Man Who Stabbed His First Two Lawyers With a Pencil Stabs Another Lawyer With a Pencil
No, wait — it was a pen this time. And I was about to accuse him of a lack of creativity.
Criminal
Shape-Shifting Donkey Prostitute Strikes Again
She turned into a donkey just before police arrived, it appears.
In Canada It Is Illegal to Alarm the Queen
In response to the news that it may soon be illegal to insult an Australian Minister for Gaming, a number of Canadians have informed me that it has long been illegal there to do any act "with intent to alarm…
Adult Baby Cleared of Social Security Fraud
After an investigation prompted by U.S. Senator Tom Coburn, the Social Security Administration has cleared adult baby Stanley Thornton Jr. of Coburn's allegations of disability fraud. Why was Senator Coburn bothering an adult baby? Because he saw the adult baby…
Have-Lunch-Nearby Getaway Plan Succeeds!
It was only about a week ago that I mentioned the poor track record of the strategy of sitting down for lunch in the vicinity of your crime, and now here's a case where this actually may have worked. Last…
Karaoke-Triggered Assault Sends Man Through Plate-Glass Window
With the news that half of Americans now favor legalizing marijuana – a number that as many have pointed out is significantly higher than the approval rating of any of our current leaders – isn't it finally time to end…
A Pistol in the Pants Can Lead to Trouble
Doesn't seem like much good could ever come of this, really. Ask Plaxico Burress, or this guy. Bonus points: he was hunting possums. Bonus quote: Mountain Safety Council chief executive Darryl Carpenter said people shot themselves accidentally "surprisingly very little."…
The Have-Lunch-Nearby Getaway Plan Is Still Not Working
Order a big meal while you have a chance.
How to Get Back at Your Ex: First, Kill a Bear
Kind of a big first step, actually.
Police Skeptical of Suspect’s Claim to Be Invisible
Here's some free advice. If you find yourself telling someone that you are "invisible" and "unstoppable," and the person you are telling that to is a police officer, you are neither one of those things. I guess that's really all there…