Kansas! The 16th state alphabetically, 34th chronologically (admitted Jan. 29, 1861), 36th by population (about three million), second in terms of how long I lived there, and—though this is controversial—seventh in flatness.

Does it have official state crap? Yes, lots.

Official state seal: the circular thing in the middle of the flag, which includes such historically accurate details as Native Americans hunting buffalo as white settlers occupy their land with no sign of discord or strife between the two groups. There is also a wagon train, meant to symbolize that, as is still true today, most travelers seen there are trying to get somewhere else. Kan. Stat. § 75-201.

Official state flower: the sunflower, which, according to the Kansas Historical Society, an 1895 state law classified as a “noxious weed.” By 1903, though, the state had officially changed its mind.

Official state march: Like another state that I can’t remember now, but trust me, Kansas has not one but two official state marches: “The Kansas March,” by Duff E. Middleton, which dates to 1935; and “Here’s Kansas,” by Bill Post, added in 1992. I have been unable to determine in what way the original march was deficient.

Official state bird: the Western Meadowlark. The 1937 Legislature was, however, careful to note that this was the bird “preferred by a vote of Kansas school children,” so I assume a majority of legislators hated it.

Official state tree: the cottonwood (Populus deltoides). Yes, Kansas has some trees. The name “cottonwood” derives from the seeds’ cotton-like attachments, which act like tiny sails in the strong prairie wind, thus helping the tree achieve its goal of getting this stuff all over your windshield.

Official state song: “Home on the Range,” of course. With music by Dan Kelley and words by the impressively named Dr. Brewster M. Higley VI, this song evidently has six verses, not just the one you probably know. (Because one of the others includes the lines, “On the banks of the Beaver, where seldom if ever / Any poisonous herbage doth grow,” it may not be surprising they aren’t more popular.) Bonus points: in 1934 the song was the subject of an unsuccessful copyright lawsuit.

Official state animal: “the American buffalo (Bos or Bison americanus),” designated as such in 1955. This one is interesting for two reasons. First, like California, Kansas chose a state animal that had been hunted to extinction in that state, which seems rude. Second, although the bison is back now, Kansas may not be using the right Latin name. Most sources seem to use Bison bison bison, which obviously is much better anyway. (To be fair, the National Zoo says “the taxonomy of bison has been under debate,” but what does it know about animals?)

Official state insect: the honeybee.

Official state reptile: the ornate box turtle (Terrapene ornata ornata). This turtle right here is goddamn awesome and it’s frankly embarrassing that it took until 1986 for the Legislature to make it official. Well done, sixth graders of Caldwell, Kansas.

Official state soil: Harney silt loam. Yes! Another great choice. If there’s anything great about Kansas, it’s the dirt. There is nothing you can’t grow in Kansas except maybe a college football championship. What’s so great about Harney silt loam? Well, for one thing, its mollic epipedon is 10 to 20 inches thick, if you can believe that, and it includes the upper part of the argillic horizon in some pedons. That’s what the USDA says, at least, and it may be using completely made-up words but what it means is “awesome.” Right, Kansas Historical Society? “It serves as a standard against which other soils can be compared[, such as the far inferior soils of states like Nebraska, which are an embarrassment by comparison].” Right.

Official state amphibian: the barred tiger salamander. It’s fine.

Official state language: Spanish. Just kidding, it’s English, which must be used in any official public document or meeting. And there shall be no exceptions whatsoever, except for the many enormously broad exceptions provided in the sections that follow. It’s almost like the English-only rule itself was passed just to make a point, but I didn’t look at the legislative history.

Official state theatre festival: the William Inge Theatre Festival held in Inge’s hometown of Independence, Kansas. Inge won the 1953 Pulitzer Prize for his play Picnic and the 1961 Oscar for Best Original Screenplay for Splendor in the Grass. He’s no ornate box turtle, but that’s still pretty cool.

Official state grass: little bluestem (schizachyrium scoparium). Sure, but what grass couldn’t grow in Harney silt loam?

Official state fossils: Tylosaurus, Pteranodon, and—arguably—the woodland lizard (Silvisaurus condrayi). Unlike any other state (in the first 16, anyway), Kansas has insisted on adopting three state fossils, one marine, one airborne, and one land dweller. At least, the Kansas Historical Society claims that the last one was adopted in 2023, but if so, it wasn’t by statute. Sometimes legislatures do this by resolution, so I’m guessing that’s what happened here. Besides, Kansas has an official state reptile, which is the Ornate Box Turtle, so get out of here with your “woodland lizard” or whatever.

Official cage elevator: the cage elevator in the Kansas state capitol building. To the best of my knowledge, Kansas is also the only state with an official cage elevator. According to the KHS, this cage elevator, installed in 1923, is hand-operated. I’m sure it’s safe, but if not, at least you’ll be plunging onto the official state rock, Greenhorn limestone, which sits atop some pretty awesome official state soil. So you’ll have that going for you.