Man Calls 911 to Report Hookers’ Breach of Contract

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You'd like to think that, at least during the holiday season, people would try harder to get along and to keep their promises to one another, even if the conduct they're all engaged in is technically illegal. But if they can't do that, it is comforting to know that they will sometimes call 911 to report these violations, thereby admitting their own guilt in the process.

Very rarely, they will do it twice on the same night.

The Smoking Gun reports that on December 16, a Pennsylvania man called 911 to report a "robbery," but what he described to the responding officer didn't fit that definition. Rather, he "stated that he brought back two women to his home for the purpose of 'Smoking Smoke,' and engaging in sexual intercourse for $400.00."

The report doesn't say what sort of Smoke was smoked. It seems to have been one of the sorts of Smoke that is illegal to smoke, but since no one was charged with smoking Smoke, I'm guessing they smoked all the evidence and managed to avoid admitting it was actually Smoke they had been smoking.

They may not have realized that trading sex for money is actually illegal in Pennsylvania, though, because they all admitted to that. Well, that's not literally true. The man's complaint, in fact, was that he had paid the women for sex, but then did not get to participate. He called this "robbery," but at worst it was theft by deception, and really seems to have been more of a breach-of-contract claim:

The Defendant said that the agreement was that he was supposed to be in the middle of both [sic] women while the three of them engaged in sexual activity with each other. The Defendant said that the two women got undressed and got into bed, and started smoking the 'Smoke,' and did not offer him any. The Defendant then stated that the two women then engaged in sexual activity with each other, and did not invite him … [H]e got undressed and got in the bed, but the two women put him on the end and not in the middle like they agreed too [sic].

The defendant said he was able to get in just one grope, and that "following that act, the two females took his money and left …." That is indeed disappointing, but the 911 call to report it was ill-advised. First, it wasn't an emergency; second; it might not even have been a crime; but most importantly, third, reporting it involved an admission of guilt. This was not lost on the officer, who then "informed the Defendant that he was under arrest for Patronization of Prostitution." The man was apparently then booked and released.

From which he learned nothing at all.

"A few hours later, the Defendant called Affiant back to his residence reporting that one of the females [who] '[r]obbed' him the night before was back at his residence." Had she returned spontaneously, suddenly filled with holiday spirit? Nope. "Affiant asked the Defendant where the female was. He said she was filling up the bathtub for them to get in[to]," together, and the officer did indeed find a naked female running bath water. "Affiant asked her what she was doing back at the residence, and she said that the Defendant paid her $100.00 to be there." She also admitted that the man had previously paid her and her friend $400 for the aforementioned purpose, which, again, is illegal. She denied taking any money herself, however, and claimed her friend had taken it.

In fact – if I am reading these affidavits correctly - she later called 911 to report her friend for stealing her half of the $400: "On or about December 18, 2011 … [the woman] called 911 to report a theft. Upon arrival, [she] said that [her friend] stole the money that [the man] gave them for performing sexual acts," whereupon "Affiant explained to [the woman] that she was under arrest for Promoting/Solicitation to Prostitution." The friend seems to have been the only one smart enough to keep her mouth shut, although she was also arrested based on the testimony of the other two.

The affidavits are confusing, but I think this is in fact the story they tell: the man hired two women for a threesome; called 911 to report he didn't get what he had (illegally) paid for; was arrested, booked, and released; then called one of the women he said had just cheated him, apparently intending to call 911 so police could "catch her in the act," but implicating himself in that act in the course of doing so; she also confessed on the spot, and later (maybe in retaliation?) called 911 to report her friend for theft, thus further confirming her guilt for that prior offense.

Had this happened a week later, I think I'd call that a Christmas Festivus miracle, but since it didn't I guess it's just miraculously stupid.