Police Pretty Sure Man Tied Himself Inside Sack and Shot Himself Before Jumping Into River

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"We are 99.999 percent certain it was suicide," said a spokesperson for the police department in Hamburg, Germany, and it's really hard to see what other conclusion you could reach on this one. Local media had speculated that Ulrich Sattler was murdered simply because he was found in the river with a bullet in his head, wearing a backpack full of rocks and inside a burlap sack that had been fastened at the top with cable ties.

Another example of the press rushing to judgment, it seems, because after an "extensive investigation" police said they were almost certain Sattler killed himself:

Detectives have worked out that there was enough of an opening in the sack between the cable ties for Sattler to get an arm out and shoot himself so that afterwards the gun would fall to the ground. He would have had to have done this while perched on the edge of a bridge or jetty to ensure falling into the water.

Why he would make such an effort to do this remains a mystery—as does the whereabouts of the gun, which was never found. "It just goes to show, there is nothing that does not exist," the police spokeswoman said.

Well, there is at least one thing that does not exist (not counting the missing gun), and that is a good explanation for this event. Police seem to have called it suicide because (1) Sattler had tried to kill himself once before, (2) he did not seem to have any friends, (3) his apartment was virtually empty of furniture, and (4) they don't have a motive. Okay, fine, but until you explain the sack and the missing gun, I think you ought to leave this one open, guys.

Of course it's possible the gun was made of ice. Or, let's see, a ghost shot him with a ghost gun that shoots real bullets.

I'll keep thinking.