Lowering the Bar

"The Secret": Your Path to Happiness, Love, Litigation

Some of you may be familiar with "The Secret," an enormous bestseller that encourages people to follow the "law of attraction," which I thought was something that made people hang out near playgrounds but which turns out to be "an ancient principle that holds that the universe will make your wishes come true if only you really, truly believe in them."

I agree there is an ancient principle at work here, but it's one I refer to as "bullshit."

The Secret was discovered, or rediscovered, or whatever, by Rhonda Byrne, who has made millions from the book and DVD versions.  Byrne's website, which is not secret, does not state exactly what the Secret is, although you can "Own the Secret" on DVD for just $19.95, or in book form for just $16.95.  (Here's another secret -- you can get it on Amazon.com for $14.37.  But don't.)

Now there is at least some evidence that the Law of Attraction does not always deliver on its promise of unlimited happiness and prosperity, namely a federal lawsuit.  On April 25, James Heriot, the director of the movie version of "The Secret," sued Byrne and her production company in the Northern District of Illinois, alleging that Byrne is not sharing the profits generated by the ancient principle as she had promised to do.  He is claiming up to half of the "Secret" profits, which he estimates at about $300 million.

Heriot wants to make clear, however, that just because the main purveyors of "The Secret" are now at each other's throats does not mean that "The Secret" isn't "The Secret" to unlimited happiness as they have been saying:

To all who have been inspired by "The Secret," [Heriot said in a statement issued through his law firm,] please know that I am not suing the universal principles of "The Secret." Rather, I am suing the corporate principals behind "The Secret," who promised at the outset that profits would be shared, and who have not kept faith with "The Secret"'s tenets of gratitude and integrity."

Got it -- universal principles not being sued, integrity of Secret unquestioned.

In fact, it seems hard to say whether this does call the validity of "The Secret" into question.  On one hand, it seems unlikely that Byrne's wishes included attracting a federal lawsuit.  On the other, isn't Heriot just following her advice by hoping that his wishes for $150 million will come true if only he really, truly believes in them and prevails in a copyright lawsuit?  Does "The Secret" describe how the ancient principle applies when two people wish for the same thing with all their hearts in federal court?  I hope the universe will provide the answers to these questions, or at least will deliver more comical "Secret"-generated lawsuit stories.

Byrne told the New York Times last year that "The Secret" was never about profit; she simply wanted to give her knowledge to the world, so that others could discover what they were intended to do with their lives as she had.  "One of the big things in discovering the secret," she said, "was discovering me."  And there is more discovery of her coming in the near future.  Byrne's deposition in a second case related to Secret profits is set for May 6, in Los Angeles.

Link: New York Times

UPDATE: Battle Over Cat Jurisdiction Enters Fifth Year

Back in July, I reported on a dispute between federal and local authorities as to who had jurisdiction over the descendants of Ernest Hemingway's mutant six-toed cat.  (See Legal Battle Rages Over Future of Hemingway's Mutant Cats, July 19, 2007.)  I'm pleased to say it's back in the news.

An allegedly disgruntled former volunteer seems to have complained to the Department of Agriculture that the cats, which have roamed the grounds of Hemingway's former home for the past 40 years or so, were not being treated properly.  This caused the USDA to spring into action.  (Did they ever find that guy who mailed the anthrax?  Maybe I missed it.)  The USDA argued that the cats were "on exhibit" and so needed the protection of federal laws that apply to zoos and circuses.  Attorneys for the Hemingway Home and Museum attorneys have said the cats are just fine and that they are local cats, not a federal concern.  "They're not sold, they're not transferred, they're not moved, they're not disrupted, they're not eaten," said Cara Higgins, representing the museum and in charge of listing things not being done to the cats.  "I can't imagine," she continued, "why the USDA, why the federal government, would have an interest in a handful of local cats."  Or the power to do anything about it, unless the cats are somehow involved in interstate commerce.  (It's a National Historic Landmark, but still.)

But the USDA wanted the cats rounded up and caged every night, said another HH&M representative, Mike Morawski, despite the fact that they have been free-range felines all their lives.  "Our vet," said Morawski, "who comes on the property weekly, thought [the caging would be] extremely traumatic for any of our cats, much less the cats that have lived on this property the last 10 to 15 years of their life."  More traumatic: being the intern whose job it is to round up 40 six-toed, 24-clawed cats every night and force them all into cages.

In July, the Feds were considering sending a cat inspector over there from the University of Florida to make sure everything was okay.  According to a recent CBS News report, the university's cat expert found that the animals were in fact "well cared for, healthy and content."  But according to the report, the battle continues.

CBS attempted to estimate how many federal tax dollars have been spent in the government's attempts to police cat conditions in Key West, but the USDA would not respond to its requests for information.  CBS was able to determine that the dispute, which has been pending in one way or another for five years, has involved at least 270 person-hours by three government lawyers, four inspectors, six veterinarians, and 14 field trips by one or more USDA personnel to Key West, during some of which the agents actually went undercover.  "They pose as tourists and get pictures and surreptitiously tape the cats," said Higgins.

Pictures and video of Hemingway Home & Museum and its cats are available by going to the museum's website, but you probably can get better shots undercover.

Has all this been a little silly? CBS asked Morawski.  "It's been a lot silly."

Link: CBS News
Link: The Ernest Hemingway Home and Museum

Legal Battle Rages Over Future of Hemingway's Mutant Cats

Reuters News reported this week that the federal government and the local authorities in charge of the Ernest Hemingway Home & Museum in Key West, Florida, are battling over the future status of dozens of cats that roam the grounds of the writer's former home.  Hemingway wrote all or part of many of his most famous works, such as "A Farewell to Arms," at the house, which has been a museum since 1961, a National Historic Landmark since 1968, and is also one of the Keys' major tourist attractions.

It's also up to its @%# in cats.

The cats, which actually are heavily promoted as a tourist attraction by the museum, are mostly descendants of Snowball, a cat given to Hemingway as a gift by a mysterious sea captain.  At least, that's the story the museum tells.  The Reuters report refers to a book claiming that they are actually descended from a neighbor's pet cat Hemingway shot in the head.  He was allegedly trying to put it out of its misery after it had been hit by a car; the cat is said to have lost an eye but survived.  All in all, a slightly less romantic story than the official tale, and it would certainly be a little disappointing to think that Ernest Hemingway, avid sportsman, hunter, safari participant, and author of such manly works as "For Whom the Bell Tolls," was not successful in any sort of battle with the neighbor's cat.  So let's go with the sea captain tale.  In fact, perhaps this was the very same man on whom Hemingway modeled the hero of "The Old Man and the Sea"!  You can't prove it wasn't.

Anyway, however he got the cat, it is likely that many of the current inhabitants are descended from it, because it is known to have had six toes on each foot and about half of the 60 cats there today are also polydactyl.  (Polydactyls?  Polydactylic?  Multi-toed.)  So, the former home of Nobel-Prize-winning author Ernest Hemingway is infested with a bunch of multi-toed mutant cats.  You may be able to see some of them if you tune in to the Hemingway Home Cat Cam.  If so, look to see if any of them look abused, because the SPCA has filed a complaint claiming that they are not treated well, and that some of them have been injured or killed on or near the property.  An inspection report stated that "[I]n 2005 alone, there were 12 occasions when cats left the property; in two of these cases, Hemingway cats were killed by cars."  Well, cats do leave property from time to time, and they don't always cross with the light, but I'm not sure that shows they're being abused.  To tell you the truth, it doesn't sound like it was all that safe for them when Papa was still there.

But the U.S. Department of Agriculture, arguing that the museum is subject to federal regulations, says the house needs a federal Animal Welfare License to keep the cats, as if it was running a circus or zoo.  It is sending an expert from the University of Florida there on July 23 to "observe the cats' mental state and physical condition."  (I'm not sure how you test a cat's "mental state," but I'm not the expert.)  Officials that run the property say that the cats are treated well and point out that they have spent nearly $200,000 to improve cat conditions on the property.  "It's kind of sad," said one, "that a government agency would be spending taxpayers' money on this.  We're against caging them because they're not used to it."  The local government says the feds should butt out, and a federal judge has ordered the parties to "work out their differences."

The museum's website has (besides the Cat Cam) some fun facts about the animals, which for the most part appear to be named after writers or actors.  Some have even written their own messages to you, such as "Emily Dickinson":

A healthy cat with dilute calico fur, I am named for a poetess who lived during the 1800's. Coincidentally she wrote about 1800 poems during her lifetime. She was recluse but I am not. I spend my time sprawled near the guest house so people can see me and admire my extra toes.

Sounds to me like she is doing fine.

Link: Reuters via Yahoo! News
Link: The Ernest Hemingway Home & Museum
Link: Some of Its Cats, and Also One Rooster
Link: The Hemingway Home Cat Cam

New ABA Book To Convince Kids That Lawyers are Totally Awesome

Many of you may have received an email from the American Bar Association plugging a book called Leapholes by James Grippando, who has written a number of popular novels for grownups. But Leapholes is for young readers (middle-school young, not new-associate young). Here's how the ABA blurb describes this book:

Leapholes is the fascinating story of Ryan Coolidge, a boy who hates middle school and who is in the worst kind of trouble -- trouble with the law. The one person who can help Ryan is a mysterious old African-American lawyer named Hezekiah. Hezekiah may have magical powers, or he may have the most elaborate computerized law library ever conceived. Either way, together, Ryan and Hezekiah do their legal research by zooming through "leapholes," physically entering the law books, and coming face-to-face with actual people from some of our nation's most famous cases--like Rosa Parks and Dred Scott--who will help Ryan defend himself in court.

I understand how important it is that kids learn about the Dred Scott case, but I'm not really sure that Ryan and Hezekiah actually want Dred to help in court. Hey, Dred, we're proud to have you here with us at the table, but why don't you let Hezekiah do the talking, okay?

The mysterious Hezekiah, who I assume will be played by Morgan Freeman in the movie version of Leapholes, must be pretty damn mysterious if it is that hard to tell whether he has magical powers or just a really "elaborate computerized law library." I would guess it's the former because our library is pretty good but this kind of thing never happens to me. Although with most of the cases I have to read, I don't even want to be near the book, let alone come face-to-face with anybody involved in the case. I can think of a few cases for which the line to use the leaphole would be pretty long, I suppose.

Westlaw and Lexis, what do you guys think about people physically entering your law books? And did these two pay by the minute like I have to?

Anyway, this probably is a great book for middle-schoolers, and maybe it will (eventually) help with the public image of the profession.  Order it for $15.95 from the ABA link below, or just leap into it if your library is good enough.

Link: ABA "Best Sellers"

Seven-Foot Green Attorney Smashes Opponent

I was very happy to learn recently (and I honestly can't remember where I learned this) that Jennifer Walters, also known by her Marvel superhero name of "She-Hulk," is an attorney.

Finally, a flattering depiction of attorneys in the media.

Apparently, Walters is the cousin of the He-Hulk, Bruce Banner, and gained some of his powers when he gave her a blood transfusion after an accident.  She was a member of both the Avengers and the Fantastic Four before devoting herself more fully to her legal career.  (Those prior jobs probably looked good on her resume.)

According to the Wikipedia summary, which I have no reason to doubt, She-Hulk went to the UCLA School of Law and was a member of the Order of the Coif.  She was eventually recruited by the law firm of Goodman, Lieber, Kurtzberg & Holliway to work in their Superhuman Law division.  She is described as an "extremely intelligent and highly skilled attorney" who can lift approximately 100 tons of law books.

Goodman, Lieber's Superhuman Law division represents superheros in a wide variety of disputes.  They represented Spider-Man in a libel lawsuit against publisher Jonah Jameson, and defended Hercules against a $168 million claim by The Constrictor.  They also occasionally represent villains, which presents potential conflicts of interest for She-Hulk, as you can imagine.  It appears that in the legal milieu of the intra-comic world, past issues of Marvel Comics can be cited as legal precedent, and the library of Goodman, Lieber is full of them (although they had to restock the library in a trade-paperback format after the law offices were destroyed recently.  See 11 She-Hulk 26, 29 (Marvel CCR Mar. 2005); but see 276 Fantastic Four 13, 22 (Marvel CCR Jan. 2006) (suggesting that the earlier volumes can still be cited).

Link: Wikipedia article on She-Hulk
Link: Wikipedia article on Goodman, Lieber, Kurtzberg & Holliway
Link: Marvel.com

"Curse You" -- The Musical!

Reuters News reports that a new translation of Saddam Hussein's novel, "Get Out of Here, Curse You," will be released this week in Japan.  The novel is believed to have been written on the eve of the 2003 invasion and smuggled out to Jordan by one of Saddam's daughters.  The book was banned in Jordan but became an underground bestseller, probably because of its catchy title.

Japanese journalist and translator Itsuko Hirata ensured that the book would be published in Japan.  She claims that although it is set in the ancient past, the tribal warfare depicted in the novel is "strikingly similar" to what has happened and is now happening in Iraq.  "Totally," she added, to make clear that the similarities were total.  Hirata extolled the virtues of the book and said Saddam had written it with a "melodic clarity" that suggested it could be adopted to the stage.

"I really think this book should be made into a musical," she said.  "And once this is done, it should play in the heart of his enemy's country, on Broadway."  I'll forgive her lack of knowledge of U.S. geography because of her gift to me in suggesting that this book should be made into a musical.  "Honey, what do you think?  Cats, Spamalot or Get Out of Here, Curse You?  Tickets to Curse You seem to be a lot easier to get."

Those who can get seats to Get Out of Here, Curse You! may be treated to rip-roaring musical numbers including "The Foreigner Who Sold the Tribes," "Retaliatory Tactics" and "The Burning of the Twin Towers" (all chapter names from the book), so it sounds like fun for the whole family.  (Hirata claimed that the latter did not specifically refer to the towers of the World Trade Center, and so apparently it refers to the burning of those other twin towers in, like, Assyria or something.)

Other possibilities: "Don't Cry for Me, Fallujah," "I'm Gonna Wash Those Kurds Right Outta My Hair," "I (Just) Can't Do It Alone" (performed by Uday and Qusay), and "I Am Still the President of the Republic of Iraq and You Are American Puppets."

The book is expected to get its ass kicked by "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince," also being released in Japan this week.

Link: Reuters via My Way News

"Da Vinci Code" Judge Encodes Message in Ruling

About a month ago, British High Court Justice Peter Smith ruled that Dan Brown had not plagiarized an earlier work ("Holy Blood, Holy Grail") when writing his best-seller (you may have heard of it), "The Da Vinci Code."  It turns out that the judge's opinion contains an odd pattern of italicized letters, sometimes just one in the middle of a word, and the first ten of these letters spell out "SMITHY CODE."  The next 30 are a jumble, and experts around the world immediately started feverish efforts to crack the Smithy Code.

Actually, nobody noticed for about three weeks, which may tell you how closely people read judicial opinions.  Eventually, Dan Tench, a partner at a London law firm, noticed it and mentioned something to a legal-affairs reporter, whose paper published a small item about it.  In a brief telephone interview on Wednesday, Justice Smith refused to confirm or deny anything about a code, saying "I can't discuss the judgment until after I retire."

But then he did.  A lot.  Clearly disappointed that nobody had noticed his handiwork, he then emailed back with a series of cryptic comments.  He first admitted there was a code, and then that he had plagarized -- I mean, borrowed -- the idea from "Holy Blood, Holy Grail," to which potential code-breakers might want to look.  Then he emailed back to say "Think mathematics," a reference to a method used by characters in Brown's book.  Then he said people might want to look at his own reference in "Who's Who," which, it turns out, mentions the judge's lifelong interest in Jackie Fisher, who, as you are aware, was a British admiral who came up with the idea for the dreadnought battleship.

You know, this started out as an intriguing mystery, sort of.

Finally, the judge  said "Start with 's' and keep looking up to Page 18 approximately where the fonts stop."  (Oh, just tell us what it is already.)  Well, the decoded message, which took less than 24 hours to decode with the judge's clues, turns out to be "Jackie Fisher, who are you?  Dreadnought," and frankly is kind of a letdown.  Shouldn't it be some revelation about Jesus killing a guy with his bare hands for no reason or something like that?  Hm.  The judge insisted that his coded message "reveals a significant but now overlooked event [the invention of the dreadnought, I guess] that occurred virtually 100 years to the day of the start of the trial."  Fair enough.

Link: New York Times
Link: My Way News