Assorted Stupidity #102

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  • What better time to propose than just after you’ve been arrested on six felony warrants? It’s a special event she’ll remember forever. Police got in the spirit of this particular proposal by (1) handcuffing the man with his hands in front so he could put the ring on his intended bride’s finger, and (2) not killing him.
  • The Guardian reports that, if online terms and conditions are enforceable, thousands of people in Manchester (UK) will be doing 1,000 hours of community service each. A company that operates wi-fi hotspots put the “community service clause” in its T&Cs “to illustrate the lack of consumer awareness” about such things. It offered a prize for anyone who actually read the T&Cs. One person claimed it, but about 22,000 unknowingly agreed to, among other things, scrape gum off the streets and “manually relieve sewer blockages.”
  • According to the Texas Tribune, the state’s Alcoholic Beverage Commission spent three years investigating Spec’s Liquor, the state’s biggest retailer, and charged it with dozens of violations that could have resulted in a fine of up to $713 million. But in a ruling last week, administrative-law judges found that at most, the ABC proved that Spec’s might have paid a single $778 invoice two days late. They recommended a fine of zero dollars, and blasted the ABC for wasting everybody’s time (and $1 million in legal fees, according to the company).
  • Mario Manago was court-martialed in March and convicted of “failing to go to his appointed place of duty,” a charge he claimed was based on an incident where he was six minutes late to a meeting. But an Air Force spokesman said that Manago’s conviction was … wow, it actually says “[h]e confirmed that Manago’s conviction was for being six minutes late to the meeting.” Now out of the military, Manago has a federal crime on his record as a result of the lateness conviction. “It is a commander’s responsibility to hold the members of the unit accountable for misconduct,” the spokesperson said.
  • There will be no goat yoga in D.C.’s Congressional Cemetery, according to a ruling by the District’s Department of Health. The goats don’t do yoga, they just walk around while people do it, because—well, who knows. There are already yoga classes in the cemetery’s chapel, because—well, who knows. But the DOH said that to add goats would violate its “‘NO TOUCH’ policy by spectators for animals participating in District events.” It said it derived its authority to ban goat-touching from this section of the DC Code, which allows only certain species to be imported, possessed, or moved within the District without the mayor’s permission. Seems pretty thin to me, but then I don’t really understand anything in this paragraph.