Lowering the Bar

Everything's Bigger in Texas -- Including Bad Checks

Saying he was planning to start a record company, Charles Fuller tried to cash a large check at a bank in Fort Worth last week.  Problems with this story included:

1. One does not normally start record companies using cash; and
2. The amount of cash he asked for would have been difficult to carry; because
3. He was trying to cash a check for 360 billion dollars.

According to the U.S. Bureau of Printing and Engraving, the agency that produced all the currency Mr. Fuller didn't get, every note weighs about one gram.  There are 454 grams to a pound, so assuming the bank had been able to cash the check and that Fuller had asked for $100 bills, he would have been instantly crushed under nearly 8 million pounds of money.

Luckily for him, this didn't happen.  Sharp-eyed bank employees, possibly noticing the ten zeros on the personal check Fuller presented, contacted the account's owner just to see if there was anything wrong.  "Hi, this is the bank calling.  Say, did you by chance write anyone a check for a third of a trillion dollars recently?  No?  Okay, thank you for your time.  No, no problem with your account.  Just asking."

Fuller, who in a quest for extra bonus points had taken the check from his girlfriend's mother, was arrested for forgery.

Link: CBS News

UPDATE: "Duct Tape Bandit" Pleads Guilty

The improbably named "Kasey G. Kazee," better known to history as the "Duct Tape Bandit," pleaded guilty on April 29 to robbing a Kentucky liquor store.  The robbery failed despite the fact that Kazee had carefully prepared for the robbery by wrapping his head in duct tape.  Kazee, who was unarmed, was quickly subdued by store employees.

The penalty for second-degree robbery can be as much as 10 years, but if I were the judge I would say that Kazee paid his debt to society when they yanked off his disguise.

Link: Yahoo! News

Escaped Prisoner Mocks Police, Insists They Recapture Him

A 31-year-old Estonian thief who escaped from a Finnish prison on February 29 was "recaptured" a week later, but only after going to some trouble to arrange it.  It's not entirely clear whether Martin Vaiksaar had decided he wanted to go back to jail, or was just disgusted with the state of law enforcement in his native country, to which he had fled.

Vaiksaar's escape was somewhat embarrassing to the Finns, since he broke out of a brand-new prison by tying bedsheets together, somehow scaling three successive 23-foot walls, and then walking twelve miles to a ferry terminal where he bought a ticket back to Estonia.  (Reportedly, the prison's staff did not notice he was missing for a full day.)  Then the Estonian authorities took over not catching him.  Vaiksaar spent a week at his girlfriend's house before being recaptured, and even then it was only because he basically insisted that the police do their job.

On March 6, Estonian police said that they had apprehended Vaiksaar through "specific police work."   (They would not be more specific.)  But then a TV station aired previously taped footage that told the real story.

Recorded while Vaiksaar was still a fugitive, the footage showed Vaiksaar meeting with the TV crew at a restaurant, and wondering aloud why nobody had looked for him at his girlfriend's house.  "If you look where prisoners go when they escape, most of them go home," he pointed out.  Eventually, Vaiksaar asked the crew to drive him to a police station so he could tell them he "had found a lost wallet."  He walked in and later walked right back out again, still unarrested.  "I even told them my name," he told the crew, "but they showed no interest in me."  Apparently disappointed by this, Vaiksaar was finally arrested later that day after he began stopping people on the street and complaining that nobody was interested in arresting him even though he was the area's "most-wanted" fugitive.

Those planning to become fugitives take note: Scandinavia seems to be the place for it.  Based on this story, prison is largely optional there.

Link: AFP via Yahoo! News

A Doughnut Drama in Three Acts

Act One.
A small town in Oregon.  Two men in "cowboy garb," Adam and Vincent, are eating doughnuts.  Enter two sheriff's deputies.

DEPUTY ONE:   A burglary has been reported.
DEPUTY TWO:  Yes, we must hurry to the scene of it.
VINCENT:         Doughnuts, officers?
Adam smirks, but says nothing.
DEPUTY ONE:   No thank you, cowboy.  We are on official police business.
VINCENT:         Suit yourself.

Act Two.
The burgled store.

DEPUTY ONE:   Shopkeeper, what has been stolen?
SHOPKEEPER:   A number of items, including, but not limited to,
                     cigarettes, candy, chewing gum, and doughnuts.
DEPUTY ONE:   Doughnuts, you say?
SHOPKEEPER:   Yes, doughnuts are among the items that were stolen.
                      Please, inspect my shop for clues.
DEPUTY ONE:   I observe here on the floor the prints of cowboy boots.
SHOPKEEPER:   I fear this crime may never be solved.
DEPUTY ONE:   There is hope, for a reason of which you are unaware.
DEPUTY TWO:  I did not appear in this scene.

Act Three.
A courtroom.

DISTRICT ATTORNEY:   The officers then put two and two together.
DEFENSE ATTORNEY:    My client, Your Honor, is unintelligent and was easily led.
ADAM:                         Also, I had been drinking whiskey.
DEFENSE ATTORNEY:    No, you are unintelligent and easily led.
JUDGE:                       You are also convicted.

Exeunt omnes.

Link: AP via FindLaw.com

Police Say Shooting Designed to "Get Some Time Off Work"

Most of us have "called in sick" at one point or another, when we probably could have dragged ourselves into the office but had other priorities.  But who among us has been as creative, determined, and stupid as Daniel Kuch, of Pasco, Washington?  None among us, that's who.

Kuch was shot in the shoulder last Thursday, and initially told police he had been the victim of a drive-by while he was out jogging.  It seems that the investigation circled back around to Kuch fairly quickly, and detectives said Kuch eventually admitted that he had asked his good friend Kurtis Johnson to shoot him so that Kuch could "get some time off work."  Friends don't let friends shoot themselves, I guess.

Reportedly, and unsurprisingly, Kuch also hoped to avoid an upcoming drug test during his bullet-induced vacation.

The shooter was arrested for investigation of possible reckless-endangerment charges, which I guess raises the question whether you can be prosecuted for recklessly endangering somebody who asked you to endanger them.  I'm not sure who is going to press charges.  The shootee, meanwhile, was also arrested and was expected to face charges of false reporting.

He has, however, successfully gotten at least some time off.  According to the report, detectives "declined to say where Kuch works, or whether he still has a job," but he probably doesn't.  "It wasn't known if he had obtained a lawyer," but he probably should.

Link: CBS News

What Not to Use as a Disguise, #3: Drywall Compound

I think we have enough failed-disguise posts now to consider starting a new category, or at least a sub-category of The Criminal Mind.  This does not quite rise to the level of What Not to Use as a Disguise #1 (tree branches) and #2 (duct tape), but it makes the list.

Robert Lavery was convicted last week of robbing the New Cumberland (Pennsylvania) Federal Credit Union in 2006, along with compadre Robert Miller.  Robert L. robbed the bank while Robert M. waited in the getaway car.  Unfortunately for the Roberts, each of them was distinctive in a way that made them fairly easy to identify.

For Lavery, this was because he chose drywall compound as a disguise, apparently smearing it all over his face.  According to the article, this was a problem because when police found the two they also found clothing with drywall compound smeared on it, and more drywall compound in the passenger side of the car.

It might also have been a problem because it would seem to me that this "disguise" wouldn't obscure your facial features, just turn them a different color, but the article didn't mention this issue.  I suppose it's possible that Lavery used several inches of the stuff on his face, or encased his head in a block of it.  That would have solved the identity problem but made it pretty difficult to carry out the robbery, so it seems unlikely.

If Lavery could not be identified, and the only evidence was the presence of drywall compound in the car, that would have been circumstantial evidence of guilt but not damning.  They might have only been guilty of home improvement.  But Miller was also identified by witnesses who were familiar with his car, and in particular the NASCAR vanity license plate on the front, which Miller had failed to remove.  That led police to Miller, who confessed.

Link: AP via FindLaw.com

Good Reason to Kill [or Wound], #58

Because your friend changed the channel.

According to police in Seattle, two women in their 60s were watching TV last Thursday morning, but began arguing after one of them changed the channel to a religious program.  Such arguments are common; settling them via stabbing is less common.  Police spokesperson Renee Witt said that the woman offended by the channel-change grabbed a six-inch kitchen knife and stabbed the channel-changer.  The wounded woman was rushed to a local hospital with serious injuries.

Witt said the nature of the TV dispute was not yet clear.  "I don't know what they were originally watching," she said, "but it must have been something really good."

Link: Seattle Post-Intelligencer

Police Led to Car Wash Robber by Trail of Quarters

Not literally, but close.  Please be aware that if you steal over 5,000 quarters from a car wash, paying for lots of stuff with quarters over the next few days is not a great idea.

Scott Schmitz of Fond du Lac, Wisconsin, is accused of breaking into the car wash where he formerly worked and stealing 5,619 quarters (worth $1404.75, and weighing 71 pounds) and another $1000 in bills.  The owner suspected it was an inside job because the theft was committed just after the cash machines had been restocked.  Schmitz's name in particular came up as someone who was unhappy with the owner and had openly talked about getting back at him.

Having thus set the stage for being apprehended, Schmitz then continued to perform.  During the week after the burglary, the unemployed Schmitz reportedly "bought a car, and was seen purchasing items using only quarters."  (I admit I had hoped that he tried to buy the car with quarters, but that sentence suggests he didn't.)  The police also found it suspicious that "Schmitz told a woman the night of the burglary that he did not have enough money to purchase drugs but called her the next day saying he now had cash to buy cocaine."  (That must have been where at least some of the bills went, unless coke dealers take quarters.)  Police also found about 400 quarters and a broken lock -- presumably from the car wash, although the report doesn't say -- in Schmitz's house and car.

I guess most of this is circumstantial evidence, but unless Schmitz has a really good non-criminal explanation for all those quarters, taken together it might be enough to seal the deal.

Link: Fond du Lac Reporter

Accused Stapler Bandit Escapes With $175; Is Later Arrested

Police in Ashland, Kentucky, said they believed that Gerald Rocchi was the Stapler Bandit who robbed a local ice cream shop on Tuesday, armed only with a stapler.

Employees at the ice cream shop, which in a complete surrender on the creativity front is called "The Ice Cream Shop," handed over $175 to a man who entered the shop wearing a ski mask and brandishing a chrome-plated staple gun.  He then fled to a nearby Ponderosa steakhouse, where he changed clothes and then fled again.  Witnesses who saw the Bandit fleeing were able to give police enough information to lead them to a nearby house.  When Rocchi refused their orders to come out, a standoff ensued, during which numerous heavily armed policemen were held off for nearly an hour by a guy with a staple gun.

It is unclear whether they or the employees knew that the Bandit was only armed with a stapler.  A police spokesman said that because of its chrome finish, the stapler could have been mistaken for a handgun "if someone didn't get a good look at it."  But if they did think it was a gun, it is hard to see how police could be sure that Rocchi was the Bandit after finding only a stapler and no actual gun at his house.  Seems like employee cowardice is a better explanation for the success of the holdup, and that they were looking for a guy with a stapler all along.

Another stapler-wielding bastard

The spokesman said that the search had also turned up evidence linking Rocchi with a holdup last week at a local Wendy's restaurant.  He declined to say what that evidence was, but did say that the culprit in that case also reportedly used a staple gun.

It apparently remains unclear whether he planned to shoot staples at his victims if they refused his demands, or just hit them with the stapler.

Link:  The Daily Independent (Ashland, KY)
Link:  VirtualStapler.com

Lawyer Says Client Is Remorseful Over Duck Beheading

It was "a big mistake," said lawyer Michael Colich on Tuesday in Ramsey County District Court.  He was talking about his client's decision to pull the head off a duck that lived in an ornamental pond at the Embassy Suites in St. Paul, Minnesota.

Alcohol was involved.

Colich said his client, Scott Clark, is "a fine young man who made a mistake," and is "extraordinarily remorseful" for what happened to the duck.  It seems that Clark and the duck got into an altercation the morning of Saturday, September 22nd, while Clark was staying at the hotel during a business trip.  How the fight started is unclear, although who won it is not.  According to the report, Clark cornered the duck, grabbed it and beheaded it in full view of a security guard and several other witnesses, who he then turned to and announced, "I'm hungry.  I'm gonna eat it."

The report did not say whether the Embassy Suites had snacks available so that hungry guests would have some alternative to hunting and killing the hotel's ornamental waterfowl.  If not, Clark might be able to argue the duck was an "attractive nuisance," shifting some of the blame to the hotel.  (I didn't say it would work, I just said he could argue that.)  At least one person did blame the hotel -- Tim Shields, general counsel for the Minnesota Federated Humane Societies.  He called the incident "unconscionable," but was apparently referring to the hotel's decision to have ducks in the lobby, which he said "puts them at risk of being stepped on or run over by suitcases[, or having their heads ripped off by a hungry drunken businessman]."

Clark's remorse, if real, is new, or at least alcohol dulled his sense of compassion at the time.  When police arrived, Clark asked them whether he was in trouble.  They said yes, which Clark did not understand.  "Why?" he said.  "Because I killed it out of season?  Big deal, it's just a ________ duck."  Wrong answer, my friend -- it's still duck season in Minnesota and Colorado.  Which does raise the question, I suppose, of why blowing a duck's head off with a shotgun is a sport, but if you follow the duck into the Embassy Suites and pull its head off, it's a felony.  At least Clark was hungry.

But according to the prosecutor, whether it was "sporting" was in fact the question.  "If he thought this was sport," said County Attorney Susan Gaertner, "he certainly took the sport out of it by going after a domesticated duck in a hotel lobby and ripping its head off.  I don't think many duck hunters would consider that 'sport.'"  True, but I don't think many ducks would appreciate the difference.

According to Colich, his client now "understands what he did was wrong" (it was the deal with the head) and is doing what he can to make amends.  Clark has written a letter of apology to the hotel, paid restitution, spent four days in jail and lost his job, he said, so another two years in jail for duck murder is not a punishment that fits the crime.

Link: CBS News

Good Reasons to Kill, #56

Because your roommate told you that you have smelly feet.

This now joins Reason 23 ("Roommate used the last roll of toilet paper") and Reason 47 ("Argued over game of Yahtzee") in this ever-growing database.

Link: FindLaw.com

Smuggler Calls Customs Officers to Ask If They've Seen His Cocaine-Filled Backpacks

Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents do not seem to have been too concerned originally about Leroy Carr.  True, they did notice him crossing the Canadian border four different times this year, each time carrying thousands of dollars in cash.  They also noticed that he was carrying night-vision goggles and a "GPS device programmed with coordinates for a well-known drug-smuggling trail."  Seems to me that would be probable cause, even here in the Ninth Circuit, but they let him go each time.  If this was part of a sting operation, the article didn't say anything about it.

Rest easy, O Reader, for thus doth the steel curtain erected around our homeland remain impermeable.

In August, though, Carr called them.  According to a complaint filed this week, Carr called the agency and told agents that he had stashed two blue backpacks containing 68 pounds of cocaine, likely intended for Lindsay Lohan, by the entrance to a camp near the Canadian border.  He said he had returned the next day to find they were gone.  Apparently, Carr was having some trouble convincing the "organization" he was working for that the backpacks had actually been stolen, and by someone other than Leroy Carr.  So he had called to ask whether the agency would put out a news release saying that federal agents had found the drugs and confiscated them, thus putting him in a (slightly) better position with his employers.

The story did not say whether the agency did this (although I note that Carr is still alive), but it seems unlikely because the feds had not in fact found the drugs.  Upon learning this, I assume that after an awkward silence or perhaps an inquiry into the weather and/or the agents' thoughts as to how the Packers might do this year, Mr. Carr then bid the agents farewell.

A Boy Scout found the backpacks two weeks later, and, being a Boy Scout, called the authorities.  Finally having the evidence they needed, customs agents arrested Carr last weekend and charged him with possession with intent to distribute.

There does not appear to be a merit badge yet for Homeland Security.  The closest matches I can find seem to be Emergency Preparedness, Law, Crime Prevention, or maybe Bugling, in case you need to alert federal agents to an unauthorized border crossing.  Sadly, I note that the Beekeeping and Rabbit Raising badges have been discontinued, although it is hard to see how those would contribute at all to the War on Terror anyway.

Link:  MSNBC.com
Link:  ICE!

Spanish Thief Partly Like Robin Hood, Partly Not

In August, Spanish police finally captured "The Loner," the country's most wanted criminal.  The Loner, whose secret identity was Jaime Jimenez Arbe, had robbed more than 30 banks and killed three policemen during his crime spree.  But his lawyer has sought to portray Jimenez as a fighter for justice who robbed banks only because they stole from the public.

Reports have said that Jimenez "saw himself as a Robin Hood-style figure," but that doesn't seem to be completely accurate.  More specifically, the lawyer said that Jimenez thinks of himself as "Curro Jimenez," described as "a Spanish 1970s television bandit in the style of Robin Hood."

El bandolero Curro Jimenez.
Robaba a los ricos para dárselo a los pobres.

And the Jaime Jimenez version of the Curro Jimenez version of the style of Robin Hood seems to have lost something in translation.  Specifically, while The Loner did robaba a los ricos he had not quite gotten around to darselo a los pobres.  Police said that so far as they could tell, The Loner had not given any of the money away, but had stashed it in several different bank accounts.

Maybe he just wanted to get the first part of the style perfected before moving on.  That does seem to be the hard part.

The murder of three policemen is also a little inconsistent with the Robin Hood characterization, but Jimenez said in a letter to newspapers that he regretted the deaths.  "I am not a killer," he said (apparently meaning "one who enjoys killing" as opposed to "one who has killed," which he has), "and if I was obliged to shoot at officers of the law, it was always against my will and in order to avoid being arrested."  Again, without the "only trying to help others" part, this falls a little flat.

Jimenez's attorney also said that, at the time his client was arrested, he had finished with banks anyway and was planning to move on to insurance companies.

Link: Reuters

"Duct Tape Bandit" Apprehended Immediately

Possibly inspired by (but far less successful than) last month's "Tree Bandit," who also employed duct tape but only to attach his foliage, a Kentucky man tried to rob a liquor store last Friday after first wrapping his entire head in the stuff.

Kasey G. Kazee, 24, of Ashland, Kentucky, is now accused of being the "Duct Tape Bandit," although the embarrassment factor there is probably not much greater than the name he started out with.  He walked into Shamrock Liquors on Friday with a duct-tape disguise, but apparently without a weapon.  I infer that from the fact that he was quickly beaten into submission by store employees, one of whom, ironically, wielded a wooden club also wrapped in duct tape.  Kazee tried to flee but another employee and a customer tackled him in the parking lot and held him until police arrived.  Unfortunately for the Bandit, someone also arrived with a camera.

Kazee, in yet another ill-advised accused-criminal interview with a TV reporter, has denied that he was the Bandit, but while he was relatively fully wrapped, he is probably still identifiable.  He does not seem to have explained why he did not choose to wear a ski mask rather than fabricating one out of duct tape, ski masks being just as effective and significantly easier (and less painful) to remove, or whether he thought it was worth it for the two rolls of change that he nearly escaped with.

Link: CBS News

Robbery Tip #147: Don't Leave Your Gun on the Counter

Consider using only one hand to stuff the cash into your pockets.  The robbery will take a little longer, but if the alternative is setting your gun down on the counter, it's worth the extra time.

As the surveillance video of the incident shows, some convenience-store clerks may be so rude as to grab the gun and turn it around to point at you.  This is a severe breach of robbery etiquette, but should it happen your only options are probably surrender or flight.  The worst choice is probably what this gentleman did, which was to first flee, then rush back into the store to try to take the gun back from the now-heavily-armed victim.  Not only are you unlikely to get the gun back, the commotion may give someone time to write down your license-plate number.

Neither man was injured during the incident.  The robber was tracked down in a nearby apartment and arrested.

Link: CBS News

Internet Flame War Ends in Burning Trailer, Prison Time

Russell Tavares was sentenced on Monday to seven years in prison after he pleaded guilty to felony arson for setting fire to a man's trailer home in 2005.  Tavares had become angry after the man called him a "nerd" on a website that the two frequented, so angry that he left his Virginia workplace, drove 1,300 miles to Waco, Texas, and burned the man's trailer to the ground.

Tavares, scarily enough, was a 25-year-old weapons systems operator at the Navy's AEGIS Training and Readiness Center in Dahlgren, Virginia.  Police say he was also "obsessed with fire, guns and knives," none of which are particularly good things to be obsessed with, and would post pictures of himself online (under the name "Pyrodice")pointing firearms at various people and things.  The victim, 59-year-old John Anderson, also posted digitally altered photos when he could spare time from his day job, running the Museum of Horrors haunted-house attraction in Elm Mott, Texas.  (According to Anderson's website, he runs two haunted houses in that location, both utterly terrifying.  Also there's a DJ every night.)  He called himself "Johnny Darkness."

So, truly a clash of titans.  Their lives apparently intersected on orfay.com, a site where people post pictures and chat or something to that effect.  Anderson said his page became the most popular there, and drew many comments including not a few insults.  He would "say bad things back to them" as appropriate.  "It was like, 'Your mother wears combat boots,'" Anderson said, although it was unclear whether he had actually met the mothers of anyone who contacted him.  As fate would have it, Tavares got involved.  Anderson said he made fun of Tavares' own picture, calling him a "white Steve Urkel," and ultimately posted the picture with "Revenge of the Nerds" appearing at the top.  This seems to have been the last straw.

Apparently oblivious to the irony of going after someone for being called a "nerd" in an Internet flame war, Tavares took a leave of absence from work and started driving.  (He seems to have found Anderson's address via the haunted-house website.)  To build suspense, he took a picture of himself at the border of each state he passed through and posted it on the website.  "Here I come, Haunted House Man," the pictures seemed to say, although they didn't really say anything at all, since they were just pictures.  Thirteen hundred miles later, Tavares was in Waco.

Revenge of the (Alleged) Nerd
(border crossings also marked)

His attorney claimed later that Tavares was really driving to Arizona to see his family and made a last-minute decision to go get Anderson.  That is possible, given the route, but however he got there, Tavares admitted he had intended to scare Anderson with a shotgun and then shoot his computer.  Only when the computer had paid in full for its crimes could he rest, it seems.  But he chose instead to set a fire near Anderson's propane tank before fleeing.  No one was injured, but according to the report, "the trailer, located behind the haunted house, was a total loss."  Tavares was later arrested in Arizona.

He pleaded "no contest" and was sentenced on Monday.  Officials said that Tavares showed no remorse and still had not let the feud go, which they inferred from the fact that he was taking cell-phone pictures of Anderson in the courtroom while waiting for his sentencing hearing.  Tavares blamed his own computer, too, apparently saying "if it wasn't for the computer, this wouldn't have happened."  I guess he may have been referring to Anderson's computer, which he had planned to kill, or maybe the two computers conspired against him.  Neither machine was indicted.

An investigator noted that the case was sad because Tavares had now ruined his entire career.  "He is a very smart person with fire," the investigator said.  "He knows his stuff."  Sure does, and it's too bad he has ruined such a promising fire-starting career after only one attempt (which was 100% successful).  As for Anderson, he will try to rebuild, but says he is still being harassed by someone -- or something?  "Before this happened," Anderson said, "the rule was: Nobody messes with the haunted house guy."  He did not say why that was the rule.  He'd better hope it is the rule again about seven years from now.

Link: Waco Tribune-Herald
Link: Toronto Globe & Mail

Golf-Ball Bandit Strikes in Kansas City

On July 2, workers at the Sunflower Hills Golf Course in Bonner Springs, Kansas (just outside Kansas City) called police to report a theft.  Actually, 4,800 thefts.  The night before, someone had broken into the driving range and stolen approximately 4,800 golf balls.  Tire tracks on the range suggested that the thief loaded his treasure into a pickup truck to make his getaway.

Exactly what he (and you know this was a "he") intended to do with 4,800 golf balls remains a mystery.  It seems like a lot of trouble to go to for a mere prank; the course's golf pro estimated that it would have taken someone "hours" to pick up that many golf balls.  And who better than a golf pro to make that kind of an estimate?  Well, me, that's who.

Assuming that the thief can fit three golf balls in each hand, that he has two hands, and that it takes him eight seconds to throw each double handful into the bed of his pickup and go back for another (I'm including in that some time necessary to move around, since the balls would have been randomly scattered over the driving range), I calculate that he could have loaded all 4800 balls into his truck in less than two hours (106 minutes, to be exact).  And that doesn't even take into account the likelihood that he was high on meth or had a shovel or a friend.  So I think the golf pro is off base on the time estimate.

He is right, though, to think they could have used a pickup truck.  Another set of calculations that I really don't have time to be doing, especially complicated ones like these that involve the 400-year-old Kepler Conjecture, pi, and the specs for the cargo bed of a pickup truck, seem to show that while 4,800 balls sounds like a lot of balls, they would easily fit into the bed of, say, a Ford F-150 Supercrew, which could actually hold about 33,500 (depending on how you pack them).

Still, what do you do with 4800 golf balls once you sober up and/or the humor value of having them has worn off?  Are there fences that would buy thousands of stolen fluorescent yellow golf balls that say "Dr Pepper" on them?  Maybe so.  The course valued the lost balls at about $2,700, which would make it a felony if and when the thieves are captured, but that doesn't mean they could actually sell them for anything close to that.

Golf pro Jeff Johnson had another theory.  Maybe, he said, "they are some really bad golfers who need some range balls to practice with -- a lot."  I'd figure out how much practice that would be but my brain already hurts.

Anyone with information about the theft, such as someone who's been asked if they want about five thousand beat-up yellow Dr Pepper golf balls at a really awesome price, is asked to call Bonner Springs police at 913-422-7800 or the Kansas City TIPS Hotline at 816-474-TIPS (474-8477).

Link: AP via Yahoo! News
Link: Kansas City Star

A Wine So Good It May Turn Your Robbery Into a Group Hug

That might be a good new slogan for Chateau Malescot St. Exupery, a wine so good it helped turn a robbery last week into a group hug.

A group of friends in Washington, D.C., were enjoying steaks, jumbo shrimp, fine cheeses, and a bottle of the Chateau Malescot, when a man wearing a hood burst in. Pointing a gun at the head of a guest, he said “Give me your money, or I’ll start shooting.”  Up to this point, the robbery was proceeding in the traditional manner, but then guest Christina Rowan said, “We were just finishing dinner. Why don’t you have a glass of wine with us?”

Amazingly, he agreed, and sampled the Chateau Malescot St-Exupery.  “Damn, that’s good wine,” he said. After a little more wine, and some Camembert, he had changed his mind.  “I think I may have come to the wrong house,” he said, putting his gun away.  “I’m sorry. Can I get a hug?”

Each guest gave the robber a hug. He had another sip of wine. He evidently felt it had proven to be a wonderful evening of camaraderie, apart from the whole gun-to-the-head thing, generally considered a faux pas.  Before he left his new friends, he asked to bond with them once again: “Can we have a group hug?” he asked.  Hugs obtained, he fled.  The police later found the wine glass, unbroken, in an alley near the home.

Perhaps this outcome is explained by the power of the carefully chosen wine-cheese pairing, something  that should not be underestimated, but I think the Chateau Malescot alone was responsible.  The Malescot (full name: Chateau Malescot St. Exupery Grand Cru Classe en 1855, Margaux), is made from grapes grown near Margaux village in France, in vineyards surrounding a chateau sold in 1697 to Simon Malescot, Esquire, Counsel to Louis XIV.  The chateau was purchased in the 19th century by Count Jean-Baptiste Saint-Exupery, great-grandfather of the writer Antoine de Saint-Exupery, at which time the famous name was added.  The Malescot (assuming it was the 2000) is a powerful and harmonious blended cabernet with fine crimson tints and the flavors of ripe fruit, mocha, and vanilla; its grapes harvested during rainy fall weather and carefully chosen for their calming effect on the American felon.  Wait, I've thought of a better slogan:

Chateau Malescot St. Exupery: Damn, That's Good Wine.

I've contacted the fine people at the Chateau Malescot to suggest that they adopt this slogan in recognition of this incident and in honor of the life-saving abilities of their heroic wine.  I expect to hear back from them shortly.

Link: Washington Post
Link: Chateau Malescot Saint-Exupery

Tree Robs Bank; Birnam Wood Suspected

According to police in Manchester, New Hampshire, a man robbed a bank Saturday morning after first disguising himself as a tree.

Let me address some questions you probably have right off the bat.  Yes, I have multiple sources for this story; yes, I have checked to make sure it isn't April 1st; and yes, I have a picture:

The robbery took place about 9 a.m. at a Citizens Bank branch in downtown Manchester.  Police said that a man, who they described as a 5-foot 8-inch white man with a thin build and dark hair, and wearing a blue T-shirt, blue jeans, and thick glasses, and also having "tree branches duct-taped on his person," entered the bank shortly after it opened.  He demanded money, but did not display any weapons.  That is, as the security camera footage shows, the man's branches, or more accurately, his leafy twigs, clearly were not large enough for potential use as a weapon and seemed instead to be intended to conceal his identity.  Detective Sgt. Ernie Goodno noted that the subject had used tree branches "as if he was trying to camouflage himself in the woods."

Well, let's not jump to conclusions, Detective.  He may have been trying to camouflage himself as a tall office plant; leafy shrub; or possibly as an actor in a local production of "Macbeth," playing one of the soldiers who shows up in Act V as part of "Birnam Wood" on the move, in my personal opinion Shakespeare's dumbest plot device:

[Act IV, scene 1.]

Third Apparition.  Be lion-mettled, proud; and take no care
  Who chafes, who frets, or where conspirers are:
  Macbeth shall never vanquish'd be until
  Great Birnam wood to high Dunsinane hill
  Shall come against him.

Macbeth.  Seriously?  That will never be.
  Who can impress the forest, bid the tree
  Unfix his earth-bound root?  Nobody, right?
  As this could not foreshadow some
  Lame plot device, high-placed Macbeth
  Shall live the lease of nature, pay his breath
  To time and mortal custom.

[Act V, scene 4.  The army of Malcolm.]

Siward. What wood is this before us?

Menteith.  By some strange coincidence,
  The wood of Birnam.
  Rolls eyes.

Malcolm.  Let every soldier hew him down a bough
  And bear't before him: thereby shall we shadow
  The numbers of our host and make discovery
  Err in report of us.

Soldiers. Hey, good idea.
  Now none of us will die.

  Exit one soldier, with boughs and duct tape.

[Act V, scene 5.  Dunsinane Castle.]

Messenger.  Gracious my lord,
  I should report that which I say I saw,
  But know not how to do it.

Macbeth.  Well, say, sir.

Messenger.  As I did stand my watch upon the hill,
  I look'd toward Birnam, and anon, methought,
  The wood began to move.

Macbeth.  Oh, come on!

Messenger.  Let me endure your wrath, if't be not so:
  'Tis writ upon the script this guy came up with;
  I say, a moving grove.

Macbeth.  If thou speak'st false,
  Upon the next tree shalt thou hang alive,
  Till famine cling thee: if thy speech be sooth,
  I care not if thou dost for me as much.
  I pull in resolution, and begin
  To doubt the equivocation of the fiend
  That lies like truth: 'Fear not, till Birnam wood
  Do come to Dunsinane:'  and now a wood
  Comes toward Dunsinane.
  It's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

  Exeunt omnes.

I mean, a leader whose idea of clever strategy is to tell everybody to carry a tree branch so the other side can't count you very easily should probably be in charge of a Renaissance Fair someplace, not an army.  Hey, Shakespeare -- was that the best "prophecy" you could come up with?  Writing for a deadline is a real bitch, isn't it?

But, oddly enough, the tree-branch bank-robbing strategy has worked, at least for now.  In this version, Mr. Wood was able to escape with an undisclosed amount of cash, and as of Saturday evening he had not been captured.  The Union-Leader reported that police had deployed a K-9 unit to the scene, which is particularly bad news for a criminal disguised as a tree.

Link: WBZ TV (New Hampshire)
Link: Manchester Union-Leader
Link: Macbeth, text of
Link: Macbeth, Cliffs Notes to

Defendant Continually Surprised By Failure of Jury-Attacking Strategy

Defense attorneys and pro se defendants, you may want to add this to your short list of jury arguments to avoid:  "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'll kill all of you."

Also the closing argument, "That goes for your family, too."

An aggressive strategy, but one that failed for Richard Glawson, who, surprisingly, was convicted in May of multiple charges by the jurors he threatened to kill.  Specifically, prosecutors (who indicted Glawson this month with jury-intimidation charges) said that Glawson told the jury "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I’ll kill all of you if you find me guilty of any one charge, and that goes for your family, too."  The story did not say why whether Glawson was represented by an attorney during that trial, which was based on a "weeklong crime spree" in 2001.  (If so, bad choice to let him address the jury, sir.)  Glawson was sentenced to a possible 45 years in prison based on those charges by a judge who Glawson apparently forgot to threaten to murder.

Innovative legal thinker
Richard Glawson

The jury-attack strategy is not a new one for Glawson, who was also indicted on intimidation and battery charges for actually punching out a juror in another one of his trials.  I'm sure that juror still did his civic duty to carefully and impartially consider the evidence in the case, but Glawson was still convicted.  Glawson also is charged with kicking a Superior Court officer in the leg, which I guess for him would constitute thinking outside the box, and with "using restraints to break a window in the court cell where he made mosaic art out of two bologna and cheese sandwiches."

If Glawson is convicted by the jury he threatens in his upcoming trial on the juror-punching charge, that sentence will start to run after the 45 years he got for his conviction by the jury he threatened to kill in May.

One of my favorite Onion stories of all-time is "Jury Selection Proving Difficult in Trial of 'The Jury Killer,'" but I never thought life would so closely imitate art.

Link: BostonHerald.com

Good Reasons to Murder Somebody, #47

My favorite Good Reason to Murder Somebody remains "Used the Last Roll of Toilet Paper," but this one seemed like an immediate contender.  Also seems hard to improve on the lead sentence:

"A night of Yahtzee ended with a fatal stabbing Saturday."

The brief report did not specify exactly what the argument was about, although most likely they were playing under the original 1956 game rules with the well-known discrepancy as to whether bonus Yahtzees may be used as "jokers" in the upper section of the score card, something that resulted in more Yahtzee-related killings than almost any other rule before it was finally corrected.

I also found this other good Yahtzee-related fact on Wikipedia:

"Kelly Clarkson carries Travel Yahtzee in her purse.  [citation needed]"

Good to know.

Anyway, it is possible that the fight was over a woman -- the report notes in passing that the alleged killer, Mark Kelvin Allen, had been playing Yahtzee with the victim's girlfriend when the argument started.  That sounded suspicious, but the report also says that the argument started between the two players during the Yahtzee game, and that the woman then left and went into another room where her boyfriend was.  Allen kicked that door off its hinges and the two men then fought.  Based on those facts, this does sound like a killing that started over a Yahtzee dispute with the victim having become involved in defense of his girlfriend.  And that puts it right up there on the list of good reasons to kill.

Link: TBO.com (Tampa Tribune)

Burglar's Plea to "Let It Be" Backfires With Judge

Quality judicial work by Judge Gregory Todd of the Thirteenth Judicial District Court, Yellowstone County, Montana.  You can see a PDF of the memo itself at the link below, but here's an excerpt:

Mr. McCormack, you pled guilty to the charge of Burglary.  To aid me in sentencing, I review the pre-sentence investigation report.  I read with interest the section containing Defendant's statement.  To the question of "Give your recommendation as to what you think the Court should do in this case," you said, "Like the Beetles say, 'Let it Be.'"

Hey Jude, Do You Want to Know a Secret?  The greatest band in rock history spelled their name B-E-A-T-L-E-S.  I interpret the meaning of your response to suggest that . . . I should just Let It Be so that you could live in Strawberry Fields Forever. . . . [But as] a result of your Hard Day's Night, you are looking at a Ticket to Ride that Long and Winding Road to [jail].

You get the idea.

Link:  State of Montana v. McCormack, No. 06-0323 (Yellowstone County District Court, Feb. 26, 2007)

UPDATED: Miami Shooting Reopens Debate Over Condiment Control

According to Miami police, early Tuesday morning the driver of a car in a Wendy's drive-through lane requested a number of chili-sauce packets with his meal.  Ominously, that number was greater than three, the maximum packets per customer allowed by restaurant policy.  When informed of this policy by the drive-through worker, Susan Byrob-Fimon, the customer became angry and demanded more.  Byrob-Fimon refused.  "I told him, I just take the orders and give out the food," she said.  "It wasn't up to me to give him more chili."

But Susan's firm stand was immediately undermined by her superior, Renel Frage, who stepped in at this point to micromanage the negotiations.  And Frage caved almost immediately, grabbing a handful of eight additional packets, for a total of 11.  Still, even with almost four times the authorized maximum number of packets in his bag, the customer was not happy.

This shows the folly of trying to appease a tyrant.  Hitler wasn't satisfied with the Sudetenland, and surrendering on the three-packet policy did not satisfy this guy, either.  (See?  Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it, or something.)  Instead of showing strength by breaking off negotiations, concessions were made.  And, predictably, violence followed.

Frage unwisely stepped outside to talk to the man, believing that he simply did not understand that he already had his extra condiments, and explained to him that he would not be getting more.  Thus he learned an additional lesson: before you decide to stick to your guns, make sure the other guy doesn't actually have guns.  This one did, and he shot Frage in the arm.  "There was blood everywhere," Frage recalled.  And, ironically, "he hadn't even checked the bag."  The only thing worse than condiment violence is senseless condiment violence.

The debate is already raging over how to prevent further incidents like this one.  Some believe that stricter laws are needed to keep guns out of our nation's drive-through lanes altogether.  Others say that if guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have condiments, and argue that a better solution is to arm all Wendy's workers.  Some instead blame society for its arbitrary rules and restrictive condiment policies, saying that they leave those whose chili-sauce needs are unfulfilled with little choice but violence.  The Bush administration, of course, continues to oppose the distribution of condiments altogether, arguing that abstinence is the best policy.

Meanwhile, the shooter is still on the loose.  He fled after the incident and has not yet been located.  Frage's injuries were not life-threatening.  Presumably, he will receive a medal or bonus of some kind from Wendy's, for risking his life and his $16,000 salary to defend the restaurant's condiment-limitation policies.

Link: AP via SFGate.com
Link: Houston Chronicle

Long-Distance Relationship Made Easier by Multiple Car Thefts

Love conquers all, or at least the ignition systems of older Toyota Camrys and Nissan Sentras.

Police in Los Angeles say that Antonio Moreno of Inglewood, desperate to see his girlfriend in Santa Barbara and without a car of his own, would borrow other people's cars to make the trip.  He specialized in the type of borrowing that does not require a return, and borrowed Camrys and Sentras with the help of a "simple device that starts Japanese cars of a certain age."  Moreno made at least thirteen trips to see his girlfriend, which we know because he stole 26 cars to do it.  Police said some cars were stolen in Inglewood and abandoned in Santa Barbara, while some were stolen in Santa Barbara for the return trip.  Moreno was "stealing vehicles to pursue their relationship," a police spokeman said.

But as always, the sacrifices you make for the sake of love turn out to be well worth it.  According to the article, Moreno's girlfriend "told authorities she had been trying to dump him" anyway.

Link: SignOnSanDiego.com

"Girls Gone Wild" Creator, Residing in Hole, Continues to Dig

Joe Francis, the entrepreneur who has made umpteen million dollars from the "Girls Gone Wild" videos, was indicted last week by a federal grand jury on two counts of tax evasion.  He was easy to find because, as you may recall from a week or two ago, he is in jail in Florida, having been found in contempt of court in connection with a civil case against him there.  (Originally, he claimed the judge had "gone wild" and he refused to surrender, but later changed his mind when people with guns showed up.)   The indictment charges that Francis deducted over $20 million in false business expenses for two of his companies, including $3.78 million in "business costs," which I guess would be legit if your business involves building yourself an estate in Mexico.

The good news for Francis is that the civil case in Florida has now settled.  The bad news (besides the federal indictment) is that he has managed to get himself charged with nine additional crimes during his stay in jail for contempt of court.  Allegedly, Francis tried to bribe a jail guard by "buying" a bottled water from him for $100.  When the guard refused, he upped it to $500, which doesn't show very good negotiation skills but I guess the guy was thirsty.  Since inmates are not supposed to have cash at all, this also prompted a search of the cell which uncovered a variety of drugs, apparently prescription drugs but still contraband under the jail rules.  Also in trouble for this is Scott Barbour, an "associate" of Francis who apparently brought the cash and drugs to him in jail.  Investigators listened to recorded phone calls from Francis to Barbour asking for the contraband.  Barbour, who is an attorney, should probably know that inmate calls are recorded.  And maybe he did, but was willing to risk it in order to get his friend the money he needed to survive in a hellish place where bottled water is unavailable even for  $500 a pop.

Francis told reporters the other day that he would "give up a billion dollars [if he had to], but it will be under duress," apparently believing "duress" to be a possible argument he could raise on appeal.

Link: KNBC-TV (California)
Link: WJHG-TV (Florida)

Tampa Trial of Band-Aid Bandit Begins

Opening statements this week in the trial of Rafael Rondon, the alleged "Band-Aid Bandit" who was arrested in 2006 after a string of 39 bank robberies in the Tampa area dating back to 2000.  The robber was dubbed the "Band-Aid Bandit" because he wore a bandage on his left cheek.  Rondon was arrested after surveillance footage showed him allegedly casing the bank in a car that witnesses identified as the one used by the robber.

It appears that the bandage was used to conceal a mole on the Bandit's cheek.  He seems to have been concerned that he could be easily identified by the distinguishing mark, but does not seem to have considered that authorities might come to suspect there was a distinguishing mark under the Band-Aid.  (I guess being the "Band-Aid Bandit" is better than being the "Mole Bandit.")

On the other hand, identification appears to be an issue at trial, so maybe this paid off.  Rondon's attorney, Daniel Hernandez, told jurors today that yes, his client "happens to have a mole on the left side of his face.  I submit to you that does not mean he is the Band-Aid Bandit."  But Assistant U.S. Attorney Colleen Davis told them that she had lots more than just the Band-Aid/mole inference, including DNA, palm prints, oh, and a bunch of money still wrapped in bank bands that they found in Rondon's house.  She said they would prove that Rondon was the "man behind the Band-Aid."

Compare (if you want to) Rondon's picture at the Herald-Tribune site below with surveillance photos of the Band-Aid Bandit posted by "America's Most Wanted."  The latter photos show the Bandit wearing what is allegedly a wig and a false we-don't-need-no-stinking-badges mustache.  They also establish that the Bandit became significantly fatter as his career progressed.  If convicted, he may lose fat and gain muscle mass as he works out during what could be a life sentence.

Link: Herald-Tribune.com
Link: America's Most Wanted

Ostrich Murderer Walks Away With Five-Month Sentence

The San Francisco Chronicle reported on March 29 that a man who murdered an ostrich late last year had been released from jail after serving only a five-month sentence for animal abuse.

This despite the fact that it was a cold-blooded, premeditated murder carried out for revenge.

According to the report, Jonathon Porter and a friend, Timothy McKevitt, "got in trouble after they took some women to an ostrich ranch after a party last Halloween."  As any drunken armed male ostrich farmer could tell you, women, ostriches, liquor and firearms just do not mix.

Porter's attorney described what happened.  "Apparently the young ladies expressed an interest in seeing the ostriches," he said.  Apparently there were no air quotes around "seeing the ostriches," and so they actually went to an ostrich farm and began to bother an ostrich.  "That all sounded like a good idea," the attorney continued, "until the ostrich physically attacked [the two men], and apparently he got the better of them."  According to the police report, both men were brutally kicked into submission by the ostrich, McKevitt actually being knocked to the ground by the savage bird, who, to make matters worse, is flightless, and who, to make matters even worse, is named "Gaylord."  A district attorney took up the story, saying that "at that point, the crucial thing happened.  Apparently the girls started laughing."

For Gaylord, the female laughter was a death sentence.  "We knew what had to be done," Porter told police afterward.  Yes, after being humiliated by an ostrich, there is only one thing a man can do.  Porter and McKevitt took the women out of harm's way, and out of laughing distance, armed themselves with a rifle and shotgun, and returned to the farm.  Gaylord then paid the price for his arrogance, dying in a hail of bullets.

Porter, who was already on probation, was taken into custody and effectively served five months in jail for the killing.  McKevitt has pleaded not guilty to felony animal abuse and is scheduled for trial in July.

Predictably, the two attorneys each had a different take on the matter.  Porter's attorney conceded that he would "hesitate to ascribe any sort of rational motive" to the ostrich revenge killing, which sort of sounds like there might possibly be a rational motive for an ostrich revenge killing, if only we looked into the matter more closely.  "It was a cross between being really startled by the ostrich and the alcohol," he continued (which is the first time I've heard of someone being startled by alcohol), which "led to a really bad decision."  But the district attorney had a different view.  "This whole thing is about male pride," he said.  "The ostrich knocked them both on their butts."

Link: SFGate.com

Search Engine Captures Bank Robber It Had Previously Instructed in Bank Robbing

Search engines are a vital part of modern life, at least for people like us who have computers and are able to hook them up to that series of tubes I call "the Internet."  The amount of information search engines provide is staggering.  But any tool can be used for good or evil, as shown by Kevin Fitzpatrick's use of a search engine for the relatively evil purpose of learning how to rob a bank in Norwich, Connecticut.

The Internet was heavily implicated in this scheme (although it denied any involvement when contacted for this story).  Fitzpatrick seems to have used it first to meet a female "friend" who lived near the bank he planned to rob, and whose car he borrowed to carry out the robbery.  According to the report, the two met on the Internet and had never met in person before Fitzpatrick showed up and asked to stay with her for a few days.  Of course she said yes, because you can trust everyone you meet on the Internet enough to let them stay with you, and to borrow your car to go to the "casino."

That's where Fitzpatrick said he had been when he came back with the woman's car and a whole lot of cash.  In fact, he had succeeded in robbing Liberty Bank, presumably using what he had learned on the Internet to do so.  He then hung around with the woman for at least a while longer, which proved to be a mistake.  The woman, who also used the Internet, saw a surveillance photo from the robbery on a newspaper's website, and recognized her guest.  When she checked the search history on her computer, she saw a post-Norwich-bank-robbery search for "Norwich bank robbery," which she felt confirmed her fears.  Could have been an innocent search for information, maybe, except for that surveillance photo and the fact that police found numerous pre-Norwich-bank-robbery searches on the computer concerning robberies.  Among them: "how not to rob a bank."  Whatever he found with that search evidently didn't cover the issue of not erasing your search history afterward.

The report did not identify the search engine that had entrapped Fitzpatrick by first tempting him to rob a bank, showing him how to do it and how not to do it, and then cynically apprehending him after he successfully used the information provided.

Link: AP via Yahoo! News

Officials Report Burqas May Hide More Than Female Form

Someone who shows up at a checkpoint anywhere in the Middle East with strange bulges under their clothing is likely to attract some attention.  (I concede that this could happen anywhere, depending on the nature of the bulge.)  That's what happened Monday at the crossing point between Egypt and the Gaza Strip.

Border guards became suspicious about a woman who approached the border crossing wearing a burqa, but also looking "strangely fat."  When this happens, you have to make a quick decision -- suicide bomber, or crocodile smuggler?  Luckily, in this case there was no bomb, only three young crocodiles, each almost two feet long, with their jaws tied shut, strapped around the woman's waist.

The crocs were discovered during a search by a female border guard, who screamed and ran out of the room, just what border guards are trained to do when they discover contraband.  Her panic spread to others in the area, who also began screaming and running around probably without knowing what they were panicking about.  Eventually, people calmed down, and once they had a chance to think about it, an observer said, "everybody was admiring a woman who is able to tie crocodiles to her body."

Actually, someone else probably tied the crocodiles to her body for her.  Guards said the woman claimed she "was asked" to carry the reptiles, and it's hard to turn down a request like that.  Apparently, exotic-animal smuggling is not unknown at that checkpoint.  A Palestinian sp