Lowering the Bar

Firearms Instructor Teaches Students to Unload Guns Used for Firearms Instruction

Accounts differed of the incident on May 3 in which Dave Hansen, police chief of Riverdale, Utah, managed to shoot himself while teaching a gun-safety class. Two of Hansen's students, Bart Ulm and Lewis Walker, claimed they had been concerned at the time that Chief Hansen was being careless, partly because they say they noticed there was live ammo in the gun Hansen was using for demonstration purposes.

"I was very leery," said Ulm, "because there's no need to have live ammo in a gun in the class. But I figured he's the chief, so he must know what he's doing."  And he did, if what he was doing was trying to shoot himself in the ankle.  The pistol went off while Hansen was preparing to disassemble it.

"I'm hit!" Hansen cried, and fell over.  The students, according to the AP report, then began to shout "Officer down!" as they had presumably seen on TV.  Eventually someone thought to call 911, which is less dramatic but more helpful.  Hansen was treated and released two days later.

Another officer told the local newspaper that an internal investigation into the matter was proceeding.  He disputed the accounts given by Ulm and Walker, who he described as "disgruntled."  It was not clear how their disgruntlement would explain the bullet in Hansen's ankle, however.

This is not as good as the last gun-safety-instructor-shoots-self-in-foot story I came across, because that shooter started off by bragging about his professionalism, the incident was videotaped, and he later sued his employer (the DEA) for allegedly leaking the video to the Internet.  But you can't ask for facts like that every time.

Link: AP via SF Gate.com

Bear in Prison

Despite that title, this is not the bear from "Bear Convicted," a March item that had to do with a bear prosecuted in Macedonia for stealing from a beekeeper.  That bear is still at large, as you would know if you had been paying attention to my bear stories.  This bear is not at large, although that seems to be by choice, because according to prison officials it is living in the middle of the Louisiana State Penitentiary.

I had a vision of a bear sitting there in the middle of the prison yard, maybe having a smoke, but it turns out that the LSP, better known as Angola, is actually about the size of Manhattan.  While it is a maximum-security facility, that applies only to some of the living quarters and not the entire area, which sadly prevents me from asking how a bear broke into a maximum-security prison in the first place.  Most of Angola is run as a farm, but that about 3,500 acres of it is "mostly untouched piney woods" in which, presumably, bears can live.  This bear was seen last week by an inmate presumably going about his farm chores, and experts have said that it is probably a 450-pound female black bear.

Prison executives said they believe there may be as many as eight to 10 bears in the prison, and the warden said that he is just fine with the big one that was recently spotted.  "I love that bear being right where it is," said Warden Burl Cain, proud owner of a name perfectly suited for being the warden of a prison in Louisiana.  "I tell you what, none of our inmates are going to try to get out after dark and wander around when they might run into a big old bear.  It's like having another guard at no cost to the taxpayer."

Only if the inmates don't find out that black bears mostly eat berries, said Maria Davidson, manager of the state wildlife department's Large Carnivore Program.  Vegetable matter makes up as much as 90 percent of a black bear's diet, she said, and the other 10 percent is mostly bugs and inmates.  Okay, she didn't mention inmates, and in fact completely undermined the warden by saying that, to her knowledge, there had never been a predatory attack by a black bear in Louisiana even on pets or livestock.  "As for a bear coming out and rushing an inmate," she said, "I don't see that happening."

So that's disappointing, but on the bright side, there are also alligators, rattlesnakes and "vicious wild pigs" on the prison grounds.  "And there have been sightings of panthers," said another prison official, sounding hopeful.

Link: AP via NOLA.com
Link: Plan Your Next Family Vacation at the Louisiana State Penitentiary

Man Faces Five Years for Hedgehog Assault

In the second animal-assault story from New Zealand in two weeks, police in the North Island town of Whakatane said that William Singalargh, 27, had been arrested for assaulting a boy with a hedgehog.

Many details about the assault remain unclear, including the reason for the altercation, why a hedgehog was used, and whether the hedgehog was alive when thrown or was killed at some point thereafter.  The BBC quoted Senior Sgt. Bruce Jenkins as saying that the hedgehog, propelled by Singalargh, had struck the 15-year-old target in the leg, "causing a large, red welt and several puncture marks."  Jenkins said that the man was arrested for "assault with a weapon, namely the hedgehog."

Singalargh will appear in court on April 17, and faces as much as five years in prison for the assault and/or hedgehog murder.

I could not find any other reported incidents of attacks involving hedgehogs, let alone a brutal man-on-hedgehog-on-boy assault like this one.  For the most part, hedgehogs appear to be gentle creatures, although the International Hedgehog Association's "best-in-show" standards note that "[t]emperament of hedgehogs is extremely important [and that] in order to be shown, a hedgehog must be tame and easy to handle with quills laying flat," suggesting that there have been some unfortunate incidents in the past.  (In other news, there is an "International Hedgehog Association.")  The "Temperament" category in fact is 33 of the 100 possible show points, as follows:

• Unrolled:     11 points
• Quills Flat:  11 points
• Personality: 11 points

("Biters" lose 22 points automatically.)  Also, under "Body Shape," the standards note that "obese hedgehogs will be faulted," although I would argue that while obese hedgehogs may be less than perfect, at least they would be harder to throw.

Link: BBC News
Link: International Hedgehog Association

Man Jailed for Curiosity About Groin-Kicking

Last week, 28-year-old Jarrett Loft, of Guelph, Ontario, Canada, was sentenced to sixty days in jail simply for asking seven different women to kick him in the groin.

Isn't that pretty far down the list of things that need to be criminalized?

A court heard evidence that, on seven different occasions last year, Loft approached women in city parks and asked them to kick him in the aforementioned groin.  According to the report, and somewhat surprisingly, only one took him up on it:

One of the women, afraid of what the man might do if she refused, kicked him repeatedly.  Loft, an Oshawa native who moved to Guelph several years ago, thanked her and left on his bike.

He did what now?  Repeated kicks to the groin, and he just tips his hat and says "Thank you, madam, and good day"?  Seems like there are a few facts missing from that story.

There were some missing from the sentencing report given to the trial judge, too.  For example, the article described him as "frustrated" that the report "offered so little insight" into Loft's motivation for doing this.  (Loft's answer: "curiosity.")

It is not at all clear to me what law was broken here.  The women described the conduct as "disturbing," which it certainly is, and said it left them reluctant to use public parks.  But does that explain the charge on which Loft was sentenced -- one count of "mischief to property"?  There was mischief done to somebody's property, that's for sure.  I'm just not sure whose.

After Loft's 60 days is up, he will then have two years of probation, during which he will not be allowed to use parks or the Internet.  Hopefully, his curiosity about this matter is now satisfied.

Link: GuelphMercury.com

Australian Sentenced for False Claim of Wombat Rape

Arthur Cradock of Motueka, New Zealand, was sentenced last week to 75 hours of community service for making a false police report, after he admitted he had not actually been raped by a wombat as he had claimed.  Cradock called police on February 11 to report the assault, but called back later to say he did not need help after all.

"Apart from speaking Australian now, I'm pretty all right, you know," he said in the second call.

Despite this disclaimer, Cradock was still charged for the false report, which in New Zealand appears to be technically termed "using a phone for a fictitious purpose."

Wombats are not fictional, of course, although so far as I can tell there is no recorded incident of one raping a human.  Wikipedia refers to them as "crepuscular," which I thought at first might be related but which turns out to mean "mainly active during twilight."  The plot thickened, though, under the heading "Wombats and Humans."  The article noted that wombats are "sexually mature at 18 months of age," that their "lack of fear means that they may display acts of aggression," and that their "sheer weight makes a charging wombat capable of knocking an average-sized man over."  The article also linked to a description of a wombat attack on a young boy in 2001.

So, while wombats have assaulted humans, and apparently prefer young boys and average-sized men, Cradock's story is at least unlikely given that the marsupials are not native to New Zealand.  Also undermining his claim is the statement by Sergeant Chris Stringer, who told the court that alcohol "played a large role in Cradock's life."

Link: FOXNews.com

FBI Said Ready to Take Decisive Action to Protect Federal Officials From Noogies

On March 21, the Boston Globe reported that, after a year-long investigation by the Justice Department, the FBI has concluded that three FBI agents should be terminated for a noogie one of them delivered to a federal prosecutor in 2006.

In other news, the government evidently has people to spare from the search from Osama bin Laden, and/or those wanting to smuggle him nuclear material, in order to help defend our nation's noggins.

According to the Globe, the incident took place in the federal courthouse in Boston.  As a meeting between the agents and a federal prosecutor was concluding, one of the agents "came up behind her, wrapped his arm around her neck and gave her a Three-Stooges-style noogie," as it was described by the Globe's anonymous sources.  (The device-assisted noogie depicted here is no longer used, except at Guantanamo.)  Charges apparently followed.

It will come as no surprise that the noogie-deployer was male (FBI profilers say 97% are), but it is unclear whether the fact that the prosecutor was female explains the result.  The DOJ was investigating whether the incident was "foolish horseplay, bullying, or harassment," but the only conclusion reported was that the offender "acted inappropriately when he put his hands on the prosecutor."  (Why that conclusion took a year to reach is not entirely clear.)  Probably more important is the fact that the agents do not seem to have been truthful about what happened, which would mean that, as is so often the case, the noogie cover-up has turned out to be worse than the noogie itself.

There does seem to be something deeper going on here, but no one is talking about it directly.  At the  time, the noogie-giver was (believe it or not) the head of the Boston office's Organized Crime Strike Force.  Based on what I learned from "The Departed" - which I have seen twice - there has been some trouble with police corruption in Boston.  The Globe, digging a little deeper, recalled that the OCSF prosecuted gangster "Whitey" Bulger, whose former FBI "handler" is already in prison for conspiring with Bulger.  That whole business seems to have left deep divisions between the FBI and DOJ, which may or may not have affected the interpretation of the 2006 noogie incident.

Like bin Laden, Bulger's current whereabouts are unknown.  But the year-long investigation of the people they could find will reportedly result in termination.  As of March 20, the FBI said no one had been fired, but would not discuss the matter any further.  The agents would have 60 days to appeal.

Link: Boston Globe

Escaped Prisoner Mocks Police, Insists They Recapture Him

A 31-year-old Estonian thief who escaped from a Finnish prison on February 29 was "recaptured" a week later, but only after going to some trouble to arrange it.  It's not entirely clear whether Martin Vaiksaar had decided he wanted to go back to jail, or was just disgusted with the state of law enforcement in his native country, to which he had fled.

Vaiksaar's escape was somewhat embarrassing to the Finns, since he broke out of a brand-new prison by tying bedsheets together, somehow scaling three successive 23-foot walls, and then walking twelve miles to a ferry terminal where he bought a ticket back to Estonia.  (Reportedly, the prison's staff did not notice he was missing for a full day.)  Then the Estonian authorities took over not catching him.  Vaiksaar spent a week at his girlfriend's house before being recaptured, and even then it was only because he basically insisted that the police do their job.

On March 6, Estonian police said that they had apprehended Vaiksaar through "specific police work."   (They would not be more specific.)  But then a TV station aired previously taped footage that told the real story.

Recorded while Vaiksaar was still a fugitive, the footage showed Vaiksaar meeting with the TV crew at a restaurant, and wondering aloud why nobody had looked for him at his girlfriend's house.  "If you look where prisoners go when they escape, most of them go home," he pointed out.  Eventually, Vaiksaar asked the crew to drive him to a police station so he could tell them he "had found a lost wallet."  He walked in and later walked right back out again, still unarrested.  "I even told them my name," he told the crew, "but they showed no interest in me."  Apparently disappointed by this, Vaiksaar was finally arrested later that day after he began stopping people on the street and complaining that nobody was interested in arresting him even though he was the area's "most-wanted" fugitive.

Those planning to become fugitives take note: Scandinavia seems to be the place for it.  Based on this story, prison is largely optional there.

Link: AFP via Yahoo! News

Another Reason Not to Streak in Minnesota

From the police blotter in Silver Lake, Wisconsin, yesterday:

On 3-13-08 at approx. 1620 hrs., [Deputy] Zarletti was parked by the Silver Lake DNR boat launch when he was alerted by a citizen that a male was running across the frozen lake in the nude. Dep. Zarletti located the subject and identified him as John F. Greely (18) a local resident. Greely was wearing nothing but socks, and he was sober. He reported that he streaked on a 30 dollar bet. Dep. Zarletti issued him a county ordinance citation ($753.00 bond) for lewd and lascivious behavior.

It's unknown whether he recovered on his bet.

It is not yet spring in Wisconsin, as you could probably infer from the fact that lakes are still frozen firmly enough for a naked guy to run across one.  The temperature yesterday in Silver Lake at 1620 hours was about 42 degrees.  With the wind running at about 12 mph, and Naked Guy running at an estimated 8 mph (might be too high for someone running on ice wearing socks), the wind chill would have been about 30 degrees, although I could find no wind-chill charts that factored in the effect of being naked on a frozen lake.

My point is, I don't know what was going on there, but at something under 30 degrees I seriously doubt it was anything "lewd or lascivious."

Link: Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel Online

How Client-9 Was Caught

NPR had an interesting segment this morning (March 12) as to how Client-9, formerly known as Eliot Spitzer, was found out.  As you might expect, our old friend the USA Patriot Act had a part to play, helping fulfill its mission of keeping America safe from the emperors' clubs that threaten our way of life.  But there is more to that story.

You probably know that cash transactions of more than $10,000 have to be reported, but if, like me, you thought your many cash transactions totaling $9,999 were off the radar, think again.  NPR interviewed bank officials who said that bank software scrutinizes every transaction -- that's every transaction, whether you're withdrawing money you're going to use to rent "Kristen" or buying a croissant with your debit card -- and flags any transaction that is part of a pattern that the software deems "suspicious."  Client-9's frequent cash transfers -- each less than $10,000 but possibly adding up to as much as $80,000 -- were flagged by this software and this triggered a money-laundering investigation.  As it turned out, something probably needed to be laundered, but it wasn't money.

As NPR reports, part of this system was put in place by the USA Patriot Act.  Number of terrorists caught plotting (to date): [classified].  Number of governors caught cheating (to date): one.  Further proof that the USA Patriot Act is [classified].

But the irony lies in the source of another part of that same tracking system, which, it turns out, was put in place as a result of investigations into corporate financial practices by a certain zealous former New York attorney general.  Who is also, as of this morning, a former New York governor.  The Law of Unintended Consequences strikes again.

Andy Borowitz foreshadowed today's announcement with his post yesterday about Spitzer's tearful resignation from the Emperor's Club.

Link: NPR.org (audio)
Link: Get Yourself a Client-9 T-Shirt

Car's Owner Receives Multiple Parking Tickets For Car That Had Been Stolen

San Francisco is a notoriously difficult place to park, not so much because of the hills but because of the relatively small size of the city and its downtown.  Adding to the fun is the zeal of its parking control officers.

This one may not be their fault, but it's somebody's fault.

Last September, Michelle Vuckovich's car was stolen from her home in South San Francisco.  She called police and someone was there to take her report within 30 minutes.  As you might expect, California has a system for listing stolen cars statewide, and Vuckovich's car was listed there right away.

Then she started to get parking tickets.

As SF Chronicle columnists Philip Matier and Andrew Ross reported in December, Vuckovich got a parking citation in the mail a few weeks later.  She noticed that her car had been ticketed just a few hours after it was stolen, so it was possible that the car had not been listed yet.  But then she got another ticket the next day, by which time the theft list had been updated.

Then she got another one.  Then six more.

Vuckovich got a total of 29 parking tickets from the San Francisco Department of Parking and Traffic after she had reported her car stolen.  Police were unsure why the parking officers had never run the plate to see whether the car was stolen, especially since at least seven of the tickets were issued in less than a week while the car was parked on the same block of Grant Avenue in the North Beach neighborhood.  (It was near Grant and Filbert, if you live in SF and want to know where at least one car thief lives and/or works.)

DPT officials said that the officers involved should not necessarily be blamed because their hand-held devices store theft information only from the San Francisco database.  (Vuckovich lived in South San Francisco, which is actually a different city and county.)   But they also did not have a good explanation for why no one ever ran the plate in the course of writing any of the 29 tickets Vuckovich got.  Nor do they seem to have investigated any of the locations where the car was parked (sometimes repeatedly), although it would be hard to link a parking spot to any particular address.

Still, Vuckovich thought she would give that a try.  She and a friend drove around the city scouting out the locations that appeared on the tickets.  It took them about three hours to find the car.  It was parked near Folsom and Sixth Streets, two blocks from a police station.  When police arrived (an hour later), they got the car unlocked and turned it back over to Vuckovich.

They lost her driver's license in the course of doing the paperwork, but at least she has her car back.

Link: SF Chronicle

Police Battering Ram Brings Pizza Thief to Justice

Police in Eastpoint, Michigan, arrested 19-year-old Jessica Gray on Wednesday after an incident in which she allegedly grabbed an order of food from the delivery man and then slammed the door and refused to pay him.  Gray and her four female friends (ages 14 to 21) also refused to open the door for the police, who eventually broke it down with a battering ram.

The delivery man told police that he had shown up with an order of pizza, ribs, chicken, shrimp, and one soda, at 7 p.m. Wednesday night.  He said Gray answered the door, took the meal, then slammed the door.  All five women then allegedly joined in yelling insults at the delivery man from inside the apartment, as well as threatening him when he refused to leave.  The man decided to call police rather than try to deal with the situation himself.  "[Gray] was rough when she took it from him," said a police detective on the case, "and she was large enough where he didn't want to fight her."

According to the police report, the women also refused to open the door for the responding officers, who could hear them "laughing and whispering inside."  The laughing and whispering likely ended when police broke the door down with a battering ram.  Once inside, the delivery man identified Gray as the thief.  The choice to go beyond pizza when ordering then proved fateful, since police were able to seize as evidence a number of rib bones, chicken bones, and shrimp tails.

Gray was arrested and charged with felony larceny, posting a $5,000 bond, as a result of grabbing $17.18 worth of food.

Link: CBS News

Burglars Become Part of Police Training Session

The submitter of this item suggests that a new category ("D'oh!") be created for it (and others like it), and I'm seriously considering that.

In September, two men broke into a vacant building in Antioch, California, planning to steal copper wiring that they believed might still be inside.  This is not as unusual as it might sound -- copper thefts are up nationwide because the value of copper has quintupled since 1999.  For example, this article discusses a recent incident at a sandwich shop in Abilene, Texas, where thieves pulled the coils out of the air conditioning units, getting away with roughly $40 in copper.  (The air conditioning units themselves were worth $3,000 each.)

So, in went our heroes, seeking the precious metal.  This happened late on a Tuesday afternoon, which as it happens is right about the time that the Antioch Police Department's K-9 Unit runs training sessions at the same building.  D'oh!  Somebody didn't do his pre-theft research.

One of the men surrendered almost immediately, upon hearing an officer call out that a dog was about to be released into the building and that anyone inside should surrender or risk being attacked.  It turned out this was part of the training.  Another officer had hidden somewhere else in the 40,000-square-foot building and the dog was supposed to find him -- the officer outside was just following standard operating procedure.  The men might not have been arrested at all had one of them not surrendered to a police officer who had no idea he was there.

Link: San Francisco Chronicle

McDonald's Employee Charged With Oversalting Officer's Burger

Kendra Bull, a 20-year-old employee of a McDonald's in Union City, Georgia, was arrested Friday and now faces criminal charges for allegedly putting too much salt on a police officer's hamburger.

After using the drive-through, Officer Wendell Adams returned to the restaurant and told the manager that the burger had made him sick.  Bull admitted that she had accidentally spilled salt on some hamburger meat earlier, and said she told a supervisor and a co-worker, who "tried to thump the salt off" so the meat wouldn't be wasted.  But Officer Adams had heard enough.  He arrested Bull, who was charged with premeditated overseasoning -- okay, misdemeanor reckless conduct -- and spent the night in jail.

Bull said that she did not intentionally serve the salty burger to a police officer (good thing, since that probably violates the PATRIOT Act), and can't even see the drive-through window from her work area.  But according to a city spokesman, Bull was charged with a crime because she served the hamburger "without regards to the well-being of anyone who might consume it."  Bull told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution that she didn't think the meat could have been salty enough to make anyone sick, partly because on her break she had eaten a burger made with it herself before Officer Adams showed up.  She also wondered why he had eaten the burger if it was really that salty.

She makes a very good point here.  For this to be a criminal act, presumably there had to be some realistic chance of harm to someone's "well-being."  And unless Officer Adams is worried about developing hypertension later in life, the harm would have to be salt poisoning.  Though there are many cases of this involving young children or nursing-home patients (who can become dehydrated), it turns out to be extremely rare otherwise, precisely because it is so difficult to consume enough salt to seriously hurt you without your body rejecting it (a process that experts call "barfing").  That is true even though your sodium levels can go up dangerously from as little as a tablespoon or two of salt.

In fact, a 2004 study published in the Journal of Internal Medicine (my research staff thinks it's being paid overtime, apparently) found so few cases of hypernatremia (and also paid by word length) in normal, healthy adults, the study actually concluded that "mental or emotional disorders are crucial for voluntary ingestion of toxic amounts of salt."  The authors located 17 reported cases of "severe hypernatremia secondary to oral administration of sodium."  These included:

• A mentally-disabled woman who ate "four cups of jam supplemented with three to four heaping tablespoons of salt,"
• Three cases in which a woman was convinced or forced to drink extremely salty water as part of an exorcism,
• A fisherman who swallowed a "considerable amount" of seawater after his boat was sunk by a hurricane, and
• Four suicides, including one in which a Japanese woman drank an entire one-liter bottle of soy sauce.

None of the reported cases involved policemen.

Since almost all such poisonings resulted from unique circumstances generally involving a mental or emotional disorder (or an exorcism), the study concluded that "oral administration of sodium is an extremely uncommon cause of [salt poisoning], as healthy adults resist the taste of excess amounts of salt and do not ingest more than small quantities of salty substances."  So, had there been enough salt on this burger to suggest it was an intentional act or one reckless enough to put someone's well-being at risk, Officer Adams would likely not have eaten it.

Now that science has exonerated Kendra Bull, I hope the charges will be dropped.

Link: Yahoo! News
Link: Y. Ofran, et al.,  Fatal Voluntary Salt Intake Resulting in the Highest Ever Documented Sodium Plasma Level in Adults, 256 J. Int. Med. 525-28 (Dec. 2004).
Link: Yamazaki, et al., A Case of Salt Poisoning from Drinking a Large Quantity of Soy Sauce, 2 Legal Med. 84-87 (2000).

Jury Finds Officer Was Still "On Duty" During Sex

On August 15, a jury acquitted a British police officer of dereliction of duty (I think) after he convinced them he had in fact been "on duty" while he was having sex in a room at the police station at Gatwick Airport.

The officer faced criminal charges when the incident was discovered, although the report did not say precisely what he was charged with.  (His partner does not seem to have been charged with anything, and it is not clear whether (s)he was also a police officer, although the two apparently met via "uniformdating.com.")  At his trial, he argued to the jury that he had not been ignoring his duty since he was equipped at all relevant times with an earpiece tuned to the police radio frequency.

"If there [had been] a call for me," he testified, "I would have answered it and I would have dealt with it."

That seems awfully unlikely, but according to the report "the jury quickly came to a unanimous verdict" of acquittal.  Of course that was almost certainly because the jurors thought this was a victimless crime (if it was a crime at all), not because they believed that goofy story.  The officer's lawyer conceded that his client had "misbehaved," but said "[t]his is a criminal court, not a moral court.  It's doubtful this case would have been brought if he had taken an extended lunch break or gone for a game of golf."  Hey, as long as you've got your earpiece in, no problem.

Link: Yahoo! News

Federal Agent Overcomes "Irrational Fear" of Testifying in Court

In a personal triumph over what her lawyer described as a phobia that makes it difficult for her to testify in court, Special Agent Stephanie Fierro was able to take the stand on Monday and testify for a full 20 minutes about a warrantless search she participated in as part of a child-pornography investigation.  The hearing in the government's case against Christopher Buessem was originally scheduled for July, but the judge postponed it to give Fierro some time to get over her fear of testifying.

A grand jury has indicted Buessem based on images recovered in a search of his home and computer.  No warrant had been issued for the search, but agents say that the defendant consented.  Defense attorneys argue that Buessem could not have consented because he was "in an alcohol-induced blackout" at the time.  (I have a special search set up to alert me to any use of such a defense because it is potentially useful in so many situations.)

Agent Fierro was set to testify on the issue of consent long ago, but has allegedly been unable to take the stand for months because of her condition.  Her lawyer, Mark Conrad, said that his client had been suffering from depression, memory problems and "anxiety over not being able to give accurate testimony."  He said she was "tormented about [possibly] making a mistake" and had an "irrational fear" of testifying.  Surprisingly, the federal public defender seems to have been skeptical of this, but he was not allowed to question Fierro about her condition.  A representative of Fierro's agency, the Bureau of Immigration and Customs Enforcement (which it appears now also has jurisdiction over child porn), declined to comment on whether Fierro has ever experienced problems testifying before.

There is growing concern that Fierro's condition may in fact be caused by some sort of a virus, given the dramatic increase in cases of oathophobia over the past couple of years and especially its occurrence in "clusters" in certain federal agencies and parts of the Executive Branch.  If left untreated, oathophobia can develop into EPD (Evasive Personality Disorder), or, in extreme cases, perjuritis.

Source (no link yet): Robert Iafolla, "U.S. Agent Overcomes Her Fear of Testifying," San Francisco Daily Journal (Aug. 21, 2007) at p. 2.

The Confession Machine (video)

Will Farrell's baby savagely coerces a confession out of a multiple murderer (played by Will Farrell).

Not for the squeamish.

Link:  Funny or Die

UPDATE: Rooster Killer Gets Probation

As I reported last year, Humberto Rodriguez was arrested in Manhattan and charged with animal cruelty for biting the head off his pet rooster, even though Rodriguez explained that he was only retaliating for the rooster's unprovoked attack on his pet pigeon.  A neighbor spotted the victim's headless torso on the fire escape outside Rodriguez's apartment and called the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.

Allegedly, Rodriguez admitted the deed to ASPCA police, although his story was a little inconsistent.  He was quoted as saying, "I killed the rooster.  I bit the head off.  I bit the rooster's neck.  He died, and then I cut its head off with a knife."  Well, all the important details are consistent, I suppose.  What the report did not explain is who the "ASPCA police" are -- so far as I can tell, this is not an independent police force run by the ASPCA, but a program where actual police officers can get a certification in New York humane law, and then be deployed to protect roosters, etc.  (Those of you who watch "Animal Precinct" apparently will already know this.)

Rodriguez faced up to a year in jail for the rooster murder, but agreed on Monday to a plea deal that would spare him jail time if he is not arrested during the next six months.  I assume that means an arrest on any charge, not just duplicating his prior offense and thus becoming a serial bird killer.  According to the ASPCA, it is illegal even to possess a live rooster in the city (have they ever been to Chinatown?), but if you do have one you certainly can't kill it.

The rooster's head was never found.

Link: CBS News

Charges Dropped Against Woman Arrested for Making Faces at Police Dog

A Vermont prosecutor has dropped dog-taunting charges against Jayna Hutchinson of Lebanon, New Hampshire, thus possibly averting a constitutional showdown over free expression.

Hutchinson was arrested on July 31 after police responded to reports of a brawl going on at a market in the town of West Fairlee.  Hutchinson was not part of the brawl, and in fact approached the officers to tell them that she had been assaulted the day before by one of the men who was fighting.  But the officers refused to take her statement, noting that she appeared to be drunk (she was) and telling her that they would take a statement another time.  That did not please Hutchinson, and after words were exchanged she then allegedly approached the police car and engaged in the dog-taunting behavior.

According to Sgt. Todd Protzman's affidavit, Hutchinson approached the car, put her face close to the window behind which police dog Max was minding his own police business and "star[ed] at him in a taunting/harassing manner."  (Most reports of this incident claim that Hutchinson "made faces" at the dog, and that may be true but the details of any such faces were not provided.  It makes a good headline, however.)  The affidavit was not so clear as to why this justified an arrest.  "While the defendant taunted my canine," Sgt. Protzman wrote, "Max was focused on the defendant and the perceived threat she presented to him.  He was no longer focused on me and the other officers at the scene."  This may be an argument that Max could not perform his duties due to the distraction of Hutchinson's glare, but since Max was evidently still sitting inside the police car and not performing any duties, it sounds more like they were just jealous.

Whatever the reason, the officers arrested Hutchinson, and added a charge for resisting arrest when she struggled.  She was scheduled to go to trial today (Thursday) on that charge and a charge of cruelty to a police animal, but on Tuesday the prosecutor, Will Porter, decided to drop the charges.  Having watched a video of the event over the weekend, Porter said he had decided that it would be difficult to prove that the defendant's conduct had actually changed the dog's behavior.  "Most of the time [in harassment cases] people would come tell the court what it felt like," Porter said.  "Dogs can't do that."  Really?  Why not put Max on the stand and have Hutchinson make a face at him, sort of like how they always ask witnesses to point at the defendant if they see him or her in the courtroom?  Let the jury decide.

How many more police dogs have to be stared at in this country before we start taking this kind of thing seriously?

Link: CBS News

Mexican Restaurant Offers Taco Reward for Info on Break-In

The owner of Melina's Fine Mexican Restaurant, who, strangely, is named "Joe," has offered a reward of 500 tacos for information leading to the arrest of the thief who broke into the restaurant on April 24 and stole $3000.

Joe said he was offering tacos because "all the cash got taken."

500 tacos would feed a person for about two months, if he (and it would be a "he") ate three tacos per meal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  Joe noted that, based on the cost of tacos at Melina's Fine Mexican Restaurant, the reward he was offering was worth approximately $1,200.  As a comment to this story on the Houston Chronicle website noted, based on the fact that Melina's Fine Mexican Restaurant is located in Brigham City, Utah, not really known for its fine Mexican cuisine, the reward may in fact be worth significantly less.

Link: Houston Chronicle

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished # 174

On April 29, a group of canoers, or canoeists, or canoe wranglers, or whatever you call people who canoe (if "canoe" is a verb), tried to help out when they saw a woman fall or jump from the Perrine Bridge over the Snake River in Idaho.  The woman didn't survive, so for obvious reasons the group was pretty shaken up by the time they reached her and got her to shore.

This good-Samaritan act cost them $170, the cost of the two tickets that an officer immediately wrote them for not having life jackets on.  "The body was right there," said Dennis Bohrn, a member of the canoeing party.  "A deputy was trying to console everybody.  Then a sergeant walked up.  He said, 'I see you don't have any life jackets so I am going to give you a citation.'  It seemed a little cold."

The local sheriff said he stood by the officer's decision, though he added, "Could it have been done at another time?  He had a discretion."  Well, that's really not a rhetorical question, sheriff -- yes, it could have been done at another time, or not at all, which is what discretion is for.  "They should use common sense," Bohrn suggested.  "Maybe his superiors could tell him, 'Next time, wait until they get to the dock and the girls aren't crying.'"

Link: AP via Yahoo! News

Youthful Terrorist Apprehended

I have obtained from Slate Magazine's "Hot Documents" file a copy of this police report, which recounts the details of a difficult arrest in Highlands County, Florida, in March.  An excerpt:

When I approached [the perpetrator] she crawled under the table, at which I had to crawl and get her and she began to try to pull her legs away to get away from me.  When I finally got her clear she began to pull and try to run away from me. . . . I placed her in handcuffs to keep her from hitting and she still kept trying to get away.  Upon placing her into the back of the police vehicle she kept unbuckling and trying to get out by placing her foot in the doorway to prevent it from closing. . . . She was transported to the Highlands County Jail.

The perpetrator was charged with battery and resisting arrest.  In her defense, the perp's attorney is expected to argue that the client's behavior is understandable, since she is only six.

Police had been called to Avon Elementary School to subdue Desre'e Watson, a kindergarten student who had been acting up that morning, would not calm down, and allegedly had kicked a teacher with all the deadly force that a 50-pound six-year-old can muster.  This led to Sgt. Neale's dramatic sub-table arrest of the "perpetrator" (that's how she's described in the police report).  The perp may have been taken to jail only because her parents weren't reachable, but that still doesn't explain why they booked a six-year-old and charged her with felony battery.

Link: Slate Magazine

Terrorism Charge Against 15-Year-Old Blamed on Daylight Savings Time

Cody Webb, a student at Hempfield High School in Pennsylvania, was arrested in March after authorities said a phoned-in bomb threat had been traced to the Webb number.  Cody was summoned to the principal's office and then escorted out of the building in front of his friends.  He spent nearly two weeks in juvenile detention, and criminal charges were filed.

But then they were unfiled, after Cody's heroic attorney, Tim Andrews, pointed out that the times of the calls actually did not match because the school had forgotten about daylight savings time.

Daylight savings time, according to Wikipedia, was thought up by Ben Franklin in 1784 as a joke, but was eventually taken seriously and forced upon the rest of the world by members of the golfing cult, who insist on getting up as early as possible to hit a ball around a field with a stick.  The non-golfing benefits of DST are debatable and most of the world does not bother with it.

Areas In Thrall to the Golfing Oligarchy
(Blue = Enslaved; Red = Free; Orange = No Good Courses Anyway)

DST was abolished in Kazakhstan in 2005, apparently based on a variety of "health concerns," and there must have been something to that because its president was then reelected with 92 percent of the vote, and anyone who's been elected president of a country must know what he's doing.  On the other hand, he is a criminal, and this is a country that did not figure out for quite some time that Borat was kidding.

Among the drawbacks of DST is the need to remember about it, which is what tripped up the Hempfield authorities.  Webb had admitted he called in, but said he had called the school's hotline to find out whether bad weather would force classes to be cancelled.  When authorities re-checked the call log, they confirmed that Webb's call was almost exactly one hour before the threatening call came in.

The assistant DA on the case said he moved to dismiss the charges as soon as the mistake was found, by which time Cody had been sitting in jail for twelve days.  Police said that in light of this new evidence, they were "investigating another possible origin of the call," presumably someone who actually made it.  Cody, looking appropriately sullen in the video at the link below, said he felt "betrayed" by the school.  "At this point," he continued, "I don't think I'll ever go back there at all."  Probably, he has.

Link: WTAE Pittsburgh
Link: Pittsburgh Tribune-Review

Ostrich Murderer Walks Away With Five-Month Sentence

The San Francisco Chronicle reported on March 29 that a man who murdered an ostrich late last year had been released from jail after serving only a five-month sentence for animal abuse.

This despite the fact that it was a cold-blooded, premeditated murder carried out for revenge.

According to the report, Jonathon Porter and a friend, Timothy McKevitt, "got in trouble after they took some women to an ostrich ranch after a party last Halloween."  As any drunken armed male ostrich farmer could tell you, women, ostriches, liquor and firearms just do not mix.

Porter's attorney described what happened.  "Apparently the young ladies expressed an interest in seeing the ostriches," he said.  Apparently there were no air quotes around "seeing the ostriches," and so they actually went to an ostrich farm and began to bother an ostrich.  "That all sounded like a good idea," the attorney continued, "until the ostrich physically attacked [the two men], and apparently he got the better of them."  According to the police report, both men were brutally kicked into submission by the ostrich, McKevitt actually being knocked to the ground by the savage bird, who, to make matters worse, is flightless, and who, to make matters even worse, is named "Gaylord."  A district attorney took up the story, saying that "at that point, the crucial thing happened.  Apparently the girls started laughing."

For Gaylord, the female laughter was a death sentence.  "We knew what had to be done," Porter told police afterward.  Yes, after being humiliated by an ostrich, there is only one thing a man can do.  Porter and McKevitt took the women out of harm's way, and out of laughing distance, armed themselves with a rifle and shotgun, and returned to the farm.  Gaylord then paid the price for his arrogance, dying in a hail of bullets.

Porter, who was already on probation, was taken into custody and effectively served five months in jail for the killing.  McKevitt has pleaded not guilty to felony animal abuse and is scheduled for trial in July.

Predictably, the two attorneys each had a different take on the matter.  Porter's attorney conceded that he would "hesitate to ascribe any sort of rational motive" to the ostrich revenge killing, which sort of sounds like there might possibly be a rational motive for an ostrich revenge killing, if only we looked into the matter more closely.  "It was a cross between being really startled by the ostrich and the alcohol," he continued (which is the first time I've heard of someone being startled by alcohol), which "led to a really bad decision."  But the district attorney had a different view.  "This whole thing is about male pride," he said.  "The ostrich knocked them both on their butts."

Link: SFGate.com

New LAPD Flashlights Feared Less Effective in Beatings

On Friday, LAPD Chief William Bratton unveiled new police flashlights powered by LEDs rather than standard bulbs.  The new flashlights are brighter, use less power, need fewer batteries, and so can be made smaller than the two-pound, two-foot model that was previously standard-issue.  While some praised the new high-tech, ten-inch model 7060 LED flashlight, others may be lamenting the loss of the good old Mark One Combined Photon Emission Unit/Kinetic Individual-Suspect-Control Device.

That is, the new flashlights will be harder to beat people with.

That's exactly why the old ones were banned.  According to the report, the idea for the LED coplight "was conceived just days after" the media captured and broadcast images of police using the Mark One to beat a car-theft suspect.  The smaller, brighter flashlight thus fits perfectly with the department's plans to deploy smaller, brighter policemen.

As you might expect, the ACLU chimed in on this story, and its executive director for southern California emitted one of the better quotes so far this year.  "It's a really important step in the right direction," she said, "and it's going to make a difference in how the police department deals with the community.  We've always felt that a flashlight was not an instrument to beat people with.  This new one will serve the purpose it was intended to."  Not an instrument to beat people with?  Lady, if God didn't mean for us to beat people with portable electrical devices he wouldn't have made batteries so big and heavy.  Anyway, flashlights don't beat people -- people beat people.  Smaller flashlights just means more strokes per criminal.

Or, not necessarily, if the Model 7060 can be deployed in the right way.  The report noted that it also features a "tactical mode," in which it becomes "bright enough to temporarily blind suspects."  Its specially designed photons undoubtedly will leave innocent eyeballs intact.

Link: AP via Yahoo! News

The $100 Million Cite-Check Mistake

Those of you who think that only dorks do cite-checking are . . . well, you're right, but unfortunately for you this is a dork-heavy profession.  It's part of the job description.  Case in point: whoever forgot to double-check a federal plea agreement with Walter Anderson, leaving the wrong statute cited therein, has potentially cost the government somewhere between $100 million and $175 million in restitution of unpaid taxes.  Seems like a decent reason to proofread.

Anderson is a telecommunications entrepreneur who the government says also put those entrepreneurial skills to good use hiding income from the IRS.  (It's a little humbling to note that this guy was able to hide almost half a billion dollars through a complicated setup of offshore corporations, and I'm still trying to figure out Schedule A.)  Anderson was prosecuted for tax evasion, sentenced to nine years in prison and ordered to repay $23 million to the District of Columbia.

But because the Justice Department listed the wrong statute in the plea documents, District Judge Paul Friedman said he could not order similar restitution to the federal government.  "I've come to the conclusion," he said Tuesday, "very reluctantly, that I have no authority to order restitution.  I hope the government will appeal me."

It probably will, although it seems to have its hands full these days.  A spokesperson did say that the U.S. Attorney's office would bring civil charges against Anderson, using "ample civil remedies available to recoup the money which are, in some respects, more efficient and quicker," though presumably less efficient and slower in other respects.

During his sentencing hearing on Tuesday, Anderson "appeared humbled but not overly apologetic."  He "took responsibility for his actions but said he never intended to defraud the government" just because he didn't file tax returns on more than $450 million in income over five tax years.  Anderson also said in his defense that the extra millions he kept weren't funding an opulent lifestyle.  (Which strikes me as not a very good defense, but I'm not a tax attorney.)  "For every time I ate in a nice restaurant," he said, "I also grabbed a doughnut or a burger in an airport.  I could have wasted millions.  I could have taken a limo everywhere."  He even occasionally flew coach, for Christ's sake.  What more can a man do?

Judge Frieman, unimpressed by Anderson's "could have wasted millions" defense, sentenced him near the top end of the possible range.  With time served he will be out in less than six years.

Link: CNN.com

Deputy Leprechaun Harasses Orlando Motorists

Whether it was "harassment" I guess depends on your point of view.  The Orlando Sentinel reported Thursday that dozens of drivers were ticketed for ignoring warnings not to speed, even though those warnings were being given by a deputy dressed as a leprechaun.  He stood next to a sign reading "Watch your speed or it will cost you your pot of gold," dressed in a green leprechaun outfit complete with hat, a fake red beard, and, according to the Associated Press, "tight white knickers."  His leprechaun station also concealed a laser speed detector, while human officers with motorcycles stood ready to pursue those who ignored the warning.

"We do this sort of thing a lot on holidays," said a spokesman.  As some of you may know, and may already be drinking to celebrate, St. Patrick's Day is on Saturday.  St. Patrick, of course, is known for driving the snakes out of Ireland, and also ensuring that they left at a speed that was appropriate for the prevailing weather conditions.

The "leprechaun" may have recycled his outfit from a few months ago, since the same deputy apparently manned a speed trap in December while dressed as a Christmas elf.  According to the report, at the time, some of those who were ticketed complained that being stopped by a deputy in costume was entrapment, which I think is basically saying that they thought they were being waved at by an actual Christmas elf.  "I think that's just ridiculous," said the leprechaun, when asked about the entrapment allegations.  "The elf didn't force anybody to speed."

Link: AP via Yahoo! News

Penguin Sought in Connection With Child Taunting

The Kansas City Star reported yesterday that authorities in the suburb of Gardner, Kansas, were investigating reports that a man showed up at an elementary-school basketball game and disrupted it by insulting the children.  He also scuffled with coaches and parents.  A city administrator was quoted as saying the event involved someone being overly aggressive and loud, and that officials were conducting interviews to determine exactly what had happened.

Among their questions may be "why the man chose to dress in a penguin suit," which the Star said was not known at press time.

Based only on the color scheme, it may have something to do with the fact that the man was a former referee for the city's youth-basketball league, who was banned from working fifth- and sixth-grade games after complaints that he let the games get too rough.  Apparently, the penguin's insults were directed at the team who had complained about him.  He was not identified in the report, but witnesses have said that they recognized the former referee when he made the poor decision to remove the head of his penguin suit.  This may have increased the effectiveness of his taunting, but it disclosed his identity.  On the other hand, you have to admire a man who will do whatever it takes to make a sixth-grader cry.

As of yesterday, the city was investigating but had not suspended the man, asked him to turn in his penguin suit, or taken any other action.

Link: Kansas City Star

China Says Its Courts Will Be More Cautious With Death Penalty

In a joint statement released on Sunday, the top legal bodies of the People's Republic of China have declared that the country should "gradually reduce" the number of executions it carries out, and should be a little more careful in deciding who gets whacked.

The additional caution might just make a difference, given that, according to Amnesty International, China executed at least 1,770 people in 2005 -- 80 percent of all the known executions in the world that year -- and the real number may be as high as 10,000.  While I have my calculator out, the higher number would mean one less alleged felon every 52 minutes, during which time another 692 new Chinese would be born, plus another one just over halfway out, and now it is time to put my calculator away.

This new concern for civil rights comes after a series of high-profile cases that have somewhat embarrassed the regime, which may or may not have anything to do with the upcoming Olympics.  In one famous case, a man was convicted of killing a woman in the 1980s in Hunan province after he allegedly confessed to the murder, and was executed.  She inconveniently showed up in 2005, unmurdered.

Hence, an increased concern in China today about executions -- at least to some degree.  "Our country still cannot abolish the death penalty," the statement said, although the day when it can is probably just around the corner, "but should gradually reduce its application."  For example, it continued, "where there is a possibility someone should not be executed, then without exception the person should not be killed."  That ought to have Amnesty International breaking out the noisemakers.

In two other radical changes, the authorities also suggested that, in the future, suspects should not be tortured into making confessions, and condemned prisoners should not be paraded through the streets before being executed.  That last one should come as a relief, since parades can get exhausting when you have to have one every 52 minutes.

Link: AP via FindLaw.com

Police Chief and Police Dog May Have Same Degree

Criminal defense attorney Gene Murray is aggressively defending his client against drug possession charges, in part by arguing that the city police chief, who took part in the traffic stop that led to the arrest, is not qualified.  Murray is seeking to call an important defense witness on this issue -- Rocko, the police dog.

Rocko would allegedly be serving as an exhibit, actually, not a witness.  He is relevant, according to Murray, because Rocko has a degree in criminal justice from Concordia College & University, an online institution based in the Virgin Islands.  This is relevant because Chief McGuire has the same degree.

McGuire, chief of police in Fostoria, Ohio, has already been charged by a special prosecutor with lying on his job application when he applied to be chief last year, and will face a trial on the issue in March.  McGuire allegedly misrepresented information about his last three jobs, according to the prosecutor.  Murray argues that McGuire was not legally employed at all and so had no authority to make the arrest or the search.

Murray's addition to the debate is his contention that both McGuire and Rocko  have "graduated" from Concordia College & University, and that if the Concordia degree can be acquired by a dog -- a moderately intelligent quadruped but one without opposable thumbs or the ability to speak English -- it is not sufficient to indicate that one is qualified to be a chief of police.  Murray attached copies of two diplomas to a motion he filed Monday, one bearing the name of John McGuire and the other naming one "John I. Rocko."  The filing did not explain how Murray knows that this is the same "Rocko" or, if it is, how Rocko the Dog got enrolled.  That is a little odd since presumably Murray enrolled him for purposes of this motion, but maybe there is more to that story.

The city officials who hired McGuire have backed him up.  Among other things, they have said that his hiring was "not influenced by his college degree," which I'm not sure is really what they meant to say.  Meanwhile, McGuire's attorney insisted that his client had done nothing wrong.  "My client had absolutely nothing to do with any animal getting a degree from an institution of higher learning," he said, thus completely missing the point.  "The whole thing is bizarre."  What may be most bizarre about that is his description of Concordia College & University as an "institution of higher learning."  If it is, you would expect fewer typos on its website (see link below if you like, or if you need to get a degree this afternoon), and also a little more confidence in its "accreditation."

The prosecutor handling the drug case said he would oppose the request to call Rocko to court, though he seemed resigned to the fact that the issue might be relevant.  "I don't think it's necessary to bring the actual dog," he said.

Link: Yahoo! News
Link: Concordia College & University