Via Improbable Research, here's the latest of what turns out to be a fairly large number of infant-soothing-device patents, or as the abstract describes it:
A device to assuage distressed infants via an adjustable vertical motion combined with an adjustable orientation. The device has a frame, an infant resting member coupled to the frame that is capable of retaining an infant in an adjustable position and a mechanism that is capable of moving the infant resting member in a vertical motion to soothe the infant.
According to the inventors, their device is a significant improvement over the prior art:
Yes, we can all agree the prior art has its limitations. And what could be more soothing for an infant than to be strapped to a gyrating, dismembered torso? Add a feeding tube and maybe drop by every now and then for a little home-schooling, and childraising basically takes care of itself.