Lowering the Bar

JetBlue Sued by Man Forced to Ride in Lavatory

Numerous sources reported recently on a lawsuit filed by Gokhan Mutlu, a gentleman who alleges that Jet Blue employees deprived him of his original seat during a cross-country flight and forced him to use the lavatory toilet seat instead.

Pro: more privacy, personal sink, no waiting to use the lavatory.  Con: seat doesn't recline, generally not equipped with seat belts.

The plaintiff alleges that he was flying JetBlue on a "buddy pass," a voucher that employees can get for their buddies.  These allow you to fly on standby and apparently for free, but it seems they also put you at the very bottom of the airline-passenger totem pole.  Mutlu, who was trying to get to New York, says he was first told that a off-duty flight attendant had taken the last seat on the plane, but then that she would sit in the employee "jump seat," leaving a regular seat open for him.

But, he alleges, about 90 minutes into the five-hour flight, the flight attendant decided the jump seat was uncomfortable, and the pilot told Mutlu he would have to move.  He could not take the jump seat, however, because that was reserved for employees.  And since, unfortunately, you can't sit on the captain's lap anymore, that left only one seat on the plane, one that is even less comfortable than a jump seat, at least for long periods of time.

Mutlu alleges that when he "expressed reluctance" to sit in the bathroom, the pilot told him that "he was the pilot, that this was his plane, under his command [and] that [Mutlu] should be grateful for being on board."  (The pilot was not named in the complaint, which reinforces my main question about the lawsuit, namely that even on JetBlue pilots typically do not get directly involved with seat assignments.)  Plaintiff then reluctantly entered the chamber and took his precarious seat.

Later, there was turbulence.

Now, it does sound like this guy got jerked around, and being required to ride in the lavatory would not be pleasant.  If this actually happened, I would support his claim to get some kind of compensation.  But public sympathy for him has been a bit muted, possibly because he is demanding over TWO MILLION DOLLARS for his three-hour ordeal.

As it happens, just the other day I was figuring out, in a meeting about a case in which the demand is very large (I have to do something during meetings and it turns out doodling is too obvious) how much money one might earn during one's entire lifetime. Assuming that you made $50,000 a year on average during a working life that spanned forty years (the numbers I was actually using), you would earn, coincidentally, TWO MILLION DOLLARS, pre-tax.  That is probably somewhere in the ballpark for the actual numbers -- the IRS has apparently just stated that the U.S. median gross income for 2007 was $61,500, more than the number I used; but one study I found estimated the median lifetime income of a sample of retirees during the time they worked from ages 35-60, adjusted for 2005 dollars, to be just $517,158.

My point being that this guy (and/or his lawyer) is demanding more than the entire lifetime economic output of most Americans as compensation for being required to sit on the toilet for about three hours.

I had a roommate that used to do that for free.

Link: CBS News
Link: TaxProf Blog (recent median income statistics)

Ballot Proposal to Turn Alcatraz Into "Global Peace Center" Fails

Let's take a short break from mourning for the shattered dream of a Romney presidency and remember another casualty of Super Tuesday: the Alcatraz proposal on the San Francisco ballot.  Proposition C would have changed city policy towards the island, hoping to turn the former prison into a more uplifting kind of monument, but it failed to pass.

I voted for this proposal.  I have long thought it is a shame that, while New York City has the Statue of Liberty on its harbor island, San Francisco, of all places, has a prison.  Yes, it's historical, but why is that a piece of history we want to remember?  Sure, it's a tourist attraction, but if you enjoy vacation trips that involve cramped boat rides and being locked in a cell, Carnival Cruise Lines has a better buffet.  So I say, blow up the prison and build something there we can be proud of.

And there's the problem -- getting San Franciscans to agree on what we would be proud of.

Proposition C, unfortunately, was sponsored by the "Global Peace Foundation," which wants to turn Alcatraz into -- not surprisingly -- a Global Peace Center.  Exactly what this means was not entirely clear, and I'm not sure it was all that clear to the GPF.  While the plan did involve removing the main prison block, which I'm all for, it then involved replacing it with a "Harmonium," which I'm less sure about.

The Foundation's website (which may now be down) described the Harmonium as "an aesthetically beautiful multi-faceted geodesic dome" that would "employ advanced three dimensional holographic sound technologies and other special effect technologies which will which will [sic] promote and elicit a deep meditative, transpersonal and transcendental experience!  An Ascension Experience!!"  The sun would shine on it all the time.  There would also be a statue of St. Francis and as a nod to those who love prisons, an Alcatraz Museum.  The "jagged cliffs" of the Rock would be smoothed and "redesigned with graceful curves," and a "permanent MEDICINE WHEEL and LABYRINTH" would provide "sacred sanctuary and ceremonial spaces."

The GPF's director says that this vision came to him in "a flash, and I wasn't on any drugs, either."

The director, who goes by the name "DaVid" (or "Da Vid" -- reports vary) told the SF Chronicle the island is a "major power point" for planetary energy.  Apparently it can also generate money, because when asked who would pay the estimated $1 billion cost of the project, he said that "money will come."  He suggested the Bechtel Corporation could "create some good karma" by doing it for free.

I voted for this despite the freaky details because I like the basic idea and didn't expect it to win anyway.  Apparently, about 58,000 people felt the same way.  Proposition C failed, but got 58,750 votes (151,555 voted no), meaning that 27.94% of San Francisco voters supported this fairly loony proposition.

1.13% of them supported Mitt Romney.

Link: New York Times
Link: San Francisco Chronicle
Link: Global Peace Foundation

Minneapolis to Remodel Larry Craig Memorial Restroom

The Minneapolis Star-Tribune reports that two men's restrooms at Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport, including the one made famous as the scene of Senator Larry Craig's alleged foot-tapping, will be remodeled.  Specifically, the stalls are to be fitted with longer dividers to make, shall we say, "liaisons" more difficult.

As you are likely aware, Craig was charged with disorderly conduct after an undercover officer said Craig had tapped his foot and waved his fingers under the divider in a way that the officer says signals a desire for liaisons.  These sting operations were going on because liaisons had frequently been reported in these airport restroooms, and airport officials had discovered that liaisons there were being planned in advance over the Internet.  Police had made about three dozen arrests there prior to the time that Senator Craig showed up.

Airport officials say that the two restrooms scheduled for remodeling first are "among the busiest" -- seems hard to argue with that -- and that they have not yet decided whether the other 78 restrooms at the airport will be similarly refitted.  Liaison-proofing all 80 restrooms would cost about $1 million, an amount that is apparently being spent despite the fact that, as the article put it, "complaints about sexual activity in the bathrooms have evaporated since Craig's arrest and [since] people realized the bathrooms were under surveillance."  But a spokesman appeared to be resigned to the likelihood that the conduct would recur somewhere else.  "If everybody would behave themselves," he said, "we wouldn't have to spend money on any of these modifications."

It is unclear whether the modifications will stem the public interest in the stall in which Craig was arrested, which has apparently been drawing enough attention that they might as well add it to the Register of National Historic Places.  "It's become a tourist attraction," said one airport worker.  "People are taking pictures."  Jon and Sally Westby, a couple on their way to Guatemala, said they "just had to" stop and check out the site.  "In fact," said Sally, "it's Jon's second time - he was here last week."  "It's the second stall from the right," Jon confirmed.  If he laughed nervously, it was not recorded.

Link:  Minneapolis Star-Tribune
Link:  Pioneer Press

Vacation

Having finally contracted carpal tunnel syndrome from writing endless legal documents and posts for this blog, in addition to all the browsing and mousing activity that entails, my doctor is insisting that I take a one-week vacation from the keyboard.  Apparently, the treatment for carpal tunnel syndrome involves moderate-to-heavy drinking while dangling my lure over the side of a fishing boat off the coast of Alaska.  I was surprised to learn this, but she's the doctor.

Since this boat evidently does not carry enough Ethernet cable to reach shore from wherever the hell the fish are (and for what I'm paying, it should), I'll be disconnected from the Internet for about a week.  I don't really remember what things were like before the Internet, although I vaguely remember a time of chaos, burning cities, cannibalism, and the need to get pornography through the mail.  But I think I can survive for one week.  Assuming the boat is not rammed and sunk by Ye Whale or beset by some other spawn of the deep, posting should resume on June 21.

Thanks again for reading.  I'll send each of you a halibut when I get back.*

*Disclaimer:  No I won't.

German Court Tells Bald Man to Buy a Hat

The bald men among you who have been thinking about moving to the German province of Rhineland-Palatinate in order to take advantage of liberal health-care coverage to get free hairpieces should think again.

A court there ruled last week that the health-insurance system did not have to pay for hairpieces, saying that baldness was not unusual enough among men to justify the claim that corrective measures should be covered by health insurance.  Apparently, the man had argued that his case was different because he had been bald since childhood, and that it was a health-care issue because he needed hair to protect his head from the elements.  I infer the latter argument from the court's reasoning that "[t]he hair's protective function against the sun and the cold can easily be replaced by a hat. . . . [But] the health insurance does not have to pay for [hats]."

The insurer had said it would cover "long-term hair replacement support," and the story did not explain why the man had rejected that and demanded a hairpiece instead.  It did describe Germany's health-insurance system as "generous" and noted that it "has been known to fund such benefits as trips to spa resorts and breast implants."  All of which suggests that, while you gentlemen certainly might want to at least plan a vacation to a Rhineland spa resort, don't go there expecting any free hats.

Link: Reuters via Yahoo! News

How to Fail Your Driving Test

Driving Examiner's Checklist:

• Did the subject arrive on time?  Check.
• Did the subject properly signal before pulling into traffic?  Check.
• Did the subject observe posted speed limits?  Check.
• Did the subject know the way to the police station?  Check.
• Was the subject's blood-alcohol level less than three times the legal limit?

I guess if you fail that last one it doesn't really matter if you get all the others right.

Reuters reported today that a man in Bendorf, Germany, failed his driving test today for (1) demonstrating poor driving skills, and (2) taking the driving test while severely inebriated.  The examiner said that he detected the odor of alcohol almost immediately when the man arrived for the test, but after he assured them he had not been drinking they decided to proceed.  But when the man's driving proved to be "rather bad," the examiner "directed him toward the police station without him knowing."  Ah, sneaky, mein Herr.  Upon arriving at the station the unfortunate student failed both the blood-alcohol test and the driving test with flying colors.

The report did not say whether the man was charged with drunk driving, but it did quote a police spokesman as saying that he will have to wait a "long time" before he can take the test again.

Link: Reuters

Ukraine Invaded by Rowing Team

Reuters reported on Tuesday that Ukrainian border guards had halted an invasion from neighboring Belarus, succeeding in part because the invaders were members of the Belarussian national rowing team.

According to the report, a Ukrainian coast guard vessel intercepted ten rowers from a "flotilla" of eight boats that had crossed into Ukrainian waters from Transdniestria.  As you know, Transdnistria (a.k.a. Pridnestrovie) is a de facto independent republic within the internationally recognized borders of Moldova in Eastern Europe that declared independence on September 2, 1990 as the Pridnestrovian Moldavian Soviet Socialist Republic and since then has exercised de facto control over most of the Transdniestria region, located between the Dniester River and Ukraine.  Transdnistria offers citizens a per capita income of $844, and beatings.

So it may not be that surprising that people are trying to get the hell out of it, even if they are from somewhere else originally.  On the other hand, these rowers claimed they had crossed the border "accidentally."  I think that was Hitler's first explanation too, but it may be true here since the rowers were so far from home.  Belarus does not share a border with Transdniestria, which is much further south.  According to reports, the Belarussians claimed that they had been invited to train for the world championship in Transdniestria because every body of water in their own horrible country is still frozen solid.

Ukraine says that the rowers have been detained and will be prosecuted for illegally entering the country's national waters.

Link: Reuters via Yahoo! News

Why Not to Slap Fellow Airline Passengers, Reason #1

Wanting to slap fellow passengers (and their crying babies) is entirely understandable, but here's a reason to stop and think before you do it.  A US Airways passenger was arrested yesterday after he threw a "mid-air temper tantrum" on a flight from Washington to Fort Myers, Florida.  The tantrum was for the usual reason -- flight attendants refused to serve the man any more alcohol.  But the tantrum went further than most when the man then got into an argument with a fellow passenger and allegedly slapped him.

The slappee turned out to be an undercover air marshal.  D'oh!

The air marshal "detained the man for the remainder of the flight" -- where was he going to go? -- and arrested him once they got to their destination.  The slapper was to be arraigned today and charged with "interfering with a flight crew" and with interfering with the face of an undercover air marshal.

Link: CNN.com

Rink Employees Fired For Late-Night Zamboni Run

Two employees of Idaho Ice World, a skating rink in Boise, were fired this week after they made a midnight fast-food run. That might not ordinarily have been a problem except that they were driving their Zambonis.

As many of you probably know, the Zamboni, named after its inventor, Frank Zamboni, is an ice-resurfacing machine that smoothes out pits and ridges in the ice of hockey and skating rinks. (Not to be confused with Giuseppe Zamboni, 19th-century Catholic priest and physicist, or the "Zamboni" that some of you may recognize as a professional-wrestling term for a "legitimate low blow.")

This kind of Zamboni is not designed for street use, let alone to use the drive-through lane at Burger King. But it does fit, evidently, because the two employees each drove one to Burger King, through the drive-through lane and back to Ice World at about 12:30 a.m. on November 10. The round trip totaled about 1.5 miles, which would take almost 20 minutes at top Zamboni speed. I was sorry to find out that Boise does not seem to have had enough snow and ice recently that the Zambonis actually could have been used to smooth a path to Burger King and back, although I guess that would have given them away for sure.

Boise Parks Department Director Jim Hall said the two employees, whose names and ages were not released, "were fired immediately." He said they would be charged with operating an unlicensed vehicle on a public street. "When we interviewed them," he said, "they didn't seem to be too concerned about it. I don't think they understood the seriousness of it." I don't think Mr. Hall understood the humor value of it. And I'm sure the drivers were more than willing to give up their temp jobs in exchange for the memory of this midnight ride, a memory that they will cherish until the day one of their loved ones has his or her pits and ridges smoothed out by a drunk Zamboni driver inspired by their example.

Hall said that the Zambonis, which cost about $75,000, plus $10,000 for replacement blades, appeared to be undamaged.

Link: Findlaw.com

Ninth Circuit Rejects Right-to-Land-Personal-Jet Case

While the Ninth Circuit is often labeled as a "liberal" court that will accept virtually any civil-rights claim, don't tell that to Ron Tutor, who is still unable to land his private jet at the airport in Hailey, Idaho.  In March, Tutor sued the city after it denied him permission to land at Friedman Memorial Airport, which is near the resort areas around Sun Valley, Idaho, where Tutor keeps a vacation home.  The city's transparently fabricated excuse: the runway can only handle planes weighing less that 95,000 pounds, but Tutor's personal Boeing Business Jet, an "executive version" of a 737, weighs 171,000 pounds, almost twice the limit.

How many times have we all heard that one?

Although Tutor luckily was able to reach his vacation home by means of an alternative, smaller private jet, he was not going to sit still for this flagrant violation of his constitutional and legal rights.  He brought Section 1983 claims against the city alleging violations of, including but not limited to, the following:

• substantive due process;
• procedural due process;
• equal protection;
• the Airport and Airway Improvement Act of 1982;
• the Airport Noise and Capacity Act of 1990;
• his constitutional right to travel; and
• the Commerce Clause.

Showing restraint, Tutor did not allege violations of the Missouri Compromise, the Monroe Doctrine or the Treaty of Brest-Litovsk.

The claims he did make got him only unrestricted landing rights at Loserville Community Airfield, with a fee award tacked on after the district court found his constitutional claims to be frivolous.  The Ninth Circuit affirmed.  For the most part, the court rested on the fact that Tutor had not actually been denied access to his home, which he was able to reach by means of the smaller plane.  This allowed the court to avoid the questions of, for example, whether a citizen's right to land his private jet wherever he goddamn well pleases is a "fundamental right or liberty interest that is 'deeply rooted in this Nation's history and tradition,'" and whether aircraft weight is a "suspect classification" for purposes of the Equal Protection Clause.

Link: Tutor v. City of Hailey, No. 04-35424 (9th Cir. July 3, 2006) (link to PDF file)

Airport Screeners Directed Not to Touch Your Monkey

The always-vigilant Transportation Security Agency has promulgated rules governing the security procedures to be implemented when a disabled traveler is traveling with a service animal, in case al Queda figures out how to pack a bunch of explosives into a dog or cat or helper monkey.

The TSA's guidelines for helper-monkey security are reproduced below, with one addition that I made up.  If you can guess which one is fake without checking the TSA site, then you would likely qualify as a TSAMHSS (Transportation Security Agency Monkey Helper Security Specialist).  Actually, you could probably qualify with a high-school diploma or equivalent, but try to guess anyway.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monkey Helpers

• When a monkey is being transported in a carrier, the monkey must be removed from the carrier by the handler prior to screening[.]
• The monkey must be controlled by the handler throughout the screening process.
• The monkey handler should carry the monkey through the WTMD [metal detector] while the monkey remains on a leash.
• When the handler and monkey go through the WTMD and the WTMD alarms, both the handler and the monkey must undergo additional screening.
• Since monkeys may likely draw attention, the handler will be escorted to the physical inspection area where a table is available for the monkey to sit on.  Only the handler will touch or interact with the monkey.
• TSOs have been trained to not touch the monkey during the screening process.
• TSOs will conduct a visual inspection on the monkey and will coach the handler on how to hold the monkey during the visual inspection.
• The inspection process may require that the handler take off the monkey’s diaper as part of the visual inspection.   

Okay, they're all real.  And I'm sorry, but if the War on Terror really requires me to potentially search a monkey's diaper, then I surrender.  The terrorists have already won if they have really forced us to choose between security and the freedom not to root around in a chimp's underpants.  I mean, please.

It is sad to know that the TSA will not touch my monkey.  But they can still love him!  Ihn lieben!  Meinen Helferaffen lieben!

Link: Transportation Security Agency
Link: BoingBoing.net

Woman Armed with Gucci Bag Removed from Flight

A spokesman for Cathay Pacific Airlines said they had to call the Hong Kong police to remove a woman from a Tokyo-bound airliner on Monday.  The woman, who was carrying a luxury Gucci handbag, repeatedly refused all requests to put the expensive bag under the seat in front of her or in the luggage compartment.  The flight was delayed for over an hour as she argued with the cabin crew and airport authorities.

The article did not say why the woman refused to stow the bag, although we can probably all guess something in the right ballpark.  Nor did it say whether the woman's four friends (who all had to disembark with her) supported her decision to stand firm.  It did say that when they were escorted off the plane, there was much applause.

The woman later apologized and the five of them were put on a later flight to Tokyo.  No incidents were reported on that flight.

Link: Reuters via My Way News

Driver Labeled as "Dangerous" Simply Because He Has No Arms

A policeman in New Zealand testified yesterday that he had cited Colin Smith for "driving in a manner likely to be dangerous to the public" after he stopped Smith for speeding and then happened to notice that Mr. Smith had no arms.

He said that the seat was reclined and that Smith appeared to have been using one foot to steer and the other to work both pedals.  (It seems Smith's car has an automatic transmission, which is probably a good thing.)  Smith apparently did not deny that he had not been using arms to operate his vehicle, but said he did intend to defend himself against the charges that he was dangerous because of it.  He said he had been driving for years without arms and had never had an accident.

A win by Smith would set an important precedent for the semilimbed as well as those who just like to drive with their feet.

Link: AP via My Way News

No Seat-Belt Citation for Corpse

A German woman was stopped and arrested recently after police got a tipoff that she was transporting a dead body in her car.  The woman was taking a relative to be buried in her hometown and said she was trying to save the money the mortuary was going to charge her to transport the body.  (Unsurprisingly, it was the mortician that tipped off the police.)

The comedy in this incident, as is often the case, is provided by a police spokesman, who told reporters what the woman had been cited for and what she had not been cited for.  "You're not allowed to transport dead people in your private car," said spokesman Ralf Schomisch, which is why the woman was charged with violating burial laws and with "disturbing a dead person's peace" (that second one, at least, really doesn't sound very fair).  But Schomisch also couldn't stop himself from noting another possible violation: "The corpse was on the back seat without a seat belt," he said, although he quickly was forced to note that "in this case [it] didn't really matter."

There's a definite note of disappointment there, it seems to me.  Another scofflaw gets away on a technicality.  The failure to cite the corpse for not buckling up has deprived the world of a full discussion of some important legal issues, that's for sure.

Link: Reuters via My Way News

Man Charged With Leaving Scene of Crash After Snake Attack

Drivers in Naples, Florida, called police Tuesday night to report the kind of road incident that you don't see every day, but would like to.  They reported that a man who had been driving his PT Cruiser erratically then crashed into a series of barricades before finally coming to a stop.  The man got out of his car, wrestled briefly with a snake, and then got back in his car -- with the snake -- and drove off.

Authorities tracked the car to the home of Courtland Page Johnson, 30, and his pet snake, age unknown.  He first told police that he had crashed into another car that had stopped short in front of him, but later admitted that he had been driving with his snake wrapped around his neck and that he panicked when it started to bite him.

The fact that Johnson was driving a PT Cruiser and wearing a neck-snake really made this sound to me like something out of a ZZ Top video.  If anyone comes up with a mugshot involving a lengthy beard and cheap sunglasses, please forward.

Though Johnson had not injured anyone, and had provided entertainment for amateur humor writers and their audiences across the country, he was still charged with leaving the scene of an accident.

My Way News
Naples Daily News

TRAVELER ALERT: Heads in Luggage Must Be Declared

"Homeland security" air-travel regulations get more ridiculous all the time.  First, nail clippers are banned.  Then, knives are permitted.  Now, you can get in trouble just for having a severed head in your luggage.  What's next?

A number of readers sent me this story today.  Myrlene Severe, a 30-year-old Haitian-born resident alien, arrived at Fort Lauderdale with someone's head in a bag.  (Tip for travelers: anyone arriving from Haiti with a lumpy bag is probably going to spend some extra time in security.)

There appears to be some disagreement over whether this was a "head" or just a "skull."  Obviously it started out as a head with a skull in it, but thanks to "C.S.I." we know that eventually severed heads evolve into mere skulls.  This one does not seem to have been particularly fresh, which suggests it was closer to "skull," but according to a customs spokeswoman "it still had teeth, hair and bits of skin and lots of dirt" attached, which argues in favor of "head."

In order to get on with it, this report will hereinafter use the term "skeletal head."

Ms. Severe (which seems like an appropriate name for someone carrying around a skeletal head) told authorities that she had obtained the "package" in Haiti for "use as a part of her voodoo beliefs," specifically "to ward off evil spirits."  I don't know much about evil spirits, but I tend to think they would find a skeletal head kind of "neat," as opposed to being warded off by it.  But I'm no expert.

Severe was charged with "transporting hazardous material in air commerce," which is a little hard to understand unless they thought she was going to break down the cockpit door with it or throw it at a flight attendant.  This seems like a general creepiness charge to me.

The other charge was described both as "smuggling a human head into the U.S. without proper documentation," and "failing to declare the head."  Whichever is the formal charge, if convicted of that and the "hazardous material" charge Severe faces up to 15 years in prison.

Yahoo! News

Woman + Woman's Fetus Held Not to Constitute "Carpool"

A municipal judge in Phoenix ruled Tuesday that a woman was properly ticketed for using the carpool lane, despite her argument that she was in fact riding with a "passenger" because she was pregnant.

A good question for Alito, if it's not too late.  [UPDATE: nobody asked him.]

Candace Dickinson was stopped on November 8, 2005, for using the carpool lane without a passenger.  The officer who stopped her said she pointed to her "obvious pregnancy" in hopes of avoiding a ticket, and after being fined $367, she contested the ticket in court on the grounds that her unborn fetus was a "passenger."  Judge Dennis Freemen rejected that argument, saying that the common sense meaning of the term, and the intent of the law, required the passenger to be one who occupied a "separate and distinct . . . empty space in a vehicle."  Dickinson's womb did not qualify.

Besides, as the officer argued in court, this theory would require officers to carry pregnancy testers to defeat sham excuses, "and I don't think we want to go there."

CNN.com