Lowering the Bar

Tiny Billionaire Will Be New Italian Prime Minister

Silvio Berlusconi won another term as Italy's prime minister on April 14, despite being shorter than his rivals.  Berlusconi, who is just five feet six inches tall, or a mere 1.71 meters in metric units, is routinely portrayed in political cartoons as small or wearing high heels.  This perplexes him.  "I don't understand why all the caricaturists portray me as a dwarf whereas the others are allowed a normal height," said the tiny billionaire at a rally in March.

Berlusconi has been prime minister twice before, though he has been on the sidelines since 2006 when he lost to Romano Prodi, who is taller.  But after Prodi's government failed, requiring new elections, Berlusconi started to compare himself to Prodi, at least in terms of height.  "I am taller than [Vladimir] Putin and [Nicolas] Sarkozy," he insisted.  "I'm tall like Prodi."

Berlusconi was referring to a newspaper article that had discussed the stature of various world leaders (thus wasting valuable space on this meaningless statistic rather than reporting on important issues like the candidates' bowling averages).  According to the article, Berlusconi is in fact taller than the Russian or French leader; Sarkozy is just 1.65 meters tall, Putin is 1.67, and Berlusconi 1.71.

But there is no doubt he is not "tall like Prodi," as he claimed.  Prodi made that clear in the 2006 campaign, after Berlusconi attacked him for being reluctant to debate him.  Berlusconi said that, if necessary, he would go on TV and debate with an empty chair.  "He should jump up on it," Prodi replied.  "It would give him more stature."

Link: AFP via Yahoo! News

"Pro-Life" Candidate Seeks to Appear on Idaho Ballot

Probably most Senate candidates from Idaho have been pro-life, but this one is Pro-Life.  Literally.

Mr. Pro-Life, 66, is a strawberry farmer who was born "Marvin T. Richardson."  He ran for the state legislature under that name in 2004, but got just 22.1 percent of the vote.  He then legally changed his name to "Marvin Pro-Life Richardson," planning to run for governor in 2006.  But that attempt was foiled by the Idaho Secretary of State's office.  Citing a state supreme court decision holding that ballots can only identify candidates and cannot include political slogans, state election officials, who apparently loathe the unborn, refused to let the new middle name appear on the ballot.

"I don't know why they're being so ridiculous," said Marvin Pro-Life Richardson at the time.  "Maybe they think I'll get a certain amount of votes and it would cause the election to go some way or another.  But I don't think that's going to happen."  It didn't.  Plain old "Marvin Richardson" got 7,309 votes, but that was only 1.62 percent of the total.

Richardson announced recently that he had legally changed his name again, so that he is now known only as "Pro-Life."  Deprived of the ambiguity they previously exploited in order to further their anti-life agenda, state officials have said their hands are now tied: Pro-Life must appear on the ballot.  In fact, he might appear on a lot of ballots, since Pro-Life says he is committed to running for the highest state office that is in play in each election, every two years, for the rest of his life.  (In this election, he is running for the Senate seat about to be vacated by Larry Craig.)  "I think it's just and I think it's proper to have Pro-Life on the ballot," he said.

But this battle of wits is far from over.  Opponents of Pro-Life, most of whom are pro-life, say they are concerned that pro-life voters may be confused by the presence of Pro-Life on the ballot along with other pro-life candidates.  If voters choose both, thinking a vote for Pro-Life is really a vote for pro-life, that ballot would be disqualified.  On Monday, the Legislature took up a bill that would add "(a person formerly known as ____)" to the ballot entry for anyone using a political slogan as a name.  That bill rocketed through the state Senate and passed unanimously that afternoon.   If it also passes the House, the new legislation may be in place for the upcoming election.  "This is ridiculous," said Pro-Life.  "I think it shows that we're a real debased kind of unintelligent society."

Pro-Life's platform is that doctors who perform abortions, and women who obtain the procedure, should get the death penalty.

Link:  CBS News
Link:  Idaho Press-Tribune

Kevorkian May Run for Congress

Dr. Jack Kevorkian, who was released on parole last year after serving eight years for second-degree murder, reportedly will run for Congress in a hotly contested House race.  A local paper reported on March 12 that Kevorkian had obtained the paperwork that he would need to get his name on the ballot.

Kevorkian was involved in the deaths of well over 100 people in the 1990s, deaths he characterized as assisted suicides.  (He is shown here rather gleefully posing with the apparatus he invented for that purpose.)  In 1998, he was charged with and convicted of murder in Michigan.  He was released last June.  As some of you may be interested to learn, the Constitution does not prohibit a convicted felon from serving in Congress.  It only requires that you be at least 25, a U.S. citizen, and that you reside in the state you plan to represent, which of course Kevorkian has been doing for at least the last eight years or so.

Kevorkian plans to run as an independent, joining the race between GOP incumbent Joe Knollenberg and Democrat Gary Peters.  His platform will reportedly focus on prison reform, bringing integrity back to government, and not helping kill people (at least, not personally).  Ruth Holmes, Kevorkian's "longtime jury consultant," who did pretty well until that last outing, was quoted as saying that "Jack is in great spirits and he intends to do this.  He just hopes for some honesty in government."  According to Holmes, Kevorkian needs to collect 3,000 signatures by mid-July in order to qualify for the ballot.

According to this 2005 report, Kevorkian has shopped a book manuscript tentatively titled "The Life of Dr. Death," and a movie version was planned.  Producer Steve Jones reportedly said Ben Kingsley was at the top of his "short list" of actors who he hoped might play Kevorkian.  According to the Internet Movie Database, a movie called "The Kevorkian Chronicles" is currently in production, produced by Jones and directed by Barbara Kopple, an Oscar-winning documentary filmmaker whose prior work also includes "High School Musical: The Music In You."  (Ben Kingsley is not mentioned.)

Kevorkian's sudden interest in running for public office is probably coincidental.

Link: Huffington Post

How Client-9 Was Caught

NPR had an interesting segment this morning (March 12) as to how Client-9, formerly known as Eliot Spitzer, was found out.  As you might expect, our old friend the USA Patriot Act had a part to play, helping fulfill its mission of keeping America safe from the emperors' clubs that threaten our way of life.  But there is more to that story.

You probably know that cash transactions of more than $10,000 have to be reported, but if, like me, you thought your many cash transactions totaling $9,999 were off the radar, think again.  NPR interviewed bank officials who said that bank software scrutinizes every transaction -- that's every transaction, whether you're withdrawing money you're going to use to rent "Kristen" or buying a croissant with your debit card -- and flags any transaction that is part of a pattern that the software deems "suspicious."  Client-9's frequent cash transfers -- each less than $10,000 but possibly adding up to as much as $80,000 -- were flagged by this software and this triggered a money-laundering investigation.  As it turned out, something probably needed to be laundered, but it wasn't money.

As NPR reports, part of this system was put in place by the USA Patriot Act.  Number of terrorists caught plotting (to date): [classified].  Number of governors caught cheating (to date): one.  Further proof that the USA Patriot Act is [classified].

But the irony lies in the source of another part of that same tracking system, which, it turns out, was put in place as a result of investigations into corporate financial practices by a certain zealous former New York attorney general.  Who is also, as of this morning, a former New York governor.  The Law of Unintended Consequences strikes again.

Andy Borowitz foreshadowed today's announcement with his post yesterday about Spitzer's tearful resignation from the Emperor's Club.

Link: NPR.org (audio)
Link: Get Yourself a Client-9 T-Shirt

Deadline to Apply for Internship With Sen. Larry Craig is March 15

Remember, time is running out to apply for an internship in the office of Senator Larry Craig (R-Idaho).  The deadline is March 15, 2008, or when Senator Craig resigns, whichever comes first.

"For those interested in politics," Craig writes on his official site, the internship position represents "an incredible opportunity to get a behind-the-scenes look at how our government functions."  Even if you are not particularly interested in government or politics, you may still have ample opportunity to get a behind-the-scenes look at something or other.

Among the senator's primary mission goals:

• To deliver "high quality constituent service,"
• To protect the nation "while guarding our personal freedoms,"
• To ensure access to adequate health care and spacious, private restroom facilities, and, most importantly,
• To "defend and strengthen the traditional values of the American family."

As you fill out the essay portion of the internship application, you should remember that the senator takes an especially wide stance on many of the issues above.

Link:  Official Website of U.S. Senator Larry Craig

"Puddles" Scandal Drives Mayor Out of Office

Grace Saenz-Lopez, the mayor of Alice, Texas, resigned on February 1 after admitting that she had dognapped a Shih Tzu named "Puddles" that she had been caring for.

Not since Nixon's "Checkers" speech has a stupidly named dog been so important to a politician's career.

Neighbors had given the dog to the mayor to take care of while they were on vacation last summer.  Just a day after they left, Saenz-Lopez called them and told them the dog had died.  (But enjoy your vacation!)  Three months later, however, a relative of the neighbors saw the dog at a groomer and noticed it was not dead.

The mayor refused to return the dog.  It's not clear from this report whether she denied it was the same dog (she had renamed it "Panchito") or just flatly refused to give it back, but either way, the battle was on.  The family sued her and also filed a criminal complaint.  It seems that Saenz-Lopez then told the police that Puddles/Panchito was missing, but it was then spotted at the home of her twin sister who lived in a town about 10 miles away, and who was no better a dog-concealer than her twin.

The false police report did not help matters, and the mayor was indicted in January on two felony counts of tampering with and concealing evidence, which led to her resignation.

In her resignation letter, Saenz-Lopez wrote, "I am sorry for the division that the events of these last few weeks have caused," using the passive voice to indicate that it was the events' fault and she was sorry for what they had done.  'It was never my intention," she said, "to bring any negative exposure to our city."

The mayor's attorney has said that his client believed the dog would die if it was returned to her neighbors, but did not explain why she believed that.

Link: AP via SFGate.com

Barack Obama's Fight Against Vampires Set to Music

You may know that Barack Obama was president of the Harvard Law Review, but you probably didn't know that he then became engaged in a fight against a secret society of student vampires.  Now that story is not only being told, there is a musical version.

Barackula - The Musical is . . . well, here's their synopsis:

Barackula is a short political horror rock musical about young Barack Obama having to stave off a secret society of vampires at Harvard when he was inducted into presidency at the Harvard Law Review in 1990. Obama (Justin Sherman) finds that he must convince the vampire society that opposing political philosophies can coexist or else the society may transform Obama to the dark side.

The musical, which is also being made into a short film, is described as "reminiscent [of] Michael Jackson's Thriller [with] a slight infusion of Jesus Christ Superstar . . . ."  The "dancing Harvard student vampires" are said to be a highlight.

There does not appear to be any actual connection to Harvard.

Link: Barackula, The Musical

Warrant Issued for Formerly Naked SF Mayoral Candidate

San Francisco's slate of mayoral candidates is frequently very colorful (including perennial candidate "Starchild"), and only infrequently naked.  Even less frequently are candidates naked in public, although guitar-playing is common.

Sources reported on December 21 that a warrant had been issued for the arrest of Grasshopper Alec Kaplan, a candidate in the most recent election.  Grasshopper failed to appear to answer charges that he had played his guitar in the nude while sitting on top of his van outside the San Mateo County Events Center.  Grasshopper was in San Mateo on October 21 for the county's Democratic presidential straw poll.

According to a San Mateo deputy district attorney, Grasshopper told police that "he was from San Francisco and that he was extremely hot and he just got naked.  He said that type of action is encouraged in San Francisco."  I can tell you that it is tolerated, depending on the circumstances, but is not encouraged.

He had a good explanation for failing to appear in court last week, as it turned out.  Grasshopper, who in addition to being a politician is a homeless taxi driver, was already in jail in San Francisco for charges of battery and false imprisonment of a passenger.  (That type of action is also not encouraged.)  He is serving a nine-month sentence for that and could get another six for the naked strumming.

Link: Inside Bay Area (Oakland Tribune)

Nebraska State Senator Sues God to Protest Frivolous Lawsuit

Angry about frivolous lawsuits, in particular one recently filed against a Nebraska judge, State Senator Ernie Chambers has decided to cut to the chase and take legal action against the source of all his irritation, namely God.

Chambers says he is making a point -- that anybody can sue anybody -- to protest what he says is a frivolous lawsuit against Lancaster County District Judge Jeffre Cheuvront.  Cheuvront was in the news himself not long ago for granting a motion in limine to exclude the word "rape" from a rape trial.  (He decided using that word would be unduly prejudicial.)  The case ended in a mistrial, and the accuser in that case has sued Cheuvront, which is what Chambers is mad about.  He filed his lawsuit even though the judge hearing that case has already suggested there is no legal basis for it.

Chambers called his lawsuit "appropriate," at least in comparison to the accuser's lawsuit.  "People might call it frivolous," he said, "but if they read it they'll see there are very serious issues I have raised."

Okay.

In the complaint, Chambers accuses Defendant of making "terroristic threats" and of directly and proximately causing "fearsome floods, egregious earthquakes, horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes," and otherwise offering a lot of alliteration in the crackpot complaint pursuing his ponderous point.

Chambers asks the court to waive the personal-service requirement on the grounds that Defendant and His agents are present throughout Douglas County, but Plaintiff cannot determine which agent to properly serve. He says he has tried to serve Defendant by publication (apparently by shouting, "Come out, come out, wherever you are") to no avail.  The court is asked to take judicial notice of the fact that Defendant is omnipresent, and has actual notice of the action by virtue of being omniscient.

Plaintiff seeks a permanent injunction against Defendant.

It is unlikely that Chambers will succeed, partly because there is already a fair amount of precedent rejecting this kind of a claim.  For example, in 1971, a federal court in Pennsylvania dismissed Gerald Mayo's civil-rights action against Satan and various unnamed servants, on the grounds that there was no jurisdiction over the defendants.  United States ex rel. Mayo v. Satan and his Staff, 54 F.R.D. 282 (W.D. Pa. 1971).

I found it comical that, in the Associated Press photo posted on CBS's site, Chambers is posed in front of a fan so that he looks like he's got a halo.

That probably makes him furious.

Ironically, and very probably making him even furiouser, Chambers also looks an awful lot like Morgan Freeman, who has actually portrayed God in at least one movie (Bruce Almighty).

I assume this is just another one of the Defendant's little jokes.

Link: CBS News
Link: Chambers v. God, Case No. 1075/462 (District Court for Douglas County, Neb., complaint filed Sept. 14, 2007).

Fight Breaks Out in Alabama Legislature

Those readers who complained a while back when I made fun of a massive brawl that broke out in Taiwan's legislature (yes, a couple of people complained about that) may be pleased to learn that a fight broke out last Thursday in an American state legislature.  Claiming he had been called a "son of a bitch" (I'm inferring that from the report's use of "son of a [expletive]"), Alabama state senator Charles Bishop (R-Tuscaloosa) threw a punch at Democratic Senator Lowell Barron (D-Jackson).  "I responded to his comment with my right hand," Bishop later told reporters.

Barron denied saying that to Bishop and said  that he was (as CNN put it) "trying to get away when he was hit by Bishop on the side of the head near the ear."  Only on CNN do you get the kind of in-depth coverage that clarifies for viewers where the mysterious "side of the head" is located (hint: it's near the fleshy thing you may know as "the ear").  I haven't seen the FOX News coverage of this, but I imagine it will have something to do with Republicans having the guts to take preemptive action, while Democrats try to cut and run.

Anyway, Bishop did not deny hitting Barron, but on the other hand, he couldn't, because the punch was caught by Alabama Public Television.

"I Yield the Balance of my Time to The Gentleman Who Is Caning Me"

Bishop did say he regretted throwing the punch because "that's not the way grown men solve their problems," but did not apologize to Barron.  In fact, he said that if Barron said it again, he would "whup" him again.

The tension apparently had to do with delays in election-reform legislation, which Republicans are pushing but which Barron, chairman of the Rules Committee, has not allowed to come up for debate.  (As part of the majority party, Barron was not required to actually eat the legislation to stop it, as one brave minority-party legislator did in Taiwan.)

That afternoon, the Senate considered censuring Bishop, an act that apparently would have entailed expelling him from the chamber for the rest of the day, a grueling punishment indeed.  But Bishop didn't wait around.  "I love every one of you," he said, presumably since Barron was not in the room.  "Most of all, I love this chamber.  I'm going home, and you all have a good day."  Barron, whose sides of the head were not seriously hurt, said he had not decided whether he would file any charges against Bishop.

Members of the Alabama House seeme disappointed in the other body.  "It's certainly a black eye [get it?] on the Legislature, and the Senate in particular," said Rep. Jay Love.  There should be no further fisticuffs, since Thursday was the last day of the regular session.  But there is always hope for a special session, preferably a cage match.

Link: CNN.com
Link: Birmingham News

Congressman Pursues Pick-Pocket, Publicity

Rep. Rodney Frelinghuysen, a 61-year-old GOP congressman from New Jersey, was pick-pocketed in Georgetown on Thursday night but, true to his party's tough-on-crime stance, chased down and caught the 18-year-old suspect.  Nearby police saw the chase and made an arrest.

A police spokesman confirmed to a local news station that "something like that occurred [Thursday] in Georgetown," but he would not confirm that a congressman was involved, saying he could not "identify the surviving victim of any crime."  He stuck with the policy of victim anonymity although in this case it may not matter since, as the spokesman noted, "I understand the victim has been calling the news media and telling them his story."

Frelinghuysen or his press secretary may be working this behind the scenes, but his web site does not (yet) have a reference to the incident.  The most recent press release is entitled "Immigration: We are a Nation of Laws," which is sort of related, possibly.  The latest news report on the congressman's site announces that another $1 million in federal funds has been secured to build a visitor's center for the Great Swamp National Wildlife Refuge, located in the congressman's district.  That does not seem related, except the Great Swamp might be a good place to put 18-year-old pickpockets.  Put them to work at the visitor's center, I mean.

Link: Yahoo! News

CORRECTION Re: Taiwan Legislative Tactics

A few days ago I commented on another brawl that had broken out in Taiwan's legislature, this time over the makeup of the country's Central Election Committee, and also noted that past legislative tactics have included not just brawls but the throwing of various things, and on at least one occasion the eating of a bill that the eater strongly opposed.  After that post, I heard from scholar Michael Turton, at Chaoyang University in western Taiwan, who knows one hell of a lot more about the country's legislature than I do, and had a couple of points to make.

First, I had suggested that the CEC was not the most important thing to be brawling about, but Mr. Turton pointed out that Taiwan is still emerging from a time of authoritarian rule, and that the CEC is extremely important as the country's guarantor of fair elections.  So, point taken -- given how our last few elections have gone (didn't someone offer to send international observers to Florida in 2000?), I probably should not have called this unimportant.

Second, though, I told him we might have to agree to disagree about whether bill-eating is a good legislative strategy, but in the interest of fairness I will just post his comments on that particular issue, and let readers decide:

Take the bill eating exercise. The DPP legislator stopped a critically dangerous piece of legislation by that simple act. In Taiwan there are five branches of government, and the opposition parties, working in concert with China, have paralyzed several of them, either by refusing to provide budgets, or by refusing to approve nominees (one of the narratives of the pro-China side is that Taiwan cannot govern itself). The opposition maintains a thin majority in the legislature, which is overly powerful in Taiwan's unbalanced constitutional system.

Previously Taiwan's bizarre governmental arrangements didn't matter, since the government was merely the exoskeleton of a one party state run by the Chairman of the Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT), who sent down orders through the Party heirarchy. Previous Presidents derived their authority from their position as Chairman, not because they have any under the Constitution, which was never meant to actually function. Hence, the Presidency is too weak, while the legislature is too powerful. The eaten bill would have stripped the Presidency of most of its remaining powers over foreign policy -- opening the way for the legislature to conduct its own foreign policy -- a pro-China one -- while paralyzing another branch of government.

By eating the bill, which there was no way to stop legislatively, that woman put a stop to a major effort to undermine governance on the island. Simple, effective, and brilliant.

Assuming, of course, they didn't have another copy.

Candidate Wins Race With Zero Votes

Joe Selle appears to have triumphed in last week's city council elections in Missouri City, Missouri, a town of 300 people that is confusingly situated near Kansas City, Missouri.

Here's the background you'll be wanting on that.  Missouri City, Missouri, may or may not have been founded by people who objected to Kansas City, Missouri, not being called Missouri City in the first place since it is in Missouri and not Kansas.  Neither Missouri City, Missouri, nor Kansas City, Missouri, should be confused with Kansas City, Kansas, which is actually on the Kansas side of the state line.  Sadly, there does not appear to be a Missouri City, Kansas.  There is an Arkansas City, Kansas, which residents pronounce "Ar-Kansas" apparently to distinguish themselves from the state of Arkansas, which, oddly enough, they are nowhere near.  None of these places should be confused with Missouri City, Texas, near Houston, which seems to have been given that name in 1890 by real estate investors who were trying to fool people in St. Louis (the part in Missouri, not the part in Illinois) into thinking they would be moving to Missouri rather than to Texas.  (It didn't work.)

So.  This Missouri City had city council elections on April 3, in which Joe Selle ran unopposed.  He got zero votes.  Selle speculated that everyone in town had forgotten Tuesday was election day, because he did.  He said he saw other residents down at the school where the polling place was located, "but it never occurred to me that's what they were there for."  And so it never occurred to him to vote for himself, which led to a vote total of zero, since none of the other 33 registered voters in his ward voted, either.

But it appears that Selle has managed to go from losing an election in which he was unopposed to winning one in which he got no votes.  After some consultation, the board of elections seems to have decided that under the city's charter, which pre-dates the Civil War, Selle retains the seat because an incumbent stays in office until "another party is successfully elected and qualified."  No federal statute would affect that provision, unlike another provision of the charter which became controversial in 2001.  That year, the city's first female mayor was finally sworn in after the council decided that federal law trumped the charter's requirement that the mayor be a "free white male."

Selle, who is a professional musician when he's not doing whatever the city council does in Missouri City (they don't waste their time amending the charter, that's for sure), had been appointed to the seat but will now apparently get a full term.  He did not seem too surprised by how things had gone.  "It's pretty small-town stuff down here, man," he said.

Link: Kansas City Star

Japanese Candidate Says He Will Win By Outliving Opponents

Having just lost in his fourth attempt to become Governor of Tokyo, famous inventor Dr. Yoshiro Nakamatsu was undaunted and said he would run up to 16 more times if necessary.  He also said he did not believe age would be a factor in any of these future campaigns, although he is already 78 and the elections take place only every four years.  "I'm going to live to 144," he said, "so I'm still only middle-aged.  I can run for Tokyo governor 16 more times."

According to reports, Dr. Nakamatsu is a prolific and eccentric inventor who claims to have over 3,000 patents (that loser Edison had fewer than 1,100), including early versions of the floppy disk, the digital watch, aircraft landing gear, and something called the "Love Jet" that I frankly didn't look into too closely.  He believes that his lifestyle, which involves only 4 hours of sleep and 700 calories per day, will allow him and anyone who adopts it to live to the age of 144, which explains his claim above.

At a press conference in March, Nakamatsu said that if elected, he would (1) cut taxes and (2) "protect Tokyo from attack by [means of] an invention that will make missiles turn around."  He did not give any details as to how his missile repeller works, but coming from the inventor of the PyonPyon spring-loaded shoe and the Cerebrex brain-stimulating recliner, this is a claim that must be taken seriously.

Japanese voters ignored it, however, choosing instead to re-elect the incumbent, Shintaro Ishihara.  Ishihara got 2.8 million votes, while Nakamatsu got just 85,946.  Still, he was not discouraged and said that he would one day become governor, even if he had to run in every election during his expected 144-year lifespan.  Victory was inevitable, he said, because at some point in the next 66 years, "all the others will die off, so I will be elected."  It does not seem to have crossed his mind that younger candidates may get involved at some point.

After doing some research, I developed some doubts that Dr. Nakamatsu really exists.   There are a few articles on him from fairly reputable sources, but few details, and some of the details I did find made this seem more like a hoax.  For example, an article in Japan Inc. claimed that he was descended from an "ancient samurai family," that he spends hours underwater every day in his swimming pool "using a special breathing technique and jotting brainstorms down on a waterproof Plexiglas writing pad," and that he has written nearly 100 books, including one called "How to Become a Superman Lying Down."  I certainly hoped this person existed, and that I, too, could become a superman without getting up off the couch, but found it a little hard to believe.

But a search of the U.S. Patent Office did reveal a number of patents that have actually been awarded to a "Yoshiro Nakamatsu," including:

• No. 4,987,896 (Apparatus for increasing the activity of the human brain);
• No. 4,407,226 (Device for manufacturing a magnetic recording medium);
• No. 4,259,550 (Acoustic device with floating vibrating means); and
• No. 4,215,860 (Golf club).

"Golf club" especially is one that you'd expect to have heard about, since this is not just any golf club, but one that allows "any unskilled golfer [to] play golf without taking unnatural attitudes," will prevent your ribs from fracturing due to the force of your swing, and "will minimize unfavorable effects to the internal organs of human body, or more particularly prevention of heart attack."  How many more golfers have to die before Dr. Nakamatsu's genius is taken seriously?  Still, the six patents I found fall somewhat short of the 3,000 that he claims, although he could well have 2,994 patents in Japan that I just don't know how to find.

I, for one, look forward to the day when all other candidates for governor have finally died, clearing the deck for Dr. Nakamatsu to become governor.  And I should still be around to see it, since if I start his program today I will be around until 2109.

Link: Yahoo! News
Link: CNN
Link: Japan Today
Link: Japan Inc

Sen. Specter's Lips Refuse to Participate in Subpoena Vote

Paul Kane of the Washington Post's "Capitol Briefing" blog wrote recently that although the Senate Judiciary Committee voted on Thursday to approve subpoenas for top White House aides in connection with the prosecutor-firing scandal, former committee chairman Arlen Specter appeared to have great difficulty deciding how to vote.

So he didn't.  Or, he may have, but not audibly, or if he did say something it definitely was not either "aye" or "nay."  He was willing to say at least that much.

Kane writes that after 90 minutes of heated debate, the Democrats went along with Republican requests not to hold a roll-call vote on the measure.  (That's 90 minutes of heated debate just on how to take the vote, not about what the result should be.)  Chairman Patrick Leahy ordered a voice vote -- "all in favor say 'aye.'"  The assembled reporters were able to tell that all the Democrats yelled "aye," as did one Republican (Sen. Grassley of Iowa, who probably just said it rather than yelling it).  Seven other Republicans then yelled "nay" -- but when the dust settled nobody seemed to be sure how the remaining Republican, Sen. Specter, had voted.

There appeared to be a firm consensus that, when the "ayes" were requested, Specter "clearly opened his mouth and seemed to move his lips."  But no one could confirm whether any sound had actually emanated from between the lips.  And when Leahy asked for the "nays," neither Specter's lips nor any of his other mouth parts appeared to move at all.

The media sprang into action.  "Capitol Briefing convened a meeting of reporters afterward to decide whether Specter had voted in favor of the subpoenas.  There was no clear answer," and of course no written record of the vote.  Nor was Specter willing to clarify matters.  "Specter refused to say which way he voted," Kane wrote.  "He said he did what he did and if we didn't notice he wasn't going to help us."  They left.  Later, however, Specter seemed to realize that not taking a position on whether he had taken a position might not be the best position to take, and he tracked down some reporters himself.

"The fact of the matter," he said, "is that I did not say anything.  I did not vote and [did not] say either 'aye' or 'nay.'  I just sat there hoping that it would all go away through negotiations.  Factually, I did not say a thing."  Specter did not deny that his mouth might have moved when the "ayes" were requested, nor did he claim that it moved at all during the "nay" period.  But he seemed to be insisting that regardless of what one or both of his lips might have been doing, no information-modulated sound had escaped from between them and so, legally, no vote had been made.

Still photo from a C-SPAN video.  Experts believe the photo shows
Specter's top lip locked in the "no" position, at the same time his
lower lip is in the process of deploying in order to articulate "yes."
The conflict may explain his inability to cast any vote whatsoever.

In the end, of course, it didn't matter, because the vote was already 11 to 7 in favor of approving the subpoenas, and so his making noise would not have made a difference.  Besides, you never know.  If you just sit there, it may all go away through negotiations.  On the other hand, that never worked for Larry when Moe and Curly were having a dispute.  (Yes, I learned most of my negotiation skills from the Three Stooges.  Try grabbing the other guy's nose with a pair of pliers during your next mediation.  Works wonders.)

Kane reminds us that Specter has been on the fence before, most prominently 1999 when it was time to vote on whether to impeach President Clinton.  Specter voted "not proven," citing Scottish law for an action intended to express the fact that one disapproves yet feels constrained not to convict.  (Hey, at least he emitted a sound.)  The other 99 senators, stuck with the boring old American legal tradition, all voted either "guilty" or "not guilty."

Link: Washington Post -- Capitol Briefing

Clinton Campaign May Be Tracking Gore's Waistline

Eleanor Clift writes in the upcoming issue of Newsweek that Al Gore will likely run for president, and it appears that one of the clearest signs that he does intend to run is the fact that he says he doesn't.  In fact, he is running, Clift says, but "is not taking any overt steps toward running."  We know he's running, because it doesn't look at all like he is.

Of course, that doesn't mean he's not taking covert steps toward running, such as secretly publicizing the issue of global warming and quietly winning an Oscar.  Clift also reports that Gore (or someone acting on his behalf) is finishing a book about "the forces in society that are undermining democracy," which will be published in May.  That timing is suspicious, or not.

Or, he may in fact be running but just doesn't know that he's running.  "I believe him when he says he doesn't have any intention of running," an insider told Newsweek, "but I also believe the door is not completely shut."  In other words, Gore really doesn't have any plans to run but his unconscious mind is laying the groundwork.  And this may or may not be the reason that Gore has been losing weight.  "The theory," Clift writes, "is that slimming down will be a signal he intends to run."  This means that Gore's waistline may or may not be something that the Clinton team is closely watching.  "He has lost a few pounds," said a longtime Gore advisor, "and Hillary can read into that what she wants."

According to the report, Gore is "trying to be healthier, working out daily when he can," and that of course could mean that he is running, that he is just trying to be healthier, or that he is trying to be healthier because he is going to run although he hasn't realized that yet.

Link: Newsweek via MSNBC.com

Unrepentant City Council President Says He Took Bribes "For the People"

It was all for the people of Atlantic City, said former city council president Craig Callaway.  Since he was saying this at a sentencing hearing after being convicted of taking bribes from an FBI informant, it is possible that he was exaggerating his altruistic motives a bit.

Callaway, who was elected to the council in 2002 and ascended to the presidency the next year, was described as the head of a "political crew" that sought to maintain power in part by intimidating its opponents.  More specifically, he was described as a "man who routinely showed up at opponents' political events with a bullhorn to drown them out, and who once threw a brick through an opposing candidate's windshield."  He seemed to have the same kind of attitude on Tuesday as he was arriving at the courthouse, which he did "with his middle finger raised" as his supporters were "cursing, pushing and shoving reporters."

He had put that finger away, though, by the time he got before the judge, unless he used it to get out his handkerchief.  Callaway reportedly "blinked back tears" and "choked up" as he asked the judge to go easy on him.  "I stand before you today," he told Judge Joseph Rodriguez, "extremely remorseful, with a heavy heart."  It wasn't that clear what he was extremely remorseful about, though, because he said he had only taken the $36,000 in bribes in order to help his constituents, or that's what he implied, anyway: "The reason why I had a good relationship with the informant is because Mr. Jacobs was doing the right thing for the people of Atlantic City," he said.  "He hired local people, he empowered them economically."  (And part of a good relationship is accepting money that your partner wants to give you in exchange for favors.  It's just rude not to.)  "I just wanted to help the people," he continued.  "They are the real victims."

As CNN put it, "Callaway did not explain how pocketing $36,000 in bribes helped the people he represented."  Nor did his attorney, who nonetheless was able to build on his client's statements to make what might now be the leading candidate for legal argument of the year (although it's still early).  At least, he told the judge, his client had not tried to disguise the bribes as campaign contributions, and so should get some credit for not being disingenuous.  That honesty is noble indeed, plus he is remorseful, with a heavy heart.

On the other hand, Judge Rodriguez pointed out, this story of redemption and reform is a little inconsistent with the fact that, while out on bail awaiting sentencing, Callaway had tried to blackmail another councilman after setting him up to be filmed with a prostitute.  At least he did not try to hide the camera, his attorney might have said to that.  He should get some credit for being open about the blackmail.

Unimpressed, Judge Rodriguez sentenced Callaway to 40 months in prison, fined him $1000 and, in a blow to the good government that Atlantic City has obviously been enjoying, barred Callaway from ever again holding public office.

Link: CNN.com

Politician's Website Reaches Out to Klingons

A member of Finland's parliament who is running for re-election is reaching out to Klingons, and Earthlings who love them, by providing a translation of his campaign website into Klingon.

Jyrki Kasvi (his Finnish name, not a translation), a Green Party politician who is described as an "ardent Trekkie," said there were some difficulties with the translation.  Among these were the fact that Klingon, a warrior language, does not have words for wussy liberal concepts such as, for example, "tolerance," which might not be a problem in some cases but is a little dicey for a Green Party candidate.  (Also posing a problem: the lack of any word for "green.")

That tension between liberal and Klingon values may be a continuing problem.  Kasvi's political statement states that he is a "hopeless romantic" devoted to equality, pluralism, and democracy, and says "I strongly trust in love."  As "Brian in Kansas" commented on Kasvi's website, "Dude -- you are entirely too sensitive to be a KLINGON.  Where's the old 'Any day is a good day to die' attitude?  let's go choke a targ for fun!"  Much more sedate, and less hateful to targs, was "Daniel" from Wollongong, Australia:  "I would like to offer you the best wishes in your political aspirations of my friends and I from Wollongong, Australia. We are impressed by your ethical stances on environmental and social issues, and also by the fact that you have translated your website into a alien dialect."  Dude -- you are entirely too humorless to be an Australian.  And don't you guys speak English there?

The last straw, though, for a Klingon, would be Kasvi's concern about "global warming."  Please.  Let the Vulcans make their documentaries.  This prattle is unworthy of a warrior race.

Kasvi clearly has a sense of humor about the whole thing, and says the website has generated a great deal of publicity (his server apparently crashed yesterday, although that could have been a Federation trick), as well as comments both pro and con.  "Some have thought it is blasphemy to mix politics and Klingon," he said.  "Others say it is good if politicians can laugh at themselves."

The site has also been translated into English and Swedish, and of course there is plenty of the original Finnish, which to the untrained eye looks only slightly less freaky than Klingon.

Link:  Reuters via Yahoo! News
Link:  qaSvl' ngoch cherwl'

NY Mayor Bloomberg Reveals Existence of "Batphone" to Senate

Testifying on Tuesday before the Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg told committee members that he has a "very important secure phone" in his kitchen at home for use in case of emergencies.  Specifically, he said (in response to a question about communications issues), "I will say that when I became mayor, I was given a very important secure phone that is in the kitchen of my house, so that if I wanted to talk to the Air National Guard and shoot down a plane, I just press a button."

"A low murmur spread throughout the room," as people tried to figure out whether he was serious.

Bloomberg explained later that the line about him shooting planes down was just a joke (the kind that is hilarious coming from the mayor of a city that has actually been attacked by hijacked planes), but the secure phone, which reporters immediately dubbed "the Batphone," really exists.  Installed in 2002, the phone has an encryption device so that calls to or from other very important secure phones will stay secure.  There is no direct line to the military, and the mayor did not say what it might be used for in an emergency.  In fact, he said, it has never been used in the five years since it was installed -- except by telemarketers. 

"[The Batphone] has never been used," Bloomberg told reporters, "other than to answer an occasional call for -- did I want to subscribe to a ridiculous magazine, buy an insurance policy or some other such particular thing. . . . But it's a regular telephone [apart from the scrambler], so if you don't sign up for the service of, 'Do not call me during mealtimes,' you get lots of calls."  He theorized that the telemarketers who had called him on his very important secure phone had dialed the number at random.

Asked what thoughts go through his mind when the Batphone rings, Bloomberg said, "It's somebody trying to sell insurance.  That's what I think."

He clarified that the secure phone is not red.

Link: New York Times
Link: Reuters via Yahoo! News

Clown's Smile at Half-Staff in Honor of President Ford

This story from December 29 tells the tale of one Harpo T. Clown, of Palm Springs, California, who was noticed sadly paying his respects to one Gerald R. Ford, formerly of Palm Desert, California, and formerly President of the United States.  Clown was more easily noticed because he wore blue and white sequins, a green fuzzy wig, and white floppy shoes for the occasion, which took place at a church in Palm Desert.  (Clown stayed near the barricades outside the church and did not actually attend the service in costume).  He wore a painted-on smile, but was likely crying on the inside.

Clown showed reporters a scrapbook containing pictures of him standing alongside President Ford at charity events and golf tournaments in the area, as well as attending the opening of the Ford Presidential Museum in Grand Rapids in 1982.  Though Clown is mute, he wrote notes to reporters and to police officers who came by to investigate.

According to the report, Clown "nodded vigorously when asked if he was a Republican and when asked if he missed his friend, President Ford."  How the apparent bond between the two men developed in the first place, and how it had lasted some twenty-five years, Clown did not say.

Link: AP via SF Gate.com

UPDATE: Ex-Mayor Pleads Guilty to Buying Votes With Pork Rinds

In another update of a past story, the AP reports that the former mayor of Appalachia, Virginia, pleaded guilty yesterday to a number of felonies relating to an election-rigging scheme in the 2004 election.  Ben Cooper and his co-conspirators were alleged to have intercepted and forged absentee ballots, and to have attempted to buy votes with cigarettes, beer and pork rinds, in order to be put in charge of Appalachia, a town of 2,000. Once elected, the gang allegedly appointed a police chief who stole from residents so that they could all share in the profits.

Actually, these aren't just allegations now because Cooper has pleaded guilty, as I said, to a number of felonies. That number: 243. And the judge made Cooper plead guilty individually to each of the 243 charges. By the time she got to number 11, Cooper was saying "guilty" before the judge had even finished reading the charge.

"You're getting ahead of me," said Judge McElyea. Cooper apologized, and presumably waited for her to finish reading each of the next 232 felony charges.

Seven others have been convicted already.  Cooper will be sentenced January 9 and could get up to 21 months in prison under state guidelines, which apparently impose a sentence of 2.6 days per felony.

Link: AP via FindLaw.com

NFL QB Demands Mom Stop Using Him in Campaign Commercials

On October 20th, Saints quarterback Drew Brees (or his agents, anyway) sent his mom a letter demanding that she cease and desist using his name and likeness in a TV commercial. Mina Brees is running for a spot on the Texas Court of Appeals.

In the commercial, Mina Brees notes that she is the mother of Drew Brees, the sister of former Texas quarterback Marty Akins, and the daughter of longtime high school football coach Ray Akins. She says that the commercial is intended to identify her with her sports-oriented family, which she says taught her the value of preparation and hard work.

They apparently didn't talk much about intellectual-property law around the dinner table, though, or at least that's what CCA Sports and its attorneys implied with their letter. "The unauthorized misappropriation of an individual's indicia (picture, name, etc.) for this current purpose is an infringement of his personal rights, property rights and common law trademark rights," the letter states. Probably a standard form letter that they have to send out to everyone who mentions Drew, but maybe one of our IP readers can clarify whether a trademark can really be diluted just because your mom uses your "indicia."

Mina Brees agreed to stop using the spot. Her media consultants were to have new spots ready on October 30. They will feature a different son, Reid, who is presumably not trademarked.

The incumbent judge, David Puryear, declined to comment, saying that the focus "should be on the qualifications of the candidates." Refreshing, but not really part of the game plan this time of year, as the chairman of the Travis County GOP made clear in a written statement. He called for Brees to withdraw from the race because of her shocking conduct. "Her failure to act appropriately and inform media outlets of her wrongful use of Drew Brees' indicia subjects her to litigation and demonstrates her morally rudderless political opportunism," the statement said.

Well, that's okay, but not great. Let's see if we can punch it up a little bit.  How about something like this:

Until this moment, Ms. Brees, I think I never really gauged your cruelty, or your recklessness. Little did I dream you could be so reckless and so cruel as to do an injury to your own son's indicia. It is, I regret to say, equally true that I fear he shall always bear a scar needlessly inflicted by you. If it were in my power to forgive you for your morally rudderless political opportunism, I would do so. I like to think I'm a gentle man, but your forgiveness will have to come from someone other than me. Let us not assassinate this lad's indicia further, Ms. Brees. You've done enough. Have you no sense of decency, ma'am, at long last? Have you left no sense of decency?

Yeah, that's more like it.

Link: Law.com (reprinted from Texas Lawyer)
Link: "No sense of decency"

Captain of the U.S.A. v. Bush

Here's an "October Surprise" for you. On October 6, Leon Gay, Jr., filed suit against George W. Bush, currently President of the United States, in the federal court for the Northern District of Alabama. It seems that Mr. Gay's investigation has concluded that Mr. Bush is not a particularly good president, and so the former has sued the latter seeking a number of remedies, including having the two men switch places.

This would be a much better deal for Mr. Gay, since the President lives in a mansion at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington, D.C., and Mr. Gay lives in a van across from Wholesale Transmission on Green Springs Road in Birmingham, Alabama.

In his form complaint, the plaintiff, who is appearing pro se, cites Exodus 18 and Deuteronomy 1 as authorizing the lawsuit. Those chapters do both relate in part to the selection of leaders for the people, so there is likely to be a difficult choice-of-law analysis in store for an Alabama federal judge.  The factual basis for the claim is as follows: "9/11 and the loss of life around the World would not have happened if George W. Bush and his Dad had rendered honor where honor was due." A number of other Biblical provisions are then cited in support, but now that I am limiting myself to reading two books of the Bible per day I can't very well follow up on that research.

In a letter that is attached in support of the complaint, Mr. Gay notes that he has been trying to get the Bushes to do the right thing since Operation Desert Shield, when he first sent letters to them describing what they should be doing. He recalls the late Ann Richards' convention speech in which she said of Bush Sr. that he had been "born with a silver foot in his mouth," and notes that Bush later sent Richards a silver foot, which I think was a nice gesture. But Gay has distilled a more important principle from this, I think: "This was the same principal [sic] I used on him," he writes.  "Previously" -- after Desert Storm -- "I had sent him a quart of oil. . . . [Then] Bush was accused of taking candy and milk from Saddamn [sic] Husseins country. So I sent a box of candy to Saddamn Hussein." This doesn't seem to have worked, whatever it was trying to achieve. Saddamn probably just gave the candy to Uday and Qusay anyway.

In addition to switching jobs and living arrangements with the current president, the plaintiff demands the following relief:

• an increase in benefits from the Veterans' Administration;
• a name change from "Leon Gay" to "Captain of the U.S.A.";
• the "necessary licences and permits" to launch a campaign for president, which I guess would make him "President Captain of the U.S.A. of the U.S.A.";
• two more picture IDs;
• unlimited long-distance cell-phone capability;
• a place to live and transportation;
• getting his van fixed (which might solve both problems above);
• all the oil, money, businesses and assets that President Bush now possesses.

Plaintiff notes that as he is a reasonable man, Bush "can keep his Loving supportive wife and kids.  I do not want them.  HA! HA! HA! HA!"  See Complaint Ex. A at p. 5 (HA!s in original).

Plaintiff further challenges the president to "as many debates as it takes until the whole truth comes out" -- which could take a while at this point -- the first debate to take place with plaintiff's van as a backdrop.

Link: Captain of the U.S.A. v. George W. Bush (complaint)

Andy Griffith Running for Sheriff in Wisconsin

In what seems like an unfair move -- how could you not vote for "Andy Griffith" to be your sheriff? -- a music store owner in Grant County, Wisconsin, changed his name from "William Fenrick" to "Andy Griffith" upon entering the race as an independent.  He is running against incumbent "Keith Govier" and Democratic challenger "Doug Vesperman," each of whom has over a decade of experience but are stuck with boring, non-famous names that probably leave them with no chance at all against the pseudo-Griffithian juggernaut.

Griffith, 42, said his goal was to draw attention to a race that would otherwise get little of it.  "Nobody knows who's running or what the issues are, if there are any issues, or how the people differ," Griffith said.  I note that the AP report did not say what the issues are, if there are any issues, or how the people differ, but at least we do now know who's running for sheriff in Grant County, Wisconsin.

New Griffith may or may not be aware that the fictional sheriff of Mayberry, R.F.D., was actually named "Andy Taylor," although of course the show was called "The Andy Griffith Show" after the star.  I was hoping there would be another layer here resulting from "Andy Griffith" being a pseudonym in the first place, but that appears to have been his real name -- "Andy Samuel Griffith."  I guess it was a simpler time.

Link: AP via My Way News
Link: Wikipedia article on Andy Griffith

Candidate Begs Voters to Pick His Opponent

Paul Herold is a candidate for a city council seat in Blaine, Minnesota, but he wishes he wasn't.  Herold signed up to run in the primary election, but before the election took place he got a new job that he believes would not leave him enough time to serve.  (It is possible that it also pays better, but that is only my speculation.)

Unfortunately, Herold missed the deadline for getting his name off the ballot, so he had no choice but to run against himself.  He wrote letters to the editor opposing himself, and offered to drive voters to the polls as long as they voted for somebody else.  "I tried my best not to get any votes," he said, but he failed to not get any so badly that he won, and will now be facing off against the incumbent in November for a job that he doesn't want.  "Unfortunately," said the city clerk, "once he's on the ballot, there's nothing we can do."

That may not be strictly true, given that Herold has brought up two other possible exceptions that he says would get him off the ballot, saying: "A. I'd have to die; B. I'd have to move out of the district."  Not having the guts to do either, however, Herold is now again following the failed strategy of asking people to vote for his opponent.  There is another option -- refusing to serve if elected -- but Herold says he won't do that because that would force an expensive special election to fill the empty seat.

I say, vote Herold in November.  You'll get somebody who is so energetic that he will furiously campaign against himself in order to lose an election he doesn't want to win, so charismatic that he will win anyway, so noble that he will agree to serve, and so busy that he won't be able to show up and do any damage.

Link: AP via My Way News

Congressman Steps Down After Questionable E-Mails

Representative Mark Foley resigned from Congress today after questions were raised about e-mails he sent to a 16-year-old former congressional page.  Excerpts of the e-mails were published by ABC News and then were posted on a Washington ethics group's website, after the boy contacted officials.

According to those reports, Foley first referred in the e-mails to another page that both he and the boy apparently knew, saying "he's such a nice guy ... acts much older than his age...and hes in really great shape...i am just finished riding my bike on a 25 mile journey now heading to the gym...whats school like for you this year?"  In other e-mails, Foley wrote, "I am back in Florida now...its nice here...been raining today...it sounds like you will have some fun over the next few weeks...how old are you now?" and "how are you weathering the hurricane...are you safe...send me an email pic of you as well."

As you can see, these shocking emails display serious inconsistencies in capitalization, punctuation, and even sentence structure.  Foley, who is 52 and so should know better, showed a severe lack of judgment especially in the use of apostrophes and ellipses.  The congressman's aides initially said there was nothing inappropriate about the exchanges, but were forced to withdraw that claim after the extent of Foley's degraded syntax became clear.

In a statement issued today, Foley said "I am deeply sorry and I apologize for letting down my family and the people of Florida I have had the privilege to represent."  The statement showed that Foley regretted his previous capitalization errors but had learned little about punctuation or the avoidance of run-on sentences.  In Washington, House Speaker Dennis Hastert made a statement saying that Foley had "done the right thing" by resigning.  Hastert also said he had asked for an investigation, stating that "[w]e want to make sure that all our pages are safe" from these kinds of grammatical offenses.  Asked if he found the matter "disturbing," Hastert said, "None of us are very happy about it."

He did not clarify the antecedent of the pronoun "us."

Link: New York Times

Arizona May Pay One Lucky Voter $1 Million

Further confirming what a great thing the initiative process is, an Arizona proposal that would enter everyone who actually votes into the drawing for a $1 million prize has qualified for the November ballot.

Tired of seeing extremely low turnouts (especially in the year in which he ran for governor), Mark Osterloh has collected 185,902 signatures of registered voters, 50 percent more than necessary to get the proposal on the ballot.  The secretary of state has certified it.  Osterloh, who has a law degree but was described by the Times as a "semiretired ophthalmologist" and "political gadfly," says that the lotto will provide an incentive to get people to the polls, and that if it works in Arizona it could be extended to other states as well.

Many have criticized the idea as "commercializing" the electoral process and in fact it's probably illegal.  State and federal laws prohibit making or offering any expenditure to any person "to vote or withhold his vote, or to vote for or against any candidate," as well as receiving any such expenditure.  Supporters say that offering an opt-in lottery with a chance to win is not the same as buying a vote.  Spoilsport Jack Chin, a law professor at the University of Arizona, calls the initiative "cute and clever," but also "clearly illegal."

The Times calculated that, assuming turnout similar to that in the 2004 election, the odds of winning would be less than winning the existing lottery but greater than being killed by lightning.  So that's good to know.

Link: New York Times

Rejected Democrat Has Choice Words for Party Leaders

In May, the Democratic Party chose not to nominate anyone to run against GOP Rep. Eric Cantor for his