Lowering the Bar

Good Reason to Kill # 10: Posted "Ugly Baby" Comment on Facebook

If you need another reason not to use Facebook, here's one: your "friends" may not stay safely on the Internet. Here's another: some of them may be really touchy about their ugly babies.

Obviously, all new babies are ugly. I guess you're not supposed to say that, but it's still a fact. It's not their fault, and most of them get over it, but they are just not attractive people at that point. I mean, if you saw a grown-up with a face like that, you'd be on the phone to the circus, not saying "oh, how adorable." Why should babies get special treatment? So I have no doubt that this one, which was only four days old, was in fact ugly. (I tried to find the right Facebook to confirm, but had no luck.)

But again, my understanding is that this is not something you're supposed to say out loud, especially if the parents responsible are within earshot. And as everyone should have learned by now, but hasn't, there are lots of things you should not say on Facebook, either.

Which is not to say that you should expect to get stabbed over it.

Two Chicago women have been charged with felony aggravated battery and aggravated assault, respectively, after one of them allegedly stabbed another woman over "ugly baby" comments on Facebook. Exactly what happened is a little confused, partly because there was a mother-daughter pair on each side of the brawl. Apparently, one 18-year-old called the other 18-year-old's baby "ugly" on a Facebook page, and at some point thereafter, the new mother and her own mother showed up in person to discuss the comments.

"The daughter came over to my house with the mom to see the messages and she hit me in the eye trying to hit my daughter," said 39-year-old Tiffany Scott. What happened after that is not clear, but Scott said that 15 minutes later, the other mom got stabby. "I was going to my daughter's car," Scott said, "and she came out with the knives." She used them several times, too, although Scott is apparently going to be okay.

Getting stabbed is a drag, especially when you didn't start the fight in the first place. "[Y]ou'd never think your mother would get stabbed over something you said, verbally or on a computer," said Scott's daughter, who now knows better.

Officials Uncertain Whether National Soccer Team Was Fake or Just Untalented

Bahrain's national soccer team felt pretty good about its easy 3-0 win last week over the national team from Togo. The match was more lopsided than the score indicates; they scored eight times but five of the goals were disallowed as a result of offside decisions described as "questionable."

I really have no idea what that means, but the point is that Bahrain easily defeated their opponents. Very easily. So easily, in fact, that it was almost as if the other guys had never played soccer before.

Suspicions are growing that they may not have.

Officials are concerned that the group purporting to be the Togolese national team may just have been a bunch of guys paid to pose as the Togolese national team, in a scam organized by a betting syndicate in order to fix the outcome of the match. The concern appears to stem from two pieces of evidence. First, the agent who arranged the match has already spent time in jail for fixing soccer matches, and is currently under investigation for allegedly taking a fake "Zimbabwean national team" to Malaysia. Second, the "Togolese national team" was really, really bad.

The Daily Telegraph reported that "[a]ccording to fans who attended last week's game at Bahrain's national stadium, the Togolese looked tired and spent much of the match falling over or diving." Bahrain's coach, an Austrian who formerly managed that country's national team, agreed.  "They were not fit enough to play 90 minutes," said Josef Hickersberger. "The game was very boring." A local sports reporter said he was astonished by the team's "laid-back approach," and that they did not even have a list of team members for reporters to use. "[T]here was one guy who just wrote down the names," he said. "Nobody had heard of any of them. . . . Every five minutes they were diving and falling, saying they were injured."

It is not entirely clear yet that these were just some guys who were rounded up and told to pose as a national team in order to fix the match. Togo's actual team has had serious problems lately, including a terrorist attack on its team bus in January. But traumatic as that may have been, it wouldn't explain the inability of whoever showed up in Bahrain to even play a full 90 minutes. FIFA, the governing body for the sport that the world still insists on calling "football," said it had not yet received any complaints and so had not opened an investigation. But the Togolese Football Association has said it knew nothing about the match, that it did not send a team to Bahrain, and that it is trying to track down the players on the fake team.

On the other hand, if my team got beat that badly, I might try to suggest they were a bunch of impostors, too.

Judge Hands Out Condoms Hidden in Acorns

Today's inexplicable-misconduct story involves a Pennsylvania judge who has been charged with disorderly conduct for hiding condoms inside acorns and handing them out to unsuspecting women on the grounds of the state capitol.

Confronted by capitol police, the judge admitted to the nut-jobbery, which he said was meant as a joke. The women who complained do not seem to have been amused.

In one of those details that confirms the existence of a Supreme Being, the judge's seat is in Intercourse, Pennsylvania.

Elmo Testifies Before Congress

There is no shortage of news items on Stephen Colbert's testimony before Congress, and as many of these stories note, some Democrats also did not think that having a comedian testify was such a great idea. (And some Democrats are also not funny, although it seems unlikely anybody there from either party could have been less funny than Rep. King.)

I thought this item by Ruth Marcus of the Washington Post was especially instructive. She is a Colbert fan but did not think he should have testified. She does remind us, however, that he is by no means the first celebrity to have been called before a subcommittee for this sort of thing. Specifically, the Republicans who complained so bitterly about Colbert are forgetting that when they controlled the House in 2002, they heard testimony from a muppet.

At least somebody loves Congress.

In April of that year, Elmo testified before the Education Appropriations subcommittee in support of funding for music education programs. Everyone in that picture seems to be having fun, but there is always a curmudgeon around. In this book excerpt, Gene Healy noted that Elmo was testifying on a date about midway between September 11 and the vote on the Iraq War, and Healy found the whole spectacle deeply embarrassing:

In between trying to eat the microphone and interrupting his fellow witness, Elmo engaged in this informative colloquy with subcommitee chair Ralph Regula (R-OH):

Elmo: Please, Congress, help Elmo's friends find the music in them. I love you, Congress.

Regula: And my grandchildren love you too, Elmo. [Oh, come on - Congress can't tell Elmo it loves him?]

Healy described Congress as the new "least dangerous branch" of government, and that might be true, but that's not Elmo's fault.

I would like to ask that the next Supreme Court nominee pledge to try to eat the microphone, just so we have some reason to watch those useless confirmation hearings.

Stephen Colbert Testifies Before Congress

If you didn't have a chance to see Stephen Colbert's testimony before Congress (specifically, the House Judiciary Subcommittee on Immigration, Citizenship & Border Security) about the plight of migrant workers, here's his opening statement.

 

The video of the full hearing is available on C-SPAN here. I admit I did not watch all of it, because that would have taken nearly 2.2 hours of valuable billable time, but I did watch the opening statements by Colbert and the committee members. If those statements established nothing else, and they really didn't, they at least established that Stephen Colbert is funnier than Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa), who is not funny AT ALL. Not intentionally, anyway.

In just a two-minute statement, King managed to insult Comedy Central, praise the troops (a good thing to do, but not that relevant to agriculture), mention Joe the Plumber (relevance also unclear) and even bring up the Eskimos. "I wonder how the Eskimos got along for centuries without all those fresh fruits and vegetables, if [migrant labor is] really a matter of national security," King said. I'm still struggling with that one.

Whole Foods Selling Fish It Sort of Doesn't Want You to Buy

The Whole Foods grocery chain has reportedly begun putting warning labels on some of the seafood it sells suggesting that customers may not want to buy it. Not because there is any risk to consumers, apparently, but because that species may be "overfished" and being depleted in the environment. Green means "abundant," yellow means "may be overfished" or not fished sustainably, and red ("AVOID") means "is definitely suffering" for those same reasons.

Yes, Whole Foods did offer an explanation for why it is still selling the seafood it urges you to avoid.

"The reason why we're continuing to carry these species," said a man described as the "Whole Foods Seafood Supervisor," is that "we want to give [our] vendor-partners an opportunity to make changes to their operations."  He didn't explain why Whole Foods didn't just tell them it was not going to buy the semi-endangered species anymore until they got their act together (the vendor-partners, not the fish).

Tip: Covering Self in Paint Will Not Deter Taser Use

A man in Cheyenne, Wyoming, expected police to have Tasers when they showed up at his house on a domestic violence call, so he was ready for them. When they arrived, they were confronted with a man covered in white latex paint.

"You see all this water-based paint?" he said to the officers.  "You shoot me with that and you'll kill me."

I'm not a scientist, although I did have a gift subscription to Scientific American for a year and I did read parts of several of those issues. My understanding of why water and electricity are dangerous is that the water increases conductivity and so increases the likelihood that electricity from a given source (wall socket, lightning bolt) will flow through you rather than something else on its way to wherever electricity goes. Since the electricity from a Taser is already going to flow through you, it doesn't matter that much if your skin is wet when it does.

That might all be BS, but the fact remains that the water-based-paint strategy didn't work. Twice. The man was subdued after a brief struggle, and was booked for domestic violence and various assault charges.

Police did say the officers' uniforms had to be cleaned, so maybe the paint strategy will have some deterrent effect in the future.

At the other end of the spectrum was the South African man who, in 2006, learned that a ritual medicinal preparation known as "muti" did not make him invisible to police, and immediately thereafter, learned it also would not stop bullets.

Poster for Anti-Infringement Campaign Was Copied, Designer Admits

Taiwan's Intellectual Property Office said it had disqualified Wu Chih-wei and asked him to return the medal and prize money he got for winning the "Protect Copyright" poster-design contest, after Wu admitted he had copied the design he submitted.

"The contest's purpose is to make the public respect the intellectual property of other people," the office said in a statement. "If someone copies other people's work to join the contest, it runs counter to this purpose." Yes it does.

Wu had won the student division of the contest with a design showing a paper airplane made out of a book page falling out of the sky as letters trail off the page like smoke. Called "Work -- Shattered," the image was a dramatic metaphor for the harm that can be done by unauthorized copying.

It was also copied from the work of Dutch artist Dennis Sibeijn, specifically an image called "Truth."

Truth by Dennis Sibeijn

The IPO was unaware of the copying until someone contacted it to tell it that the image being used for the anti-infringement campaign had been stolen. Wu admitted the work was not original and said he needed the money. The IPO has asked him to return the approximately $156 he had been awarded.

On Lawmanship

I just finished a book that I recommend very highly: On Lawmanship by Bullstrode Whitelocke, K.C.

Bullstrode, who I consider a close personal friend even though he is fictional, is the greatest practitioner of the law Australia has yet produced, or at least he thinks so. His book is a series of lessons on "lawmanship," a term he coined to refer to "a man who has mastered the art of law." As he writes, "[t]his book is a guide to the meaning of that word, and, in a way, an eloquent and forceful submission for inclusion by those cowardly, faceless men behind the Oxford English Dictionary."

Here's an example of the wisdom the book will impart:

Like fine wine, the modern lawman benefits from the depth, interest, and character that age provides. I implore you to do what you can to prematurely age your face. Ian "Molly" Meldrum used to spend long hours in front of industrial grade heaters, periodically basting his face with a tonic of ammonia and basil pesto, to obvious effect. His inexorable rise in the face of a manifest lack of talent and suspected communist sympathies should be all the proof you need. For the junior lawman, I suggest rampant whoring, a well-trimmed mustache and a nightly bottle of Harvey's Bristol cream.

Who is Ian "Molly" Meldrum? I had no idea, although I do now (and he does look fairly well basted). And the relatively frequent appearance in this book of Australian names other than "Crocodile Dundee" may throw off some American readers, but this should not be more than a speed bump. Monty Python did the same sort of thing, and that was also worth sticking with.

That same section has important advice about court attire:

During cross-examination, I prefer to wear something altogether more imposing and aggressive. I often wear one of my furs, usually from a beast I have slain myself. A particular favourite is the pelt of a Ross Leopard Seal I slaughtered in the Antarctic. That prince of a skin is a full eight (8) feet long and its impact on an unsuspecting witness is undeniable.

One of the many things I like about this book is that every time any number is mentioned, it is followed by its Hindu-Arabic equivalent, as in "eight (8)" above. This is one of those marvelous practices that makes legal writing so much more enjoyable to read than other species of English, although it should be embraced only by lawpeople of Bullstrode's caliber.

Here is something else I have actually witnessed, described by Bullstrode as one of the essential Courtroom Poses:

The first such pose I have dubbed the Electrocuted Bilby. Whilst your opponent is speaking, particularly during important points, sit immediately bolt upright, looking wild-eyed at your opponent to indicate that you are shocked that he would make such a submission.

Actually, I am pretty sure I have adopted that pose in court myself, although not intentionally.

On Lawmanship also offers extensive advice on other subjects such as legal writing, obtaining a suitable mate, and how to relate to your employees and other inferiors.  Obviously, I am a big fan of this book. You should buy a copy, which you can do here at Amazon.com. Bullstrode doesn't need the money (and I won't earn any) but $17.99 is a small price to pay for so much wisdom.

Link: On Lawmanship (the blog)

From the Docket: Satan's Employees, Dangerous Doors

These are third-party summaries of a couple of cases filed recently in San Francisco Superior Court.

This first one seems to involve a party admission of the kind you just don't get that often:

Rabbi ______ v. Mark Hopkins Intercontinental Hotel, No. CGC-10-503909 (San Francisco Super. Ct. filed Sept. 22, 2010)

Complaint for civil rights, negligence and intentional tort. The defendant's manager and doorman both refused to discipline a paying guest who became mad and shoved the plaintiff when the plaintiff told the man that the man's wife had carelessly discarded of a lit cigarette. However, the defendant's security guard agreed with the plaintiff that not disciplining the man just because he was a paying guest means the defendant's employees had "sold their souls to Satan."

A damning admission -- literally -- but don't bother to try bringing Satan in as a deep pocket.

And then this one appears to be a cautionary tale about the hidden dangers of shopping:

Rosamaria Romo ______ v. Neiman Marcus Holdings Inc. dba Neiman Marcus, No. CGC-10-502441 (San Francisco Super. Ct. filed Aug. 10, 2010).

Premises liability lawsuit. The plaintiff walked directly into the defendant's revolving glass door, fell backward and was injured as the door continued to revolve.

I assume discovery will be required in order to nail down just what Neiman Marcus did wrong there. Maybe a clearly posted warning, or instructions, should have been provided? Time will tell.