“I Am Not Allowed Moisturizer,” Complains Mass Murderer

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Those of you who study the human mind looking for explanations, let me know when you give up and let's all go have a drink.

BreivikAnders Breivik, who, you may recall, killed 77 people in a horrific massacre in Norway last year, has written a 27-page letter to the country's prison service complaining that the conditions in which he is being held are "inhumane." The BBC reports that among the horrors to which Breivik claims he is being subjected are the following:

  • his coffee is often cold;
  • he has to "rush" when shaving and brushing his teeth;
  • his cell is "poorly decorated" and has no view;
  • he is not given enough butter for his bread;
  • the TV switch is outside his cell; and, most diabolically,
  • he is not allowed moisturizer.

Oh dear. We are sorry, sir. Was the Chateaubriand not to your liking? Wine not properly chilled? Perhaps the presentation of the Bananas Foster was insufficiently flamboyant. The explanation may be that the chef is new, or possibly that YOU ARE A MURDERING PIECE OF TRASH. I'll check, sir…. Yes, it is the latter. It appears one's hands will remain chapped for the foreseeable future, sir. Perhaps they have moisturizer in Hell, sir, although one thinks it unlikely.

"I highly doubt that there are worse detention facilities in Norway," sniffed Breivik in his letter. Why doesn't someone investigate that statement, and if you find a worse facility, move him there.

In 2010, Oklahoma City bombing conspirator Terry Nichols filed a lawsuit alleging that the food at the Supermax facility in which he currently and permanently resides is so bad that it violates his Eighth Amendment right to be free from cruel and unusual punishment and, somehow, his right to free exercise of religion. See "Convicted Terrorist's Demand for High-Fiber Diet Is Rejected," Lowering the Bar (Aug. 18, 2010). Turns out the food is pretty damn bad. It also turns out that in his case, too, nobody cared.