I am not a fan of generative AI but I also have very little virtually no artistic talent, so for that reason, as well as my belief that the results will often be stupid, I am willing to give it a try where images are concerned. The image above resulted from the prompt “burglar on the International Space Station,” but it looks more like an astronaut taking the trash out to the space dumpster. But it is better than the bot’s previous effort—

—which was the result of a similar prompt followed by “no, make him look like the Hamburglar.”

This does not, of course, resemble the Hamburglar in any way, in what I think is a stark demonstration of the limitations on current AI technology. The name that comes to mind is J.P. Morgan, 19th-century robber baron, and about as far from the Hamburglar as one could get. Hey, maybe it’s “J.P. Morgan Chase,” a name the president used recently as if it referred to a real person instead of a bank, the sort of confusion that’s hilarious when the confused person doesn’t control nuclear weapons.

What was this story about again? Oh, right, space crime.

As I complained a few years ago, one of the many futuristic things we were promised that had not yet materialized was a crime committed in space—and when we finally got one, it was probably just a domestic dispute? Lame. See “First Alleged Space Crime Is Surprisingly Dull” (Aug. 26, 2019).

And now I’m being told it didn’t even happen.

For those who don’t remember, this involved U.S. astronaut Col. Anne McClain, whose then-soon-to-be-ex-spouse accused her of identity theft and improper access to financial records after she allegedly accessed a bank account without permission. Not worth mentioning—except that McClain was in orbit at the time, in the middle of a 204-day mission to the International Space Station. Apparently they have internet access up there, despite the obvious risk it will get hacked by Cylons, taking down the entire defense grid. Those who do not remember the first episode of Battlestar Galactica are doomed to repeat it, I guess.

According to the ex, Summer Heather Worden, McClain logged in to Worden’s bank account without consent by guessing her password, although Worden didn’t claim she took any money. Still, Worden filed a complaint with the FTC regarding the bank access and also got NASA’s inspector general involved. But on November 13, she admitted she made it all up. The investigation(s) found that this was, or at least had been, a joint account, and that Worden regularly gave McClain access to it. Worden pleaded guilty to one count of lying to law enforcement and will be sentenced in February.

I want to emphasize some of the many far more positive facts about Col. Anne McClain, who appears to be, to use a technical term, a complete badass. In addition to being an Army colonel, she has a master’s degree in aerospace engineering and one in international relations, because why not, and then also an M.S. degree in strategic studies from the U.S. Army War College. She played rugby for the UK and US national teams. She is a helicopter pilot who flew 216 combat missions in Iraq. She became an astronaut in 2013 and has spent 350 days in space on two missions to the ISS, service that included three spacewalks lasting a total of almost 19 hours. And she is said to be on the list of astronauts for the Artemis moon landing program.

I got through law school and almost finished Fallout 4, but her record is pretty good too, I guess.