Lowering the Bar

Man Who Attacked Founder of Jedi Church Gets Suspended Sentence

After a hearing on May 14, 27-year-old Arwel Hughes was sentenced to two months in jail (suspended), a light punishment for one who turned to the Dark Side.  Hughes was arrested in March after he assaulted Barney and Michael Jones, two cousins who founded a chapter of the Jedi Church in Wales last year.

According to the article, in the 2001 UK census nearly 400,000 people listed "Jedi" as their religion.

Prosecutors told the Holyhead Magistrates' Court that Hughes, who is not a church member, attacked the two men in their front yard while they were engaged in a "light saber battle."  Hughes, who was wielding a metal crutch and wearing a trash bag as a cape, hit one Jedi on the head and the other in the leg.  He shouted "Darth Vader!" as he attacked.

In court on May 13, Hughes said he could not remember the incident because he was drunk at the time.  According to the report, Hughes had "drunk the better part of a 2 1/2 gallon (10-liter) box of wine beforehand."  That seems doubtful; the average yearly consumption of wine in Britain (for 2005) was about 27 liters -- maybe they try harder in Wales, but still I think that much wine "beforehand" might have been fatal.  Dangerous it is to drink so much until finished your Jedi training you have.

Drunk and stupid is not a defense, at least in this country, but Hughes' lawyer ran with it.  "[My client] knows his behavior was wrong and didn't want it to happen," she told the court, "but he has no recollection of it."  (Apparently he blacked out just after realizing something was about to happen that he would regret later.)  Luckily for Darth Hughes, no one was seriously injured, so he got away with a suspended sentence and about $500 in fines.

Link: CBS News

Laptop Miraculously Disappears During Prayer Session

Authorities in Fort Smith, Arkansas, said yesterday that they had arrested Carl Hagy and were charging him with misdemeanor theft after an incident at a local church.  According to the report, Pastor Fidelis Obidike of Destiny Global Ministries was familiar with Mr. Hagy, either because he was a church member or simply because he had sold a laptop to the church about two weeks ago.  So he was more than willing to sit down and pray with Hagy when he came to church last Friday asking for solace.

Obidike told police that when he opened his eyes, both Hagy and the laptop had vanished.

Investigators later found that Hagy had pawned the laptop and they used the shop's records to track him down.  Hagy found himself miraculously transported to the Sebastian County Adult Detention Center, where, by the grace of God, he was somehow able to post bail.

Link:  Southwest Times Record
Link:  CBS News

God Responds to Nebraskan's Lawsuit

As previously reported, Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers filed a lawsuit against God last week, claiming (to make a point about frivolous lawsuits) that the deity was responsible for a great deal of suffering, and asking for a permanent injunction to prevent further mischief.  On Friday, God responded.

More specifically, a special appearance was filed on behalf of God to contest jurisdiction, noting that God had not been properly served with the complaint.  (He must have read about it on the Internet.)  The pleading turns out to have been filed by Eric Perkins (who practices, appropriately enough, in Corpus Christi).  While it is based on the alleged lack of jurisdiction, it also takes the opportunity to deny the allegation that God has caused extensive injury to mankind.  According to Perkins, his Client "contends that any harm or injury suffered is a direct and proximate result of mankind ignoring obvious warnings."  (Mr. Perkins clearly has never practiced in California if he thinks "mankind ignoring obvious warnings" is a valid defense to liability.)

Perkins said that he "hopes" the lawsuit was just a stunt, but appeared to be worried that "maybe [Chambers'] timing has something to do with world affairs."  If the lawsuit against God was a sign of the End Times, Perkins said, "I'd hate to be that person who sat back and did nothing."

Blessed is he that readeth the prophecy, and keeps those things which are written therein: for the time is at hand.

I heard in my office a great voice, as of a trumpet,

Saying, what thou seest, write upon thy legal pad, or type it, and send it unto the District Court of Douglas County, Nebraska.

And I turned to see a throne of fire, and in the right hand of him that sat upon the throne a pleading, sealed with seven seals.

And I heard a strong angel proclaim, Who is worthy to serve the pleading, and to loose the seals thereof?

And I wept much, for no man was found worthy to serve the pleading by hand.

So I faxed it.

As it turns out, though, Perkins' response was not the only one filed on behalf of God last week.  The clerk of the Douglas County Court said that another response, this one listing the Archangel Michael as a witness, "appeared" on the counter at the clerk's office Friday.  If God does have more than one attorney, it should be interesting to see the fight over who gets to be lead counsel.

Link:  AP via Yahoo! News
Link:  Book of Revelation (King James Version)

New Rules Will Require Chinese Buddhists to Apply for Reincarnation

Over the weekend, China's state-run media outlets reported that new rules taking effect this fall will require Tibetan Buddhists to get government permission to be reincarnated.  According to the Xinhua news agency ("Xinhua" is Mandarin for "If I don't read this, I will be shot"), the new rules are "an important move to institutionalize the management of reincarnation of living Buddhas."

That rumbling sound is George Orwell spinning in his grave, preparing to tunnel to Beijing in order to go all "Resident Evil" on the Chinese Politburo.  (With any luck, zombie George Orwell will have a few more stops to make after that.)

The new rules will require "reincarnation applications" to be filed with and approved by state religious-affairs officials.  These rules apparently apply at least to those claiming to be "living Buddhas," influential religious figures who are believed to be continuously reincarnated in order to fill the same position over and over again, sort of like the members of the committee that runs your law firm.  I assume the Dalai Lama is the most prominent of these, although the report discussed only the Panchen Lama, the #2 Lama in Tibetan Buddhism.

The Panchen Lama seems to have most recently shown up in the early 1990s, in the form of a six-year-old boy, but was quickly arrested by the Chinese government, which seems awfully unfair given that there was no application requirement at the time.  The government then "found" its own Panchen Lama, who according to the report has been "paraded around" in recent years to promote Chinese rule over Tibet.  As this suggests, there are sometimes competing "candidates" claiming to be the reincarnation of a particular person, and the government is trying to set itself up as the official reincarnation authority.

The new rules take effect on September 1.  Those planning to be reincarnated as living Buddhas in the near future are advised to complete that process as quickly as possible.

Link: AFP via Yahoo! News

Georgia Court Rules Against Mom, in Favor of Harry Potter and Satan

Earlier this week, a judge in Gwinnett County, Georgia, chose to side with the forces of darkness by dismissing a lawsuit intended to protect schoolchildren from the witchcraft-inducing Harry Potter books.  This ends, for now, a two-year quest by suburban mom Laura Mallory to have the series removed from county schools.

Mallory told the court Tuesday that she has testimony from children who have read the books and have thought about using magic and acting out spells described there.  The school board's position is that the books help encourage children to read and think creatively, which is just what you would expect the Devil to say.  Mallory was not fooled.  "They don't want the Easter Bunny's power," she said of today's children.  "[They] want Harry's power, and they're getting it."  I guess the Easter Bunny has placed its mighty colored-egg-hiding power in the service of good, and that's reassuring, but apparently kids today are more interested in being able to fly and whatnot.

The only legal argument mentioned in the article was Mallory's position that, because witchcraft is a religion to some people, the Potter books should be banned because reading them in school thus violates the constitutional separation of church and state.  Ah!  Clever, but on a collision course with Mallory's other position: "I have a dream that God will be welcomed back in our schools again [once this other religion is kicked out]."  This slight inconsistency was ferreted out by the court, causing Mallory to lose and to tell reporters that, as the article put it, "it may be time to rethink her arguments with the help of an attorney," which she did not have.  "I maybe need a whole new case from the ground up," she told reporters.  Well, it's never too late to get one, except on appeal.

For much more info than you would ever want about how Harry Potter is of the Devil, you could go to the "Harry Potter is of the Devil" webpage.  Or (and this is probably safer) you can just imagine what that page is like based on the fact that, in addition to dozens of anti-Potter articles, it also warns against Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Casper, the UN, Pocahontas, Peter Jennings, the Pope, the Lion King, Bill Clinton, Pokemon, South Park, and somehow even "Touched by an Angel" and Christianity Today,  all of which appear to be joined in a vast Satanic conspiracy.

I always suspected Peter Jennings of being the Antichrist, but then I found out he was just Canadian.

The same types of charges have been leveled at the Potter books around the world, including in Russia, where the Moscow City Prosecutor's office declined to press charges against the publisher of a Russian-language version in 2002.  But Harry Potter has survived worse than that in Russia, including the far more serious charge that the character of Dobby the House Elf is "insulting to the head of state" because he looks too much like Vladimir Putin:

These conspiracies go far deeper than I ever imagined.

Link: Pensacola News Journal.com
Link: American Library Association (on the Russian case)

Indiana Bank Refuses to Accept Check Signed by Deity

Police in Hobart, Indiana, said Monday they had arrested Kevin Russell after he went to a local bank and tried to cash a $50,000 check that was signed "King Savior, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Servant."  Even with all four of these distinguished signatures, Chase Bank refused to accept the check.

The check was written on an invalid Bank One check with no imprint, according to police, who were called after a not-necessarily-very-alert teller noticed the problems with the check.  Russell struggled with police and threatened them as he was being taken to jail.  Police said that Russell was carrying several other checks with him, all signed the same way but made out in different amounts.  One of the checks was for $100,000.  I guess if he had actually succeeded with the $50K check, he would then have "remembered" the other checks he happened to have with him.

Russell was charged with attempted check fraud, intimidation, and resisting arrest.  Said Detective Jeff White, "I've heard about God giving out eternal life, but this is the first time I've heard of him giving out cash."  Somebody hasn't been watching enough televangelism, O ye of little faith.

While Detective White and the AP headline writers both referred to the check as allegedly written by "God," it is more likely to have been from Jesus, who is specifically referred to as "King of Kings" and "Lord of Lords" in the Book of Revelations (17:14, 19:16) among other places.  The fact that the word "Savior" is also used lends some support to this hypothesis.  But I hasten to add that I am not an expert in this particular field, so it is possible that these phrases are also used to refer to God.  And as I understand it, they have a joint account anyway, so it really wouldn't matter.

Link: Yahoo! News

Insurance Company Cancels Christ Insurance

Britishinsurance.com said it has canceled the policy it had provided to three sisters in Scotland who have been paying since 2000 for coverage in the event one of them immaculately conceives Jesus Christ when he shows up for his second world tour.  The policy, which cost one hundred pounds a year, would have paid out one million pounds had coverage been triggered.

A spokesman for the company said the policy put the burden of proof on the insured to show that any alleged infant was in fact the baby Jesus.

According to the company, the women, who were not identified but were believed to be members of a Christian group (which really is not too much of a stretch) in Inverness, "were concerned about having sufficient funds if they immaculately conceived.  It was for caring and bringing up the Christ."  The company said it was canceling the policy due to protests from the Catholic Church.  The Church declined comment.

"We sometimes get weird requests," the spokesman said, "and this is the weirdest we have had."

Link: BBC News

Arkansas Chicken Man Plagued by Attacks

Police in Searcy, Arkansas, have no leads in repeated attacks against Steven Turnage, who wears a chicken suit on local city streets to promote a fast-food restaurant.  During his two weeks on the job, Turnage says he has endured not only the ordeal of wearing a chicken suit in 105-degree heat, but also assaults by local residents.  He did not report the initial attacks, which involved the throwing of Skoal cans and various frozen drinks.  But Turnage called police after a salvo of bottle rockets were fired at him, one setting fire to part of the suit and another hitting him in the eye.  (It was unclear from the report whether the chicken eye or the underlying human eye had been struck or the percentage of the chicken suit that was destroyed in the blaze.)

"People don't take this costume seriously," said Turnage, who apparently wants to be taken seriously while dressed as a six-foot chicken standing around in 105-degree heat in small-town Arkansas, hoping to encourage passersby to eat what he is dressed as.  "It's getting to the point where this is really a dangerous situation," he complained.  "They need to understand that there's a human underneath that suit."  Well, this is Arkansas we're talking about, but still I think they do understand that there's a human in the suit, Steve.  That's why you're having this problem.  If they really thought you were a six-foot chicken they'd have eaten you by now, although they may still be out hunting for a six-foot skillet.

Either because the attacks are sudden hit-and-run affairs or because nobody gives a crap, police have yet to make any arrests or issue any citations in the matter.  "Obviously it is against city ordinance to shoot fireworks inside the city limits," said a police spokeswoman, implicitly approving the Skoal and frozen-drink attacks.  Police did not appear to have any leads or to be trying to get any.

"It's challenging," Turnage said of his chicken-consumer-attraction job.  "You've got to be very dedicated and have a high tolerance for heat.  You almost have to have a calling from the Lord to do this type of work."

Have faith, Steven.  Like you, Job was also troubled by "[t]he fire of God [] fallen from heaven," that "burned up the sheep and the servants" (Job 1:16), and did he not also complain that "archers compass me round about" (Job 16:13), and of his "disfigured garment" (Job 30:18), and did he not also complain of his persecution for a bunch more verses, like unto a whiny baby, until the Lord showed up?  (Job 38:1, et seq.)  And was that not extremely awkward for a while there?  Yet when Job said the right thing, the Lord blessed him, and he wound up with about 20,000 sheep and camels, and a thousand she-asses, at least according to this translation, and long were the days of his happiness.  (Job 42:1-17.)  So hang in there.

Link: AP via SFGate.com

Lowering the Bar Cited as International Precedent

As many of you know, I have long had two primary goals for this enterprise:

1. to provide some entertainment for myself and other attorneys (and friends of attorneys) slogging away at their various billing stations, and
2. to be cited as authority in a brief filed with the Supreme Court of the Philippines.

Today I can at least be sure that one of those goals has been met.

I mentioned in the "Lowering the Bar" presentation I did two weeks ago that I had heard from Judge Florentino Floro, who I had written about twice before.  You may recall that Judge Floro was dismissed (or "separated") from the bench in Malabon City, a suburb north of Manila, after questions arose about his practices of starting court days with a reading from the Book of Revelations, conducting faith-healing sessions in chambers, and consulting three "mystic dwarves" named Luis, Armand and Angel for advice and predictions of future events.  As Judge Floro was a judge, that seemed to fall within the scope of this project and I did mention him a couple of times.

Judge Floro emailed me (and a number of others who had written about him) a couple of weeks ago, primarily to thank everyone for writing about his case.  He noted that he was appealing his case, forwarded us some pleadings, and was kind enough to answer a few questions.  Here's an (edited) summary of the answers:

LoTB: First, what is the difference between a separation and a dismissal?  Is it possible you could be reinstated?  If so, would you want to be a judge again?  Was it fun to be a judge?

JF:  Dismissal, under our laws, carries with it perpetual disqualification & DISBARMENT. . . . I believe that the laws are in my favor. But, I cannot tell you what will be their votes. . . . I would want to be a judge [again]. It is not fun, since I am honest. I had to wake up 6 am and sleep at 9pm and week ends I pen decisions; it is nightmare. But, my neighbor judges, they come to court, 10 am, deal only with juicy cases and they put in the backburner the not juicy ones; they play golf, 1 pm. This is not an exaggeration, since their staff and fixers do all the jobs.

LoTB: Second, why did the press say that Luis, Armand and Angel were “dwarves”?  Was this a mistranslation of “dwende,” the mischievious spirits believed to reside in anthills (also translated “gnomes”)?  Are they truly of small stature?  Did they help you with your opinions, and if so, do they have any legal training?

JF:  Answer: The names of my spirit guides are Luis, Armand and Angel; they are not the ordinary dwarves, gnomes, leprechauns, vulcans, . . . Luis is the King of Kings of elementals, an angel of God; if you are a Christian, you can read this in genesis,etc. and you can click angels in encyclopedia.com or wikkipedia,etc. . . In Ireland - a Catholic country - they can see dwarfs, but only the ordinary kind. LUIS IS THE KING OF ALL KINGS OF THESE. Usually, they are of small stature, but they only appear to me in the form of lights. TRUTH: I never used the word “DWARVES” in any DECISION, and I never consulted any imaginary dwarf to pen my decisions.  LUIS is highly educated.

LoTB: Third, you stated that you were the fifth-best psychic in the Philippines.  Who do you think are the top four, and do any of them practice law?

JF:  I stated in 1998 that I believe our President Ferdinand Marcos is # 1. . . I specifically have the following gifts: cross of the tongue, lightning teeth, my eyes emit spiritual fires, and my hands emit extreme heat that heals the poorest of the poor (with heat-processed coconut oil). All of us are psychics to a degree but very few can bend spoons. I was gifted with healing, bilocation, exorcism,etc. I graduated 2nd full honors and placed 12th in our 1983 Bar Exams, 87.55% (our Bar exam is the toughest, since many aspirants here who failed 3 x could easily pass your Bar in California, please do not be offended).

LoTB: Fourth, I am very interested to know what verse or verses of the Bible you selected to begin each court day.  One report stated that at least on some days these verses were from the Book of Revelations.  Is that true, and what are your favorite verses from that Book?

JF: In 1998, when I assumed office . . . I asked them to read the Book of revelations, because it is the hardest book but there it is, ALL. My favorite verses of the Bible are ECCLESIASTES, there the philosophy of life’s uselessness and injustice but God will judge everything done in secret. Also, the psalms, on curses on God’s punishment versus evil.

LoTB: Have you seen “The Omen”?  The first one, of course, not the remake.  Do you know (or can you find out) why those in Hollywood would not recognize an original idea these days if Pughe, King of the Dwendes, brought them one on a silver platter?

JF:  I am sorry, I do not see movies, since I concentrate on horse racing, this is my life since 1972, 3 times I tried to be a jockey, but I ended up to be a lawyer. I think I had seen the original one, many years ago, I cant remember. Contrary to the Decision and Reports, I am a horse athlete, ordinary poor man who just rents a house, and I have no car. I live a very simple and financially poor life . . . . I want to buy a horse and to ride, its great fun.  Sincerely, Judge Floro.

Judge Floro and I have corresponded a few times now and he seems to be a very pleasant man who is certainly convinced of the justice of his cause.  (Judge Floro, please let me know if I've misstated anything in this report.)  With his permission, I did talk about him and his case at the presentation a couple of weeks ago.  I think it is fair to say that people were quite interested in the matter, although there is probably not much we can do from halfway around the world.

Or at least that's what I thought.  In a third supplemental pleading that Judge Floro forwarded me last night, I was a little surprised, but proud, to see that he had cited me as one of a number of worldwide authorities on his case.  The pleading starts by reprinting most of an article on the case by Justice William Bedsworth, an associate justice in California's 4th District Court of Appeals, who has his own blog and who frequently publishes articles in the legal papers here as well.  Judge Floro also cites (among others) another California attorney, Lester Hardy; David Pannick, a British attorney; Ken Blanchard, a management and business writer (The One Minute Manager); a French blogger; and Che Vaughn, a tarot reader and clairvoyant who shares her home with "a couple of spirits, some shadow people, some black blobs, one homunculus and a cat."

Also, Lowering the Bar, which gets about two of the thirty pages.  The posts are accurately quoted, I'm pretty sure, and the biographical information on me (from our firm's website) looks right too -- I have to admit, though, that Judge Floro embellished a bit by describing me as a "celebrated" San Francisco lawyer.  My dog is generally excited to see me, but that's about the only celebration I generate.

Judge Floro is asking for reinstatement and about four years' worth of back wages.  As best I can tell from the pleadings, his argument is more or less that he should not have been separated from the bench just because of his beliefs, so long as he served his country and Malabon City in a fair and honorable manner.  That's a fair point -- who would you rather have as a judge: somebody who takes bribes; or an honest guy who happens to have lightning teeth and well-educated spirit friends but can pass the hardest bar exam in the world?  I know my answer.

I have to say though, Judge Floro, I don't know that citing the world's blog posts will add anything to to the heartfelt and very, very lengthy briefing you've already presented to the court.  And you should always be careful when using sarcasm in pleadings, especially somebody else's.  Also, I think a lot of practicing lawyers would suggest that there is life outside the law, and so maybe this is a good time to follow your dream of being more involved with the horses or the world of horse racing.  Having said that, I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do.

Judge Floro's Third Supplemental Brief (filed June 30, 2006) in Microsoft Word format
Justice Bedsworth's Blog -- A Criminal Waste of Space

Man Accidentally Divorces Wife While Asleep

Divorces are much cleaner and easier under Islamic law than in the West.  If you are a man, of course.  Under Islamic law, a man only has to say the phrase "I divorce you" three times (within a relatively short period of time, I guess) and he is automatically divorced.  Even this is construed pretty generously (in favor of men, that is) -- a couple of years ago there was a story about a man in Dubai who had successfully divorced his wife by text message (or three text messages, anyway).

A group of village elders in India, though, are probably taking this a bit too far.  They have ordered a man to leave his wife, even though neither one of them wants to be divorced, on the grounds that he said "talaq," the Urdu word for "divorce," three times in his sleep.

His wife, worried about the effect of this under the law, made the always-wise decision to talk about the secret with her friends.  The elders found out and declared that, unconscious or not, the words meant divorce.  The couple insists they want to stay together.  "I have not given talaq," the husband said.  "When I uttered talaq three times [stop admitting it!] I had taken medicines to help me sleep."  But the elders not only would not budge on the divorce, they also ruled that the couple could not get "remarried" unless they lived apart for at least 100 days and the wife married another man, spent the night with him and then was divorced by that man.  (The second divorce, at least, should not be a big deal.)

Newspapers reported that the couple has been ostracized because they refuse to abide by the elders' decision.

Link: Associated Press

The Savior Has No Comment At This Time

A West Virginia man is continuing his battle to be recognized as Jesus Christ, after a recent partial victory in the D.C. Court of Appeals.  Although his Florida birth certificate bears his pre-Christian name, "Peter Robert Phillips Jr.," he does have a passport, Social Security card and D.C. driver's license in the name of Christ.

West Virginia is refusing to recognize Christ, however, saying he cannot prove that he legally bears that name.  A D.C. Superior Court judge previously refused to allow him to change it, saying that having such a name might provoke violence or offend people.  (It would also attract lepers, but that does not appear to have been a basis for the ruling.)  Christ's attorney argued that his client had been using the name for over 15 years without incident, and the Court of Appeals recently reversed on various grounds, ordering another hearing in the matter.

The AP, however, was unable to reach the Savior for comment.  A spokesperson stated that "Christ is not speaking to the press at this time."

HoustonChronicle.com