- On April 2, a man sued the government alleging that the FBI's fitness test discriminates because it is comparatively easier for women. Women are required to do only 14 untimed pushups to qualify, but men must do 30. Plaintiff, sadly, could complete only 29, and alleges that this single pushup is why he is not a special agent today. According to the complaint, 14 pushups for women is the equivalent of 27 to 29 for men, and so his 29 should have been considered good enough.
- What's suspicious about a left-handed guy shooting himself in the right temple while sitting in the back of a squad car with his hands cuffed behind his back using a "hidden gun" that the officers missed while frisking him? Don't be so cynical. Police are "still investigating and haven't ruled out the possibility" that someone else may have shot the man while he was sitting behind the officers. They have pledged to dig way down into the seat cushions to see if the culprit wiggled down there.
- Finally, a ukelele turns out to be good for something.
- "We have to recognize that we cannot keep secrets anymore," said the Department of Homeland Security official, who failed to disclose that by "we" she meant "you." Or maybe it's just that the people in charge of classifying more stuff and prosecuting more whistleblowers and leakers than ever before haven't gotten her memo yet. They will be so embarrassed!
- On the bright side, the ever-growing national-security state may threaten our freedom, but at least it repays us by keeping our weapons-grade uranium entirely safe from—aiiieeee! Senior citizens attacking! Nuns in the wire! I repeat, nuns inside the perimeter!
