“Motion to Declare Trump Victorious” Filed in Pennsylvania

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I decided I needed to get more involved in the project of making fun of Rudy Giuliani and the ridiculous arguments he and his ilk have been making, even though I mostly reserve more political statements for my Twitter feed. I feel this has moved beyond the normal legal realm into the farcical legal realm, and so is therefore within my official jurisdiction.

Anyway, in furtherance of that project, I happened to be on PACER looking at the docket for the case in which Giuliani argued yesterday, mainly hoping to find a transcript of that argument. (The audio has been released, but I’m not sure it’s transcribed yet.) But I also found this remarkable document that was just filed in that case by a pro se plaintiff seeking to intervene on behalf of the Trump campaign, and I thought the public should be aware of that immediately.

Entitled “MOTION TO DECLARE DONALD J. TRUMP VICTORIOUS FOR INJUNCTIVE RELIEF BECAUSE OF CRIMES … [TO] COMBINE CASES FOR JUDICIAL EFFICIENCY AND SUMMARY JUDGEMENT,” it is pretty much incomprehensible, and I might not pick on it except that the legal arguments in it have almost exactly the same chance of succeeding as the arguments Trump’s actual lawyers are in court pretending to make.

Plaintiff spelled the defendant’s name wrong, to start with, but it gets much, much weirder than that. The motion alleges a number of conspiracies and several murders, invokes the crime-fraud exception, complains about the Affordable Care Act, appears to support Bill Cosby as well as Donald Trump, claims that one of Plaintiff’s documents mysteriously vanished “just like the white bunny HARVEY,” and in the most intriguing reference, alleges that “[t]he current election for president may be just like 2 Star Trek Episodes combined.”

The two episodes cited are “Bread and Circuses” and “What Are Little Girls Made Of,” both from the original series. In the first, the crew travels to a planet that is a modern version of the Roman Empire, and in the second, Nurse Chapel’s fiancé turns out to be obsessed with androids and makes a duplicate of Captain Kirk.

So he might be on to something there. I just haven’t figured out what it is.