Tips on Wearing the Clothes You Just Stole from Next Door

LTB logo

Here are the three that occurred to me right off the bat:

  1. Don't wear any of them right away.
  2. Don't wear any distinctive items if the owner still lives next door.
  3. Should you choose to ignore #1 and #2, don't answer the front door for a while.

These lessons are taught by this tale, reported by WBBJ-TV in Tennessee. A woman there told police she had come home from a trip to find that someone had broken into and ransacked her home. Oddly, her closet and dressers had been emptied out, but while the thief took much of her clothing and underwear, he or she did not take more expensive items like a laptop and jewelry. For reasons not explained in the report, the victim said she immediately suspected her neighbor, a woman named Stormy Winters Moody.

You wouldn't ordinarily expect trouble from somebody named "Stormy Winters Moody," so there must have been some history there.


Probable cause

CSI was not required in order to make an arrest here. When police arrived they "discovered" Moody wearing some of the clothes reported missing. The report provides no detail, so it's not clear whether she was out in the yard (see Tips #1 and #2) or just answered the door while trying on some of the goods (Tips #1-3).

Either way, the victim noted that Moody appeared to be wearing some evidence. I guess it's not impossible that she also owned and was coincidentally wearing a Bob Marley T-shirt and a pair of shorts that were identical to items recently stolen from her neighbor, but I think this would be enough for probable cause. (She reportedly has since admitted to the break-in.)

The tale also suggests another related tip:

4.  If a neighbor's clothing is desired, consider stealing one item
     at a time rather than the whole wardrobe.

This is likely to be less noticeable, at least for items other than Bob Marley T-shirts. Also:

5.  Don't also steal a bunch of other incredibly random items, for

  • some laundry detergent
  • a bag of makeup
  • a frog shower mat
  • one (1) pair black sweat pants
  • dishes
  • fishing equipment
  • one (1) Lava Lamp
  • one (1) Shark steam mop
  • iPhone
  • flat Iron
  • curling Iron
  • tampons
  • a race-car rug
  • some toys
  • child Seats
  • brooms and dust pans
  • a blender
  • some pots and pans
  • cleaning supplies
  • picture frames
  • jewelry (but not the expensive stuff)
  • Proactiv Skin Creme
  • one (1) camcorder and bag
  • deodorant
  • plastic tote (though you may need it)
  • hair mousse
  • Dunkin' Donuts coffee and filters
  • Band-Aids
  • DVD sleeves
  • one (1) Giant Coloring Book

This will increase your profile significantly. Besides, what are you, the Grinch?