When FBI Director Robert S. Mueller III emailed me the other day telling me I would be arrested if I did not immediately wire $98 to somebody in Lagos, of course I paid attention but then I guess I got a little frustrated because the instructions were so vague. Just like the government to order you to do something but not tell you how. Anyway, instead of sending the money I just emailed him back, "Suck it, Mueller." I know I shouldn't have talked to the FBI Director that way, especially when he was nice enough to email me personally, but like I said, I was kind of upset.
Luckily, he was willing to give me another final warning, which I got today. I guess not surprisingly, he seemed kind of mad.
Anti-Terrorist and Monetary Crimes Division
FBI Headquarters In Washington, D.C.
Federal Bureau Of Investigation
J. Edgar Hoover Building
935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington, D.C. 20535-0001
This is the final warning you are going to receive from me, do you get me? I hope you understand how many times this message has been sent to you.
We have warned you so many times and you have decided to ignore our e-mails or because you believe we have not been instructed to get you arrested and today if you fail to respond back to us with the payment details below, then we would first send a letter to the MAYOR of the city where you reside and direct them to close your bank account until you have been jailed and all your properties will be confiscated by the FBI, CIA and other enforcement agency ....
Your ID which we have in our database have been sent to all the crimes agencies in America for them to inset you in their website as an internet fraudsters and to warn people from having any deals with you. This would have been solved all this while if you had gotten the CERTIFICATE ENDORSED AND STAMPED as you were instructed .... This is the federal bureau of investigation (FBI) am writing in response to the e-mail you sent to us and am using this medium to inform you that there is no more time left to waste because you have been given a mandate.... [Y]ou must adhere to this directives to avoid you blaming yourself at last when we must have arrested and jailed you for life and all your properties will be seized and bank account will be confiscated too....
As a good Christian and a Honest man, I decided to see how i could be of help to you because i would not be happy to see you end up in jail and all your properties confiscated all because your information's was used to carry out a fraudulent transactions, i called the EFCC and they directed me to a private attorney who can help you get the process done and he stated that he will endorse and stamp the document at the sum of $98 usd only and i believe this process is cheaper for you.
You need to do every possible thing today and tomorrow to get this process done because our director [wait - I thought he was the director!] has called to inform me that the warrant of arrest has been signed against you and once it has been approved, then the arrest will be carried out, and from our investigations we learnt that you were the person that forwarded your identity to one impostor/fraudsters in Nigeria when he had a deal with you about the transfer of some illegal funds into your bank account which is valued at the sum of $10,500,000.00 ....
Bear it in mind that this is the only way that i can be able to help you at this moment or you would have to face the law and its consequences once it had befallen on you. You would make the payment through western union money transfer .... After all this process has been carried out, then we would have to proceed to the bank for the transfer of your compensation funds which is valued at the sum of $10.500,000.00 usd which was supposed to have been transferred to you all this while....
You are given a grace today to make the payment for the document after which your failure to do that will attract a maximum arrest and finally you will be appearing in court for act of terrorism, money laundering and drug trafficking charges, so be warned not to try anything funny because you are been watched.
Expecting your anticipated- Co-operation.
Yours in service,
Robert S. Mueller
Still confused as to why he thinks I am an internet fraudsters and how the mayor of San Francisco got the power to close my bank account, among the many other questions this raises. Do you get me? Maybe I will ask for further guidance.