- Doctrine of Proportionate Response: "Reed told police that he sat behind Willis and initially planned to attack him with a hammer, but fearing that would kill him, chose to light him on fire instead."
- Ladies and gentlemen, the complimentary peanuts are for eating, not throwing at the flight attendants. Also, please remain seated when the seatbelt sign is turned on. The penalty for these heinous offenses is up to 20 years in jail.
- Car won't start? Have you tried putting a couple of rounds through the dashboard? That ought to teach it a little respect. (Bonus points: shooter then went back inside and slept through the ensuing SWAT-team standoff.)
- Fill in the blank: the founder of the "Fraud Discovery Institute" has pleaded guilty to _____. (Hint: in 1988, he was convicted of 57 counts of it.)
- Latest shutdown of an unlicensed child-run lemonade stand: Georgia. Required permits cost a total of $50 a day. "We were not aware of how the lemonade was made, who made the lemonade, [or] of what the lemonade was made with [sic]," said the police chief, who really doesn't seem to know a whole hell of a lot about lemonade.
