Tut Murder Cover-Up Continues

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An Egyptian investigative team this week said it had found no evidence to support theories that the Pharaoh Tutankhamun was murdered.

Egyptian authorities said they would now release Tut's wife and prime minister, who have been held as "material witnesses" since 1352 BC.

Some have speculated that King Tut was murdered, based on alleged damage to the back of his skull. They find a possible motive in the political and religious turmoil of the time. But Zahi Hawas, chairman of Egypt's Supreme Council of Antiquities, said that a CT scan and other tests run in January had found no evidence of foul play. "We don't know how the king died, but we are now sure that it was not murder," he said. "Maybe he died on his own." Well, how convenient. He just died. Sure, kings die every day. "The case is closed," Hawas insisted. "We should not disturb the king anymore." He blamed Western archaeologists, including the famous Howard Carter, for causing damage to the mummy that had been misinterpreted as foul play over the years.

Oh, also, they found the king's penis.

Apparently, the royal member was present when the tomb was reopened in the 1920s but had "gone missing" by the time of an investigation in 1968. Now they've found it again—or at least they think so: "Although they cannot be certain, the team believes that they have located [it] … loose in the sand around the king's body."

The final indignity. First your wife and prime minister gang up on you, then you get buried for three thousand years, then you get shipped all over the globe for gawkers to gawk at, then a team of yokels tells the world that they have found something that might be your penis, "although they cannot be certain." Thanks for nothing, guys.