Constitutional Law

UPDATE: Fired Butt Artist Settles Wrongful-Termination Lawsuit

I have just learned that, last month, the parties reached a settlement in Stan Murmer's wrongful-termination lawsuit against his former employer.  As you may recall from prior reports on his firing and on the denial of the school district's motion to dismiss, Murmer had been fired from his teaching job after the district learned that, in his spare time, Murmer "created paintings by using his posterior and other body parts as a stamp with which to imprint paint onto a canvas."  Murmer, who was represented pro bono by the ACLU, will receive $65,000 under the terms of the settlement.

I apologize for the delay in getting you this important information.

Link: WTOPnews.com

Butt Artist's Case Against Former Employer Will Proceed

"Butt Artist Trial is Set" was the actual headline of the article at the link below, which informs us that a motion to dismiss Stephen Murmer's lawsuit against his former employer was denied on February 15.  Murmer, you may recall, is the teacher who was fired when his school district learned that, in his spare time, Murmer is an artist who paints things with his butt.

According to Murmer's complaint, the district had been aware of his technique since 2004, but the paint hit the fan in 2007 when the students learned about it.  Murmer had at some point appeared on a TV show to demonstrate his art, and a clip from that show later made its way to YouTube.  (Here's a link to the video in question.)

Murmer eventually sued the district, claiming he was wrongfully terminated because what he did with his business on his own time was his business, and constitutionally protected business at that.  (The ACLU is representing Murmer for free.)  In the complaint, which is available from the ACLU via Murmer's own website, www.buttprintart.com, Murmer concedes that uses his "posterior" to paint, but describes his art as building on established traditions within post-modernism:

17. As the artist Stan Murmur, Plaintiff developed the technique of incorporating his own body and the bodies of models as “brushes” or “stamps” in the process of painting, continuing, combining and developing the traditions of, for example, tattoo art (where the human body is used as canvas), and Anthropometry of the post-modern French Artist Yves Klein (1928-1962), who used female bodies as “living brushes" in the process of creating art.

18. Plaintiff has thus created paintings by using his posterior and other body parts as a stamp with which to imprint paint onto a canvas.

Laura's Hawaiian Vacation 19. With this technique, which includes sitting in paint and then pressing his buttocks onto a canvas, Plaintiff has created paintings which range from depicting stylized flowers to portraiture and patterns.

20. These seemingly simple paintings thus have a surprise in store for the viewer: only gradually, if at all, comes the realization that the image has been created with monotypes of the human body, a realization intended to reverberate in the viewer, setting in motion a process of self-discovery of one’s own personality traits, oscillation between watching a flower (or portrait or pattern) and one’s preconceived bias of the human body. The artist’s hope is that the viewer thus discovers his individual personality characteristics through visual response – as well as his personal views on
the concept and the purpose of art.

Once you're finished oscillating, why not contact Mr. Murmer to commission some work?  If you've always wanted to have your portrait painted by someone using his ass, now's your chance.

Last Friday (Feb. 15), Judge Robert Payne heard a motion by the school district to dismiss the teacher/artist's case, and after about an hour of oral argument he denied the motion.  Trial is set for March 11.

Hopefully, Murmer will act as his own sketch artist during the trial.

Link: NBC12 (Virginia)
Link: Chesterfield County (VA) Public Schools

UPDATE: Monkey Denied Person Status

As I reported last October, an Austrian court refused to grant Matthew H. Pan legal standing on the grounds that he is a chimpanzee, and it appears that the Supreme Court of Austria has now affirmed that decision.

An animal-rights group had sued on Mr. Pan's behalf after the shelter where he had lived for 25 years declared bankruptcy.  Pan had been shipped to Austria illegally for use in experiments but was found and turned over to the shelter.  The group sought to represent him, or alternatively to have him declared a legal "person" for purposes of preventing someone from buying him and shipping him elsewhere where laws against animal cruelty may not be as strong (such as Michael Vick's backyard).

It was unclear from this report whether or not the court had finally rejected the claim, but the court did deny a petition to appoint a trustee for the chimp and said it would be contacting the European Court of Human Rights.  That is not as far-fetched as it might seem, at least in Europe, where at least two countries have amended their constitutions to provide some level of "human rights" to animals.

In America, of course, there is no such constitutional provision, which may not be that surprising since it sadly took us quite a while even to give all humans human rights.  My understanding is that we currently deal with the animal-rights issue on a species-by-species basis, generally according to the cuteness and/or tastiness of the species involved.  But I'm not an expert in this field.

Link: AP via Law.com
Link: Wikipedia's "Animal Rights" article (surprisingly, but not entirely, neutral)

Missouri City Council to Consider Ban on Swearing, Bar Dancing

Saying that legislation is necessary because the historic downtown area "gets a little too lively on some nights," City Councilman Richard Veit of St. Charles, Missouri (a St. Louis suburb) has proposed a measure that would ban swearing and other lively conduct in the city's drinking establishment.

That's the last thing a city needs, especially in Missouri -- a lively downtown.  I remember when Kansas City's downtown used to be just swarming with lively tumbleweeds (actually, I don't remember that, because no one ever went downtown), but I think that situation has changed recently.  As far as I know, swearing is still legal there.

In St. Charles, however, Veit says he proposed Bill 9527 in response to citizen complaints, and that its purpose is only to give police some rules to enforce in rowdy situations.  In addition to the existing prohibitions on certain conduct where alcoholic beverages are sold (hint: there are lots of things that cannot be "exposed to public view"), the bill would make it illegal to "allow any indecent, profane or obscene language, song, entertainment, literature or advertising material upon the premises."  Chapter 115.12(G) (proposed).  That seems significantly less than constitutional, since it would preclude not just swearing but everything from The Onion to Ulysses (I mention that on the off chance anyone might be reading Ulysses in a bar in Missouri).

Another new provision would make it illegal to "permit any person to dance, sit or stand upon a bar, tables, or any other raised surface that is used for preparing or serving food or beverages."  Chapter 115.12(F).  If that passes, I am immediately flying to St. Charles where I plan to lay down on every bar I can find.

Local resident Marc Rousseau, who coincidentally owns a bar, said he thinks the bill needs to at least be revised.  "We're dealing with adults here once again [either he's made this argument before or they frequently deal with adults there] and I don't think it's the city's job or the government's job to determine what we can and cannot play [or dance on] in our restaurant," Rousseau said.  Rousseau runs a place called "R.T. Weilers," which is presumably lively.

According to the "Quick Facts" section of the St. Charles website, the city's "rich heritage" includes the fact that Lewis and Clark left from there to explore the Northwest Territory.  Actually, I guess it includes two facts: (1) Lewis and Clark arrived in St. Charles in May 1804, and (2) then they left.  Clark wrote that upon arriving in St. Charles, "a number [of] Spectators flocked to the bank to See the party . . . . Chiefly French, those people appear pore, polite and harmonious."  In view of the current need for an anti-swearing ordinance, it seems that is at most fifty percent true today.

The city council will discuss the proposal at a meeting on January 14.

Link: AP via FindLaw.com
Link: City of St. Charles

Proposed Law Would Require Thai Drivers to Stop for National Anthem

Apparently believing that citizens (or at least motorists) are not sufficiently patriotic, a group of lawmakers in Thailand have proposed a new law that would require drivers to stop whenever the national anthem is played, which in Thailand happens every day over loudspeakers at 8 a.m. and 6 p.m.

Thailand has been run by a military junta since 2006, and the 250 members of the legislature have been appointed by the generals since then.  The group proposing the new "Flag Bill" is itself made up of retired and active-duty generals.

According to the report, most Thais already stop what they are doing and stand at attention when the national anthem, Phleng chat thai, is played twice daily.  (The report didn't say whether they do this out of patriotism or a desire to not get shot.)  Gen. Pricha Rochanasena, speaking for the supporters of the Flag Bill, said that the new law would simply "allow motorists to be patriotic too."  Seems hard to argue with that -- that, and bullets.

Also supporting the extreme reasonableness of the proposed legislation: the Thai anthem is supposedly really short.  "The national anthem lasts only one minute and eight seconds, so why can't motorists stop their cars for the sake of the country?" said Rochanasena.  "They already spend more time [than that] in traffic jams anyway."

Information on the relative length of national anthems is surprisingly hard to find, but according to one report the shortest anthem is Qatar's at 32 seconds.  No trouble there -- you could respect that one while you were stopped at a red light.  There doesn't seem to be any agreement as to which is the longest, although Greece and Uruguay get mentioned a lot.  Of course, it would depend on who's singing.  For example, according to Sports Illustrated's "Dr. Z," who says he has been timing "The Star-Spangled Banner" at sporting events for 50 years, that one has been sung in as little as 1:03 (at a Falcons game in 1977) but more often is around 1:30.  Beyonce dragged it out to 2:09 in 2004.  Longest ever: somone named Leona Giles at an Oakland Raiders game -- 2:34.8.  "It was an awful, awful thing to listen to."

Point is, the Thai anthem is short but not that short.  Luckily, a vote on the bill scheduled for November 22 was deferred to allow further study, said another party member, the awesomely named Wallop Tangkananurak.  "It would be chaotic if the bill had passed as it is now," he said.

Link: Reuters
Link: Wikipedia's list of national anthems

ACLU May Defend Toilet-Insulter

Dawn Herb was cited last week for disorderly conduct after a neighbor heard her shouting profanities.  Although Dawn (who I'm going to call "Dawn" because calling Dawn "Herb" seems weird) was inside her own home at the time, she admitted she was near an open bathroom window so her neighbor could have heard the swearing.

She was near the open bathroom window because she was shouting profanities at her toilet, which was overflowing.

Dawn's neighbor, an off-duty police officer, asked her to keep it down but apparently the profanities continued.  At that point, there was nothing he could do but call in the authorities.  Dawn now faces up to 90 days in jail and a fine of up to $300 for yelling at her own toilet inside her own home.

"It doesn't make any sense," she told the Scranton Times-Tribune.  "I was in my house.  It's not like I was outside [see "I was in my house," supra] or drunk.  The toilet was overflowing and leaking down into the kitchen and I was yelling [to my daughter] to get the mop."  She did not recall exactly what she said but conceded that profanity was involved.

It's unclear from the report whether the American Civil Liberties Union has signed up to defend Dawn, or whether they were just contacted by the Associated Press for comment, but it is clear that they are on the side of free expression.  Said an ACLU attorney in Philadelphia, "You can't prosecute somebody for swearing at a cop or a toilet." 

Link: San Francisco Chronicle

Romney Would "Sit Down With Attorneys" Before Attacking Iran

Among the facts we learned from the GOP candidates' debate in Michigan last week is that attorneys would have more power than ever if Mitt Romney is elected president.  (And no, we don't have enough already.  What kind of a question is that?)  Asked by Chris Matthews whether, if he were president, he would feel the need to get authorization from Congress before attacking Iran, Romney said his course was clear:  First, "you sit down with your attorneys."

MATTHEWS:  Governor Romney, that raises the question, if you were president of the United States, would you need to go to Congress to get authorization to take military action against Iran's nuclear facilities?

ROMNEY: You sit down with your attorneys and tell you what you have to do, but obviously the president of the United States has to do what's in the best interest of the United States to protect us against a potential threat. The president did that as he was planning on moving into Iraq and received the authorization of Congress...

MATTHEWS: Did he need it?

ROMNEY: You know, we're going to let the lawyers sort out what he needed to do and what he didn't need to do.

Other candidates had different views, and none of them wanted a research memo, though for different reasons.  Congressman Ron Paul, who sort of reminds me of a sane Ross Perot, threw out the wacky idea that maybe he would just read the Constitution himself:

MATTHEWS:  Congressman Paul, do you believe the president needs authorization of Congress to attack strategic targets in Iran, nuclear facilities?

PAUL: Absolutely. This idea of going and talking to attorneys totally baffles me. Why don't we just open up the Constitution and read it? You're not allowed to go to war without a declaration of war.

I think he's right on this one, but you can click on the tiny Constitution below and make up your own mind.  Article I, section 8:

United States Constitution

The Congress shall have power ... To define and punish Piracies and Felonies committed on the high Seas, and Offences against the Law of Nations;
To declare War, grant Letters of Marque and Reprisal, and make Rules concerning Captures on Land and Water;
To raise and support Armies . . .;
To provide and maintain a Navy; [and]
To make Rules for the Government and Regulation of the land and naval Forces . . . .

The capitalization needs a lot of work, but the basic idea seems pretty clear.

Then there's Mike Huckabee:

HUCKABEE:  I would do it in a heartbeat.

MATTHEWS: Without going to Congress?

HUCKABEE: Well, if it's necessary to get it done because it's actionable right now, yes. If you have the time and the luxury of going to Congress, that's always better.

The Congress shall have power . . . to declare War, should there be the Time and the Luxury for the executive to ask it to do so.  Oh, well.  On a lighter note, Huckabee was committed to making America energy-independent within a decade, which he said would require a dramatic change in management style:

HUCKABEE: We can't wait . . . another generation. Instead of running [the project] like Nascar, we've been running it like taking the family station wagon in for letting Goober and Gomer take a look at it when they get time, under the shade tree.

(LAUGHTER)

(UNKNOWN): Senator Thompson, let me ask you to respond on ethanol. Should the government determine whether ethanol makes sense... or should the market?

THOMPSON: First of all, I want to explain for my friends here who Goober and Gomer are.

(LAUGHTER)

His best line of the night.

Link: Chicago Tribune
Link: Transcript of Debate (Detroit Free Press)
Link: Transcript of U.S. Constitution (National Archives)

Federal Court Dismisses 15-Count Lawsuit Alleging That Plaintiff Was Unfairly Given a "C"

All of us have likely had an issue with grading "on the curve" at one time or another, but what is one to do if "the empirical data was quite clear and convincing to any reasonable mind that [one's] performance was well within a higher range" than reflected in one's final grade?  One's course is clear.

In January, Brian Marquis, a student at the University of Massachusetts at Amherst, filed a 15-count class-action lawsuit in federal court after he got a C instead of the A- he thought he deserved in his political philosophy class.  In the suit, Marquis, acting on behalf of himself and Does 1-25,000 (all of whom apparently agree that Brian should have gotten a better grade), alleges that the practice of grading on the curve, as implemented by defendant and teaching assistant Jeremy Cushing, violated the First, Fifth, and Fourteenth Amendments; 42 U.S.C. §§ 1981-83, 1985, and 1986; 18 U.S.C. § 241 (conspiracy to do the foregoing); the Massachusetts consumer protection law; and common-law doctrines including promissory estoppel and intentional infliction of emotional distress.

Coincidentally, Marquis is a paralegal who has returned to college to get a degree in legal studies.

Marquis alleges that Cushing set forth a grading formula at the start of last semester under which, by Marquis's calculation, he should have scored a 92.5, "translating, by universally accepted standards," into an A-.  Whilst reviewing his fall 2006 grades, however, "Plaintiff noticed a grade of C in the . . . Problems in Social Thought" class.  "On or about 10 January 2007," the complaint continues, "Plaintiff e-mailed Cushing with this apparent discrepancy and ask[ed] him to reevaluate, or in the alternative, explain the method used . . . ."  Cushing responded that, by his calculations, Marquis had scored an 84, not 92.5, but that Cushing had graded on a curve in any event.  And he told Marquis that "I thought your grade (of C) was a good reflection of your work."  The school's ombudsman did not agree with Marquis that he had a grievance.

Next stop, federal court.  The key paragraph of the complaint is really paragraph 23, in which Marquis describes the harm.  Scarring his transcript with a C "has left Plaintiff's undergraduate transcript as a dismal record of non-achievement. . . . [T]he chances of any student with C letter grades seeking admission to graduate school is remote. . . . Since Plaintiff did not earn a C final letter grade, he should not have to bear the burden of carrying this beast around with him forever."

Those of you who have been worrying about "grade inflation," take note: the Scarlet Letter used to be an A.

Last week, after what the Boston Globe described as a "brief hearing," Judge Michael Ponsor dismissed the lawsuit.  Marquis later discussed the case with a reporter for the Globe, delivering the quote above as to the clear-and-convincingness of the empirical data and so forth.  (The article notes that Marquis "salts his comments with 'strike that.'")  Marquis also said that he is considering an appeal.

Link: Boston Globe
Link: Marquis v. University of Massachusetts, et al. 

New Jersey Supreme Court Will Hear Inflatable-Rat Case

The New Jersey Supreme Court will be addressing free-speech issues in a case involving a giant inflatable rat, after an appeals court affirmed a township's decision to fine a union representative $133 for displaying the rat at an event.

Rat_babbio New Jersey v. DeAngelo arises from the use by members of the International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers of the inflatable rat during a 2005 protest outside a Gold's Gym in Lawrence Township, New Jersey.  (The opinion explains that the rat "is a well-known symbol of protesting unfair labor practices."  The examples depicted here were used by IBEW in other cities.)  Gold's Gym called police and objected to the rat.  The IBEW was ordered to remove it on the grounds that it violated a local sign ordinance banning (among other things) "balloon signs or other Comcast_ratinflated signs (excepting grand opening signs) . . . ."  They did, but the rat was back 45 minutes later, presumably after a .75-hour conference with union attorneys.  Police then issued a summons to Wayne DeAngelo, the senior union official present, who was later found guilty and fined.

On appeal, DeAngelo argued (1) that a rat with nothing written on it cannot be a "sign," and (2) the ordinance is too vague to be enforceable anyway.  The majority, however, found that the rat could qualify as a "sign" on the grounds that it "carr[ied] a symbolic message of a labor protest," and that the First Amendment was not violated partly because the ordinance was "content-neutral" -- all balloon signs are prohibited unless there is a grand opening in progress.

Ratatouille7The dissenting judge thought that more facts were needed as to whether the ordinance was really being  enforced neutrally, and would have remanded the case.  As he pointed out, had a new Disney store opened in the township, it could legally have displayed the same rat right next door, under the "grand opening" exception, as a symbol of its movie, "Ratatouille."

Well, maybe not the same rat, but an inflatable rat of some kind.

Because there was a dissenting opinion, the defendant has the automatic right to appeal to the state supreme court, and says he will do so.

Link: FindLaw.com
Link: BNA Daily Labor Report (Sept. 17, 2007)
Link: Unionize Your Electrified Workplace

"American National" Sues All Nine Supreme Court Justices

SupremeBrave American citizen Jerry Brumbaugh struck a blow for freedom or something on Friday when he sued the nine current members of the United States Supreme Court for making rulings that have violated his constitutional rights.  Specifically, all of them (all the rulings and all the rights).

In the lawsuit, filed in the Springfield division of the Western District of Missouri, Brumbaugh takes issue with the Court's rulings that have "violated my constitutional rights . . . in all manners, ways, and areas of law."  These include:

  • "Violation of civil liberties by allowing a granted clause of the Constitution to violate my rights in many manners and ways,"
  • "Failing to correct violations of the Constitution which it is the duty of the Court to do," and
  • "Allowing unlawfully the loss of civil liberties by contractual means into the sphere of the 14th Amendment."

We would probably all agree that there are lots of "violations of the Constitution" that the Court has been failing to correct, although we would probably all disagree about exactly what those violations are.  Perhaps hoping to save space, Brumbaugh does not allege any facts supporting his own personal claim.  It is refreshing to see a complaint limited to three pages (especially after last week's titanic 239-page "brief" on behalf of Jeff Skilling), but this one probably needed a little more detail.  And a little more research -- I know the liberal wing of the Court is in the minority these days, but it would still be polite to spell Justice Breyer's name correctly.

On the other hand, Brumbaugh's complaint is consistent with his position that, since he is "an American national citizen," those pesky Federal Rules of Procedure do not apply to him.  The argument seems to be that the Bill of Rights amended "every preceeding [sic] clause" of the Constitution, so that the 14th Amendment's Due Process Clause applies directly to the action, authorizing Jerry D. Brumbaugh to do whatever he wants: "Plaintiff hereby asserts that the rules may not be used to interfere with this case . . . nor its continuance before the courts."

That argument didn't fly in a previous case, Brumbaugh v. Tandy, to which Brumbaugh refers in this complaint in support of his request that counsel be appointed for him.  (In both cases, he has specifically requested Gerry Spence.)  The complaint in that case elaborated a bit on Brumbaugh's arguments, and made some more creative ones, such as the argument that the Privileges & Immunities Clause grants a "right to protection by the government," and "to allow a pro se litigant to flounder is a horrid violation of the right to protection."  Maybe so, but it can also be very entertaining.  I hereby assert the right to deny Mr. Brumbaugh counsel, as to appoint one would infringe upon my pursuit of happiness.

In Brumbaugh v. Thomas, et al., of course, plaintiff has taken a more direct approach, as his certificate of service indicates: "YOU ARE HEREBY GIVEN NOTICE THAT YOU NINE JUSTICES ARE BEING SUED FOR VIOLATIONS OF THE U.S. CONSTITUTION."  Should he prevail, he requests "a ruling that the judges [sic] of the U.S. Supreme Court have violated the Constitution," and as damages "the net worth of each justice as payment for their deriliction [sic] of duty."  You nine justices should take note.

Link:  Brumbaugh v. Thomas, et al., Case No. 07-CV-3295 (W.D. Mo. filed Sept. 7, 2007) (PDF).
Link: The Supreme Court (for now) of the United States

UPDATED AGAIN: Lawyer Has Client Tasered; Says He "Had No Choice"

A legal team in Southern California trying to create a defense exhibit has come under fire for what some might call "thinking outside the box," but others have suggested might be "illegal human experimentation."

Taser_2 George Engman is on trial in West Valley Superior Court for trespassing, public intoxication and resisting arrest after an incident at the Ontario Mills mall in 2006.  Engman claims that the police used excessive force when they detained him, and specifically that they shocked him 10 to 14 times with a Taser-style stun gun.  (It's not clear to me how this helps the defense -- it's still trespassing even if you get beaten up for doing it -- but the argument may be that he could not have resisted arrest because he was preoccupied with the 50,000 volts he'd been introduced to.)  The police say he was only shocked three times.  Thus the defense effort to conduct an experiment that would demonstrate the effects of repeated shocks on their client.

And what better way to demonstrate the effect of repeated shocks on your client than by inflicting repeated shocks on your client?  Engman's lawyer hired a consultant to do the tasering (possibly realizing it might not look good for counsel to zap the client himself).  The consultant shocked Engman "several times" with a stun gun and videotaped the proceedings.  To give credit where credit is due, the lawyer did not let his client face the tasering alone.  He also had himself tasered, as well as his brother (who is also his law partner).  The videotape, which reportedly "showed Engman writhing," was shown at a hearing last Wednesday, after which a few questions were raised.  ("Can I try that" was likely not among them.)

Specifically, the district attorney raised the question of whether the testing might have violated the "Protection of Human Subjects in Medical Experimentation Act."  See Cal. Health & Safety Code sec. 24170 et seq.  That law establishes an "experimental subject's bill of rights," basically constituting the subject's right to have the experiment fully explained, and requires informed consent.  It defines "medical experiment" to include "the use of a drug or device [or] electromagnetic radiation . . . in or upon a human subject in the practice or research of medicine" if that does not "directly benefit[] the subject."  It is unclear whether the client provided his consent in writing (though it seems clear he consented), and according to reports, the consultant admitted he was not certified to use a Taser.

But the defense argues that the test did (or was intended to) directly benefit the subject because it is part of a legal defense; maybe so, although a better argument might be that they were not "practicing medicine." And I would also argue that a prosecution for doing this might be barred by California's "litigation privilege" as well as by various constitutional provisions that protect the right of an accused to present a defense.  (I should make clear to my own clients that I'm not planning on experimenting on them any time soon, just thinking out loud.)  Engman's attorney said that the test was necessary to gather evidence because neither the DA nor the stun-gun manufacturer would provide studies explaining the kinds of wounds or marks that can be made by the device.  "We had no other choice," he said.  "We did it because our backs were up against the wall.  It was for the greater good."

The district attorney's office said last week that it was still to early to decide whether the shocker and/or any of the shockees would be prosecuted, but it seems unlikely.  A legal expert contacted by ABC News said the claim that the team was engaged in "research" sounded "laughable," although ABC did not report whether he himself actually laughed.

The TASER company's website provides a lot of research studies, and links to others, though I did not see any studies of the kind the defense was referring to.  But there is a lot of fairly comprehensive information on the site that could prove useful to everyone from scientists ("Effect of Varying Dart Separation along the Cardiac Axis on Ventricular Arrhythmia Induction during TASER Application") to the recently unthawed ("To many people, electricity sounds dangerous. Indeed, it can be").

Link: Orange County Register
Link: ABA Journal
Link: ABC News
Link: Research Studies Made Available on TASER.com

Federal Government Learns There is "Obscenity" on Internet; Is Sort of Prosecuting It

The New York Times reported last week on a newly discovered program funded -- but not run -- by the Justice Department, which apparently pays two retired detectives to look at "sexual Web sites and other Internet traffic" to see if they can find some obscene material that the government should prosecute.  The program is funded by a $150,000 grant that in turn is based on an "earmark" provision sponsored by a representative from Virginia.

According to the Times, the actual grant recipient is Morality in Media, a conservative/religious group dedicated to fighting pornography.  The group runs a website called ObscenityCrimes.org, which provides an online complaint form for citizens to report obscenity.  (The DOJ's Obscenity Prosecution Task Force links to all this on its website.)  No fewer than 67,000 complaints have allegedly been filed through this website over the last few years.

Prosecutions to date: zero.

This particular program does not target child pornography -- that is investigated and prosecuted by a different DOJ section -- and the DOJ itself is not devoting any energy to this one.  The Times said that the department "seems not to take [it] very seriously," and noted that the department's website not only cautions people against filing false complaints but actually advises them not to go hunting for obscenity, partly because "men are particularly vulnerable to pornographic addiction."  Except, apparently, for the retired law-enforcement officers who are being paid to surf for porn, who are immune.

DOJ grants to the program so far total $300,000, and the group is hoping for another renewal this year, despite the lack of results.  The president of Morality in Media said he understood why "some people might say" the program was not worth the money, but implied that the fault lay with the Justice Department for not following up on any prosecutions.

On the other hand, Stephen Bates, a professor at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, who discovered the program through a Freedom of Information Act request, said that its First Amendment implications were serious.  Basically, he said in an op-ed piece last month, the government had outsourced criminal investigation of the topic to a religious-oriented group that was not accountable for possible overreaching in the way the DOJ might be.

Speaking of accountability, I also learned on the DOJ site that Attorney General Alberto Gonzales was in Baghdad this weekend, apparently looking for a safer environment than he's been in lately.

Link: New York Times

Court Denies Motion to Preclude Reference to "President Bush" and/or "Free Speech"

A civil-rights lawsuit by 78-year-old Harold Lischner against the township of Upper Darby, Pennsylvania, has generated a couple of interesting motions in limine.

It's also now generated a blog post that may be the first document anywhere to use the adjective "interesting" to describe a motion in limine.  For non-attorney readers, this is a motion to exclude evidence -- you know, the blue thing the defense attorneys are always handing somebody on "Law & Order."

For readers under 12, or those not convinced that this is going to be interesting, here's a clip of Sesame Street's "Law & Order: Special Letters Unit," in which the squad tries to locate the letter "M," and frequently invokes the "chung chung" sound (that's what the Muppets call it).

Anyway, Lischner, a doctor and a professor at Temple University, was charged with disorderly conduct in 2003 for protesting a GOP fund-raiser attended by the President in Upper Darby, described by the Philadelphia Inquirer as a "traditionally Republican township."  Lischner, one of about 50 protesters, carried a sign with the punchy but wordy slogan, "Withdraw our troops from Iraq. Give the $87 billion to the Iraqi governing council and UN for immediate relief and repair of the destruction we caused."  The sign was described as "torso-sized," which I would think means the words would have been too small to be read by anyone not already in the group of protesters, which would seem to defeat the purpose.  I guess it depends on whose torso we're talking about.

Whatever the problem really was, police repeatedly told Lischner to put the sign away and leave.  When he didn't, he was arrested for something called "defiant trespass," but was actually charged with disorderly conduct.  He was acquitted of that charge, and later sued the township, alleging that his civil rights had been violated.  This led to the interesting motions in limine filed by the township's attorneys to exclude evidence from the trial set to begin on Monday, July 23.

First, they moved to exclude any reference at trial to the message on Lischner's sign, or the person at whom it was theoretically directed -- the President of the United States.  They argued that these facts were irrelevant, or alternatively, and more comically, that any relevance they might have would be outweighed by the danger of unfair prejudice to the defendant township -- specifically, that jurors will associate it with President Bush.  Because the President has "the worst approval rating of an American president in a generation," the township's lawyer wrote (italics his), "President Bush's identity, in and of itself, presents the danger that the jury will favor plaintiff . . . ."  Holding that these facts were relevant to the question whether there was probable cause to arrest Lischner, the court denied these motions.

Second, the township moved to exclude any argument by Lischner that his First Amendment rights had been violated, since he was only alleging a claim under the Fourth Amendment for unlawful seizure.  The judge did preclude Lischner from asking for damages for a "violation of the First Amendment," but he rejected the township's other claim -- to preclude any reference at all to "free speech" or the "First Amendment."

The irony of a motion asking that someone be ordered to keep quiet about "free speech" does not seem to have registered with anybody.  The judge did not mention it, either, but did hold that these concepts were still relevant to Lischner's claim that there was no probable cause to arrest him, and to the damages he may have suffered.  Chung chung.

Barring some kind of settlement over the weekend, the trial will begin Monday morning.  Maybe Upper Darby should seek a continuance, given that success in Iraq is  just around the corner.

Link: Philadelphia Inquirer
Link: Lischner v. Upper Darby Township, No. 05-4546 (Mem. Order of July 11, 2007).
Link: Download the "Law & Order" sound, a.k.a. "chung chung," "doink doink," etc.

No Protection for "BONG HiTS 4 JESUS"

A united conservative majority of the Supreme Court ruled today in Morse v. Frederick that there is no First Amendment protection for a student who unfurled a banner supporting "BONG HiTS 4 JESUS" across the street from his school.  Writing 4 the majority of 5, Chief Justice Roberts (joined by Kennedy, Alito, Scalia, and, surprisingly, Thomas) wrote that the Ninth Circuit had been wrong to find that Frederick was wrongly punished for the banner.

The majority first disposed of Frederick's claim that thisBonghitsdecision_2 was not a school-speech case because he was not at school.  He was not at school, but he was across the street with a banner pointed at school, so this part of the decision makes sense.  Those who will be supporting bong hits for Jesus elsewhere, though, should be aware that the Court agreed with the language of the school superintendent's decision that a student cannot "stand in the midst of his fellow students, during school hours, at a school-sanctioned activity and claim he is not at school," even if he is not at school.  Future banner-wielders should beware of attempts to expand the protected zone.

In fact, as Roberts noted, "every other authority" to consider the at-school issue had reached the same conclusion: the Ninth Circuit, the district court, the school board, the superintendent, and even "Principal Morse."  Thus, a number of judges who not long ago scoffed at the idea of consulting the law of other civilized countries on the question of the death penalty have signed on to an opinion citing "Principal Morse" as authority.

The harder questions were whether the school's interpretation of the banner as promoting illegal drug use was reasonable, and if so whether it could restrict that speech at a school event.  The Chief Justice of the United States then wrote a paragraph analyzing whether a reference to "bong hits" necessarily advocated the use of illegal drugs.  He concluded that it did, for three reasons:

First, the phrase could be interpreted as an imperative: "[Take] bong hits ..." --a message equivalent, as Morse explained in her declaration, to "smoke marijuana" or "use an illegal drug." Alternatively, the phrase could be viewed as celebrating drug use--"bong hits [are a good thing]," or "[we take] bong hits"--and we discern no meaningful distinction between celebrating illegal drug use in the midst of fellow students and outright advocacy or promotion.

Third, he said, there appeared to be a "paucity of alternative meanings."  There was indeed such a paucity.  (Every time a lawyer uses a phrase like that I have a mental picture of Joel's dad in Risky Business saying "A slight preponderance of bass, perhaps?")  Frederick described it as "meaningless and funny."  Roberts noted that the dissenters also did not have much luck, referring to it variously as "curious," "ambiguous," "nonsense," "ridiculous," "obscure," "silly," "quixotic" and "stupid."  The majority concluded this was not political speech and so could be reasonably have been restricted by the school.

Justice Thomas wrote separately to make clear that he would go further and vote to reverse the school-speech standard set forth forty years ago in Tinker v. Des Moines School District.  That is not activist, though, because during the colonial era, "teachers managed classrooms with an iron hand."  No unfurling of banners linking bong hits with the Savior, or any member of the Holy Trinity, was tolerated.  Under the doctrine of in loco parentis (which I believe is Latin for "like a crazy parent"), Thomas wrote, teachers were allowed to do pretty much anything apart from inflict "clearly excessive" corporal punishment.  One line of cases seems to have held that anything was okay other than an action taken with legal malice or one that caused "permanent injury."  (Going loco approved, so long as injuries only temporary.)  Tinker was a sea change from that grand tradition, Thomas said, and he made clear his view that the Constitution flatly "does not afford students a right to free speech in public schools."

Reading this, I assume that Thomas's record of causing zero incidents of laughter during oral argument is intact.

Justice Stevens, joined by Souter and Ginsberg, agreed that the principal should not be liable for violating First Amendment rights, but did not agree that Frederick could be disciplined simply because his banner made an "oblique reference to drugs."  (I'm not sure "bong hits" is too "oblique," but I admire his spirit.)  Stevens did not quite call the banner "political speech," but he noted that this was still viewpoint discrimination and should be presumed unconstitutional unless there was some reason to think the speech would actually cause the harm that the government seeks to avoid.  Stevens did not think there was a big risk of that:

Admittedly, some high school students (including those who use drugs) are dumb. Most students, however, do not shed their brains at the schoolhouse gate, and most students know dumb advocacy when they see it.  The notion that the message on this banner would actually persuade either the average student or even the dumbest one to change his or her behavior is most implausible.

You know, I once saw a student shed his brain at the schoolhouse gate, and it was no prettier than that metaphor.  But the point still seems like a pretty good one.

The fourth dissenting vote was Justice Breyer, who agreed that there should be no claim for damages but thought the case should be remanded because Frederick's punishment might turn out to be justified on some non-constitutional ground.  That was just a speed bump to the majority's speeding Camaro of constitutional interpretation.  The Chief gave it the footnote treatment.

So, general agreement on qualified immunity for the principal, a majority voting that the school's position was at least reasonable, three votes strongly supporting freedom of speech, and one vote for the Colonial standard of punishing free speech with physical punishment (short of permanent injury, of course).

Link: Morse v. Frederick (via FindLaw)

Charges Dropped Against Woman Arrested for Making Faces at Police Dog

A Vermont prosecutor has dropped dog-taunting charges against Jayna Hutchinson of Lebanon, New Hampshire, thus possibly averting a constitutional showdown over free expression.

Hutchinson was arrested on July 31 after police responded to reports of a brawl going on at a market in the town of West Fairlee.  Hutchinson was not part of the brawl, and in fact approached the officers to tell them that she had been assaulted the day before by one of the men who was fighting.  But the officers refused to take her statement, noting that she appeared to be drunk (she was) and telling her that they would take a statement another time.  That did not please Hutchinson, and after words were exchanged she then allegedly approached the police car and engaged in the dog-taunting behavior.

According to Sgt. Todd Protzman's affidavit, Hutchinson approached the car, put her face close to the window behind which police dog Max was minding his own police business and "star[ed] at him in a taunting/harassing manner."  (Most reports of this incident claim that Hutchinson "made faces" at the dog, and that may be true but the details of any such faces were not provided.  It makes a good headline, however.)  The affidavit was not so clear as to why this justified an arrest.  "While the defendant taunted my canine," Sgt. Protzman wrote, "Max was focused on the defendant and the perceived threat she presented to him.  He was no longer focused on me and the other officers at the scene."  This may be an argument that Max could not perform his duties due to the distraction of Hutchinson's glare, but since Max was evidently still sitting inside the police car and not performing any duties, it sounds more like they were just jealous.

Whatever the reason, the officers arrested Hutchinson, and added a charge for resisting arrest when she struggled.  She was scheduled to go to trial today (Thursday) on that charge and a charge of cruelty to a police animal, but on Tuesday the prosecutor, Will Porter, decided to drop the charges.  Having watched a video of the event over the weekend, Porter said he had decided that it would be difficult to prove that the defendant's conduct had actually changed the dog's behavior.  "Most of the time [in harassment cases] people would come tell the court what it felt like," Porter said.  "Dogs can't do that."  Really?  Why not put Max on the stand and have Hutchinson make a face at him, sort of like how they always ask witnesses to point at the defendant if they see him or her in the courtroom?  Let the jury decide.

How many more police dogs have to be stared at in this country before we start taking this kind of thing seriously?

Link: CBS News

Libel Suit Against Food Critic Alleges Steak Sandwich Misclassified

Adam Liptak of the New York Times writes today (March 7) about restaurants filing libel lawsuits against food critics.  The lawsuits are not uncommon, although, as Liptak writes, they are virtually never successful.

The most recent example is a new lawsuit against Craig LaBan of the Philadelphia Inquirer, alleging that LaBan's description of the strip steak at Chops restaurant as "miserably tough and fatty" constituted libel.  Chops doesn't challenge that description, but argues that the item being reviewed was not a "strip steak" at all, but rather a "steak sandwich without bread."  This is a different cut of meat, Chops argues, and says LaBan therefore should not have compared it to a strip steak and that he doesn't even know what the strip steak at Chops tastes like.  Or in legal terms, LaBan "had, and has, no personal knowledge of the quality of the Chops strip steak."

Okay -- but he may well have personal knowledge, apparently, that a Chops steak sandwich without bread is miserably tough and fatty.  (His words, not mine.)

Liptak writes that there are numerous examples, at least in American courts, of rulings that even harshly worded reviews are protected opinion.  Some good ones:

  • "The fish on the Key West platter tasted like old ski boots."  Ruled obvious hyperbole and not an actual comparison of fish to old ski boots the reviewer had once eaten.
  • "Bring a can of Raid if you plan to eat here."  Ruled to be protected "techniques of humor and ridicule."
  • Description of a seafood dish as "Trout a la green plague."  The court: "An ordinarily informed person would not infer that these entrees were actually carriers of communicable diseases."

The article also quotes a legendary review by Matthew Norman of the London Sunday Telegraph Magazine, in 2004, of the London restaurant Shepherds.  His review described Shepherds as "among the very worst restaurants in Christendom," serving "meals of crescendoing monstrosity."  It appears to be one of the few restaurant reviews to compare a dish (the crab and brandy soup) to WMD: "Were it found today in a canister buried in the Iraqi desert," Norman wrote, "it would save Tony Blair's skin."  And for dessert -- the yellowcake?

New York Attorney Will Fight Nunchaku Intolerance (Updated)

Jim Maloney, an attorney in Port Washington, New York, says he will appeal a federal judge's ruling dismissing his claims that his arrest for possession of nunchaku was illegal and unconstitutional.  Nunchaku are . . . you know, those stick things that you've seen in action movies, where some guy jumps into the frame and then spends about 60 seconds showing off by spinning them around all over the place, just before getting shot by an American who is totally fed up with that crap?

Nunchaku

Yeah, those.

Well, Mr. Maloney is very devoted to them.  He said in an interview (and in his complaint) that he has been involved with martial arts since 1975 and was introduced to nunchaku by friends in New Jersey (a storehouse of all such ancient and mystical knowledge).  He has even developed his own style of nunchakuing, which he calls "Shafan Ha-Lavan," Hebrew for "white rabbit."  Maloney says he used the nunchaku only to "hone his dexterity and coordination," never for evil.

But the things are illegal in New York, under Penal Law section 265.01, which also bans switchblades, brass knuckles, sword canes (my personal favorite), and throwing stars, in case you need to go check your inventory.  Maloney was arrested for possession of nunchaku in 2000, after a worker near his home called police and claimed that Maloney had pointed a rifle at him.  Maloney denies that, and says he was merely observing the man through a telescope.  But a 12-hour standoff followed.  Maloney says he was eventually tricked into leaving his home and was arrested without a warrant.  According to the report, police didn't find a rifle, but did find a couple of unregistered handguns and the nunchaku.  Maloney pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct, but then declared war on the anti-nunchaku law.

Accept My Filing, O Master
Striking like a snake, Maloney hands his
declaratory judgment complaint
to the clerk, and pays his filing fee,
before fading back into the night.

Maloney, representing himself, sued for a declaratory judgment that the blanket ban on nunchaku is unconstitutional.  He also challenged the legality of his arrest in a suit against the county and a whole bunch of other people.  That suit is still pending, but the first one was dismissed in early February by Judge Spatt of the Eastern District.  The judge rejected Maloney's claim of a First Amendment right to express himself with nunchaku, a Second Amendment right to bear nunchaku, and a Ninth Amendment right to do whatever it is that the Ninth Amendment lets you do.

Undaunted, Maloney told reporters he would continue his fight against "nunchaku intolerance," saying that "[a] law that punishes a person . . . for the peaceful possession in his or her home of two sticks connected by a cord is nothing less than draconian, and should embarrass us all."  Personally I'm still not over being embarrassed by Abu Ghraib, but I will add this to the list of embarrassments.

The depth of Mr. Maloney's commitment to the issue can be gauged at his websites, www.nunchakulaw.com, where you can read all the documents from the case that you might like to read, and the site of the National Alliance for Relief from Nunchaku Intolerance in America, or "NARNIA," devoted to the repeal of "the draconian laws banning nunchaku possession, particularly in New York and California."  If you want to join NARNIA now, "[t]here is no cost for membership at this time."

Link: Law.com
Link: Maloney v. Cuomo docs at www.nunchakulaw.com
Link: National Alliance for Relief from Nunchaku Intolerance in America

Federal Appeals Court Affirms Right to Call Outfielder a "Fat Ass"

In September, the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Sixth Circuit reinstated a lawsuit brought by a Cleveland Indians fan, Jeffrey Swiecicki, who had been ejected from a game and later convicted of resisting arrest after he loudly referred to the size of the buttocks possessed by outfielder Russell Branyan.  "Branyan, you have a fat ass," Mr. Swiecicki was heard to say.

Swiecicki also opined that Branyan "suck[ed]," according to witnesses.

Branyan did not care, if he even heard, and he actually had three hits that night.  But an off-duty policeman who was working security objected, and when Swiecicki refused to quit he was escorted from the stadium.  The two then got into an altercation and Swiecicki (and that's the last time I'm typing that name) was arrested.

His conviction was later overturned, and he then sued the arresting officer for, among other things, violating his First Amendment rights to free speech.  That lawsuit was dismissed, but the Sixth Circuit's ruling reinstating the case guaranteed that it would continue to consume tax dollars as it has since it began in 2001.

In the 2-1 ruling, the court held that baseball fans are expected to be exuberant (even in Cleveland, I guess) and have a long history of hurling insults at players. These particular insults, the majority found, were protected because of that context and because they did not amount to "fighting words," which are not constitutionally protected.

Since false statements are not entitled to any First Amendment protection at all, I infer from the outcome that Branyan's ass is, in fact, big.

Link: Cleveland Plain Dealer

Ninth Circuit Rejects Right-to-Land-Personal-Jet Case

While the Ninth Circuit is often labeled as a "liberal" court that will accept virtually any civil-rights claim, don't tell that to Ron Tutor, who is still unable to land his private jet at the airport in Hailey, Idaho.  In March, Tutor sued the city after it denied him permission to land at Friedman Memorial Airport, which is near the resort areas around Sun Valley, Idaho, where Tutor keeps a vacation home.  The city's transparently fabricated excuse: the runway can only handle planes weighing less that 95,000 pounds, but Tutor's personal Boeing Business Jet, an "executive version" of a 737, weighs 171,000 pounds, almost twice the limit.

How many times have we all heard that one?

Although Tutor luckily was able to reach his vacation home by means of an alternative, smaller private jet, he was not going to sit still for this flagrant violation of his constitutional and legal rights.  He brought Section 1983 claims against the city alleging violations of, including but not limited to, the following:

  • substantive due process;
  • procedural due process;
  • equal protection;
  • the Airport and Airway Improvement Act of 1982;
  • the Airport Noise and Capacity Act of 1990;
  • his constitutional right to travel; and
  • the Commerce Clause.

Showing restraint, Tutor did not allege violations of the Missouri Compromise, the Monroe Doctrine or the Treaty of Brest-Litovsk.

The claims he did make got him only unrestricted landing rights at Loserville Community Airfield, with a fee award tacked on after the district court found his constitutional claims to be frivolous.  The Ninth Circuit affirmed.  For the most part, the court rested on the fact that Tutor had not actually been denied access to his home, which he was able to reach by means of the smaller plane.  This allowed the court to avoid the questions of, for example, whether a citizen's right to land his private jet wherever he goddamn well pleases is a "fundamental right or liberty interest that is 'deeply rooted in this Nation's history and tradition,'" and whether aircraft weight is a "suspect classification" for purposes of the Equal Protection Clause.

Link: Tutor v. City of Hailey, No. 04-35424 (9th Cir. July 3, 2006) (link to PDF file)

Ninth Circuit Ruling Should Protect Advertising Mascots in Western U.S.

Here's a follow-up to the story from a couple of weeks ago about McHenry, Illinois, trying to ban costumed advertising mascots.  The Ninth Circuit actually ruled this week that a Washington city's similar attempt to ban "portable signs" violated the First Amendment.  Ballen v. City of Redmond, No. 04-35606 (9th Cir. Sept. 15, 2006).

The Redmond ordinance banned "all portable signs" with certain listed exceptions.  The plaintiff, owner of the "Blazing Bagels" bagel shop ("blazing"? they aren't supposed to be set on fire, are they?), refused to comply with the city's notice that he would have to cease and desist having an employee stand outside wearing a sign.  Instead, he sued under the federal civil rights statute seeking a declaratory judgment, and won.  The Ninth Circuit affirmed, finding that the portable sign was "pure commercial speech" and that the city's portable-sign regulation was not narrowly tailored.

Take note, McHenry: the Ninth Circuit also affirmed the grant of fees and costs to Mr. Ballen, so the failed attempt to ban portable signs has cost the City of Redmond at least $165,508.

Link: Ballen opinion (PDF file posted on FindLaw.com)

The McHenry Code

The latest proof that our traditional civil liberties are under siege came in mid-August, when the city council of McHenry, Illinois, passed an ordinance that bans the use of outdoor costumed business mascots.  The councilmembers have apparently classified the mascots as "moving signs" that can be regulated in the same way as other business signs, and are regulating them right out of existence.

The new law will affect Mattress Man (Verlo Mattress Factory) and Lady Liberty (Liberty Tax Services), among others.  Mattress Man until recently danced and waved to motorists for a couple of hours each day, year-round, clad in his 4-by-3-foot baby blue costume "with comically large hands"; and Lady Liberty waved to potential tax-preparation customers between January and April, because who doesn't choose their tax preparer according to which one has the friendliest mascot?

Only 23 percent of Liberty Tax customers, according to the owner of that business, Angie ZXUH.  ZXUH claimed that a survey had shown that 77 percent of her new customers last year said they had chosen her business because of her Statue of Liberty mascot.  She said it was more effective than direct mail or regular advertising.  "It's really quite strange, if you think about it," said a woman who uses all capital letters in her last name.

But the wandering-mascot way of life may be coming to an end, based on the councilmembers' belief that the mascots are a distraction to drivers and caused a nuisance (because the drivers tended to honk at the mascots), as well as allegedly posing a safety risk to the people inside the costumes.  "On a 100-degree day, you have a guy in one of those mattress costumes," said Joseph Napolitano, the city's director of community development.  "I know I wouldn't want to do that."  But Mattress Man (who is actually only 17) said he actually liked the job and didn't think he was in any danger.  "If it gets too warm," he said, "we can just come inside."  Not in McHenry, you can't, mattress boy.

The minutes of the critical meeting of the McHenry City Council show that the Council approved the revised zoning ordinance after a debate that showed a reckless disregard for the mascot livelihoods that were about to be destroyed, or indeed the United States Constitution itself:

Alderman Schaefer noted he had concerns regarding the live moving signs such as student car washes, Liberty tax service, etc. He opined this should be addressed in the "moving sign" definition. Director Napolitano responded these signs would be included in the "moving sign" category. . . .  Alderman Glab inquired if first amendment rights would be violated as a result of adopting the new Sign Code, particularly regarding the moving signs. Attorney McArdle responded this issue would be addressed if it occurs.

McHenry City Council Meeting Minutes, p. 8 (Aug. 7, 2006) (failing even to capitalize "First Amendment").  Only Alderman Murgatroyd voted "nay," and I'm just happy to know that somewhere out there in this vast country of ours there is an Alderman Murgatroyd who gives a damn about free speech, in addition to providing the name "Alderman Murgatroyd" to some aspiring rock band.

Anyway, now that the "issue" has occurred, having been raised by the Chicago Tribune (among others) last week, there is still no indication that the issue will be addressed.  The agenda for Monday's meeting does not mention the issue at all, although there is a note that a "sign variance" has been requested by Don's Burgers and Dogs, out on West Route 120.  That simple notation may presage a titanic battle over the future of a family supported only by a man dressed as a giant hot dog, which will evolve into a national drama that will ultimately play itself out in the United States Supreme Court over our rights as Americans to engage in expressive conduct.  Or it may be something totally unrelated.  Hard to say.

Professor Rodney Blackman, who teaches First Amendment law at DePaul University, was quoted by the Tribune as saying he thought there was a serious First Amendment issue connected with banning the mascots entirely.  While some regulation is appropriate, he said, especially for commercial speech, here a government was arguably imposing a complete ban on expressive conduct.  I would urge you all, if possible, to attend the McHenry City Council meeting (Monday at 7:30 PM) and express your outrage.  Also stop by Don's Burgers and Dogs and find out what the deal is there.

I did take the liberty of exploring the McHenry Municipal Code for about .1 hour and have noted a few other areas that may pose concerns, constitutional or otherwise.  In Section 5-4, I note that the permit fee for carnivals is $100/day but circuses get away for $25.  Why the bias against carnival workers, McHenry?  Maybe I'll show up in town dressed as the Equal Protection Clause.  Section 6 says you can't own a lion, tiger, ape, or monkey (and I don't trust any town without monkeys), and that the animals you can own may not "caterwaul" for more than 15 minutes at a time.  Section 9-1 and 9-3 require "good moral character" as one of the conditions for having a license to operate a jukebox or pinball machine, and Section 10-33 prohibits makes it illegal to discharge a torpedo within city limits without a license.  ("Torpedo" may refer to a kind of explosive used in the railroad business, but let's pretend it doesn't.)  Finally, I refer you to Municipal Code Section 30-1, p. 951, for the very elaborate and specific definition of "buttocks" that you've been searching for all these years.

You know what?  I'm not going to refer you, I'm going to reprint it in full, because what else is this "Internet" thing for, anyway?

Buttocks: The area at the rear of the human body (sometimes referred to as the gluteus maximus) which lies between two imaginary straight lines running parallel to the ground when a Person is standing, the first or top such line being one-half inch below the top of the vertical cleavage of the nates (i.e., the prominence formed by the muscles running from the back of the hip to the back of the leg) and the second or bottom such line being one-half inch above the lowest point of the curvature of the fleshly protuberance (sometimes referred to as the gluteal fold), and between two imaginary straight lines, one on each side of the body (the "outside lines"), which outside lines are perpendicular to the ground and to the horizontal lines described above and which perpendicular outside lines pass through the outermost point(s) at which each nate meets the outer side of each leg. Notwithstanding the above, buttocks shall not include the leg, the hamstring muscle below the gluteal fold, the tensor fasciae latae muscle or any of the above-described portion of the human body that is between either (i) the left outside perpendicular line and the left outside perpendicular line or (ii) the right inside perpendicular line and the right outside perpendicular line. For the purpose of the previous sentence the left inside perpendicular line shall be an imaginary straight line on the left side of the anus (i) that is perpendicular to the ground and to the horizontal lines described above and (ii) that is one third of the distance from the anus to the right outside line.

So that's settled.

Link: Chicago Tribune
Link: The City of McHenry (codes and meeting minutes available here)

$10 Parking Fine Spawns First-Amendment Brawl

What's the memo line on your checks really for?  Robert Militzer put his to good use earlier this month when he wrote a check to pay the Berkley County (Michigan) District Court a $10 parking fine.  Militzer admits that during previous visits to the area he had noticed and obeyed signs prohibiting parking from 2-6 a.m., but claims that the signs weren't there on the day he was ticketed.  But the strength of the "disappearing-sign" defense is not the main issue here -- rather, it is the effect of Militzer's protest, which he expressed by writing "BULLSHIT MONEY GRAB" in the memo line of his check.  Militzer said he knew it wouldn't solve anything, but felt it would "let them know I felt was being unfair."

It did.  It also got him invited to the courthouse for a chat, the one-item agenda for which reads "contempt of court."  Militzer was scheduled to appear today to answer that charge.  He will be accompanied by an ACLU attorney who will argue on his behalf that the remark is protected by the First Amendment.  Thus a snit over a $10 bullshit money grab has been escalated into a federal constitutional issue.

Link: CourtTV.com

The 'Heavy Hitter' Will Sue Nevada Bar For Right to Keep Slogan

The State Bar of Nevada has dared to challenge Glen Lerner, a Vegas lawyer who advertises himself as "The Heavy Hitter" in his television ads.  Apparently, they told him to stop using the phrase, saying it was misleading to consumers because there may be heavier hitters out there.

"The bar told me by calling myself 'The Heavy Hitter' it was false and misleading because it was stating I'm the only heavy hitter," said Lerner.  "It's beyond ridiculous."

"Beyond ridiculous" is an ironic phrase for Lerner to be using, given the nature of his ads.  According to the report, some ads show Lerner "spinning like a human tornado [I prefer "Tasmanian devil"], generating cash for his clients," while others show him cutting checks for his clients as an announcer screams, "Gooooooooaaaaal!"  Yet another shows, for some reason, a giant phone falling on an unsuspecting litigant.  "They said it created anxiety," Lerner said.  "Does the average person really believe a giant phone is going to land on them?"  Probably not.   Although if I hired him I would not only expect, but demand, that he spin like a Tasmanian devil while generating cash for me.

Lerner says he will sue in federal court to protect his First Amendment rights to free speech.  I haven't analyzed this yet, but actually there are a fair number of cases on point and he