triggered a money-laundering investigation.  As it turned out, something probably needed to be laundered, but it wasn't money.

As NPR reports, part of this system was put in place by the USA Patriot Act.  Number of terrorists caught plotting (to date): [classified].  Number of governors caught cheating (to date): one.  Further proof that the USA Patriot Act is [classified].

But the irony lies in the source of another part of that same tracking system, which, it turns out, was put in place as a result of investigations into corporate financial practices by a certain zealous former New York attorney general.  Who is also, as of this morning, a former New York governor.  The Law of Unintended Consequences strikes again.

Andy Borowitz foreshadowed today's announcement with his post yesterday about Spitzer's tearful resignation from the Emperor's Club.

Link: NPR.org (audio)
Link: Get Yourself a Client-9 T-Shirt

Florida Election Too Close to Call Because Nobody Voted

Tired of feeling like your vote doesn't count?  Move to Prospect Bend, an unincorporated community in Broward County, Florida, near the town of Tamarac.  There, every vote counts -- or every vote would count, if they could get one.

Tamarac city officials have proposed annexing Prospect Bend, something that requires approval by a majority of registered voters in the community to be annexed.  Residents of Prospect Bend: 200.  Registered voters: 68.  Voters who showed up: zero.  Keeping the polls open for twelve hours -- priceless?  No, it cost $2,500.

Reportedly, city officials are considering a mail-in ballot next time around, in an effort to get at least one person to vote on the matter.

Link: CBS News

Elvis's Pretrial Conference Goes Poorly

Tip: if appearing in court for a pretrial conference in your criminal case, it is best to present a respectful demeanor and stay relatively low-key.  One should avoid, for example, showing up dressed as a late-model Elvis Presley, complete with sunglasses, rhinestone shirt and scarf.

This may result in greater scrutiny, as it did for David Blaisdell of Nicholasville, Kentucky.  Nicholasville is in central Kentucky, about three hours from Nashville, and so not close enough to explain the Elvis attire.  If Blaisdell had driven up from Nashville for his hearing, that was also a bad idea because, as the greater scrutiny revealed, he was also drunk.  A judge-ordered test showed that his blood alcohol was twice the legal limit, which even in Kentucky is probably a lot.

Blaisdell, who is facing misdemeanor stalking charges, spent three days in jail for contempt of court.

Link: Yahoo! News
Link: When Nixon Met Elvis (a National Archives special exhibit)

New York Town Takes Serious Action Against Silly String

On March 3, the town board of Huntington, New York took decisive action to maintain public order by banning the sale of Silly String within 1,500 feet of a parade route.  It joined several other U.S. communities in doing so.

Dangerous times call for drastic measures, ladies and gentlemen.

Silly String, originally known as "Foamable Resinous Composition," which I think is also an early Pink Floyd song, is a liquid sprayed from a can that comes out in string form "because of the structural properties of the plasticized resin" in the liquid.  (That's from the patent.)  Basically, a skin forms on the outside of the spray when the stuff hits the air, and this keeps the contents in a relatively stringy shape.  (That's not from the patent.  I don't think patents use the word "stuff" very often.)  More technically, it's this:

FOAMABLE RESINOUS COMPOSITION  Cox et al.

 

(I'm sure there's a reason why that last sentence can't say, "Such a combination is substantially silly," but this is not really my field.)  The Huntington experience suggests, however, that Cox et al. underestimated the tackiness of their resinous composition.  The board's measure, which passed 4-1, was apparently prompted by concerns that the string can damage the paint on city vehicles.

Those were the concerns raised by 80-year-old Ruth Fahlbusch, one of three citizens who showed up at the board meeting (and appear in the website's video clip).  "It's gotten out of hand," Fahlbusch cried.  "It's not only the children and the teenagers, it's adults.  I really want the town to ban the use of Silly String.  It really ruins a parade."  (Fahlbusch then loudly announced that she had fallen, and could not get up.)  At the other end of the spectrum, 18-year-old Jessica Schulz, who obviously doesn't care about western civilization, said people shouldn't spray Silly String at vehicles, but otherwise "it should be fine."

The only board member to vote against the ban, Mark Cuthbertson, did not think the ban would be effective and feared it would put the city on a slippery slope.  "I don't know where you draw the line," he said.  "Do you ban whipped cream next?  Or toilet paper?  I just don't see this as an area into which we should delve."  I think we can all agree that banning toilet paper is not an area into which they should delve.

"We certainly don't want to ban Silly String totally," said the town supervisor, Frank Petrone.  According to the report, Petrone said he was "hoping residents take it upon themselves to use Silly String responsibly," but there was no indication that he suggested how anyone could actually do that.

In other ridiculous Silly String news, reports in 2006 and 2007 said that U.S. troops were using the product to help find tripwires set up as bomb triggers, but that they were having trouble getting enough of it.  A New Jersey family that collected over 80,000 cans for the troops was not allowed to send it for many months because the product, which of course is an aerosol, was considered too dangerous to ship.

Link: Newsday.com

Brazilian Boy Will Not Be Allowed to Enter Law School

Officials at Paulista University in Brazil said they had decided that Joao Victor Portelinha de Oliveira would not be allowed to start law school this year as he had planned.  Although he successfully passed the entrance exams and a writing test last week, the university said he does not qualify for law school because he has not yet completed certain other educational requirements.

Like grade school.

"I want to study law at the university," said Portelinha de Oliveira, who is eight.  "It's decided."  He told reporters that he had studied for a full week before taking the test.  The boy's father said he would file a lawsuit if his son was not admitted.  His son can't represent himself, you see, because he is eight.

The boy's mother insisted her son was not a "child genius" -- which I'd have thought was obvious, since he wants to go to law school -- but was just a normal boy who had "participated in our discussions [the ones they had with an 8-year-old about legal issues] and took interest in current affairs and interacted a lot with adults."

According to the report, the national bar association in Brazil, understandably embarrassed by the fact that an 8-year-old was able to pass a law-school entrance exam, has demanded swift action to make sure this never happens again.  Specifically, the bar has "called on the education ministry to ensure that no other primary schoolers are given the chance to sit [for] such tests."

That's the right solution.  Actually making the test challenging enough to screen out a bright 8-year-old would probably involve a lot of paperwork. 

Link: AFP via Yahoo! News
Link: AP via Law.com