And This Is My Pet Unicorn, Mr. Carrot Pretty Lashes

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Here's where this is going, in case you found this through an innocent unicorn-related search:

[The defendant's] attorney … called the prosecution's case a stretch of the imagination.

"Getting struck in the testicles is no way a reward or an advantage, which is the legal definition of unlawful compensation," he said. "If you can introduce me to a male that likes being struck in the testicles, I will introduce you to my pet unicorn."

Hence the title. (If you just wanted "unicorn," here's the way out.)

Were it not for the testicles and the unicorn, this would be a simple case of police misconduct. Or alleged police misconduct, at least. According to prosecutors in Broward County, two officers have been put on unpaid leave after being charged with crimes relating to a 2012 incident. Two women claimed that the officers stopped them after they left a club and threatened to arrest them unless they did what the officers wanted. They did, and were released.

Both officers have been charged with one count of battery and one count of "unlawful compensation," which under Florida law appears to be like bribery except that the desired public service has already been performed. That seems to make it the wrong charge here, because according to the report the officers demanded the "bribe" in exchange for not arresting the women, obviously a future "service." Actually, since the report says one officer "ordered [one woman] to have sex" and "she complied," the word for that is typically "rape." In Florida, it's called "sexual battery," so maybe that's the "battery" they're charged with.

In any event, "unlawful compensation" is the second count, which is important here because it relates to the unicorn quote. The women claimed that the second officer (that is, not the one who demanded sex) conducted a gropey "pat down" and then—and this is the heart of the matter—"asked one of them to punch him in the nuts":

Before letting the women go, [Officer 2] asked one of them to punch him in the "nuts," the [arrest] report states. The woman was hesitant but "he reassured her that this was OK and this turned him on," [according to the report].

[Officer 1] also encouraged her, saying [Officer 2] "really enjoys this."

The woman did as she was requested, and kicked [Officer 2] in the groin.

Well, obviously that can't be right, Officer 2's attorney said as quoted above, because a male who likes being struck in the testicles is as elusive as the fabled unicorn. Right?

Yes, if there are at least three unicorns out there somewhere.

In 2008, a Canadian man was sentenced to 60 days in jail for going up to women in parks and asking them to kick him in the groin. See "Man Jailed for Curiosity About Groin-Kicking," Lowering the Bar (Apr. 3, 2008) (noting that only one took him up on it, but she did so "repeatedly"). That was indeed a puzzling request, although I was also (and still am) puzzled as to what exactly is illegal about it.

In 2012, police in Portland said they had a similar case, except that this guy is willing to pay. In fact, they said he was so eager to be kicked in the groin that he was putting ads in Craigslist and traveling around the country to meet potential kickers, preferably "women with strong legs, such as soccer players or kick-boxers." He claims to be seeking help teaching self-defense classes, but really just wants them to boot him in the nuts. One woman said he asked her whether she was "up for the challenge" to kick him in the groin so hard he would fall over, "because anyone who does is paid higher." Portland officers confronted him "while he was beginning warm-ups with the five unsuspecting women" he had recruited to do this, basically telling him to get out of Oregon, but did not arrest him.

More to the point for the Florida "unlawful compensation" case: according to the report, prosecutors say they already have "testimony from several women describing [Officer 2's] enjoyment of being kicked and punched in the groin." I'm guessing his attorney didn't know about that when he offered to introduce people to his pet unicorn.

Who, it turns out, would be named "Carrot Pretty Lashes":

Get your own unicorn name from the unicorn name generator!

My unicorn name is: Carrot Pretty Lashes

Carrot is an eccentric genius with a big imagination.
He is as pretty as a picture,
and he casts magical spells.

Get your own unicorn name from the unicorn name generator!

As you may know, the Unicorn Name Generator will either generate a unicorn name randomly, or you can put in your own name as a random seed. Or anybody's name, of course. I put in the name of Officer 2's attorney and "Carrot Pretty Lashes" is what came out.

It's his pet unicorn we're talking about, after all.