Lowering the Bar

More Lessons in Avoiding Jury Duty

Thankfully, the Chicago Tribune is providing "gavel-to-gavel" coverage of the R. Kelly trial in Cook County, and though this trial will probably teach us many important lessons, the first of them has to do with jury service.

Reporter Stacy St. Clair writes today (May 15) that she has already learned "12 ways to get kicked out of the jury pool."  Some of these we already know, but others are more intriguing, for example:

• Suggesting (especially given the facts of the R. Kelly case) that the age of consent should be lowered to puberty, as "nature" intended;
• Pausing for a sufficiently long period of time after being asked if you could give the defendant a fair trial;
• Praising the defendant, such as by calling him a "musical genius."  (Asked to come up with something negative about R., this potential juror could only say, "Um, he and Jay-Z don't get along?")
• Stating, in what was called a "perfectly worded response," that "I believe Mr. Kelly is guilty of the charges due to what I have read in the papers, and the fact that he was indicted by the grand jury further validates my beliefs."  Not coincidentally, this potential juror is a legal secretary.
• Best: combining the suggestion that you would never convict with a reference to 9-11: "R. Kelly may have led the Taliban in attacking us on 9-11, but you can't prove it."  Well, I could if I had it on film, I think.

All of the above happened during just one day of voir dire, during which not a single potential juror was chosen for the panel.

Link: Chicago Tribune

New Video Questions Dupre's Claim

Welcome back to the case that poses the following legal questions, among others:

1. Is it possible to have less than zero credibility, and
2. What happens if both parties to a lawsuit suffer from that handicap?

I think the answer to the first question is yes -- if a credibility level of zero means that no one believes anything you say, then negative credibility would mean that, just because you say something, people are more likely to believe the opposite is true.  In legal terms, we would call that an inference or possibly a rebuttable presumption of falsity as to any fact to which the witness might testify.

The second question is harder, but it's clearly at issue in the case filed on April 28 by Ashley Dupre (a.k.a. "Kristen") against "Girls Gone Wild" founder Joe Francis.  Dupre's allegation that she had no idea what "Girls Gone Wild" was all about did not really have the ring of truth, but then neither did Francis's comment that he was shocked, shocked, to discover there was drinking going on and that he personally put Dupre on a bus home as soon as he learned this deeply disturbing fact.

At that point, it looked like this credibility battle was already at the Rocky-II-Finale stage, in which both fighters are laying on the canvas and neither one should get up but you figure one probably will at the end if only because Burgess Meredith won't shut up otherwise.  But the next day, Francis got in another punch.  Late on Tuesday, April 29, he released a video that he said proved the falsity of Dupre's allegations that she had not consented.  Maybe -- you be the judge:

Complaint, Paragraphs 13 and 14 (emphasis added):

13.   At no time did Plaintiff consent to any use of her likeness or image in any manner or to be used for the advertisement or commercial gain of the Defendants.

14.  It is the regular business practice of Defendants . . . to induce unsuspecting young girls to perform for their cameras.

Video released today:

Q: Do you know what "Girls Gone Wild" is?

A: [laughs] Yes, I do.

Q: Can I use this on "Girls Gone Wild"?

A: Of course you can.

The video also shows Dupre displaying a fake ID.  That of course does not prove that Francis didn't know he was dealing with underage girls, or that a 17-year-old's consent would be legally valid.  But it does tend to undermine Paragraphs 13 and 14.

Really, both parties ought to stand down at this point, before they reach critical mass and form a credibility black hole from which no truthful statement would ever be able to emerge.  Though I'm concerned it may already be too late.

Link:  MSNBC.com

Client 9's Playmate Sues Over "Girls Gone Wild" Video

Ashley Alexandra Dupre, well into her 14th minute of fame due to her affiliation with Eliot Spitzer, has sued "Girls Gone Wild" founder Joe Francis for allegedly taking advantage of her youth and vulnerability by once filming her sans T-shirt.

Why does it seem like these two may be perfect for each other?

In the complaint, filed on April 28 in the Southern District of Florida, Dupre alleges that she encountered "agents and representatives" of Defendant and his production company in 2003, when she was 17 and just trying to stay out of trouble while on spring break:

10.  On said date, Plaintiff was socializing with friends at the Chesterfield Hotel when she was approached by [said agents and representatives].  They offered Plaintiff alcoholic drinks.  After Plaintiff became drunk, they induced her into [sic] exposing her breasts while being filmed.  While drunk, Plaintiff was told to sign a "release." . . .

11.  At the time of these events, Plaintiff did not understand the magnitude of her actions nor that her image and likeness would be displayed in videos and DVDs produced and distributed by Defendants.

12.  Likewise, at the time Plaintiff signed the "release," Plaintiff did not and could not foresee that she would later have sex with a famous person for money, thus herself becoming famous and therefore acquiring a valuable legal claim.

Okay, I made up Paragraph 12, but Dupre does allege that the defendants have profited by means of advertising designed to capitalize on Plaintiff's "fame and notoriety," which, if I'm not mistaken, is due to having had sex with a famous person for money.

According to the Miami Herald, Francis's version of the Paragraph 10 events is very different.  As he tells it, Ms. Dupre was completely sober while going wild, and he personally -- personally, mind you -- put her on a bus home after catching her with a beer.  As you know, drinking is strictly against "Girls Gone Wild" policy.

Dupre's complaint contains eight counts, including unjust enrichment, Lanham Act claims, state-law false advertising and unfair competition claims, unauthorized publication of Plaintiff's likeness, and, of all things, cybersquatting.  The complaint seeks damages of not less than $10,000,000.  That is likely to pose some proof problems, especially as to the Lanham Act allegation that defendants' acts "have cause[d] substantial and irreparable injury . . . to the Plaintiff's business, reputation and good will."   I doubt that the reputation of someone who [disturbing phrase deleted] with Eliot Spitzer while [matter redacted due to protective order] and also putting [sanitized for your protection], not once, but [illegible], while in Washington, D.C., has been harmed that much by an ad for "Girls Gone Wild."

Joe Francis, who has made millions from the GGW videos and who, according to this month's issue of Scientific American, is an utter sleazebag, paid someone to come up with a pretty good line.  "I think it's ironic," he told CNN, "that she charged Gov. Spitzer $2,000 for sex and she wants to charge me $10 million for taking some naked pictures of her."  Not bad, and a lot better than the line he tried out after being held in contempt in 2007, also in Florida; that, Francis announced, was a case of a "judge gone wild."  A little more effort, please.

Link: CNN.com
Link: Miami Herald
See also "'Girls Gone Wild' Founder Says Judge Has Gone Wild in Suit Filed by Girls Who Had Previously Gone Wild," Lowering the Bar (Apr. 6, 2007); and "'Girls Gone Wild' Creator, Residing in Hole, Continues to Dig," Lowering the Bar (Apr. 16, 2007).

Colbert Is Tied in Election for Conservation District Board, But Cannot Serve

Stephen Colbert's run for president ended earlier this month after Democrats in South Carolina refused to put him on the primary ballot.  Now, a second disappointment: he will not be allowed to participate in a runoff for a seat on the board of the Colonial Soil and Water Conservation District in Williamsburg, Virginia, although he is in a three-way tie for second.

Colbert and two others (both students at the College of William and Mary) each received three write-in votes in the November 6 election.  Under local rules, the tie will be broken by drawing a name out of a hat, but Colbert will not be included because he's not registered to vote in Virginia.

Matt Beato, a student at William and Mary, was quoted as expressing concern about the write-in process, possibly because he was one of the two students in the race.  (The article doesn't identify him as such, but it's hard to see any other reason why someone would be interested in an election for the Colonial Soil and Water Conservation District Board, unless it's the fancy office.)  "I'm not crazy," Beato said, "but any nut case could win with three votes."  (The "I'm not crazy" disclaimer also seems to support the idea that Beato was a candidate.)  "Somebody should make sure that doesn't happen."

Colbert has not yet commented on this travesty, as far as I can tell, but another candidate has.  A comment posted on the Comedy Central website, purporting to be from a fourth and winning candidate, Gregory Hancock (who claims 1050 votes), clarifies that Colbert is in a three-way race for second place and that the drawing will determine only who can participate in a runoff with the winner, namely him.  It's a pretty good post:

As the one (and only...) candidate on the ballot for the two Soil and Water Conservation Board Director positions here in Williamsburg, I'd like to commend Mr. Colbert on his well-organized write-in campaign that resulted in his second place finish (he got 3 votes, I got 1050). As I am sure Mr. Colbert knows, there are few elected positions with as much influence on the daily lives of Americans as Soil and Water Conservation Board Director. We are constantly called upon to make the tough decisions on issues that weigh heavily on the nation, like which winter cover crop to grow this year or whether pickerel rush is a good choice for wetland plantings. I am sad that a silly technicality requiring candidates to be a resident of Williamsburg stood in the way of his being elected to the board. Were it not for this, he could have participated in a runoff with the two undergraduate students . . . But, perhaps Mr. Colbert will consider moving to Williamsburg to establish residency before the next election in 2010. It is never to early to begin campaigning, and I’d be happy to help advise him on making a successful bid for Soil and Water Conservation Director.

Link: FindLaw
Link: The Colonial Soil & Water Conservation District
Link: List of Candidates for Virginia SWCD Directors (listing only Hancock in Williamsburg)

Paris Hilton Sued for Stealing Fashion Ideas

Haven't been able to confirm this on any non-celebrity-based websites yet (the link below is to the Chronicle's "Daily Dish" blog), but many sources are reporting today that Paris Hilton was sued earlier this month by a woman who says Hilton stole her style ideas.  (No, it isn't Nicole Richie.)

Nicolle O'Neill seems to have filed a complaint in L.A. Superior Court accusing Hilton of causing her emotional distress by stealing her fashion-related "patens" and her "stiling" tips.  (Yes, emotional distress can affect your spelling.)  Among the specific allegations are that Hilton stole O'Neill's ideas of wearing pants low enough to show your underwear, and shopping in vintage clothing stores for what O'Neill calls "retro" fashions.  Ha!  As if anybody would really dress like that!

One of the fashion ideas
not stolen by Paris Hilton

More on this later if I can confirm it or get a copy of the complaint.  According to the report, Hilton has not yet filed an answer.

Link: SF Chronicle

Michael Vick Attends PETA Seminar on Empathy for Animals

PETA announced today that on September 18, Michael Vick successfully completed its seminar on "Developing Empathy for Animals," an eight-hour course that concludes with a written exam that PETA described as "rigorous."

Vick was immediately pardoned and given PETA's "Animal Rights Hero" award, after a ticker-tape parade in which he rode along with Jesus in a carriage happily drawn by animals from endangered species.  The parade ended under a rainbow.

Actually, PETA says it still thinks Vick should go to jail and says it told him that before he took the course.  But, it says, he showed up anyway, listened to speakers, took notes, and "even asked questions."  The questions he asked were not reported, nor have I yet been able to find a copy of Vick's answers to the written exam.  (They must be out there somewhere.)  Whether the test is "rigorous" is debatable and might depend on how it is graded.  Among the short-answer questions is this puzzler:

10.  Describe what a dog let into a warm home on a cold night might feel. In contrast, describe what a dog left outside, chained on a cold night, might feel. 

Let's see:  (a) warmer; (b) in contrast, colder?

(Warning: answer above may not result in full credit.)

On the other hand, the required essay questions seem more difficult, including:

Dr. Albert Schweitzer wrote, "In the past we have tried to make a distinction between animals [who] we acknowledge have some value and others [who], having none, can be liquidated when we wish." Please discuss this statement, providing at least one example from modern times.

That one might have been more of a challenge for Mr. Vick, who did not finish college -- which is not at all to say he is stupid, given the size of the NFL contract that was waiting for him.  He just may not have had a chance to fully develop his essay-writing skills.

Coincidentally, Vick is scheduled to be sentenced on December 10 on the federal charges to which he pleaded guilty, and has a November trial date on related state charges.

Link:  ESPN.com
Link:  CNN.com
Link:  PETA's "Developing Empathy for Animals" Seminar

Crazy Guy Helps O.J.'s Defense Team at Press Conference

In this outstanding clip edited from MSNBC's coverage, O.J. Simpson's attorney Yale Galanter is assisted at a press conference by a gentleman who seems to have recently joined the team.  It appears that Galanter will provide the legal talent, and New Guy will provide the moral support.

New Guy, as you may know, is actually Tony Barbieri, a comedian who plays a character named "Jake Byrd" who tries to insert himself into celebrity events like he's done here.  I know this not because I watch "Jimmy Kimmel Live," where "Jake Byrd" frequently appears, but because I research my stories, unlike, apparently, the New York Times, which got fooled by Byrd during the Michael Jackson trial, and had to run this correction:

Editor's Note: May 6, 2004, Thursday

An article on Saturday about a hearing in which the entertainer Michael Jackson pleaded not guilty to felony charges involving sexual abuse of a teenage boy described fans who came to see Mr. Jackson. They included a man who identified himself as Jake Byrd, an employee of a tropical fish store in Chino, Calif. After the article appeared, a publicist for the ABC television show ‘‘Jimmy Kimmel Live’’ said the man was actually an actor playing a recurring character, a rabid Jackson fan named Jake Byrd. The publicist would not reveal the name of the actor, known for stunts that insinuate him into news coverage.

I was hoping this was an actual crazy guy who just wanted to get on camera, but this is still pretty darn good.  Anything that increases the circus quotient of an O.J. criminal case is good news for me.

Link: Awesomeology.com
Link: New York Times, May 1, 2004

O.J. Simpson Arrested; Blames Police, J. Edgar Hoover

Former Heisman Trophy winner and "World's Greatest Dad" O.J. Simpson was arrested on Sunday and held on multiple felony charges in connection with an alleged robbery.  Police say that Simpson and several other men were involved in -- can I call it a "caper"?  Don't see why not -- a caper at the Palace Station casino-hotel in Las Vegas last Thursday night in which they barged into a room and took some of Simpson's sports memorabilia.  Simpson had been questioned immediately after the incident, but no one was taken into custody until today.

Simpson admitted last week that he had been in the room, but said no guns were involved and that he went there only to recover mementos that had been stolen from him to begin with, including his Hall of Fame certificate and -- most importantly -- a picture of Simpson with former F.B.I. director J. Edgar Hoover.  Simpson said he had been called several weeks ago by an auction-house owner named Tom Riccio, who told him that some "collectors" had a lot of his "stuff" and were planning to quietly sell it.  Conveniently, Simpson happened to be in Las Vegas that week anyway, and he arranged to meet Riccio, who had set up a meeting with the "collectors" without telling them O.J. was involved.

What could go wrong?

According to those in the room, Simpson and six or seven other men came "busting through the door . . . with guns, hollering and screaming," took Simpson's stuff and left.  Riccio, who claimed that the intent had been to either peacefully reclaim the stuff or call police, admitted that things had gone "haywire."

According to the Associated Press, "Simpson said he was accompanied by several men he met at a wedding cocktail party, and they took the collectibles."  (Emphasis added.)  "We walked into the room," he told a reporter.  "I'm the last one to go in, and when they see me, it's all 'Oh God.'"  But he said there were no guns and "nobody was roughed up."  Simpson admitted that he had not called the police to help, but said this was because he seems to have found the police unresponsive to him in recent years.  Or, as he put it, "[t]he police, since my trouble, have not worked out for me."

It appears that by "my trouble," Simpson is referring to allegations that he was somehow involved in the murder of his ex-wife and another man in 1994, although he was acquitted of that crime and so it seems to have all been a big misunderstanding.  It must have been a very traumatic experience for him, because otherwise you really wouldn't expect to hear a man describe the savage murder of two other people as "my trouble."  Perhaps the men in the room had heard something about these ridiculous allegations, so that "Oh God" may have meant something like "Oh God, please don't nearly cut our heads off as we've heard a still-unidentified person or persons did to your ex-wife for reasons still unknown."  This is the kind of stigma that O.J. apparently has had to live with since his trouble.

Anyway, I'm sure the truth about that will come out as part of the investigation into the Palace Station caper.  Another man was arrested Saturday night in connection with the same incident, after police searched two or three other residences (they did not say whose) and said they had found evidence of the crime.

Whether or not they recovered the precious J. Edgar Hoover memento is currently unknown.

Link:  AP via ESPN.com (Sept. 16)
Link:  AP via ESPN.com (Sept. 15)

Steven Seagal Demands FBI Apology for Ruining Career

Steven Seagal, who you may remember from such action films as Under Siege, Under Siege 2: Dark Territory, and Under Siege 3: Straight to DVD, has demanded that the FBI apologize for ruining his career by making false allegations that linked him to the Anthony Pellicano scandal.

In August, Seagal stated, "False FBI accusations fueled thousands of articles saying that I terrorize journalists and associate with the Mafia . . . .These kinds of inflammatory allegations scare studio heads and independent producers -- and kill careers."

Apparently, FBI agents referred to Seagal in affidavits filed in the Pellicano case, saying that Seagal was one of the celebrities who had hired Pellicano for alleged dirty tricks such as intimidating reporters.  According to an article on the matter in the Los Angeles Times, "Seagal, sipping tea in his Mandeville Canyon home, in a dining room filled with Japanese art, said the premise of the allegations was preposterous" and "laughable."  (He has since taken and passed a polygraph test on at least some of the allegations.)  He also implied that the FBI was seeking to discredit him personally.  "Do you believe it was an accident that this secret document was placed in a public file?" he asked.  "I don't."

And if Steven Seagal doesn't believe something, my friend, you'd best consider not believing it too.  This is a man who believes that he is a tulku, or reincarnation, of the "treasure revealer Chungdrag Dorje."  To be fair, a Buddhist monk told him that, so he has some reason for believing it.  Less clear is the source for his belief in a special link between his own spirit and those of animals, something that contributed to what his Wikipedia entry describes as a "mystical dog incident" that seems to have changed his life:

Mystical dog incident

While being interviewed by PETA [see link below], Seagal was asked to provide an example of a special interaction with an animal. To lend context and meaning to his animal rights work, Seagal offered the story about a dog which approached him during his early aikido years in Japan. Seagal described feeling as if he had known this white dog forever. After keeping the dog for a few days, the dog (by barking) warned Seagal that his dojo was on fire. Seagal quickly summoned help to put out the fire. He never saw the dog again.

I would like to think that if my dojo was on fire, I would know it without needing the help of a mystical spirit dog, but I guess you never really know how you will react until your dojo is actually burning.  To his credit, Seagal has continued to strongly support animal rights, a noble effort, and one that will give him something to do now that his career, formerly Hard to Kill, now appears to be Half Past Dead.  And as the following chart shows, this decline started well before the Pellicano scandal broke in 2002:

Gross Income of Steven Seagal Movies
(One Seagal = $30 Million)

Since 2001, Seagal has had no hits, but instead has made a dozen or so straight-to-DVD films that in total have generated about $25 million.  At least one longtime Hollywood publicist, though, was quoted by the L.A. Times as saying that there may be something to what Seagal is saying.  "This controversy made the studios very nervous," said the publicist. "Let's be honest: Steven Seagal was no Harrison Ford when this happened. But these accusations certainly hastened his decline."

Seagal never saw the publicist again.

Link: LATimes.com
Link: "Getting Tough with Steven Seagal," 2001 Interview on PETA.org
Link: Anthony Bruno, "Steven Seagal and the Mob," CourtTV Crime Library

Former Greenskeeper Detained For Allegedly Driving Golf Cart Drunk Through Downtown Stockholm

Bill Murray was detained by police on Monday after they spotted him driving a "slow-moving vehicle" through downtown Stockholm.  The vehicle was a golf cart that had been on display outside Murray's hotel.  He and other VIPs were in Sweden attending the Scandinavian Masters golf tournament.

Police said that Murray had driven the golf cart to a nearby nightclub less than a mile away, and was pulled over on his way back.  According to Detective-Inspector Christer Holmlund, officers smelled alcohol on Murray's breath and decided to administer a breath test.  "He refused to blow in the instrument, citing American legislation," Holmlund said.  "So we applied the old method -- a blood test," which Murray apparently sat still for.  Police said it would take 14 days to get the results back, but Murray was released.  "My guess is he went back to America," Holmlund said, demonstrating his skills as a detective-inspector.

Less clear was why they were bothering Bill Murray with a golf-cart-related offense in the first place.  There was no suggestion that, drunk or not, he posed any threat to anyone on his "slow-moving vehicle," and Holmlund conceded that there were "no obvious signs" that Murray was even "really tipsy."  Nor was he in trouble for taking the golf cart, said Fredrik Nilsmark, head of the tournament.  The cart wasn't intended for hotel guests, he said, but "I don't hold any grudge against Bill Murray for borrowing our cart for a while."  Nor is it illegal to drive a golf cart on city streets in Sweden, Holmlund admitted, though he claimed it was "very unusual."

I supported Bill Murray after he drove that heavily-armed recreational vehicle through eastern Europe a few years back, and I support him now.

Link: AP via Newsvine

Readers Overwhelmingly Support Morrison Pardon

In the interest of moving on to polls dealing with other critical world issues, I'm going to declare victory for the pro-pardon forces on the question whether Jim Morrison should be granted a posthumous pardon for his indecent-exposure conviction back in the 1960s.  In the poll I ran, seventy-seven percent of readers voted for varying degrees of "yes, we think Jim Morrison should be pardoned," with 23 percent voting "no, I either don't know who that is, do not like music or other kinds of fun, or think it is more consistent with American values to not cheer up Morrison's aging father by clearing his son's name of a trumped-up charge that was President Nixon's idea in the first place."

Last I heard from the guys at Doors Collectors Magazine, the ones spearheading the petition drive, the petition request was bogged down in the governor's office because the lawyers there wanted to see some paperwork.  (Can you believe it?  Lawyers demanding paperwork.)  I offered my pro bono legal services to help with this, or I guess it would be more honest to say I offered to bother someone in our Miami or Tampa offices about it, but it turns out there is already at least one Florida attorney working on the papers.  Well, that frees me up to bother some other state official somewhere, I suppose.

If you're interested, there is information about the case at the link below, and also an online petition form.

Link: Pardon info at Doors Collectors Magazine

"It's in God's Hands Now" -- Paris Hilton Returns to Jail

At first I felt guilty that my source for this was PeopleMagazine.com's report of a FOX News report, but then I decided that there is really no better way to report a story like this (although I still feel fairly guilty for reporting it at all).

Paris Hilton, who was suddenly released from jail by the sheriff yesterday and reassigned to home detention due to an "undisclosed medical condition," has now been sent back to jail.  The L.A. city attorney had learned of the reassignment and sought an emergency hearing, after which Judge Michael T. Sauer, who was not at all happy about the release, ordered Hilton back to jail to serve the full 45 days (not the 23-day minimum she previously faced).

Needless to say, this was considered (by the Hiltons) a legal outrage and a violation of natural and constitutional law of the highest order.  "It's not right!" Hilton screamed, as though she had just been sentenced to death, or to eat at a food court.  Everyone in the courtroom (who was named Hilton) wept as Paris was removed.  "It's out of our hands," said Hilton's mother, Kathy.  "It is what it is and it's in God's hands now."  That's right -- now it's all up to God.  Now she belongs to the angels.  Oh, the humanity.

God, who will undoubtedly be closely watching over Paris during her month in the Hollywood slam, could not be reached for comment as he was busy trying to get Lohan back into rehab.

Link: People.com

Hilton Unable to Testify in Civil Case Against Her, Says Hilton's Psychiatrist

Lately the headlines about Paris Hilton have involved her 45-day jail sentence for violating probation, but it turns out she is part of at least one other legal proceeding.  In a case that is an outstanding use of the nation's judicial resources, Hilton was apparently sued in 2005 by "actress and diamond heiress" Zeta Graff over a nightclub incident in which (according to Hilton) Graff assaulted Hilton and tried to grab a diamond necklace off Hilton's neck.  Graff sued for slander and libel.  The trial in that case had been scheduled to start this month, but not any more.

In papers filed Monday, Hilton's psychiatrist said that Hilton would be unable to testify at the moment because she is "distraught and traumatized as a consequence of the [jail sentence] and her fear of incarceration."  In his opinion, "[a]t this point in time, Ms. Hilton cannot effectively respond to examination as a witness or provide any significant input into her defense."  (Well, if that's the standard, I don't think this case will ever be going to trial.)  It appears that the trial judge has agreed, or at least has postponed the trial until August for one reason or another.

The Associated Press said that messages left with "Hilton's spokesman and lawyer" were not returned earlier today.  As we learned last week, it is not clear whether Paris now has two different people in these roles, or whether she is still taking her spokesman's legal advice, which seems to have contributed to her problems in the first place.

Link: AP via FindLaw.com

Dueling Lawsuits Filed Over Copyright Claim by Mental Spoonbender

Only the wealth of material last week prevented me from reporting on the suit and counter-suit recently filed by Uri Geller and Brian Sapient.

You may remember Geller as the purported psychic who claims the remarkable ability to bend spoons with his mind -- or maybe his remarkable ability is the ability to earn money by claiming to bend spoons with his mind.  Sapient is a Pennsylvania man who is a co-founder of the "Rational Response Squad," an anti-theist group that apparently also has a sideline in pseudo-psychic debunkery.  "Brian Sapient" is a pseudonym -- according to his complaint, his "controversial religious beliefs" have generated a "substantial amount of abusive correspondence, including threats of physical harm against him."  That's why he seeks to proceed as "John Doe a/k/a Brian Sapient" (although if you are already using a pseudonym I wouldn't think you would need "John Doe" anymore).

Geller sued after Sapient posted (on YouTube) a clip from "Secrets of the Psychics," a 1993 NOVA program that examined Geller's claims.  That program incorporated footage from (among other things) a 1973 "Tonight Show" appearance in which Geller failed to bend spoons that had been preselected by Johnny Carson, and a professional magician of the non-psychic variety (James Randi) who showed how easy it was to do what Geller did.   (Tip: it involves either "pre-bending" the spoon or bending it surreptitiously with what psychics call "hands.")  It also included a three-second clip of Geller at another public event, a clip to which Geller claims a copyright interest.  Geller's lawsuit, filed in Pennsylvania, was based on those three seconds.

Sapient's countersuit, filed in San Francisco federal court by attorneys with the Electronic Frontier Foundation, alleges that Geller used his abilities to cause YouTube to remove the video Sapient had posted.  (His litigation-threatening abilities, anyway, not the psychic ones.)  Sapient alleges that this was misrepresentation under the Digital Millennium Copyright Act because the threat is baseless.

Reached for comment, the psychic's lawyer called the other lawsuit "frivolous."

According to the often-accurate Wikipedia, Geller owns a 1976 Cadillac "adorned with thousands of pieces of bent tableware given to him by celebrities or otherwise having historical or other significance," including spoons used by John Lennon, the Spice Girls, Winston Churchill and John F. Kennedy.  Wikipedia also claims, without citation, that Geller designed the logo for the band *NSYNC, but the band's website does not mention any involvement by Geller, so that seems doubtful.  This was greatly disappointing to me, but then I learned from the BBC that (and in retrospect this is not at all surprising) the best man at Geller's 2001 wedding was Michael Jackson.  That cheered me up quite a bit.

Link: cbs5.com (KPIX)
Link: Sapient v. Geller (at EFF's website)
Link: See video of Geller allegedly cheating (at www.randi.org)

California Justice: Battling Petitions Argue For or Against Pardon for Paris Hilton

Proving that America has its priorities firmly in the correct order, many of its citizens remain focused on the Paris-Hilton-to-jail plot line.  This may be due in part to the hypocrisy of people like me who make fun of others for caring and yet continue to write about it, or maybe Hollywood or the video-game industry is to blame.  It's hard to say.

There is still a lot of comedy to be extracted from the situation, anyway.  In the days since Hilton was sentenced more details have emerged about her multi-layered legal defense.  The first layer does not appear to be, "I'm innocent," however.  FindLaw published court papers showing that Hilton violated her DUI probation by not signing up for court-ordered alcohol-education classes, being caught driving more than once on a suspended license, and, most recently, for going 70 in a 35-mph zone at night with her headlights off.  (She seems to have done this sober.)

She did argue, though, that she did not know her license was suspended, saying that she doesn't read her mail ("I have people who do that for me"), didn't read the form she was given by officers on which she acknowledged that her license was suspended ("I just sign what people tell me to sign"), and that she was only following her publicist's legal advice.  The publicist, Elliot Mintz, seems to have gotten canned for giving this bad unlicensed legal advice, since he announced on Sunday that he and Hilton had parted ways over a "misunderstanding she received from me regarding the terms of her probation."  (Hilton's actual attorneys don't appear to have been consulted -- she told the judge on Friday that she had not had time to talk with them about her probation.)  Mainly, though, she is disturbed about the severity of the 45-day sentence.

And this is what seems to be driving the calls for Governor Schwarzenegger to pardon Hilton.  Hilton herself does not seem to have asked for a pardon, contrary to some reports yesterday, but at least two websites have been launched to do so.  One of them is FreeParis.org, whose founder says he is trying to collect one million signatures by June 5, when Hilton is supposed to report to jail.  (So far he has 500.)  He says his motivation is to repeal the "cruel punishment" Hilton received, and only secondarily to sell "Free Paris" T-shirts for $19 each.  He declared, however, that the proceeds from this merchandise would go only to support "the petition drive" and "myself."

A counter-petition is asking the governor to ignore the other petitions.  The governor's press secretary said today that he had received no formal pardon requests, and that it would be "premature for the governor to become involved in any case until the individual has exhausted their judicial remedies."

FindLaw's article points out that, of course, Hilton is only likely to benefit from yet another run-in with the law.  It will "actually increase her star appeal in a very sick and demented way," said longtime publicist Michael Levine, obviously irked that Hilton has not hired him yet to help with that.  The E! Network chimed in, wishing Paris the best "as she deals with this difficult time," and also noting that "The Simple Life Goes to Camp" will premiere on Memorial Day.

Link: Reuters
Link: FindLaw

Paris Hilton Will Lead The Very Simple Life for the Next 45 Days

Paris Hilton, who you may have heard of, was sentenced to 45 days in jail today after violating her probation for a drunk-driving arrest last year.

Her license was suspended at that time, but she was driving again in January when she was pulled over by police.  Officers then reminded her about her suspended license and had her "sign a document acknowledging she was not to drive," which sounds like celebrity treatment to me already.  But she was arrested again in February for speeding with her headlights off.  That, plus her failure to enroll in an alcohol education program by February 12 as she was supposed to, seems to have irked the judge a bit.  It probably also did not help that she showed up late for her probation hearing.

Hilton claimed that she thought her license had been suspended for only 30 days, and that she had not actually looked at the document she signed in February saying her license was suspended.  She also had her spokesman take the stand to testify that he had advised her that he believed her license was no longer suspended.  (Hilton's attorneys characterized the spokesman as the "liaison" between Hilton and her lawyers.)

The Spokesman Defense did not work, though.  Judge Michael T. Sauer did not believe Hilton, her spokesman or her attorneys, saying he had no doubt that Hilton knew her license was suspended.  He sentenced her to 45 days in jail, with no opportunity for work release, furloughs, electronic monitoring, or a provision that apparently allows rich people to pay to serve time in an "alternative jail" of their choice.

Paris herself was apologetic and said very little, but her mom threw a tantrum, saying "This is pathetic and disgusting, a waste of taxpayer money with all this nonsense.  This is a joke."  When the judge ruled, she blurted out, "May I have your autograph?"  Maybe she wanted to accompany Paris to jail, but the judge did not take her up on that offer.

Link: Huffington Post

Indian Warrant for American Gigolo

A court in Jaipur, India, has ordered the arrest of Richard Gere for kissing actress Shilpa Shetty at an event in New Delhi that was intended to promote AIDS awareness.  Mostly, it has ended up promoting the facts that India has goofy obscenity laws and that a lawyer somewhere in Jaipur has some time on his hands.

Gere's embrace and kiss of Shetty on the cheek (of her face) may have been disturbingly odd, but there was nothing "obscene" about it, at least by American standards.  But protests broke out almost immediately after the scene became public.  Groups of men, described as being mostly "Hindu vigilante groups," burned Gere and Shetty in effigy, because people will pay attention to you if you set things on fire.  A number of complaints were also filed, and one of these led to the order by a judge in Jaipur, who apparently found Gere guilty of violating public obscenity laws based on a videotape of the event.

Shetty said the kiss may have gone a "little overboard" but that it was not obscene and the protests were not helping India's image.  She claimed that Gere was only re-enacting his moves from a movie Gere has apparently starred in called "Shall We Dance."  According to the report, Shetty said that Gere was just trying to entertain the audience and to "communicate in a Bollywood style as he did not speak Hindi."

Gere could be fined for the kiss or could be sentenced to up to three months in jail, if he is successfully arrested.  Gere did not stick around after his public cheek-raping of Shetty, but the warrant may put a damper on his apparently frequent trips to India to meet with the Dalai Lama, who lives in exile there.  The Lama, who could probably use a little Gere-free alone time anyway, could not be reached for comment.

Link: Reuters

UPDATE: Larry Birkhead Possibly Father of Anna Nicole Smith's Child

Ignoring Lowering the Bar poll results that clearly indicated I was the father of baby Dannielynn, a court in the Bahamas has chosen to believe DNA test results instead which allegedly show that Larry Birkhead is the father.

According to a doctor who performed the test, Birkhead has been confirmed as the father with 99.99 percent certainty.  I am personally very pleased with these results since they indicate that I have not been ruled out as the baby's father.  A .01 percent chance is more than I originally thought I had.  I will agree to dismiss my claim for .01 percent of a zillion dollars, I can tell you that.

Birkhead's response to the test results: "I told you so," and a smirk that could be seen from orbit.

Link: CNN.com

OJ Suing Goldmans to Stop Them From Profiting on His Book on How He Would Have Killed Their Son, If He Did

More on this later, but just contemplate the idea for a second.

Pretty soon now, O.J. and his legal team may reach a critical mass of insane evilness and implode into a wormhole that, hopefully, will suck into it only O.J. and his legal team and not the entire universe.

Just after calling Fred Goldman a "greedy pig," O.J. attorney Yale Galanter uttered the words, "Am I the only sane person in this mess?"  Um, no.

Link: ABC News

Why Dannielynn Gets Everything

For those of you who are closely following the Anna Nicole Smith story, this article by Professor Joanna Grossman clearly sets out the legal reasoning behind Judge Larry Seidlin's "odd," "tearfully delivered," but also apparently correct ruling in the Broward County case.

There is also a link to Judge Seidlin's written and likely tear-stained opinion, in which he notes, among other things, his feeling of wonder that the case ended up in his courtroom.  Ultimately, he concludes, there is no real explanation -- the "dominoes of the universe" simply fell in such a way that he would get his 15 minutes of weepy fame.

Grossman also explains why the baby gets all of Smith's estate.  The short version -- and I should stress that what I knew about wills and trusts was loaded into short-term memory for the sole purpose of taking the bar exam -- is that the bequests in Smith's will (assuming it's even valid) lapsed because her son was the sole beneficiary, and he was already dead.  That means she basically died intestate, and under intestacy statutes the baby is the next-of-kin.  Baby don't have to share with Granny, neither, so there will be one less garish mansion with a huge, dollar-sign shaped pool in Texas for the foreseeable future.

Thus, baby gets the money, and the battle now turns to who gets the baby.  That paternity suit is already raging in California court.  Hopefully, it will be resolved by the results of the poll on this website, in which I am currently leading the second-place candidate, Superstars of the Mexican Wrestling Federation, by a wide margin, with photographer Larry Birkhead tied for third place with Urkel.

Link: FindLaw.com

Anna Nicole Smith's Will Released

Friday's development in the Anna Nicole Smith story was the release of a will that Smith apparently signed in July 2001, naming her son Daniel as the sole heir.  Daniel was scheduled to begin receiving distributions at age 21, but did not, due to being dead.  Daniel died, oddly enough, at age 20, just before he would have started getting money and just three days after similarly-named newer baby and potential heir Dannielynn was born.  And potential heir Dannielynn may have been fathered by Smith attorney and sex partner Howard K. Stern, who was named as the executor of Smith's estate in the 2001 will.  (Someone else drafted the will, at least, as you can see if you really want to read it.)

But the will may or may not exclude Dannielynn entirely, since it was never updated to include her and it states at one point that Smith was intentionally omitting to provide for any future spouses or children.  The will does instruct the executor of the estate to distribute to the children "sufficient sums for their health, education, and support," but that would not give any of the principal to the baby.  If the will is valid, and with Daniel dead, that may mean that Smith has no living heir at all, and that means the main beneficiary may be Court TV.

Also, I left out another contender in the baby-daddy contest: Alexander Denk, Smith's former bodyguard.  Denk told Larry King this week that he (Denk, not Larry King) could be the father.  I think that brings it to six, with two alternates, but I'm starting to lose count.

Link: CNN.com

One or Maybe Three More Claimants Emerge in Smith Case

On Friday I became the fourth person to my knowledge to claim to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's millionaire infant.  Some may think that claim is open to question simply because I never had sex with Anna Nicole and in fact was never knowingly anywhere near her, but today's development shows that is not a requirement.

The New York Daily News is reporting today that it has a document saying that Smith froze the sperm of her late husband, J. Howard Marshall II, before his death and may have used that to become pregnant last year.  (To be entirely correct, I should say that CNN says the New York Daily News says it has a document that says this.  I don't let triple hearsay slow me down.)  This paternity claim from beyond the grave may or may not trump last Friday's fake-prince claim, but I do think it bolsters my claim to some extent, as I am at least alive.

The CNN story also raises the possibility of at least two more contenders.  It notes that newspapers in the Bahamas today published pictures of Smith embracing (in bed, but with clothes on) the country's immigration minister, Shane Gibson, who has been criticized for giving her "special treatment" -- meaning he granted her permanent residency in the country last year.  The pictures of the Bahamian huggery were obtained from an "unidentified source," and members of the opposition party said they would look into the matter.

Meanwhile, the South Carolina man who allegedly gave Smith the Bahamas mansion in which she had been living, G. Ben Thompson, says the house was not a gift and that he wants it back.  CNN says that Thompson "once dated Smith," and it seems to me that once is enough.

Neither Gibson nor Thompson have yet formally made a baby claim, so the total is still at five, with two possible alternates.

Link: CNN.com

I Am Also the Father of Anna Nicole Smith's Baby

I might as well throw my hat in the ring, since everybody else seems to be.

You may want to take notes, but this story is worth it.  Here we go.

The third and latest guy claiming to be the father of poor Dannielynn Smith, the 5-month-old daughter of recently deceased former Playmate and possible multi-millionairess Anna Nicole Smith, is Frederic Prinz von Anhalt, the 59-year-old husband of 90-year-old Zsa Zsa Gabor.  Von Anhalt, who is not, as MSNBC has reported, a hereditary prince of the German principality of Anhalt, but rather has that name (but not the legal title) as a consequence of having been adopted in 1980 by an elderly German princess of Anhalt, married Gabor in 1986 after her marriage to her eighth husband was annulled due to bigamy.

Still with me?

Von Anhalt claims that Smith approached him a few years after that, telling him she was a "very big fan" of Zsa Zsa and wanted to be a princess just like her.   He was apparently reluctant either to divorce Gabor or to tell Smith he was not actually a prince in the first place, but was willing to have sex with Smith, which he says he did for approximately ten years (off and on).  Smith of course was married to ancient oil tycoon J. Howard Marshall II for most of that time, so that both golddiggers were cheating on their elderly spouses and gravy trains by doing so.  While von Anhalt was not willing to divorce his wife, he says he did consider adopting Smith (to make her a "princess") and even had the papers drawn up, but Zsa Zsa refused to sign them.

According to von Anhalt, he and Smith were together last year about the time the baby would have been fathered.  Two other men, including attorney Howard Stern (no relation) and Smith's former boyfriend are also currently claiming to be the father of Smith's baby, and so that legal battle is well under way.  Von Anhalt says he will join it if either of the other two men gains custody of the baby, which coincidentally would also bring control of the millions that the baby may one day be entitled to.

The last time that I said a story couldn't get any weirder, I ended up saying that about five times, so no predictions here.  If an astronaut drives a thousand miles in a diaper to kidnap Zsa Zsa Gabor, I might rethink that, but I don't know what else would qualify.

Link: MSNBC.com
Link: Yahoo News
Link: Frederic Prinz von Anhalt (Wikipedia)

Mike Tyson Chats Freely With Police After Arrest: All Goes Well

The Smoking Gun recently posted a transcript of a police interview with former heavyweight champ Mike Tyson after Tyson was stopped on December 29 for driving erratically.  Tyson was read his Miranda rights and stated that he understood those rights and would voluntarily answer questions.  The interrogation went very well for the suspect regardless.

No it didn't.

• He started off by admitting that he had been using cocaine and marijuana and probably "more Zoloft than he was supposed to."
• He further admitted he was perhaps a bit under the influence.
• Or, as he put it, "I AM F***ED UP!"
• The officer's report continues: "I TOLD MIKE HE DID NOT APPEAR TO BE MESSED UP.  MIKE REPLIED BACK SAYING, 'I KNOW MAN BUT I AM F***ED UP.'  MIKE THEN FOLLOWED THE STATEMENT BY LAUGHING LOUDLY."
• Mike volunteered the fact that he smokes cocaine by putting it in ordinary cigarettes, and demonstrated for the officers how he does this.
• Asked if he felt the Zoloft, cocaine and marijuana had affected his driving at all, Mike immediately stated, "I cannot drive."
• It was not clear from the report whether he meant he was unable to drive or was not legally able to drive in Arizona because he is not licensed there.

So.  That went well.

Link: The Smoking Gun

Borat Defeats Frat-Guy Defamation Lawsuit

Superior Court Judge Joseph Biderman ruled today that he would not enjoin the movie "Borat" in a lawsuit by two South Carolina fraternity brothers who were shown in embarrassing circumstances.  The two claimed they were duped into appearing in the movie after the producers got them drunk and falsely promised that the "documentary" would not be shown in the United States.

Since the movie itself will not be in theaters too much longer, the arguments as to injunctive relief focused on harm that might occur from the future DVD release, which will allow viewers to repeatedly watch the two men say (among other things) that it's too bad slavery was abolished.  Judge Biderman denied the motion for an injunction despite the plaintiffs' argument that the movie had cost one of them "a job at a major corporation" and another "a prestigious internship."  Apparently Judge Biderman found those claims unlikely.

Link: Reuters.com

Karma Chameleon Will Do Community Service With NY Sanitation Department

The New York Department of Sanitation confirmed today that former Culture Club singer Boy George will be joining its ranks for five days of community service as part of a sentence on drug charges.  "He will be part of our team," said sanitation spokesman Keith Mellis, who as a child probably dreamed that he would grow up to be a "sanitation spokesman."  Mellis continued, "We won't know exactly what he will be doing for several weeks, though."

That should give the guys plenty of time to think of pleasant things for Boy George to do.

Boy, whose real name is George O'Dowd, has struggled with drug problems for years.  The current charge actually stems from a false report he filed last October.  Boy claimed that his Manhattan apartment had been burglarized.  It's not clear from the report why he did so, but it is clear from the report that inviting the police over when you have cocaine lying around is not the greatest idea.

The service must be completed before August 28 if Boy hopes to avoid jail time.

Link: AP via SFGate.com

O.J. Continues Zany Antics by Appearing on Candid-Camera Show

"Juiced" is the name of the new show, which will be appearing on pay-per-view soon (if it isn't already).  On the show, O.J. Simpson, who you may recall was accused a few years ago of killing his ex-wife and her friend, yuks it up with various candid-camera pranks, including some that hark back to the murder case itself.

For example, Simpson visits a used-car lot and pretends to try to sell it to an unsuspecting buyer, saying that he made it famous.  "It was good for me," O.J. cracks about the car that featured in what has to have been the most embarrassing episode in his life.  "It helped me get away."

Other practical jokes on the show evidently include O.J. dressing up as an Elvis impersonator, as a bum selling oranges for money and as an elderly man leading a Bingo game.  All kind of funny, I guess, apart from the whole hey-didn't-you-cut-your-wife's-head-off issue.  Which is what the Brown and Goldman families were pointing out this week.  Fred Goldman said he found Simpson's conduct "morally reprehensible," and the Browns' attorney noted that any money Simpson made from the deal would presumably be going to satisfy the judgment against him in the civil case.  Most of that $33.5 million judgment remains unpaid.

I think we can safely assume that O.J. will certainly apply towards the judgment whatever is left once he deducts expenses incurred in his continuing search for the real killers.  From what I read, he has been carefully searching golf courses and strip clubs in southern Florida, apparently to no avail.

The producer of the show, Rick Mahr, insisted that O.J. was not being paid at all for his work:  "Basically O.J. Simpson has decided to do this because he wants to do it, and he wanted to have fun with it."  I would bet there is some form of compensation in this deal.  At least, I hope so, because the fun quotient seems somewhat low.

Link: MSNBC.com

California Finally Passes Anti-Tom-Cruise Law

The California Assembly has overwhelmingly passed a bill that would bar the purchase of ultrasound machines by private parties.  While Tom Cruise is not specifically mentioned in the bill, and unfortunately will probably not be covered by the law if it passes (it's not retroactive), the bill was apparently introduced as a result of Cruise's purchase of an ultrasound machine so that he could watch his developing alien baby around the clock.  Cruise bought the $200,000 machine last November, saying he would donate it to a hospital once the infant had emerged from its incubation pod.  He would not reveal to people who cared whether the child was a boy or a girl.  When Barbara Walters asked him "What do you see?", he replied "A little baby."  A little baby Scientologist, he means.

Doctors objected to the purchase on the grounds that, while unlikely, tissue damage is possible from the kind of ultrasound overuse that might result from a nutbag celebrity's getting hold of one.  No significant health risks have been attributed to ordinary non-unlicensed-celebrity use, and according to the FDA the only demonstrated effect from such use has been a slight increase in left-handedness among boys, which is already creepy enough for me.  But some studies have shown that ultrasound can produce physical effects in tissue, especially when used for a prolonged period of time.  The combined effect of ultrasound and the fixed and toothy gaze of a crazy film star has not yet been evaluated.

The California Legislature got involved because they have solved all of California's other problems and have been kicking around waiting for something to do.

The preface of the bill, which is unfortunately not called "Suri's Law," states that "as more advanced ultrasound technologies (including using higher ultrasound intensities) become available, fetal keepsake videos and portraits for souvenirs have become more popular.  There are a number of facilities in California that offer a variety of keepsake ultrasounds, including movies and three-dimensional obstetrical images."  Of course there are.  But at least if the bill passes the Senate, no others will be in the gestation rooms of celebrity homes.

Link: AP via SFGate.com
Link: Cal. AB 2360

David Copperfield Claims to Have Tricked Muggers

Illusionist David Copperfield and two of his assistants were robbed Sunday night by a group of teenagers who drove up as the performers were walking to their tour bus after a show in Palm Beach, Florida.  Two of the teens pointed guns at them and demanded their belongings.  The two assistants handed over a total of about $700, a passport, plane tickets and a cell phone.  Copperfield apparently handed over nothing.  The reason for this is in some dispute, however.

According to the AP report, Copperfield told police that he had refused to empty his pockets, and so apparently the teens just fled with what they had.  But Copperfield later told the Palm Beach Post that (I'm quoting the AP story here) "he turned his pockets inside out to reveal nothing in them, even though he was carrying his passport, wallet and cell phone."  Copperfield was quoted as saying, "Call it reverse pickpocketing."

I don't know -- I may call it "spin."  Maybe Copperfield did use his powers of illusion to bamboozle a gang of armed robbers, but that's not what he told the police.  And shouldn't he have just made them all disappear?  That would have been better for his two lovely assistants, that's for sure (although they did get their stuff back).

Copperfield was able to produce the car's license plate (the number, not the actual plate) for police after the robbers departed.  Police later arrested the four teenagers and they are being held without bond, as they are apparently unable to escape from a locked room.

Link: AP via SFGate.com

Village Policeman Charged With Corruption

Victor Willis, the highest-ranking member of the Village People, has been re-arrested after attempting to flee from gun and drug charges against him in San Mateo County, California.

Ironically, he was the policeman.

Willis, who was the co-author of such hits as "In the Navy" and "YMCA," has apparently been in trouble numerous times in recent years.  He had agreed to a plea deal on the earlier charges that would have led to a maximum of 16 months in jail.  He later disappeared, only to be re-arrested this past weekend.  The attempted flight means that he now may face a sentence of more than five years in jail.

The construction worker, cowboy, and biker could not be reached for comment.

Not sure what point Reuters News wa