Let’s All Sue Kim Kardashian

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Rob Delaney, a very funny comedian who you should be following on Twitter if you do that kind of thing, is threatening to sue Kim Kardashian and her husband what's-his-name for ending their "marriage" after only 72 days:

I wish to formally announce that I am suing Kim Kardashian to stop her divorce from Kris Humphries. I am also suing Ryan Seacrest, E! Entertainment Television, and Comcast for promoting their sham marriage, bilking advertisers, and polluting the airwaves of America and every other nation unfortunate enough to be subject to the disease of Kardashia.

The ceremony, which as I hope you don't know was televised as a two-part special on the E! Network, cost an estimated $10 million not counting the $18 million they were reportedly paid to pretend to like each other on TV. Delaney says that money should go to schools, or health clinics, or his uncle the convicted sex offender — anybody but these two.

Just the USA Today report on this event has more lies in it than Rod Blagojevich did, in particular this one from the E! Network: "All of us at E! are surprised and saddened by this news." Oh, we're so sad. We can hardly bear to write the exclamation point after the name of our network. But life must go on, and so we will try to force ourselves to "continue to share the fascinating real lives and larger-than-life existence of this close-knit family."

A wedding planner quoted by USA Today said that the couple should definitely return the wedding gifts. "I think anything under a year," she said, "looks like a grab. It looks selfish." Yes, keeping the toaster at this point would make it almost seem like they only got married out of greed.

As for potential liability, "veteran celebrity divorce and family lawyer Raoul Felder" said that at least if the media outlets that financed the thing decided this was just a hoax, they might have a valid lawsuit. Well, what he actually said was "If one of the people who gave them money came to me, I'd say, 'You have a lawsuit,'" which is not quite the same thing.

Delaney isn't claiming he gave them any money, and he seems to want (or pretend to want) money from the media people rather than Kim, at least. "KIM KARDASHIAN, I WANT THIS FOR YOU," he writes. "I know that under your unnecessary inch of makeup and Kevlar sheath dress is a heart that yearns for true love …. That's why I'd like you to stay married. And if you won't, I will sue you."

I would like to formally ask him that if he does sue, to please make this a class action, on both sides, so that the four million people who watched the ceremony can be made defendants too and be sued properly by the other 296 (or whatever it is now) million Americans who didn't. If you think that seems like an unlikely candidate for a class action, just file it in California. You'll be friggin' amazed.

Link: Rob Delaney, "I Am Suing Kim Kardashian," at VICE.com (site is mildly NSFW).