Cookie Monster Will Now Advocate Eating in Moderation

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The Associated Press reports this week that Sesame Street’s Cookie Monster, long known for scarfing down any and all cookies in sight as well as a variety of other objects, will now emphasize moderation in eating, in recognition of the fat epidemic now raging in America. New segments on the show will include the song, “A Cookie is a Sometimes Food.”

I’m sorry, but this contravenes everything that Cookie Monster stands for. As the reporter noted, this is like using Oscar the Grouch as a spokesmuppet for clean living.

Politicians including Senator Hillary Clinton and noted long-distance-neurologist Senator Bill Frist have filed public service announcements supporting this treason. Senator Frist’s office commented, “[Cookie Monster’s] sage advice opened our eyes to the simple joys of a tasty cookie and now reminds us that moderation is the key to healthy living.” Huh? In another “healthy living” segment, Frist teaches Elmo to exercise by jumping up and down.

At the time of writing, public sentiment as measured by CNN’s “Quickvote” poll was running 77-23 percent against Cookie Monster eating fewer cookies.