Top Ten Notable Facts About the Gay-Marriage Decisions

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  • First use of phrase "legalistic argle-bargle" since 1824's Gibbons v. Ogden
  • In a footnote, Justice Kennedy overturns the outcome of last season's American Idol just to see if anybody is still paying attention
  • Resolving an issue not raised below, Court rules unanimously that this lady over here bitching about her roommate has no standing to complain to me about it, and remands her case to the jurisdiction of somebody who cares
  • Justice Ginsberg interrupts reading of Windsor opinion to tell Justice Alito that if he keeps making that face, it's going to stay that way
  • Justice Thomas dissents on the grounds that there were no gay people in 1789
  • In another surprise result, Court grants an immediate stay of this lady's bitching about her roommate pending issuance of its mandate
  • Justice Sotomayor reads separate opinion consisting entirely of favorable reviews of her book; Alito dissents
  • Majority's rationale that "stability and predictability of basic personal relations" may be a liberty interest protected by the Fifth Amendment has broad implications, especially if scholars can construe it to get this lady to shut up
  • Justices Scalia and Thomas join in separate opinion declaring that they've always found each others' views very attractive and they don't care who knows it
  • President expresses support for outcome, states that everyone should be able to marry except whistleblowers