Lowering the Bar

Tax Returns Are Hard, Says Federal Reserve Bank President

According to a spokesman, the mistake Timothy Geithner made on his tax returns is a common one, and since he's corrected it and paid the $34,000 he owed, the matter should be considered closed.  Our system is so complicated, said commentators, that we shouldn't be too hard on him personally for messing up an "arcane tax matter." 

I think I'd agree with all that if Geithner wasn't currently in charge of the Federal Reserve Bank of New York.  I'm no expert, but don't they do some relatively complex stuff there?

Geithner, in fact, has been nominated to be Secretary of the Treasury, which is the main reason so much scrutiny is being given to old tax returns.  To be fair, the matter in question does seem kind of arcane.  Geithner worked at the International Monetary Fund at the time he was getting this wrong, from 2001 to 2003.  The IMF apparently does not withhold U.S. taxes, and its workers are considered "self-employed" for tax purposes.  This means (if I understand correctly) they are required to pay their own Social Security and Medicare taxes and to pay both the employer and employee's share.  Geithner got this wrong three years in a row (and as it happened, understated his taxes significantly).

 

That does seem pretty confusing to me and I'm sure I would screw it up.  Again, however, I am not hoping to be Secretary of the Treasury, a position that puts one more or less in charge of the entire U.S. economy (as well as, ironically, the Internal Revenue Service).  Nor do I have the sort of experience that Geithner seems to have with financial stuff, if this blurb from the Obama campaign site is accurate:

Timothy Geithner currently serves as president and CEO of the Federal Reserve Bank of New York, where he has played a key role in formulating the nation's monetary policy. He joined the Department of the Treasury in 1988 and has served three presidents. From 1999 to 2001, he served as Under Secretary of the Treasury for International Affairs. Following that post he served as director of the Policy Development and Review Department at the International Monetary Fund until 2003. Geithner is a graduate of Dartmouth College and the Johns Hopkins School of Advanced International Studies.  Since 1988 he has been able to do his own taxes correctly about eighty-five percent of the time.

Okay, I added that last sentence.

Link: NPR (Jan. 15, 2009)

Link: Change.gov (press release re: Geithner's nomination)

Transition

From a New York Times blog today:

The Bushes Depart | 12:56 p.m. The helicopter steps are folded up. The blade begins to rotate. The Obamas and Bidens are standing still, holding each other’s hands, as they watch the helicopter rev up. We now have lift-off; the Bushes have left the Capitol at 12:55 — almost half an hour ahead of time. The Obamas wave.

Meanwhile, former Vice-President Cheney begins his long, slow roll back to Wyoming.

     

Link: The Caucus (NYT)
Link: WhiteHouse.gov (now under new management)

Inauguration Day Edition

Good news for Obama supporters -- Myanmar's "top astrologer" is predicting not only that Obama will be elected to a second term, but also that he will not be killed during either one.

"Obama will definitely be re-elected again," said San-Zami Bo, whose appropriately goofy name is probably his main qualification for astrologership. This particular prediction is based on the fact that Obama was born on the 4th of the month (August), which is apparently good, and that "[h]is card shows the emperor sign."  Hard to argue with that.

The astrologer also said that assassination attempts were "certain" in 2009, 2010 and 2013 (post-reelection).  But the stars were not one hundred percent sure about this one.  "I can basically say all attempts will fail and be unsuccessful," he said redundantly.  "But," he warned, "how can we say definitely without reading his palm?"  The great thing about Myanmarian astrologers is that they are always careful to cross-check their star predictions with other forms of bullshit.

Meanwhile, in Ireland, a bookmaker was taking bets on which "cliche" Obama will mention first during his inaugural address.  Current odds were:

• 8-1:    "change has come"
• 10-1:  "yes we can"
• 12-1:  "fundamental belief"
• 12-1:  "as I stand here today"
• 14-1:  "let me be clear" or "politics of hope"
• 25-1:  "we can be one people"
• 80-1:  "we have more work to do" [not likely to be first!]
• 250-1: "Let's get ready to rumble"
• 250-1: "Life is like a box of chocolates"
• 500-1: "Always bet on black"

That last one seems awfully unlikely, but the payoff would be huge.

You can also bet on (for example) the color of Obama's tie, what kind of puppy his daughters will end up getting, and what celebrity will be shown first in the crowd.  Not surprisingly, the odds are good (7-4) that this will be Oprah; more surprising was that Sting (16-1) was running slightly ahead of P Diddy (20-1).  But maybe neither of those guys are likely to show up at all, given that these bookmakers think the odds are significantly greater that Osama bin Laden will be captured in the next couple of years (6-1).  I'd bet that P Diddy will be captured during that time, but not bin Laden.

Link: AFP via Yahoo.com (astrologer)
Link: AFP via Yahoo.com (betting)
Link: "What Will Obama Say First?"

Aquarium Stocked With Stolen Sea Creatures

A 30-year-old New York man is being charged with grand and petit larceny for crimes he committed during the last two months.  The grand larceny charge is for stealing a shark and the petit larceny is for swiping a moray eel.

Police said that the man, who was not identified, had managed to get a shark out of a pet-store aquarium and smuggle it out of the shop under his jacket.  The article did not explain how he did either of those things without being noticed, or why he is wasting his obvious talent on stealing sea creatures rather than doing something constructive with it, like stealing money and then buying sea creatures.  This is also likely to be much safer because money is not going to try to eat you.

Police said that the shark was found in an aquarium at the man's home, along with a green moray eel he had purchased with a stolen credit card on January 2.  It was not clear whether they had tracked him down because of the credit card or just followed a trail of wet footprints.

Frankly, I was hoping he had tried to smuggle the moray eel out by stuffing it down his pant leg, but no such luck.  Either this guy is aware that a moray eel is a vicious creature that should not be let into your pants for even a second, or he's very, very lucky.

Link: Yahoo! News

Cranky Ball-Snatcher Sues for Emotional Distress

Last October in Cincinnati, an 89-year-old woman who was sick of kids' toys ending up in her yard was arrested after she confiscated a stray football.  According to Edna Jester -- and if I was going to make up a name for her, I like to think it would be that one -- her property is constantly bombarded with a meteoric rain of footballs, basketballs, soccer balls, and whatnot, all coming from the yard of the Tanis family next door.  In October, she decided she had endured one too many.

It was not the first item Jester (right, displaying her patented "Out of My Yard" expression) had confiscated.  She admitted to three, although Mr. Tanis said it was "about 10."  Apparently having finally run out of balls, he called police, who asked Jester to return the ball to the children.  Jester refused.  They then tried to give her a citation rather than arresting her, but she refused to sign it.  Police then took her downtown and booked her for petty theft.  (According to police, Jester demanded that they handcuff her, but they refused.)  The charges were later dropped, however.

Jester has now sued Paul and Kelly Tanis, alleging that the emotional distress resulting from the repeated property infringements has caused her health to deteriorate. According to the complaint, members of the Tanis family have repeatedly "thrown objects against the side of Ms. Jester’s house, into her gardens and onto her porch," and they “regularly and without permission” enter her yard to retrieve the “carelessly tossed” items.  The lawsuit seeks unspecified damages.

According to Kelly Tanis, Jester still has the football.

Link: Cincinnati Enquirer
Link: AP via Findlaw.com

Serial Toilet Arsonist Continues to Terrorize San Francisco

The person or persons unknown who have been setting fire to portable toilets in San Francisco has (or have) struck again, the SF Chronicle reports today.

Since this is happening in San Francisco, we can assume it is some sort of protest against something, but what that might be is not yet clear.

The arsonist's reign of terror has now lasted for over two months, including attacks on more than a dozen portable toilets at construction sites in and around Russian Hill and Pacific Heights.  Luckily, so far all attacks have been carried out in the middle of the night, and no injuries have been reported.  Although I think it is entirely possible that, if you were injured in such a case, you might not be inclined to report it, as a number of awkward questions might be posed.

The Chronicle reported that "[a] foreman at one construction site has gone as far as to disguise an outhouse with dark plywood and a brown blanket to make it look like a storage shed," a reckless disclosure that has only helped the terrorists by putting one more innocent outhouse at risk. 

Link: SFGate.com

Restraining Order Entered After Christmas Wii Assault

A New Hampshire judge refused Monday to lift an order that requires Randi Young, 24, and Heath Blom, 26, to stay away from each other.  Both were arrested on Christmas Day after a Nintendo-Wii-related incident that allegedly turned violent.

According to police, Young and Blom began arguing after Blom opened his Christmas gift to find a Nintendo Wii game system instead of the remote-control airplane he had apparently asked for.  Rather than thanking Jesus for setting him up with a girlfriend who is willing to buy him gaming systems rather than something stupid like a sweater or shoes or a remote-control airplane, Blom began to complain.  Not surprisingly, an argument ensued.  When Young tried to leave, Blom allegedly grabbed her hair and she allegedly swung around and hit him.  A touching Christmas story -- it's "Gift of the Magi" meets "Raging Bull."

If only Mr. Ungrateful had opened that Wii to begin with, they could have worked out all these issues by just playing The Sims (or maybe a boxing game) rather than getting into it in real life.  A punch from a simulated girlfriend wouldn't hurt as much -- but then she probably would have gotten you what you wanted in the first place.

The court later entered a restraining order that required the two to stay away from each other.  They were back in court Monday to ask that the order be lifted, saying they had just had a "bad Christmas," but the court refused.

Link: MSNBC.com.

Doping Scandal Strikes Sport of Kings, Dorks

You can now add one to the list of sports tainted by scandal over the possible use of banned substances.  If you think chess is a sport, anyway.

The possibility of "doping" by international chess athletes got some publicity recently when officials threatened to suspend Vassily Ivanchuk, a Ukrainian grandmaster who is ranked third in the world.  Ivanchuk stormed out of the "Chess Olympiad" in Dresden late last year after being asked to submit to a urine test.  Refusal is treated the same way as a positive result, and so Ivanchuk faces a possible two-year ban.

What are they worried about, exactly?  The concern in the chess world is not that you will have a bunch of steroid-pumped braniacs slamming pawns back and forth, but rather that a chess player might try to get an unfair advantage by taking drugs that help concentration, like Ritalin. (Caffeine used to be banned, but is not on the list anymore.)  Another reason chess players are being tested -- maybe the main reason -- is that there is a push to make chess an Olympic event (which would be just fantastic for the TV ratings), and for that to happen it has to submit to all of the International Olympic Committee rules.

Whether Ivanchuk refused to submit to the test because he was taking a banned substance, or because he is crazy, is hard to say.  According to the article, Ivanchuk is one of the more eccentric characters in chess.  After winning, he "tries to fold the oversized winner's check . . . down to pocket size," and after losing, "he goes into the forest at night and howls at the moon to drive out the demons."  Chess can do that to a man.

The World Anti-Doping Agency does say that it considers chess a "low-risk sport."

Link: Der Speigel

Robbers "Overly Prepared," Says Guard Who Chased and Sat on Them

The off-duty guard who captured two teenage robbers in New Zealand last month said he noticed them before the robbery began because they were overdoing their preparations a bit.

Herman Sakaria was driving home from work when he saw the two covering their car's license plates, apparently in full view of the road.  He then watched them put clear plastic bags over their faces and socks over their shoes before running into a nearby store wielding steak knives.  The socks weren't explained, but might have been intended to prevent their shoes from leaving any identifiable tracks.  Sakaria suggested that this was all a bit overdone for an amateur raid on a convenience store.

"The boys had obviously been watching too many crime movies," he said, "because they were overly prepared."

The over-preparation did not mean that the robbery went the way they planned.  Having attracted the attention of somebody driving by, the boys were then unable to intimidate the Korean couple who own the store, who chased them back outside.  Sakaria was waiting, ready to go into action.  "I grabbed them, disarmed them and took them to the ground, restraining them [right] until police arrived," Sakaria said later.

To add further insult to injury, while the robbers were being sat upon, the Korean woman came over and started hitting them with a flyswatter.  The humiliation was then made complete when, apparently by pure coincidence, the mother of one of the robbers happened by.  "Oh, s___, there's my mum," the boy said, according to Sakaria.  God, Mom, you are so embarrassing me!

The two 16-year-olds were charged with assault with intent to rob, which could mean a serious jail term although it was not much of a robbery.  "it was a ridiculous attempt," said Sakaria.  "The silly season really has started."

If there's anything I've learned by doing this, it's that "silly season" lasts all year long.

Link:  Stuff.co.nz

Officials Say Pumpkin-Wearers Not In Compliance With Helmet Law

Reports this week said that police in Nigeria have begun cracking down on taxi passengers who refuse to wear helmets as a new law requires.  The helmets are required for passengers of what the article described as the hordes of "erratic motorcycle taxis known as 'Okadas,' whose owners are notorious for road rage."

Some passengers say they are unable to comply with the helmet law because the helmets are just too expensive.  It is true that prices have risen sharply since the law went into effect.  (Construction workers are said to have set up a "lucrative trade" in which they rent out their safety helmets for $4 a day, which will seem like a great idea until something hits them in the head.)  But officials had little sympathy, saying the public had been told months ago about the law's start date, and so those who had not planned ahead had only themselves to blame.  Other passengers, though, said they were worried about evil wizards.  They have expressed a concern that helmets bought from a third party might be "laced with magic spells" that could knock them unconscious (for robbery purposes) or worse.

These reasons in combination appear to be why, according to police, many passengers refused to wear commerically made helmets and instead were making their own headgear by tying on pieces of old tires, cooking pots, and hollowed-out fruit.  "They use pots, plates, calabashes [a fruit about the size of a pumpkin], rubber and plastic as makeshift helmets," said a safety official.  "We will not tolerate this." Not that it would be impossible to contrive your own protective gear, but tying a calabash to your head is probably not going to get the job done.

Sources said other passengers were concerned that they might catch some sort of disease from wearing a helmet, but as one columnist wrote, the various pleasant diseases they are worried about are already rampant on public transit in Nigeria anyway.

Link: MSNBC.com