Lowering the Bar

Handcuffing Leads to Divorce

Robert Drawbaugh has filed for divorce from his wife, saying that their marriage had "broken down irretrievably."  A warning sign: police had to rescue him in March after she handcuffed them together and started biting him.

Despite the difficult situation, Drawbaugh was able to use his cell phone to call police, which suggests to me that he might have had them on speed-dial.

Police said that Drawbaugh's wife told them she had used the handcuffs "because it was the only way she could have a full conversation with her husband."

Link: AP via SFGate

Firm Offers "60 Minute Divorce," Free Lunch Included

The ABA Journal reports that the Brodsky Law Firm in New York is running ads offering a "60 Minute Divorce" package for $299 (court fees and costs not included).  "Got an hour?  Get a divorce!"

 
For When You Can't Stand Your Partner
For Even Sixty-One More Minutes

The ad does disclose that the offer applies only to uncontested divorces that don't involve children, a division of property, or spousal support provisions, which means they could probably just call this the "We-Got-Drunk-In-Vegas-and-Made-a-Huge-Mistake Divorce".  If your marriage does involve children, or if you have any property or money that your partner is going to want, those issues are much more complicated -- so they will cost you another $99 each.

Also, the "60 Minute" provision applies only to the time you will spend in the lawyer's office.  You will of course have to wait for the court to process everything, which according to the firm's press release will usually take just another few weeks.  But the good news is that in just one hour, you will never ever have to look at your spouse's face again.

So, while you're waiting, why not go have a quick lunch together?  The firm seems to encourage couples to do this by providing, as part of the divorce package, a $10 gift card (just one) to a nearby McDonald's or Starbucks.  What better way to celebrate the sad ending of a fruitless marriage than by sharing a Happy Meal?

Link: ABA Journal

Restraining Order Entered After Christmas Wii Assault

A New Hampshire judge refused Monday to lift an order that requires Randi Young, 24, and Heath Blom, 26, to stay away from each other.  Both were arrested on Christmas Day after a Nintendo-Wii-related incident that allegedly turned violent.

According to police, Young and Blom began arguing after Blom opened his Christmas gift to find a Nintendo Wii game system instead of the remote-control airplane he had apparently asked for.  Rather than thanking Jesus for setting him up with a girlfriend who is willing to buy him gaming systems rather than something stupid like a sweater or shoes or a remote-control airplane, Blom began to complain.  Not surprisingly, an argument ensued.  When Young tried to leave, Blom allegedly grabbed her hair and she allegedly swung around and hit him.  A touching Christmas story -- it's "Gift of the Magi" meets "Raging Bull."

If only Mr. Ungrateful had opened that Wii to begin with, they could have worked out all these issues by just playing The Sims (or maybe a boxing game) rather than getting into it in real life.  A punch from a simulated girlfriend wouldn't hurt as much -- but then she probably would have gotten you what you wanted in the first place.

The court later entered a restraining order that required the two to stay away from each other.  They were back in court Monday to ask that the order be lifted, saying they had just had a "bad Christmas," but the court refused.

Link: MSNBC.com.

Bear Forced to Wear Wire in Custody Battle

It's bad enough that our government is now routinely spying on us.  Now you can't even trust stuffed animals.

Last week, a Nebraska man sued his ex-wife, her father, and the woman's former law firm for allegedly hiding a recording device inside his four-year-old daughter's teddy bear in order to gather evidence to use in a custody battle.  William Lewton, his daughter, "and five other plaintiffs who were recorded by the bear" are seeking damages for invasion of privacy and wiretapping.

According to the lawsuit, Dianna Divingnzzo had been awarded sole custody of the girl after the couple divorced, although it looks to me like Lewton got to keep about half of the vowels in her last name.  Not content with that, Lewton was apparently seeking custody rights, and so I gather the bear was recruited to gather evidence during his visitations.  Lewton's attorney said this week that it's believed the bear recorded "several hundred hours" of conversations between Christmas 2007 and May 2008.

The recordings were discovered in June when Lewton's attorney was given copies of them by Divingnzzo's attorneys.  The latter contend, however, that they knew nothing about the bear being wired until their client presented them with the recordings.  "We had nothing to do with [the ursine subterfuge]," said one of the attorneys representing the woman.  "We did not advise her to do so."

The lawsuit follows a state court's ruling last summer in the custody case that the recording was a violation of Nebraska's wiretapping law, so the bear's intelligence was not admissible.

Link: AP via Findlaw.com

It's Officially an "Ugly Divorce" If Somebody Wants a Kidney Back

The breakup of any long-term relationship always involves some awkward moments where you have to split up the possessions you shared and decide who really owns what.  It's awkward enough when you're talking about CDs.  Much worse when somebody wants an organ back. 

Dr. Richard Batista said Wednesday that he wants his estranged wife, Dawnell, to either give him back the kidney she took from him (see diagram, left) or to hand over the $1.5 million he claims the kidney is worth.  Batista said that his wife desperately needed a kidney in June 2001 after her own stopped working, and two other transplants failed.  "My first priority was to save her life," Batista said at a news conference.  "The second bonus was to turn the marriage around."  Which is significantly easier to do with a living wife, in most cases.  "I was walking on a cloud," Batista said, after he gave his organ to his wife.  "I did the right thing for her and to this day I would do it again."  Of course, he said that last part just after saying he wanted to undo it.  Maybe he is planning to then give it to her again, but in that case I would recommend trying jewelry or flowers first.

Batista alleges that his wife then got all their organs involved with someone else less than two years later, leading ultimately to the divorce.

Could he conceivably get the kidney back?  An expert at the University of Pennsylvania's Center for Bioethics would not entirely rule it out.  According to medical ethicist Arthur Caplan, his chances were "somewhere between impossible and completely impossible."  Assuming he's right that there is a range of impossible outcomes, then things are looking up for Batista.

Another expert, though, said forget it.

"[I]t's illegal [in this country, anyway] for an organ to be exchanged for anything of value," said Robert Veatch at Georgetown University.  Besides, Batista donated the organ, and as a legal matter, "when you give something, you can't get it back," Veatch said.  "It's her kidney now."

Batista's attorney took a firm stance when asked if his client really wanted the kidney itself back.  "Of course not," said Dominic Barbara.  Surprisingly, it turns out Batista wants the cash, which is, among other things, a lot easier to transplant, and also is accepted by significantly more merchants.  Barbara said that the $1.5 million was a reasonable estimate of kidney-related damages, including the money that Ms. Batista was able to go on making as a result of not being dead.  "A price can't be placed on a human organ," Barbara agreed, "but it does have value."

No it doesn't, said Arthur Caplan, the spoilsport from paragraph four.  "There's nothing later you can get in terms of compensation if you regret your gift," he said.  There is, however, a great deal you can get in terms of publicity.

Link: MSNBC.com
Link: Boston Herald
Link: Newsday

Bears Linebacker Accused of Painting Son's Toenails Blue

Brian Urlacher of the Chicago Bears continues to not get along with his ex-wife and/or baby mama, Tyna Robertson.  In court this week after the parties filed cross-motions on custody issues, Robertson said that she has not been allowing Urlacher to exercise his visitation rights because it has allegedly been making the couple's son confused about gender identity.  According to Robertson, her son has returned from visits with Urlacher with his toenails painted blue and wearing pink Cinderella diapers.

Navy blue is among the Bears' uniform colors.  Pink isn't.

The boy "pulls down his pants and says, 'Mommy, look how pretty [my pink Cinderella diapers] are,'" Robertson told the Chicago Herald.  She also claimed that he now says that "Big boys paint their nails," and refuses to bathe for fear of ruining his nail polish.  "It took two hours to get him in the bath," Robertson claimed.  She said Urlacher was unresponsive when she told him of her concerns.  "[Brian] says he can do whatever he wants.  He said, 'It doesn't make him feminine.  It doesn't make him gay.'"  Urlacher, a linebacker for the Bears for many years, did not attend the hearing.  Asked to comment, his attorney said that spreading these allegations in the press was "typical Tyna," but did not actually deny them.

Robertson said she would allow the visitation to resume (in the words of the report) "so long as Urlacher put away the Bears-blue nail polish and diapered their son in gender-appropriate pull-ups."

Link: Chicago Sun-Times

Father Has Son Prosecuted for Laziness

The Nigerian state news agency reported on October 17 that a frustrated father had hauled his 20-year-old son into court and asked that the boy be prosecuted for idleness.

The person who sent me this item said he has printed the story out for the benefit of his young children and posted it on their doors, but he is too kind for that.  I think.

Sama'ila Tahir was quoted as telling the court that he was at the end of his rope and that only a jail term might straighten the boy out at this point.  "He is not listening to words and he is bringing shame to my family," Tahir said.  "I am tired of his nefarious deeds.  Please put this boy in prison so that I can be free."  In my family, we got away with a lot, but whenever Dad said, "I am tired of your nefarious deeds," we knew he was serious.

The court was located in the town of Bauchi, in the northern and predominantly Muslim part of the country, and that might account for the relatively swift and severe justice that was meted out to the young man.  The court sentenced him to six months in prison and 30 strokes of the cane to be administered immediately.  That might cure him, but then again my sense is that somebody who does jail time does not necessarily leap forth at the end of his sentence ready to become a hardworking and law-abiding member of society.  I suppose if you add a good caning to the mix, it might be different.

Link: Reuters via Yahoo! News

Man With 86 Wives Will Have 86 Lawyers

Human-rights groups in Nigeria say they have "mobilized" dozens of lawyers to help defend a man who has been threatened with death for having too many wives.  Bello Masaba, a preacher from the town of Bidda, in a Muslim majority state, has 86 of them.

Authorities say that is 82 more than Islam allows, but Masaba challenges that interpretation, claiming that the Koran does not set forth any punishment for having more than four wives.  He believes that, so long as a man can care for all of his wives, he can have as many as he wants.  He does not recommend that other men follow his example, however, because he concedes that -- especially at the age of 84 -- only supernatural help enables him to deal with all 86 wives (and "at least" 170 children).

"A man with [only] 10 wives would [normally] collapse and die," he told the BBC, "but my own power is given by Allah. That is why I have been able to control 86 of them."

But after six weeks of criticism, at least one fatwa, and an ultimatum from the village chief, Masaba finally agreed to divorce 82 of the wives and try to make do with four.  He doesn't seem to have followed through, however, and eventually he was arrested and charged with "incendiary contempt of religious laws and contracting unlawful marriage to 86 wives."

Saying Masaba's rights had been violated, a coalition of human-rights groups assembled to defend him,  describing Masaba as "a political prisoner and prisoner of conscience."  And what will probably be a fairly chaotic courtroom scene will be enlivened by a very large defense legal team.  "The choice of 86 lawyers is deliberate," said a spokesperson.  "For each wife, Masaba will have a lawyer."

Hopefully, the Koran doesn't say anything about how many lawyers a man can have.  I would argue that as long as a man can care for all of his lawyers, he should be able to have as many as he wants.

Link: BBC News (Aug. 2008)
Link: Yahoo! News (Sept. 2008)

Batman Ties Up Traffic In Fathers' Rights Protest

Speaking of bats (like I was Thursday), another one showed up today, this one on a highway sign over the M25 motorway in England, near Heathrow.  Dressed as Batman, 48-year-old Geoffrey Hibbert said he was roosting on the sign as part of a protest seeking more rights for fathers in family-law cases.  "I'm doing this for my daughter," Hibbert told the BBC on his Batphone.  "I'll do my protest all day."  Though he was not actually blocking the roadway, traffic was reportedly backed up for miles as drivers gawked at a rare appearance of the Dark Knight in broad daylight.

Hibbert is part of the group "Fathers 4 Justice," which since 2002 has been protesting what its members see as unfair treatment of fathers in family-law courts.  It's debatable, I suppose, whether or not the group's publicity-seeking stunts, which generally involve someone in costume climbing something, are the best way to gain public support for the cause, but they are attention-getters, and comical ones.

Batman has appeared before in support of the group, such as when he perched on a ledge at Buckingham Palace, asking to see the Queen.  He also once spent three days on the roof of the Royal Courts of Justice (Robin was with him that time).  "Spiderman scales a crane at Tower Bridge . . . . Activist monks climb the roof of St. Paul's . . . . 200 Father Christmases storm the lobby of the Lord Chancellor's department.  The list of extraordinary protests is endless," notes the Fathers 4 Justice website.  They do conduct more ordinary protests on occasion.

At last report, the Batman on the M25 had either quietly vanished into the night, or been arrested by police (probably the latter), after tying up traffic for about seven hours.

A correction to yesterday's Bat-post: a source who has been involved in bat-related-premises-liability litigation (a different case) has told me that it is at least possible to get rabies just from handling a bat, since the disease can be transmitted through saliva, and bats apparently clean themselves like cats do.  He said that expert bat-eradicators he contacted described this as "sticky bat" syndrome (although I was unable to confirm that as an official term).  Obviously that adds to the strength of the Utah plaintiff's case.  In any event, please be aware that bat-handling should be avoided if at all possible, unless (or maybe especially) if the bat involved is somebody's dad in a costume.

Link: BBC News

Teen Threatened With Haircut Stabs Father With Miniature Sword

I think that is a slight improvement over the original headline, but not by much.

According to reports, a 15-year-old Florida boy stabbed his father in the hand with a "miniature sword" because the man repeatedly threatened to give his son a haircut.  The first and most important question that raises, of course, is what the hell is a "miniature sword"?  Is that anything like a "knife"?  Few details were available about this, although one report said the weapon was approximately ten inches long, which would make it a very miniature sword but a really big knife.

"I gave him more than one warning to stay away," said the boy, who really did not want a haircut.  Police said that his father had suffered a defensive wound to his left hand that would require surgery.  Before you judge the young man, though, consider that he may have fired a warning shot -- police said that the teenager "first threw a bag of seashells at his father before stabbing him."

Okay, now judge him.

Link: Miami Herald
Link: News-Journal Online