Lowering the Bar

I Pity the Fool Who Does Not Strike Mr. T From The Jury

As I've mentioned before, one of the most popular searches that leads people to this site is something like "how to get out of jury duty," and here's the latest idea for that -- be Mr. T.

T, born "Laurence Tureaud" but likely not called that in some time, was called for jury duty on Monday at Cook County Criminal Court in Chicago.  He spent about five hours in court during voir dire for a criminal case, but ultimately was not chosen.  Asia Cartwright and her sister Temeka said they recognized T right away and got their pictures taken with him.  Asia said she didn't know why T had not been chosen for the jury, but it might have something to do with the fact that their mom was the defendant and they had posed for pictures with a potential juror.

Or maybe it was something to do with T's reputation for pitying fools.

Anyway, T showed up in camouflage and, inconsistently, a garish red-white-and-blue bandanna.  The bandanna was apparently to render his mohawk court-compliant, or at least I infer that from the report's statement that he is sporting a "longer version of his signature hairstyle" these days.  (Offering an outstanding piece of trivia, the report claimed that Mr. T is "the only living person besides President Obama to have a Chia pottery figure modeled after him."  Although I bet a Phil Spector Chia pet is in the works.)

Sadly, T was not selected for the jury and was excused that afternoon.  "You've got to testify!" he told one onlooker as he was leaving the building.  Turned out he didn't mean this literally, though.  It may have been prompted by someone commenting on a gym bag he was carrying, which indicated that T works out at the "Lord's Gym."  "Tell somebody about it," he continued to testify.  "God is good!  I pity the fool that don't get it!"

According to T, other fools to be pitied would include any guilty defendant.  "If you're innocent, I'm your best man," he said.  "But if you're guilty, I pity that fool!"

What are the odds that Mr. T would not end up as the foreperson?

"It's not about 'The A-Team;' it's the J-Team -- the jury team."

Link: Chicago Sun-Times

New Swiss Law Aims to Halt Invasion of Naked Germans

The canton of Appenzell Innerrhoden, located in northeastern Switzerland, has voted to ban nude hiking in an effort to deter naked Germans from tromping around their tiny mountain state.  The incursion apparently began last autumn, when residents began encountering Germans in the hills wearing only hiking boots.

According to reports, German Web sites promoting the activity they call nacktwandern describe it as "a special experience of nature, free and healthy," that offers practitioners a more direct contact with the environment.  "Abandoning unpractical clothes enables a direct contact with the wind, sun and temperature," they were quoted as saying, and it seems hard to argue with that.

The Swiss, though, say they are more concerned about direct contact with their children.  "The point is," said Melchior Looser, the canton's justice minister, "that many children visit our mountains in the summer . . . . We were forced to introduce the legislation against this indecent practice before the warm weather starts."  The law fines nacktwanderen 200 Swiss francs, presumably payable at some future date when the offender has pockets again.

One wanderer, identified only as "Dietmar," but described as a "58-year-old German lawyer and naked hiker," said he was saddened by the news.  "We simply try to tune into nature," he said.  "It's the most harmless pursuit possible."  But the Swiss appear to be fed up with the no-pants blitzkrieg.  "The reactions of the population," said the government in a statement, "have shown that such appearances over a large area are perceived as thoroughly disturbing and irritating." 

Link: AP via Yahoo! News

Link: Guardian (UK)

Link: Canton Appenzell Innerrhoden Online

People, Please Stop Hiding Things in Justice Breyer's Pants

In my experience, people did sometimes stick things in my underwear.

[laughter]

Or, not my underwear . . . whatever.  Whatever.  I was the one who did it?  I don't know. I mean I don't think it's beyond human experience.

    -- Justice Breyer, during yesterday's argument in Safford Unified School District v. Redding.

The case involves a search of a 13-year-old girl by school officials who strip-searched her on suspicion of possessing an ibuprofen pill (that's Advil, folks) in violation of a strict no-drugs policy.  Justice Breyer was apparently trying to make the point that someone afraid of being caught might hide contraband just about anywhere, but used the wrong pronoun ("my" instead of "their," although I'm not sure the right pronoun makes it a lot better).

Justice Thomas is probably feeling pretty smug right now about his strict no-comments-from-the-bench policy.

Link: BLT: The Blog of Legal Times Magazine
Link: SCOTUS Oral Argument Transcript Page

Don Henley Sues Candidate to Stop Song Parodies

Again we learn the lesson that suing somebody who's saying something you don't like is guaranteed to get them more publicity (often now called the "Streisand Effect").   This time the teacher is Don Henley, a founding member of The Eagles, who is suing GOP Senate candidate Charles DeVore for writing new lyrics to a couple of his songs.  (The videos for these new versions were available on YouTube for a while but have been taken down because of the pending copyright claim.)

Henley filed suit last Friday in federal court, saying that DeVore had used his music without permission in two songs: "After the Hope of November is Gone," taken from "The Boys of Summer" and obviously referring to Barack Obama; and a new one about DeVore's opponent, Sen. Barbara Boxer, entitled "All She Wants to Do is Tax."

Henley (and his co-author, Mike Campbell) have probably given DeVore the high ground on this one, since the latter at least appears to have a sense of humor about things.  That's not a comment on the quality of the parodies, which are generally reported to be horrible, but at least he is making an effort.  Henley's spokesman, on the other hand, stated, "The infringers have vowed to continue exploiting this and other copyrighted works, as it suits them, to further their own ambitions and agenda. It was necessary to file a lawsuit to stop them."  Which is not funny at all.  DeVore responded on his website by saying he was filing a First Amendment counter-claim, and was "upping the ante on Mr. Henley's liberal goon tactics" by posting the lyrics of his new parody song.

It's good that DeVore has a sense of humor, both for general reasons and because his chances of unseating Boxer are approximately zero.

Link: CNN

Dog-Walking Controversy May Cost Couple Their Home

Robert Wirth, Jr., and his wife, Sandra Blaker, are appealing a court's order directing them to pay over $40,000 in a case stemming from Wirth's insistence on walking their dog without a leash in violation of homeowners-association rules.  The association has a lien on their home, and says it will foreclose if they don't pay.

According to the report, Blaker actually owns the home, and it appears that Wirth does most or all of the dog-walking.  The article did not mention anything about how she feels about all this.  I assume they share the same feelings or else things may be getting a bit awkward in that household.

In 2003, after some initial skirmishes over Wirth's refusal to leash, the association fined him and his wife $1,000.  They refused to pay, so the association filed a lien and started legal proceedings.  The case has been dragging on ever since.  Last year, a trial judge ordered the couple to pay up, and said they are also on the hook for interest, attorneys' fees and other costs, so that they owe over $40,000.  Wirth was quoted as saying that he has (or they have) also been forced to spend over $100,000 on legal fees, meaning that the potential cost of the dispute is rapidly approaching half the value of the home.

The president of the association admitted that Wirth's unfettered Labrador was well-behaved and had not caused any problems (unlike Mr. Wirth, apparently, who he described as "very difficult"), but suggested that if they made an exception for this dog then other, more ill-mannered dogs might want one, too.  You know how dogs are.

Wirth probably did not help his case by suggesting he would shoot and kill one of the board members if necessary.  He has argued he is allowed to do so under Florida's "Stand Your Ground Law," which makes "imminent peril" a justification for deadly force under certain circumstances.  See Fla. Stat. sec. 776.013.  He might want to pay for some more legal advice on that topic, although police have said they think Wirth spoke out of frustration and does not pose imminent peril to anyone.

The appeal has been pending since February 2008.

Link: St. Petersburg Times
Link: Anthony Sebok on the Florida "Stand Your Ground" Law, FindLaw.com (May 2, 2005)

Law Firms: Last Vestige of the Medieval Guild System?

“In the current economic crisis, we see the final demise of the medieval guild in the American legal profession,” said Joel Henning, a law firm consultant at Hildebrandt International Inc.

Carlyn Kolker, 'Medieval' U.S. Law Firm Pay Structure Buckles, Bloomberg.com (Mar. 16, 2009) (emphasis added).

[I]f the economic system of the [law] firm is frustrating to associates and even some partners, I can tell you that from the standpoint of a metric-driven general counsel, it is more than incomprehensible.  It looks like the last vestige of the medieval guild system to survive into the 21st century.

Mark Chandler (Cisco General Counsel), Transcript of Speech (given Jan. 25, 2007) (emphasis added).

To attain their collective goals, guild members had to cooperate. If some members slacked off, all would suffer. Guilds that wished to lower the costs of labor had to get all masters to reduce wages. . . . Guilds that wished to develop respected reputations had to get all members to sell superior merchandise. Guild members contributed money . . .  and contributed time, emotion, and personal energy, as well . . . .

A guild’s members met at least once a year (and in most cases more often) to elect officers, audit accounts, induct new members, debate policies, and amend ordinances. . . . . Decisions were usually made by majority vote among the master craftsmen. . . .

Members who failed to fulfill their obligations faced punishments of various sorts.  Punishments varied across transgressions, guilds, time, and space, but a pattern existed. First time offenders were punished lightly, perhaps suffering public scolding and paying small monetary fines, and repeat offenders punished harshly. The ultimate threat was expulsion.

Gary Richardson, Medieval Guilds, EH.Net Encyclopedia (Mar. 16, 2008).

Two of the most outspoken critics of the guild system were Jean-Jacques Rousseau and Adam Smith . . . . Karl Marx in his Communist Manifesto also criticized the guild system for its rigid gradation of social rank and the relation of oppressor/oppressed entailed by this system.  From this time comes the low regard in which some people hold the guilds to this day. . . . The practice of law in the United States is also an example of modern guilds at work.

Link: Guild (Wikipedia)

Muslim Clerics Issue Cell-Phone Fatwa

A panel of Muslim clerics in northern India have issued a fatwa prohibiting the use of cellphones, at least in certain un-Islamic ways.

If they will extend this to the BlackBerry, I might be willing to convert.

A fatwa, you may recall, is a legal decree made by someone with extensive knowledge of Islamic sharia law, although you do hear about the occasional fatwa being issued by somebody who really doesn't know much about it and is just being a creep.  This one was issued by senior clerics from the group Jamia Ashraf-ul-Madaris, whose major problem with the phones appears to be the practice of using recordings of aayats, or verses from the Koran, as ringtones.

The clerics object to this because people tend to answer the call midway through the verse, cutting it off.  "Listening to aayats partially is anti-Islamic," said one of the clerics, identified only as Mr. Ghyasuddin.  "People should abstain from these practices.  it would leave a bad impression on young children."  Also disrespectful to Allah is letting the phone ring in the bathroom.  "If the phone rings and an aayat can be heard in the toilet," Ghyasuddin said, "it is a sin."

If you are thinking of solving this by putting your phone on vibrate during prayers, think again.  "It distracts you," Ghyasuddin said.  "It's disgraceful if one can't even give a peaceful half an hour to Allah."

Link: Channel 4 (UK)

Will Perry Mason Defend Himself?

The Associated Press reported yesterday that Perry Mason had been charged with felony barratry in Texas, a crime that carries a penalty of up to ten years in jail.  "Barratry" is the dastardly crime committed when a non-attorney solicits clients for a licensed attorney, something that you may know as "marketing."  See Tex. Pen. Code sec. 38.12.

"Perry Mason," as many of you hopefully know, was the iconic defense attorney in the 1960s TV show of that name, who won virtually every case he tried, no matter how grim the facts looked for his client.  This "Perry Mason," who was allegedly soliciting former inmates for an unnamed attorney, is not a lawyer himself but obviously gravitated toward the legal field.

The 1960s show followed a set formula even more closely than "Law and Order" does today:

Each episode's plot is essentially the same: the first half of the show usually depicts the prospective murder victim as being deserving of homicide, often with Perry's client publicly threatening to kill the victim; the body is found . . . surrounded by clues pointing to Perry's client. Perry's client is put on trial for murder, but Perry establishes his client's innocence by dramatically demonstrating the guilt of another character.  The murderer nearly always breaks down and confesses to the crime in the courtroom, if not on the witness stand . . . . [I]t is common for the camera to zoom in on the faces of the potentially guilty (visibly uncomfortable in their seats) as Perry slowly but surely moves to the climactic identification of the real murderer, who confesses, often to the accompaniment of a kettledrum-laden orchestral score, followed by a fadeout to black, symbolizing the defeat and oblivion meted out by Perry Mason. . . .

William Talman played Mason's perennial adversary, District Attorney Hamilton Burger, whose eyes bulged in anger and frustration each week as Mason defeated him yet again.

 "Perry Mason," Wikipedia.org (retrieved Apr. 17, 2009)

According to various sources, Mason actually lost one, two, or three cases during the show's run, although he uncovered the real killer later anyway.  That still left Burger with a record of (at best) 3 wins, 268 losses, a 98.9 percent loss rate, so that he must have been at least a little relieved when the show ended in 1966.

The report did not say whether the Texas Perry Mason would attempt to defend himself.

Link: AP via Yahoo! News

"Octomom" Seeks Trademark

Nadya Suleman, also known as the "Octomom" for her amazing ability to give birth to eight offspring at once (or at least in rapid succession), has applied to trademark that nickname, according to reports on April 15.

If she ever considered trademarking "America's Sweetheart," that time has passed.  "The octuplets' birth on Jan 26 was heralded as a medical miracle," said the AP report, "but the public's fascination with Suleman quickly soured as details of her life emerged."  It turned out that Suleman, who is unemployed, already had six other children at home, all of whom were also conceived through in vitro fertilization, and all of whom, to the best of my knowledge, are also unemployed.  Suleman has seemed to expect public support to sustain her brood, but maybe that has not been going so well.

On April 10, Suleman filed two applications with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office (Nos. 77711852 and 77711827), seeking to trademark the term "OctoMom" and saying she planned to use it on clothing, diapers, and most horrible of all, a television program.  (That application states that the programs would be in the field of "varity," which might be intended as "variety" or "verity," but is wrong either way.)  Suleman has denied that she is planning a "reality show," preferring instead to describe it as a series of TV "documentaries."

 

Suleman's attorney, Jeff Czech, said he and his client had been approached by people with Octomom-label ideas, resulting in the application.  "She doesn't particularly care for the name," he said, "but she thinks it's a good idea to protect it.  She has a sense of humor about it."

She may need that alleged sense of humor, since she is not the only one trying to trademark that name, nor is she even the first to apply for it.  A Texas company, "Super Happy Fun Fun, Inc." filed an application for the name about a month ago (No. 77689864) saying that the company planned to use it in connection with a video game it calls "Fertile Myrtle."  (On the website, it's described as "Fertile Myrtle (formerly Octomom).)"  The game, which is described as "hilarious" and "amusing" but sounds mostly horrible, involves pressing on Fertile Myrtle's belly to shoot "another adorable bundle of joy" into the arms of "Wacky Grandma."  Each baby earns welfare money, and timing the births so that they occur when paparazzi are in the room earns a cash bonus.  The game appears to be intended for the iPhone but, according to CNN, Apple "has been hesitant to approve the game" for iTunes.

Since Suleman actually has 14 children, she should really be called the "Tetradecamom," but I guess that is not quite as catchy.

Link: AP via Salon.com

Link: CNN

Kansas City Docket: Chips Ahoy

Friends in the Midwest noticed this new case filing last week:

Michael Rolf v. Kraft Foods, 4:09-cv-00270-FJG (W.D. Mo. filed 4/8/2009)

Product liability complaint. The plaintiff got "high" after eating a box of Chips Ahoy cookies "with drugs in them." $300 million.

Not sure what he's complaining about.