Lowering the Bar

Bear Convicted

Reuters News reported last week that a court in Bitola, Macedonia, has convicted a bear of theft and property damage in a case brought by a beekeeper.

Rumors of violent protests against the ruling in Jellystone Park could not be immediately confirmed.

Beekeeper Zoran Kiseloski told reporters after the case concluded that he had tried to deter the bear from stealing his honey in the first place.  "I tried to distract the bear with lights and music because I heard bears are afraid of that," said Kiseloski.  The source of his bear-deterrence information was not disclosed, but it appears to have been successful.

This may or may not have been related to the fact that the music involved was "turbo-folk," a style that became popular in Serbia, along with war crimes, during the 1990s.  The best-known turbo-folk artist, Ceca (a.k.a. Svetlana Ražnatović), was once married to notorious criminal and paramilitary leader Arkan, until he was assassinated in 2000.  She remains extremely popular in Serbia.

Bears hate her, though.

Kiseloski's plan worked until his generator died.  But then the bear, which seems to have loitered just out of turbo-folk range, returned and destroyed the beehives, stealing the honey and possibly nearby pic-a-nic baskets.  What to do?  Answer: prosecute the bear.

According to the report, the case lasted a year.  It was not clear why this took so long -- they may have been trying to find the bear, which had absconded, or it is possible that there was an earlier conviction that was thrown out due to problems with the lineup used to identify the culprit.

What was the point of convicting the bear, anyway?  The court seems to have reasoned that, ordinarily, convicting the bear would make its owner responsible for the damage.  In this case, the bear was a free agent, but the court apparently extended this doctrine to the state by noting that the bear, an endangered species, was under state protection.  Thus, the effect of the conviction was to force the state to pay the beekeeper's damages, approximately 140,000 denars (which may or may not be a lot).

I suggest that the state try to recover some of these denars by suing the purveyors of turbo-folk for environmental damage and/or bear harassment.  Hey, if the beekeeper won, I don't see why this wouldn't work, too.

Link:  Reuters via Yahoo! News

Bill Would Make KFC the "Official Picnic Food of Kentucky"

On January 18, Kentucky State Rep. Charles Siler introduced a bill that would designate Kentucky Fried Chicken (specifically, Original Recipe) as the state's "official picnic food."  The provision itself is just one sentence, but the preamble offers some interesting details:

WHEREAS, Harland Sanders opened his first restaurant in Corbin, Kentucky in 1930; and

WHEREAS, Kentucky Governor Ruby Laffoon made Harland Sanders an honorary Kentucky Colonel in recognition of his contributions to the state's cuisine in 1936; and

WHEREAS, Colonel Sanders's "Original Recipe" fried chicken was first cooked in Colonel Sanders's restaurant in 1940; and

WHEREAS, the first "Kentucky Fried Chicken" franchise restaurant selling the Original Recipe chicken was opened in 1952; and

WHEREAS, today, the Original Recipe chicken is sold in more than 11,000 Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurants in more than 80 countries and territories around the world, bringing recognition and fame to the Commonwealth of Kentucky;

NOW, THEREFORE,

Be it enacted by the General Assembly of the Commonwealth of Kentucky:

SECTION 1.  A NEW SECTION OF KRS CHAPTER 2 IS CREATED TO READ AS FOLLOWS:

Original Recipe Kentucky Fried Chicken is designated the official picnic food of Kentucky.

The background facts in the "whereas" clauses are a bit of a mixed bag.  It's good to know that KFC actually did get its start in Kentucky, although it's a little disillusioning to learn that Col. Sanders didn't actually serve in the military.

Perhaps predictably, the bill is being opposed by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.  PETA claims that the chickens KFC serves are abused, even tortured, although it wasn't clear from the report whether PETA claims KFC is the one doing the torturing.  (In a related story, Attorney General Michael Mukasey refused to confirm or deny that chickens had been waterboarded, but said that if they were he wasn't sure if that was torture or not anyway).

"If the state legislature moves forward with this one," said PETA vice president Bruce Friedrich, "then they should change Kentucky's state bird from the cardinal to the debeaked, crippled, scalded, diseased, dead chicken."

Link: CBS News
Link: Kentucky State Legislature

UPDATE: Monkey Denied Person Status

As I reported last October, an Austrian court refused to grant Matthew H. Pan legal standing on the grounds that he is a chimpanzee, and it appears that the Supreme Court of Austria has now affirmed that decision.

An animal-rights group had sued on Mr. Pan's behalf after the shelter where he had lived for 25 years declared bankruptcy.  Pan had been shipped to Austria illegally for use in experiments but was found and turned over to the shelter.  The group sought to represent him, or alternatively to have him declared a legal "person" for purposes of preventing someone from buying him and shipping him elsewhere where laws against animal cruelty may not be as strong (such as Michael Vick's backyard).

It was unclear from this report whether or not the court had finally rejected the claim, but the court did deny a petition to appoint a trustee for the chimp and said it would be contacting the European Court of Human Rights.  That is not as far-fetched as it might seem, at least in Europe, where at least two countries have amended their constitutions to provide some level of "human rights" to animals.

In America, of course, there is no such constitutional provision, which may not be that surprising since it sadly took us quite a while even to give all humans human rights.  My understanding is that we currently deal with the animal-rights issue on a species-by-species basis, generally according to the cuteness and/or tastiness of the species involved.  But I'm not an expert in this field.

Link: AP via Law.com
Link: Wikipedia's "Animal Rights" article (surprisingly, but not entirely, neutral)

Jury Finds Pool Store Not Liable For Goose Attack

Earlier this month, a jury in Maryland found against a woman who sued a shopping mall and pool store in Rockville after being attacked by a goose while on the mall's property in 2004.

Suzanne Webster said the goose's ferocious attack had caused her to fall and break her hip.  It appears that employees knew the goose was nesting on the property, but the defendants successfully argued that -- setting aside whether they could be responsible for the goose's decision to attack in the first place -- the goose is a protected species and so they were not allowed to interfere with the goose or the nest in any way.  The plaintiff's attorney argued that the store negligently allowed employees to feed the goose, making the situation worse, but the jury did not agree.

This is at least the fourth animal-attack lawsuit I know of that has failed.  As I previously reported, in 2006 Marcy Meckler sued the Old Orchard Shopping Center in Skokie, Illinois, claiming that it should be liable for the actions of a squirrel that jumped on her leg, causing her to panic, fall and suffer injury.  Like Webster, she also argued that the mall had "encouraged the squirrel" by feeding it.  I can't find any further record of this case, which usually means a case has quietly been dismissed.

You might think that animal-attack claims can't get more tenuous than those, but they can.  In 2005, an Illinois woman sued Lowe's Hardware after a bird flew into the back of her head while she was in the outdoor lawn & garden area.  The woman said that Lowe's was responsible for the bird strike because it "allowed wild birds to enter" said area (namely, the outdoors), thus creating a dangerous condition.  I did find one report stating that this case was dismissed in January 2006.

Finally, I also happen to know that in the late 1990s, a woman sued Sears, Roebuck & Co. making allegations similar to those later made by Meckler.  That woman claimed she fell and hurt herself after panicking when a bat flew at her head.  (A fruit bat of some kind, not a bat that somebody threw at her.)  I know this because we represented Sears in that  case.  It was the only deposition I've ever desperately wanted to take.

After the Maryland verdict, the score in negligent-animal-attack cases is now: Animals 4, Women 0.

Link: WJZ-TV (Baltimore)

Ostrich Murderer Sentenced to Five Months in Jail

Timothy McKevitt, one of the two killers who murdered Gaylord the ostrich last October, has been sentenced to five months in jail.  His accomplice, Jonathon Porter, was released earlier this year after also serving five months for the crime.

As you may recall, but as I will enjoy telling you again, the ostrich slaying came after McKevitt, Porter, and two female companions trespassed on an ostrich ranch south of San Francisco after a night of drinking last Halloween.  The men startled and/or harassed the birds, causing one to attack.  It won the ensuing battle, though it ultimately lost the war when McKevitt and Porter returned with a rifle and shotgun, seeking revenge.

The prosecutor in the matter insisted on describing the motive as "all about male pride," simply because the two young men had the *&%$ kicked out of them by an ostrich named "Gaylord" while their girlfriends laughed at them.

Link: Reuters

Michael Vick Attends PETA Seminar on Empathy for Animals

PETA announced today that on September 18, Michael Vick successfully completed its seminar on "Developing Empathy for Animals," an eight-hour course that concludes with a written exam that PETA described as "rigorous."

Vick was immediately pardoned and given PETA's "Animal Rights Hero" award, after a ticker-tape parade in which he rode along with Jesus in a carriage happily drawn by animals from endangered species.  The parade ended under a rainbow.

Actually, PETA says it still thinks Vick should go to jail and says it told him that before he took the course.  But, it says, he showed up anyway, listened to speakers, took notes, and "even asked questions."  The questions he asked were not reported, nor have I yet been able to find a copy of Vick's answers to the written exam.  (They must be out there somewhere.)  Whether the test is "rigorous" is debatable and might depend on how it is graded.  Among the short-answer questions is this puzzler:

10.  Describe what a dog let into a warm home on a cold night might feel. In contrast, describe what a dog left outside, chained on a cold night, might feel. 

Let's see:  (a) warmer; (b) in contrast, colder?

(Warning: answer above may not result in full credit.)

On the other hand, the required essay questions seem more difficult, including:

Dr. Albert Schweitzer wrote, "In the past we have tried to make a distinction between animals [who] we acknowledge have some value and others [who], having none, can be liquidated when we wish." Please discuss this statement, providing at least one example from modern times.

That one might have been more of a challenge for Mr. Vick, who did not finish college -- which is not at all to say he is stupid, given the size of the NFL contract that was waiting for him.  He just may not have had a chance to fully develop his essay-writing skills.

Coincidentally, Vick is scheduled to be sentenced on December 10 on the federal charges to which he pleaded guilty, and has a November trial date on related state charges.

Link:  ESPN.com
Link:  CNN.com
Link:  PETA's "Developing Empathy for Animals" Seminar

Chimp Will Appeal Denial of Personhood to Austrian Supreme Court

Matthew Pan's legal team says they will appeal an intermediate court's decision to dismiss Pan's case, which would place the matter before the Supreme Court of Austria.  The provincial court affirmed a lower court's decision on the grounds that Pan did not have a legal guardian who could appeal on his behalf, and he cannot yet sue on his own behalf because he is a chimpanzee.

Pan (left) went by the name of "Haisl" until recently, but is named as "Matthew Haisl Pan" in recent court papers.  "Pan" is derived from the Latin name for the species, Pan troglodytes.  "Matthew" is originally derived from the Hebrew for "gift of the Lord."  "Haisl" is just some German thing, so I'll call him "Pan."

The objective is to have Pan declared a legal "person," partly to make a point about animal rights, but also to make it easier to support him financially.  Pan and another chimp were born in Sierra Leone in 1982 and were allegedly stolen and smuggled into Austria for use in experiments.  Customs authorities intercepted the shipment and the two have lived in a shelter ever since.  But the shelter has filed for bankruptcy.  Donors have offered to contribute to the chimps' upkeep, but under Austrian law only a "person" can receive such gifts.  A foundation could be set up, but activists argue that only a declaration of personhood could protect Pan from being sold and moved to another country where he would not have any legal protections.

A British woman applied to be Pan's legal guardian, but the lower court, side-stepping the personhood issue, held that a guardian can only be appointed if a person is mentally impaired or in immediate danger.  (I guess it decided that "mental impairment" is determined relative to the species in question.)  The intermediate court also avoided the issue by holding that without a guardian, there was no one with standing to appeal.

A spokesman for the Association Against Animal Factories, the group supporting Pan's lawsuit, said that it was not trying to have Pan declared a human being, just a legal "person."  The question is, he said, "are chimps things without interests, or persons with interests?  A large section of the public does see chimps as beings with interests.  We are looking forward to hear what the high court has to say on this fundamental question."

It almost certainly won't say anything on that question, following the lead of the lower courts.  But it is an interesting question that won't be going away.  If we have conferred at least limited "person" status on corporations -- which after all don't really exist -- to further certain policy goals, why couldn't the same kind of thing be done for primates, who share 98% of our DNA, at least for similarly limited purposes?  As further evidence of just how similar we are, here's a recent study concluding that when unrelated chimpanzees share resources, it "primarily consists of adult males allowing reproductively cycling females to take food," also described as a "showing-off" or "food-for-sex" strategy.

Sound familiar to anyone?

Link: MSNBC

Mysterious Cat-Napping Terrorizes New Zealand Community

A desperate search continues in New Zealand for Max the Cat, who was abducted recently by a person or persons unknown.  Lisa Morice, Max's companion, posted flyers after Max failed to turn up last week at his home on William Denny Avenue in Westmere, New Zealand.  She got immediate results, but not the kind she expected.

"Almost immediately I received an anonymous call from a man telling me there was a letter about Max in our box," she said.  The writer said Max had been taken 'overseas' and left by some houses on the Northcote Pt side of Onewa Rd."  The letter contained a map showing where the cat had been left, and explained why the abduction had taken place.

"I and others who have lived in our home," the cat-napper wrote, "have had a long and very unsatisfactory relationship with Max, especially our cat who has sustained various injuries, one permanent, in attempting to defend her territory.  Max has been a regular nocturnal invader, eating our cat's food and occasionally defecating in the corner."

"It was high time this came to an end, and our home became our home again," the writer continued.  The incident was triggered by another nocturnal invasion: "Two nights ago, Max crept in at 4am and I played cat and mouse where I was the cat and Max [normally the cat] was the mouse. . . . "After a two-hour chase, where Max demonstrated an intimate knowledge of every hideaway corner of our house, I managed to capture him."  The abductor claimed that because Max had no collar, there was no way to determine who he belonged to.  So, he wrote, "I took him 'overseas' to Onewa Rd and released him there.  I am remaining anonymous for obvious reasons and when you get him back, as I am sure you will, can I suggest that you provide him with a collar and a tag that identifies him as your cat."

The term "overseas" referred to the fact that the location where the victim was dumped is on the other side of a bay that splits the Auckland metro area, as shown by the map below.

Ms. Morice said she understood the writer's frustration but was "horrified at the drastic action he took. . . . It is very weird behavi[or]."  (The brackets there only "correct" the spelling of that last word.  Originally, I quoted it exactly, but eventually I decided that even if they insist on saying "behaviour" down there I don't have to write it that way up here.  Even if I am quoting.  This took about five minutes of my life to consider.)  "We know the person lives very close to us," she said, "but is outside our immediate group of houses. All we want is Max back and we have had a wonderful response from Northcote residents, but as yet without success."

New Zealanders who wrote the Auckland paper to comment on the story were split 3-2 in support of the cat abduction.  "Stephen C." wrote that he fully supported the neighbor's action because he was "sick of people not de-sexing their tomcats" with the result that they get into neighbors' homes, "steal food, and rape other cats."  "Carissa," meanwhile, agreed with Stephen but was less concerned about cat rape than cat food: "I have them coming in at night eating my cat's food regularly," she wrote, "and have thought about doing the same thing."  (You have?  Could someone please make Carissa a sandwich or something?)  But "Wiki" was more supportive, writing that she had faced a similar situation (lost cat, not abducted cat).  "[Dear] distraught cat owner," she wrote, although Morice's actual name was used in the story, "please do not give up hope.  Just 20 minutes ago a neighbour responded to our flyers, now our Baba Boo has been returned, after spending two cold wet nights locked away in an unused old caravan."

But the safe recovery of Baba Boo is likely cold comfort to the Morice family.  As of Sunday the 12th, there was no report that either Max or the cat relocator had been located.

Link: Auckland City Harbour News via Stuff.co.nz

Legal Battle Rages Over Future of Hemingway's Mutant Cats

Reuters News reported this week that the federal government and the local authorities in charge of the Ernest Hemingway Home & Museum in Key West, Florida, are battling over the future status of dozens of cats that roam the grounds of the writer's former home.  Hemingway wrote all or part of many of his most famous works, such as "A Farewell to Arms," at the house, which has been a museum since 1961, a National Historic Landmark since 1968, and is also one of the Keys' major tourist attractions.

It's also up to its @%# in cats.

The cats, which actually are heavily promoted as a tourist attraction by the museum, are mostly descendants of Snowball, a cat given to Hemingway as a gift by a mysterious sea captain.  At least, that's the story the museum tells.  The Reuters report refers to a book claiming that they are actually descended from a neighbor's pet cat Hemingway shot in the head.  He was allegedly trying to put it out of its misery after it had been hit by a car; the cat is said to have lost an eye but survived.  All in all, a slightly less romantic story than the official tale, and it would certainly be a little disappointing to think that Ernest Hemingway, avid sportsman, hunter, safari participant, and author of such manly works as "For Whom the Bell Tolls," was not successful in any sort of battle with the neighbor's cat.  So let's go with the sea captain tale.  In fact, perhaps this was the very same man on whom Hemingway modeled the hero of "The Old Man and the Sea"!  You can't prove it wasn't.

Anyway, however he got the cat, it is likely that many of the current inhabitants are descended from it, because it is known to have had six toes on each foot and about half of the 60 cats there today are also polydactyl.  (Polydactyls?  Polydactylic?  Multi-toed.)  So, the former home of Nobel-Prize-winning author Ernest Hemingway is infested with a bunch of multi-toed mutant cats.  You may be able to see some of them if you tune in to the Hemingway Home Cat Cam.  If so, look to see if any of them look abused, because the SPCA has filed a complaint claiming that they are not treated well, and that some of them have been injured or killed on or near the property.  An inspection report stated that "[I]n 2005 alone, there were 12 occasions when cats left the property; in two of these cases, Hemingway cats were killed by cars."  Well, cats do leave property from time to time, and they don't always cross with the light, but I'm not sure that shows they're being abused.  To tell you the truth, it doesn't sound like it was all that safe for them when Papa was still there.

But the U.S. Department of Agriculture, arguing that the museum is subject to federal regulations, says the house needs a federal Animal Welfare License to keep the cats, as if it was running a circus or zoo.  It is sending an expert from the University of Florida there on July 23 to "observe the cats' mental state and physical condition."  (I'm not sure how you test a cat's "mental state," but I'm not the expert.)  Officials that run the property say that the cats are treated well and point out that they have spent nearly $200,000 to improve cat conditions on the property.  "It's kind of sad," said one, "that a government agency would be spending taxpayers' money on this.  We're against caging them because they're not used to it."  The local government says the feds should butt out, and a federal judge has ordered the parties to "work out their differences."

The museum's website has (besides the Cat Cam) some fun facts about the animals, which for the most part appear to be named after writers or actors.  Some have even written their own messages to you, such as "Emily Dickinson":

A healthy cat with dilute calico fur, I am named for a poetess who lived during the 1800's. Coincidentally she wrote about 1800 poems during her lifetime. She was recluse but I am not. I spend my time sprawled near the guest house so people can see me and admire my extra toes.

Sounds to me like she is doing fine.

Link: Reuters via Yahoo! News
Link: The Ernest Hemingway Home & Museum
Link: Some of Its Cats, and Also One Rooster
Link: The Hemingway Home Cat Cam

UPDATE: Rooster Killer Gets Probation

As I reported last year, Humberto Rodriguez was arrested in Manhattan and charged with animal cruelty for biting the head off his pet rooster, even though Rodriguez explained that he was only retaliating for the rooster's unprovoked attack on his pet pigeon.  A neighbor spotted the victim's headless torso on the fire escape outside Rodriguez's apartment and called the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.

Allegedly, Rodriguez admitted the deed to ASPCA police, although his story was a little inconsistent.  He was quoted as saying, "I killed the rooster.  I bit the head off.  I bit the rooster's neck.  He died, and then I cut its head off with a knife."  Well, all the important details are consistent, I suppose.  What the report did not explain is who the "ASPCA police" are -- so far as I can tell, this is not an independent police force run by the ASPCA, but a program where actual police officers can get a certification in New York humane law, and then be deployed to protect roosters, etc.  (Those of you who watch "Animal Precinct" apparently will already know this.)

Rodriguez faced up to a year in jail for the rooster murder, but agreed on Monday to a plea deal that would spare him jail time if he is not arrested during the next six months.  I assume that means an arrest on any charge, not just duplicating his prior offense and thus becoming a serial bird killer.  According to the ASPCA, it is illegal even to possess a live rooster in the city (have they ever been to Chinatown?), but if you do have one you certainly can't kill it.

The rooster's head was never found.

Link: CBS News

Charges Dropped Against Woman Arrested for Making Faces at Police Dog

A Vermont prosecutor has dropped dog-taunting charges against Jayna Hutchinson of Lebanon, New Hampshire, thus possibly averting a constitutional showdown over free expression.

Hutchinson was arrested on July 31 after police responded to reports of a brawl going on at a market in the town of West Fairlee.  Hutchinson was not part of the brawl, and in fact approached the officers to tell them that she had been assaulted the day before by one of the men who was fighting.  But the officers refused to take her statement, noting that she appeared to be drunk (she was) and telling her that they would take a statement another time.  That did not please Hutchinson, and after words were exchanged she then allegedly approached the police car and engaged in the dog-taunting behavior.

According to Sgt. Todd Protzman's affidavit, Hutchinson approached the car, put her face close to the window behind which police dog Max was minding his own police business and "star[ed] at him in a taunting/harassing manner."  (Most reports of this incident claim that Hutchinson "made faces" at the dog, and that may be true but the details of any such faces were not provided.  It makes a good headline, however.)  The affidavit was not so clear as to why this justified an arrest.  "While the defendant taunted my canine," Sgt. Protzman wrote, "Max was focused on the defendant and the perceived threat she presented to him.  He was no longer focused on me and the other officers at the scene."  This may be an argument that Max could not perform his duties due to the distraction of Hutchinson's glare, but since Max was evidently still sitting inside the police car and not performing any duties, it sounds more like they were just jealous.

Whatever the reason, the officers arrested Hutchinson, and added a charge for resisting arrest when she struggled.  She was scheduled to go to trial today (Thursday) on that charge and a charge of cruelty to a police animal, but on Tuesday the prosecutor, Will Porter, decided to drop the charges.  Having watched a video of the event over the weekend, Porter said he had decided that it would be difficult to prove that the defendant's conduct had actually changed the dog's behavior.  "Most of the time [in harassment cases] people would come tell the court what it felt like," Porter said.  "Dogs can't do that."  Really?  Why not put Max on the stand and have Hutchinson make a face at him, sort of like how they always ask witnesses to point at the defendant if they see him or her in the courtroom?  Let the jury decide.

How many more police dogs have to be stared at in this country before we start taking this kind of thing seriously?

Link: CBS News

UPDATE: Defendants Cleared of Ostrich-Impotency Charges

Three teenagers in Bautzen, Germany, will have to pay less than $200 in costs after a court ruled that the ostrich farmer who sued them could not prove that they had caused his prize breeding ostrich, Gustav, to become impotent.

Ladies and gentlemen, only here, perhaps, will you find such intensive and continuing coverage of these most important cases of our day.

As you may recall from prior coverage, Rico Gabel had sued the teens alleging that the fireworks they set off near Gustav had caused him stress, rendering the "previously lustful Gustav apathetic and depressed" and unable to perform.  Gabel calculated his damages according to the number of offspring Gustav allegedly would have generated during the six-month outage, had he been able to perform up to his previously lustful standards.

But when the case went to trial in March (and I assume the proceedings were not continuous, because I don't see how it takes three months to try an ostrich-impotency case), the court called its own expert who did not support the farmer's claim.  Expert Christoph Kistner testified that while ostriches do become stressed upon hearing loud noises, he did not believe there was a connection between the stress and the infertility since there is no evidence that stress affects ostrich sperm production.  The report did not explain whether this hypothesis has been tested -- and if it has, I'd very much like to know how -- but the judge accepted the testimony and ruled against the farmer.

The teens will have to pay his vet bills, presumably for the stress they caused Gustav, but not the nearly $7,000 in lost-offspring damages that Gabel was seeking.

Link: Houston Chronicle

Class Members Sought for Anti-Shark Litigation

This helpful update appeared in today's "Legal Headlines" email from FindLaw:

PERSONAL INJURY

Boy, 12, Bitten By Shark Off Fla. Coast

Well, that is a "personal injury," no doubt about it.  I'm just not sure what the legal ramifications are, or who Boy's family will be able to sue for this.  Some ideas:

    1. Shark.
        Pro: did it.
        Con: long gone by now, no deep pockets (no pockets at all, in fact).

     2. Lifeguard.
        Pro: can be found, might possibly have been negligent in some way.
        Con: pockets not much deeper than shark's.

     3. Energy industry.
         Pro: can be found, has deep pockets, contributes to global warming that caused Boy to enter ocean seeking relief, Al Gore available as expert witness.
         Con: Al Gore available as expert witness.

     4. Captain Quint.
         Pro: Not very likeable; negligent actions off Long Island rendered boat and crew unable to catch further sharks, making injury to Boy more likely.
         Con: was eaten.

     5. Toy manufacturers.
         Pro: wholly non-threatening and toothless shark-like stuffed animals and pool toys led Boy to believe sharks were not dangerous; should have carried label that warned of enhanced danger from real sharks in real ocean.
         Con: is dumb, but no dumber than a lot of other cases out there.

I think the nation's toy makers should get ready for an expensive class action.

Link: AP via FindLaw.com

Jackass Testifies

The AP reported on Wednesday that the first witness called in a lawsuit between two Dallas neighbors "walked to the bench and stared at the jury."  This is not normally something you would encourage a witness to do, but in this case it was exactly what the party wanted.

The witness was Buddy, a donkey that belongs to attorney Gregory Shamoun.  Shamoun was involved in a dispute with his neighbor, John Cantrell, who complained about a storage shed Shamoun was building in his backyard.  Cantrell alleged that Shamoun then retaliated by bringing Buddy from his ranch and putting him in the backyard, to irritate Cantrell.  "They bray a lot any time day or night," Cantrell said.  "You never know when they're going to cut loose."

Shamoun decided on the risky tactic of actually bringing Buddy to court and letting the jurors hear, or not hear, from him directly.  (Not since O.J. tried on the bloody glove has such a daring courtroom tactic been employed.)  And Shamoun got away with it, apparently, since Buddy (who was more likely an "exhibit" than a "witness") was described as "the picture of a gentle, well-mannered creature and not the loud, aggressive animal he had been accused of being."

Buddy prepares for his dramatic testimony.
(Note patriotic American-flag bandanna.)

Nor did Exhibit A leave any Exhibit Bs behind on the courtroom floor, which probably also helped.

Shamoun's claim was that Buddy was at his home not to irritate Cantrell, but to serve as a surrogate mother for a calf that needed to be bottle-fed.  The article did not explain why the calf was there in the first place.

It is unclear whether Buddy's courtroom demeanor carried the day, because the case settled while the jury was still deliberating.  Shamoun agreed to buy some of Cantrell's land, and Cantrell dropped his complaint.

Link: Yahoo! News

Ostrich Murderer Walks Away With Five-Month Sentence

The San Francisco Chronicle reported on March 29 that a man who murdered an ostrich late last year had been released from jail after serving only a five-month sentence for animal abuse.

This despite the fact that it was a cold-blooded, premeditated murder carried out for revenge.

According to the report, Jonathon Porter and a friend, Timothy McKevitt, "got in trouble after they took some women to an ostrich ranch after a party last Halloween."  As any drunken armed male ostrich farmer could tell you, women, ostriches, liquor and firearms just do not mix.

Porter's attorney described what happened.  "Apparently the young ladies expressed an interest in seeing the ostriches," he said.  Apparently there were no air quotes around "seeing the ostriches," and so they actually went to an ostrich farm and began to bother an ostrich.  "That all sounded like a good idea," the attorney continued, "until the ostrich physically attacked [the two men], and apparently he got the better of them."  According to the police report, both men were brutally kicked into submission by the ostrich, McKevitt actually being knocked to the ground by the savage bird, who, to make matters worse, is flightless, and who, to make matters even worse, is named "Gaylord."  A district attorney took up the story, saying that "at that point, the crucial thing happened.  Apparently the girls started laughing."

For Gaylord, the female laughter was a death sentence.  "We knew what had to be done," Porter told police afterward.  Yes, after being humiliated by an ostrich, there is only one thing a man can do.  Porter and McKevitt took the women out of harm's way, and out of laughing distance, armed themselves with a rifle and shotgun, and returned to the farm.  Gaylord then paid the price for his arrogance, dying in a hail of bullets.

Porter, who was already on probation, was taken into custody and effectively served five months in jail for the killing.  McKevitt has pleaded not guilty to felony animal abuse and is scheduled for trial in July.

Predictably, the two attorneys each had a different take on the matter.  Porter's attorney conceded that he would "hesitate to ascribe any sort of rational motive" to the ostrich revenge killing, which sort of sounds like there might possibly be a rational motive for an ostrich revenge killing, if only we looked into the matter more closely.  "It was a cross between being really startled by the ostrich and the alcohol," he continued (which is the first time I've heard of someone being startled by alcohol), which "led to a really bad decision."  But the district attorney had a different view.  "This whole thing is about male pride," he said.  "The ostrich knocked them both on their butts."

Link: SFGate.com

UPDATE: Settlement Talks Break Down in Case of Previously Lustful Ostrich

I reported recently on a case in Germany in which an ostrich rancher had sued three teenagers for allegedly making one of his ostriches impotent by throwing firecrackers at it.  Happily (for me), the parties have so far failed to reach a settlement that was expected on Monday, and so another hearing has been set for June 4.

The rancher claims that Gustav was rendered impotent due to post-traumatic stress he suffered from the incident.  Gustav is apparently the only male breeding ostrich on the ranch, or at least I assume he is because his owner alleges that he would have been presented with 14 additional chicks but for Gustav's incapacity.  By the way, in case you've ever wondered what the expression on an impotent ostrich's face might look like, it would look something like this:

Fig. 1: The steely glare of a sexually frustrated male ostrich.

That's actually an AFP file photo, not Gustav specifically, but I'm sure he looks a lot like that, assuming he is still in the same condition.

The three teenagers deny throwing fireworks at Gustav, but do admit lobbing other things at him, so that's not much of a defense.  They have already agreed to work on the ranch as punishment, apparently to work off the 5,000 euros that the rancher is seeking, but the parties failed to reach agreement Monday on the issue of how many hours the boys must work.  They have offered 40, but the rancher is demanding 80 -- which would still work out to $27.71 per hour, not a bad rate for ostrich work.

The June 4 hearing will feature the testimony of a veterinary expert, presumably as to the possible effects of fright on ostrich libido.

Link: AFP via Yahoo! News

German Teenagers Accused of Proximately Causing Ostrich Impotency

On Monday, a court in Bautzen, Germany, will hear the case of an ostrich farmer who alleges that three teenagers frightened his male ostrich so badly with fireworks that it was unable to breed for six months.  This cost the farmer a number of tiny ostriches and likely cost Gustav the Ostrich most of his self-esteem.

The farmer, Rico Gabel, who has a farm near Dresden, is demanding $6,450 in damages for the offspring of which he believes he was deprived.  (Gustav had two female breeding partners.  This story isn't that weird.)  The lawsuit alleges that the teenagers set off fireworks near the farm in late 2005, scaring the mojo out of the bird and rendering it apathetic, depressed, and unable or unwilling to breed until late in 2006.  (The AP report refers to the ostrich as "the previously lustful Gustav," which is a great line whether it is in the complaint or not.)

Ostrich chicks apparently are worth about $460 each, and Gabel estimates that 14 were not fathered by the previously lustful Gustav during his six-month despondency.

Link: AP via Yahoo! News

Brat's Screaming Ruled Proximate Cause of Chicken Tragedy

A court in Nanjing, China, has ruled that a man must compensate a local chicken farmer for hundreds of chickens allegedly killed by the man's four-year-old son.  The man was making a delivery to the farm when his son, who had gone with him, probably now for the last time, was scared by a barking dog.  The dog scared the boy, the boy began screaming, the screaming scared the chickens, 443 chickens trampled each other to death in fear, and thousands of future law students are now stuck with yet another freaky causation hypothetical.

The Nanjing court found that the boy's screaming was the "only unexpected abnormal sound" that could have caused the chicken stampede, and ordered his father to pay 1,800 yuan, about $230.  Apparently a chicken's life is worth no more than fifty-two cents on the mean streets of Nanjing's chicken farms.

Link: Yahoo! News

Snakes'-Rights Activists Put Indian Snake Charmers Out of Work

Hunting or keeping snakes has been illegal in India since the passage of the Wildlife Protection Act of 1972.  That law has been widely flouted (or maybe fluted) by snake charmers who pursued their art for centuries before the WPA was around, but "growing environmental awareness" has now caused the government to crack down on the turbanned reptile exploiters.

"We now have accepted the fact that we cannot perform with snakes," said Hawa Singh Nath, a 68-year-old New Delhi resident who evidently speaks for all of India's snake charmers.  (Maybe he's head of the union.)  This may be sort of a mixed bag, however, since although a lot of snake charmers are now out of a job, the job they are out of seems to have sucked to begin with.  "At the best of times," said the report, "snake charming is not a profitable profession," and the charmers tend to "live in squalid settlements on the outskirts of cities . . . ."  Nath confirmed that under the new regime, "[w]e are hardly earning half of what we used to earn before," which has presumably doubled the squalidity quotent of charmer settlements.

But there's no stopping the resourceful snake charmers of Rajasthan [or insert your favorite Indian state].  Having accepted the new snakes'-rights agenda, they are turning to other jobs to survive, primarily involving their skills with the flute.  Many now do weddings or birthday parties, or just perform their ancient music sans reptile.  Nath himself performed at the Dubai Film Festival in 2005.  Other charmers have reinvented themselves as guides at animal centers or forestry offices, where they tell visitors about their revered snakes (typically cobras), which appear in Hindu texts, often associated with the deity Shiva.

In the movie version of this story, the millions of now-uncharmed snakes lurking around India will start carrying off children and cows, and possibly even infiltrate airplanes (although that seems very unlikely and would certainly make for a stupid movie).  Eventually, the last of the Indian snake charmers will come out of retirement and flute the country back to safety.  It sort of sounds like Rocky Balboa, except with millions of snakes and no Sylvester Stallone.

Link: Reuters via Yahoo! News

Pet Owners Sue Over Agents' Failure to Make Them Stars

Earlier this month, a group of California pet owners sued Hollywood Paws, LLC, claiming that the company had not made good on promises that it would turn their pets into media stars.  The owners allege that Hollywood Paws accepted thousands of dollars from them but did not or could not get their pets into acting jobs.

According to the report, Rachel Armstrong, owner of Goliath the Rottweiler, said she believed her dog "had the 'cool' factor that would get him into music videos" and had paid nearly $2000 hoping to advance that dream.  (As the submitter of this story commented, it may be a while since Ms. Armstrong has seen a music video, if ever, because dogs typically do not star in those productions.)  In fact, Goliath was actually rejected by "The Tyra Banks Show," which is a sad commentary indeed.

Hollywood Paws does say on its website that completing its courses (which include training dogs and cats to freeze, crawl or scratch on command) will not guarantee stardom, and the company's owner said the lawsuit was baseless and that the owners should never have expected pet fame.  "Everybody knows . . . that there are actors and actresses waiting on tables until a part comes along," he said.  "Who in L.A. doesn't know this?"

Link: Daily Southtown.com (Chicago Sun-Times affiliate)

Airport Screeners Directed Not to Touch Your Monkey

The always-vigilant Transportation Security Agency has promulgated rules governing the security procedures to be implemented when a disabled traveler is traveling with a service animal, in case al Queda figures out how to pack a bunch of explosives into a dog or cat or helper monkey.

The TSA's guidelines for helper-monkey security are reproduced below, with one addition that I made up.  If you can guess which one is fake without checking the TSA site, then you would likely qualify as a TSAMHSS (Transportation Security Agency Monkey Helper Security Specialist).  Actually, you could probably qualify with a high-school diploma or equivalent, but try to guess anyway.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monkey Helpers

• When a monkey is being transported in a carrier, the monkey must be removed from the carrier by the handler prior to screening[.]
• The monkey must be controlled by the handler throughout the screening process.
• The monkey handler should carry the monkey through the WTMD [metal detector] while the monkey remains on a leash.
• When the handler and monkey go through the WTMD and the WTMD alarms, both the handler and the monkey must undergo additional screening.
• Since monkeys may likely draw attention, the handler will be escorted to the physical inspection area where a table is available for the monkey to sit on.  Only the handler will touch or interact with the monkey.
• TSOs have been trained to not touch the monkey during the screening process.
• TSOs will conduct a visual inspection on the monkey and will coach the handler on how to hold the monkey during the visual inspection.
• The inspection process may require that the handler take off the monkey’s diaper as part of the visual inspection.   

Okay, they're all real.  And I'm sorry, but if the War on Terror really requires me to potentially search a monkey's diaper, then I surrender.  The terrorists have already won if they have really forced us to choose between security and the freedom not to root around in a chimp's underpants.  I mean, please.

It is sad to know that the TSA will not touch my monkey.  But they can still love him!  Ihn lieben!  Meinen Helferaffen lieben!

Link: Transportation Security Agency
Link: BoingBoing.net

Woman Sues Mall for Aiding and Abetting Squirrel Attack

In a lawsuit filed Monday in Cook County Circuit Court, Marcy Meckler alleges that the owners and employees of the Old Orchard Shopping Center in Skokie are responsible for injuries she suffered on December 3, 2004, when she was attacked by a squirrel.

This seems like a good point to stop and reflect on the competing theories of causality and the possible interconnectedness of the universe.  Some believe that events occur by chance and that what may seem to be order in those events is actually something that is imposed by the human mind, seeking to make sense of a chaotic universe and seeing patterns and connections where none exist.  Others see the hand of God, or some sort of divine force, as the only explanation for the synchronicity of distant and seemingly unrelated events that nonetheless appear to be ultimately component parts of a much larger and coherent plan.

Which sort of theory explains the fact that a small rodent in Skokie, Illinois, would leap upon the leg of an unsuspecting woman, who would then fall to the ground, suffering allegedly severe physical and mental injuries that would lead her, almost two years later, to sue the shopping center on the grounds that it was responsible for "encouraging the squirrel" to be in its courtyard and for "failing to warn the plaintiff of the squirrel's presence," and that the lawsuit would be reported at a time when I, an attorney who once defended a very similar lawsuit by a woman who was attacked by a bat that she claimed flew out of a Sears store, causing her to fall and break her hip, would have available to me something called a "blog" on which I could reach many others with this story almost instantly, which, by delaying my departure for work slightly and also putting me in a state of extreme happiness, virtually ensures that I will be hit by a bus as soon as I leave the house?  I cannot say.

I can only be grateful, if a bit chapped about the whole bus thing.

Link: cbs2chicago.com

New York Man Violates Two Rooster Laws at Once

According to this Associated Press article, it is illegal to possess a live rooster in New York City.  That's good to know.  Also illegal: biting off its head.

Even if you have a good reason, as Humberto Rodriguez said he did.  After agents (apparently ASPCA agents who responded to a complaint) found a headless rooster on the fire escape, Rodriguez told them he bit the rooster's head off because he blamed it for injuring his pet pigeon.  For which there is only one penalty.

Having personally beheaded his pet to keep order in the household, and then admitting the same, Rodriguez was arrested on charges of animal cruelty and faces up to a year in prison.  The ASPCA released a photo depicting an X-ray of the decapitated chicken, which made me wonder why, exactly, somebody bothered to do an X-ray.  The cause of death is relatively clear.  This was not a case for CSI.  I guess it is to get the publicity effect in the least offensive way possible.

A spokesman said Friday night that he did not know whether Rodriguez had a lawyer, so, New York readers, here's your chance.

Link: AP via My Way News

Angry Parrot Leads Police to Thief

Police in southwestern England were able to track down a bird thief (apparently at the top of their to-do list these days) after the parrot he stole managed to leave them a vital clue.  Tristand Maidment stole Mickey the Macaw from a pet shop in Frome, England, last month, after a lengthy search to find a pet with a name dumber than his own.

Though Maidment said he did not remember it, Mickey bit him during the struggle, or fracas, or whatever you would call this kind of a fight, and the bite was apparently serious enough to leave a trail of blood that police were able to use to obtain a DNA match.

Mickey's owner was not surprised by the heroism of his parrot, who he described as "notoriously bad-tempered."

Link: AP via MyWay News

Criminal Cat Spared, Gets Home Detention

Lewis the Cat, who has terrorized her neighborhood in Fairfield, Connecticut, was granted a stay of execution and placed on probation.

Link: CNN.com

Feud A'brewin Over Appalachian Pet Ownership

The Collins family of Melvin, Kentucky (that's Floyd County) loves Kitty and ain't a-gonna give him up.  "He's not bothering nobody," says Barry Collins.  But the Hall family does not like Kitty.  "I think [Kitty] needs to be in a different environment," said Pauline Hall, who lives a few houses away.  "Everybody here keeps their guns loaded."

Oh -- "Kitty" is a 450-pound lion.  I should have said.

Barry Collins bought Kitty as a cub at a flea market (I guess you really can get anything at those flea markets) about three years ago.  Kitty was only five pounds then, and probably oh so cute.  He is now ninety times bigger, hence the concerns of other residents.  But Mr. Collins insisted that Kitty was not dangerous and that he did not feel Kitty was a threat to his children, though they are all still at their tastiest, aged 1, 3, and 5.

County attorney Keith Bartley said that he shares the concerns but that Kitty appears to be legal.  Mr. Collins got a permit to bring the lion into the state in the first place and has a license to keep it.  There is now a state regulation that prohibits transporting "inherently dangerous" animals, a category that includes lions, but that rule was not in effect when Kitty was brought to Floyd County and does not apply retroactively.  So opponents are sponsoring a county ordinance as the only way to remove Kitty the Lion from the county.

Collins claims that he bought Kitty to rescue him from poor conditions at the flea market, which sounds reasonable except that Kitty is currently housed in a 300-square-foot chain-link cage.  Which I'm sure is very well constructed to prevent the escape of a 450-pound lion that is almost certainly being constantly taunted by plump, succulent children aged 1, 3, and 5.

Link: Findlaw

DNA Links Dog to Cat Murder

Marylin Christian found her cat Cody dead in her front yard last summer, apparently the victim of an attack by another animal.  She suspected her neighbors' dog, Lucky, but officials investigating the murder were unable to make a case because there were no witnesses to the crime.  (I guess motive was clear, at least.)

Unwilling to leave a killer at large, Christian decided to try DNA analysis.  The neighbors, who apparently do not watch enough "Law & Order," cooperated by providing hair and saliva samples from the accused.  A lab found a match between that DNA and the DNA found on the victim's body.

Based on that evidence, she asked the county to declare Lucky a dangerous dog, which would have carried consequences including requiring the neighbors to buy $50,000 in liability insurance.  County officials, however, have refused to accept the test results (the article did not say why) and again declined to arrest the suspect without any witnesses.

Another killer walking the streets because of bureaucracy.

AP via MyWay.com

PETA Staffer Changes Name to "Kentucky Fried Cruelty"

The youth-outreach coordinator for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, formerly known as "Chris Garnett," has legally changed his name to "KentuckyFriedCruelty.com" to further PETA's protest against Kentucky Fried Chicken for alleged chicken abuse.

"People don't believe me at first when I tell them my name," said KentuckyFriedCruelty.com, but "many vow to boycott KFC after I explain the company's indifference to cruelty to animals."  PETA claims that video footage shot last year at a KFC supplier plant in West Virginia shows alleged mistreatment of birds.  (If I remember correctly, they were tossing birds around.)  KFC's parent company has disputed the claims and in June a grand jury refused to return any indictments in the case.

Pam Anderson, however, has not yet closed her investigation into the matter.  The abuse "is awful and has to stop," she said in a statement.  "I'm sure Chris [sic] can't wait 'till KFC stops torturing chickens so he can change his name back."

AP via SFGate.com
KentuckyFriedCruelty.com

Officer Hospitalized after Chihuahua Attack

A police officer in Fremont, California, was hospitalized yesterday after he was attacked by a pack of Chihuahuas.

He suffered severe bite wounds to his ankles.

I know that sounds like a Steven Wright joke, but it's true.

SF Chronicle

Where Not to Flee After Robbing Someone, #174

Into the tiger den at the zoo.

Officials at this particular zoo, in Bloemfontein, South Africa, have said the Bengal tigers in question "will not be destroyed because they were blameless."

AP via SFGate.com

Police Dog Sued

Andi, a police dog who works for the sheriff's department in Athens, Ohio, has been named in a lawsuit by an alleged drug dealer who was convicted based in part on a search conducted by Andi.  The AP report did not say what causes of action had been brought against the dog by the plaintiff, Wayne Green, but they are likely some kind of civil rights allegations.

Green was tried and convicted last month after a search of his property turned up 50 pounds of marijuana.  He is seeking $450,000 in damages in the suit, which also names the sheriff, police investigators, and the trial judge who admitted the marijuana into evidence.  "That dog could've done something to me or one of my attendants," Green said, invoking the rule that allows tort claims for harm that "coulda happened to plaintiff or somebody plaintiff knows, but didn't."  Green added, "They've got a mean ol' dog, you know what I'm saying?  I take that pretty serious."  Green wants Andi "charged with several different felony counts."

The mean ol' dog defendant was served with the complaint last Thursday, and signed for the delivery with a paw print.  County Prosecutor David Warren said it was the first time Andi or any other county dog had been sued, and has volunteered to handle Andi's defense personally.

AP via MyWay.com